The Role Of Adult Attachment Styles In Love And Relationships

Understanding attachment in adults

Most of the early research on attachment centered on infant and childhood attachment. Yet, attachment happens throughout the lifespan. After researchers started studying adult attachment during the 1980s, they realized that the subject was well worth understanding. That's because attachment in adulthood is like childhood attachments in some ways, but in other ways, it's strikingly different. What's more, it continues to impact your life for as long as you live.

How do early attachments influence adult attachment styles?

In 1987,  Hazan and Shaver did a study to compare romantic attachment with infant attachment. They found that, in many ways, attachment is attachment, no matter how old you are. In fact, the similarities between infant and adult romantic attachment are astounding. If you recognize the following signs of attachment within your romantic relationship, you aren't alone.

Sense of safety

We tend to feel safer when we're with the person we feel an attachment to. We experience a sense of freedom to explore and face difficulties when they're near. When they aren't, we feel more insecure, even if the attachment itself is.

Intimate contact with attachments

Infants reach out to touch their caregivers. They play with their facial features and initiate physical contact. Adults do the same thing in romantic relationships. They touch the person they're in the relationship with and seek to be physically close to them.

Expressing romantic love through baby talk

Have you ever communicated your romantic love through baby talk? Be honest! Most people who are in love tend to use baby talk just as infants do. No, when you hear baby talk, it isn't necessarily a parent baby-talking with their infant. It's often an adult baby talking to their romantic partner!

When an infant or child feels an attachment, they explore freely, knowing they have a safe base to come back to whenever they feel insecure. Then, their discoveries with their caregiver. When an adult feels a romantic attachment to someone, they want their discoveries, too. The only difference is the kind of discoveries they.

What are the differences between childhood attachment and adult attachment?

Researchers ' work would be done if there were no differences between childhood and attachment types as adults. There wouldn't have been much need to separate the two. Yet, researchers did find differences, though, not only in the reasons for attachment but also in the attachments themselves.

Children have a greater reliance on attachments for survival needs

Obviously, an infant needs a caregiver to survive. Adults usually don't have such an urgent need to develop an attachment to someone. Most can survive without close attachments. Certainly, a partner can help you pay the rent or get food to eat. The truth is, though, you can probably survive on your own. Yet, adults still form attachments with other adults. Perhaps one reason for that is that adult attachments can also serve biological functions, such as arousal and reproduction.

Adults have a greater number of options

As an infant, you have no choice of who your caregiver will be. Whoever steps in to meet your needs is someone you'll form a close attachment to, whether it's a healthy or unhealthy attachment. Almost all adults have a vast pool of candidates for attachment.

You don't have to form an attachment to any particular person if you choose not to do so. You can always opt to break an attachment and choose a different one. That's difficult for an adult or an infant. The difference is that adults can do it by choice. Infants can't.

The primary attachment styles: Secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized

The labels for attachment are different if you're an adult. The labeling system for attachment type as an adult reflects the differences between infants' and adults' cognitive and emotional characteristics. The attachment styles in children roughly correspond to the following adult attachment types.

• Secure infant attachment - attachment
