22 Ways To Create A Secure Attachment
Children who form an attachment in early childhood with one or more adults may have many advantages in life. Those with a secure attachment style tend to be more independent, relaxed, and empathetic as children and later in life as well. They may also develop a greater capacity to form healthy relationships throughout their lives. They may learn more easily and have fewer behavioral problems. Attachment can play a significant role in child development, and there are many ways it can be created. Here are 22 of them to consider:
Tend to your own needs
As a parent or primary caregiver, you may tend to prioritize your child’s needs over your own. However, if you're wondering how to foster safe attachment with your children, you may need to first address your own needs. A needy parent might be emotionally unavailable for their child. They may struggle to take care of the child's basic physiological needs. When you meet your own needs, you aren't just doing it for yourself. It can benefit your child, too, potentially leading to a secure attachment.
Get enough sleep
You can start by getting enough sleep. That could be a tall order, though, especially during infancy when your child may be awake often and have needs during the night. At those times, you might have to resort to taking a nap when they nap. Waking up refreshed and rested can give you both energy and a more positive outlook.
Stay hydrated and well-nourished
Sometimes parents are so focused on their child, not to mention all their other duties, that they might ignore their own basic physiological needs. You may want to make time to drink water and other healthy beverages. Eat regularly throughout the day. When your child is old enough to eat the same foods you do, you can enjoy snack time with them.
Find ways to relax
Relaxation can be a difficult goal for busy parents. Sometimes, it may seem that there are simply not enough hours in the day to get everything done. You can learn relaxation techniques to use whenever you feel stressed. Some of these may include systematic muscle relaxation, spending time outdoors, and guided imagery.
Accept your limitations
It may be helpful to acknowledge that no one can be completely available for their child at every moment of the day. Your child may be frustrated or even distressed at times when you can't comfort them. Consider that feeling guilty about it helps neither you nor your child. Instead, you might want to accept that you aren't a super-parent. Give them what you can and try not to stress over the rest. Remember that your child needs an overall sense of security, not a perfect parent.
Nurture adult relationships
Positive adult relationships can strengthen you emotionally. If you're a stay-at-home parent, though, it might be difficult to spend time with friends and family. If you're a working parent, you might have little time available for other adults. Consider making an effort to do it, anyway. Enjoy time with adults you care about, both with and without your child. Making time for romantic relationships as well can help you have a secure base from which to better support your child.
Deal with your depression or anxiety
When you're depressed, you may feel less energetic. This can make it harder to focus on what your child needs. You may neglect your physical health or feel as if you have no joy to give with your child. Anxiety can cause other problems. For example, an anxious parent may worry excessively about their child and become overprotective as a result. No matter how you try to hide it, your child may sense your emotional state. Talking to a therapist could be a good first step toward getting yourself back on track emotionally.
Take care of practical matters
In two-parent homes, there may be some division of responsibilities. If you're a single parent, all the responsibilities might lie on your shoulders. Whatever is yours to manage, make sure you've taken care of it as best you can. Practical matters you need to manage may include finances, grocery shopping, housework, home maintenance, and others.
Build a strong support system
When you have a strong support system, you don't have to go it alone. Friends, family, community organizations, your church, and your counselor can help you meet your physical and emotional needs. Build your support system from people at all stages and various walks of life.
Develop a positive attitude
Life isn't perfect. Eventually, something isn't going to go the way you think it should. Yet, you can shift your focus to look for the positive in your life. When something goes wrong or you encounter a strange situation, consider taking a problem-solving approach instead of dwelling on the negative.
Learn not to worry
Worry may make you tense. It can also make you anxious and overprotective. Still, it may take some time to eliminate the worry habit. Cognitive-behavioral therapy can help you identify, evaluate, and change the thoughts that are behind your worries. Practicing meditation can also help you train your mind to notice negative thoughts and then let them go instead of ruminating yourself into a frenzy.
Meet your child's needs
Taking care of yourself can be a good starting point, but it isn't enough for a secure attachment. You may need to give your child what they need when they need it as much as possible if you want them to form a relationship through attachment parenting. Here are some ways to do it:
Be aware of your infant’s needs
Whenever your child is in distress, they may show you signs of what they need. Infants can express their needs through cries, giggles, smiles, and grunts. They might try to wriggle out of their diaper if it needs to be changed, for instance. Or they may pull at their ear if they have an earache.
As your child gets older, they may or may not tell you what they need. Their distress might show up as sleep problems or poor school performance, for example. You can't help them or comfort them if you’re unaware of their needs, so consider paying close attention. You don't have to analyze everything they do, but you may want to watch for any unusual behaviors.
Meet their physiological needs
Children, especially infants, can't meet their own physiological needs as you can. To help them become securely attached, you need to make sure they have food when they need it, are hydrated properly, and have medical problems taken care of as quickly as possible. You can't ensure that they'll never feel a hunger pang or a touch of sadness. What you can do, though, is give them what they need before they become too distressed.
Be responsive to their moods
When your child is happy and playful, you may have a wonderful opportunity to connect with them positively. Consider meeting their giggles with a happy expression. You might want to take a few moments to relax and play with them, allowing yourself to experience the joyful interaction.
Provide them with a safe place to explore
The amount a child has to learn in their first five years of life may be incomprehensible to most adults. To learn about themselves, you, others, and their world, they need to have the freedom to explore. Yet, if there are dangers in your home, exploring can be risky. Make sure they have a play area that's clean and free of hazards. They'll be safer, and you'll be more relaxed.
Let them explore freely
Once you've made sure their play space is safe, you may want to go ahead and allow them to explore it. You might feel the need to guide their explorations and direct their learning. That could be fine to do sometimes, but other times, they may need to discover the world on their terms. Consider standing back and allowing them to do that.
Be their home base
As your child explores their world, there may be times when they want to reconnect with you in some way to feel safe. They may look back at you occasionally, for instance. They may be across the room from you and then come closer to you for a feeling of being supported. You don't need to jump in and take over. You could just acknowledge them with a smile, a wave, or a hug if they initiate one. Then, let them go back to exploring.
Comfort them when they’re distressed
No healthy parent enjoys their child's distress. Still, all children may feel upset, frustrated, vulnerable, or unhappy at one time or another. Consider taking the time to comfort them. Hold them or hug them. Talk gently to them. Sometimes, all it takes is a simple touch for them to feel better.
Use micro-cues to let them know you’re there for them
Micro-cues are small gestures and behaviors you can use to remind your child that you're ready to help when needed. A smile, a touch, brief eye-contact, or a few comforting words can help them feel more secure. Consider making these micro-cues a part of your normal interaction with them. Older children and even adults may still benefit from these small cues of support.
Don't push them
Parents who push their children to do things they're not ready for don't help them achieve and may create an avoidant attachment in their children. Give them what they need to form an attachment, and they'll learn more easily. You can provide them with opportunities to develop. Then, consider demonstrating trust that they'll do what they're capable of doing. You can encourage them and give them the tools they need to succeed. But you might not want to push your expectations on them.
Avoid comparisons
You may need to make some comparisons between your child and other children the same age. Otherwise, you might miss certain developmental challenges. At the same time, consider avoiding any unnecessary comparisons. The fact that your neighbor's child walked at ten months doesn't matter. If your child walks within the normal time frame, that's what’s important.
Enjoy their uniqueness
Every child is unique, with unique genetic makeup and a unique temperament. Rather than comparing them to others, consider enjoying the things that make them who they are. Find the special beauty in your child that sets them apart from others the same age.
Look for strengths
Some parents may become so worried about their child's weaknesses that they forget to appreciate their strengths. You might find yourself feeling more positive and loving toward your child if you notice their positive characteristics. In turn, they may recognize your acceptance of them and become more secure in your love.
How to get parenting help
Parenting has been called the most difficult job in the world. If you find that you can't be the parent you would like to be and are having trouble with attachment style in your children, you can talk to a counselor to make positive changes in your attitudes and behaviors. A professional can help guide you through the process of making your child’s attachment secure.
Parents face a lot of pressure in our society, though, and that can make it hard to ask for help when you need it. You might fear being judged or simply feel ashamed of any perceived parenting failures. Online therapy might be a better option for you. This form of counseling often puts people at ease, and it can be reached from the comfort of your home.
Online interventions for parents have also been proven to deliver many benefits. A recent meta-analysis of the available research concluded that internet-based parenting programs were associated with decreased parenting stress, child anxiety, behavioral problems, and more.
Takeaway
By creating a secure attachment with your child, you can have a positive and long-lasting impact on their future. Adults with secure attachment styles form the healthiest relationships with themselves and others. They tend to have high self-esteem and confidence in themselves and those around them. A licensed therapist like those at Regain can help you find new ways to meet your needs and the needs of your child, so you can help your child have the best start possible. Get started today.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
What are the signs of an attachment style?
Attachment styles have different signs in children and adults. The attachment style you form as a child impacts you into adulthood and affects your relationship with yourself and others. If you are attached, you tend to have success in relationships, versus if you have an insecure attachment style, you tend to have trouble.
Bowlby's attachment theory states that attached children become distressed when their caregiver leaves and quickly soothed when they return. attached children also are comforted by their parents when anxious and tend to prefer their parents over others. attached children accept affection and contact from a parent, and they often show love in return. They also typically fare well in relationships with other children and play more than children with insecure attachment.
If you were a attached child, usually you will be well off in your relationships with others as an adult. Signs of a attached adult are when we trust others, are committed, and are confident in ourselves. They tend to seek out and enjoy social relationships with others and have no issue opening up to their loved ones.
What are the different types of attachment styles?
People have different attachment styles depending on the bond that they with their caregiver as an infant and a child. If there was a strong and trusting bond, you have a attachment style; however, you have an insecure attachment style if the bond was weak.
The concept of attachment styles derives from the attachment theory. Attachment theory looks at the bond between humans, specifically the bond between a child and a caregiver. The attachment theory was introduced by psychologist John Bowlby who believed that children needed to form a relationship with a caregiver to develop correctly. Mary Ainsworth then proceeded to build his theory further by running a set of experiments. She determined what attachment style infants had based on how they reacted to their parents entering and leaving the room.
If there isn't a strong bond between a child and its caregiver, the child may develop insecure attachment styles. When children feel that they cannot rely on their caregiver for their physical or emotional needs, they form an anxious, insecure attachment style. The caregiver is typically unresponsive to the child's emotional and physical requirements. For example, they can be slow to react to their crying child. Anxiously attached children tend to be upset when their caregiver leaves, yet hard to comfort when they return. An anxious attachment relationship between a child and a caregiver in childhood affects their adult relationships where they have a hard time trusting others, and at the same time, are afraid of being abandoned.
Avoidant insecure attachment starts when the caregiver cannot meet the child's needs, similar to anxious, insecure attachment. The difference is, instead of feeling worried like children with anxious, insecure attachment, they repress their emotional displays because they know their caregiver will reject them. In adulthood, those with avoidant insecure attachment tend to have trouble in forming relationships. They don't like to depend on others and prefer to be independent because of the early attachment relationship they developed with their parents.
Disorganized attachment, on the other hand, is developed by inconsistent parenting patterns. The child is unsure of the attachment relationship between them and their caregiver. The child is untrusting of their relationship with their caregiver, yet still seeks them for comfort. Their caregiver is overbearing in certain situations but is neglectful in others. In Ainsworth's experiment on attachment theory, children with a disorganized attachment style were ambivalent towards their parents when reunited with them. The children with disorganized attachment wanted to seek comfort in their parents at first but soon became anxious about their presence. This attachment style negatively impacts the child into adulthood, where they continue to develop a disorganized attachment relationship with others. To learn more about the different attachment styles and attachment theory, check out this article by Psychology Today.
What causes attachment?
Your attachment style shapes during your early developmental phases based on the relationship you have with your attachment figure or your caregiver. Bowlby's attachment theory states that an infant's first relationship influences their mental development and future relationships. Suppose the early attachment between an infant and their attachment figure is attached. In that case, the child will likely have good relationships with others and be confident in themselves.
Bowlby's attachment theory states that a attachment style forms when the infant has a base. Having a base means that they can rely on and trust their attachment figure. Based on the attachment theory, a base can be formed during the early attachment phase if the infant's caregiver meets their needs. Infants with this attachment style have the best mental development conditions, building a solid foundation for their future.
Nonverbal communication between a caregiver and their child is critical in ensuring that the child is attached. The caregiver must take their child's non-verbal cues and appropriately respond to them. For example, if a child is sad or unhappy, its parent would respond by hugging them. Nonverbal communication allows for a bond to form between them. The child knows that they can rely on the parent and that they are a base.
How does attachment affect adults?
Out of all the attachment styles, adults with an attachment style form the healthiest relationships with themselves and others. They have high self-esteem and confidence in themselves and those around them. They can easily trust others, leading to strong attachment relationships with others that tend to be healthy and long-lasting. According to the attachment theory, attachment develops during early attachment between a child and their caregiver. However, even if you formed an insecure attachment style, seeking help from a mental health professional can allow you to become more attached.
In relationships, attached adults can confide in others about their feelings and emotions and seek positive connections with others. In intimate relationships, they understand their partners and give their partner space while also fulfilling their needs. attached adults are comfortable in intimate relationships and can healthily rely on their partner and have their partner depend on them.
What are the signs of attachment disorder in adults?
Although adults aren't diagnosed with an attachment disorder, attachment issues can still be apparent. Signs of attachment issues in adults include difficulty trusting others, unstable relationships, low self-esteem, and emotional impairment. If left untreated, an adult may develop depression, anxiety, dissociation, and substance use issues.
Two attachment disorders may affect someone in adulthood if left untreated. Both stem from an insecurely attached relationship between a child and a caregiver. Reactive attachment disorder is caused by neglect from a caregiver, resulting in avoidance in relationships with others. Disinhibited social engagement disorder develops when a child experiences neglect as well. However, instead of avoiding relationships, they become overly dependent on them.
Adults experiencing attachment disorder issues can benefit from seeking attachment therapy. Attachment therapy helps adults overcome insecure attachment styles that formed in their childhood. Adults who seek treatment and become more attached tend to become more successful in relationships and create a better self-image. To learn more about attachment disorder and attachment issues, visit medical News Today.
What does insecure attachment look like in adults?
The attachment theory states that insecure attachment formed at an early age will harm adult relationships. Adults with insecure attachment styles tend to fall on one of the spectrum's ends; they are either overly independent or overly dependent. Adults with an insecure attachment style have difficulty maintaining their relationships and typically have low self-esteem. Mental health professionals can help insecure attachment styles with therapy, which allows the individual to reevaluate the way they perceive relationships. Insecure attachment styles in adults typically stem from early attachment formed as a child. With therapy, adults with insecure attachment styles from childhood can become attached in their adult relations.
Is it too late to create safe attachment?
How can educators establish a safe attachment?
Why is safe attachment important to a child’s development?
What is the healthiest attachment style?
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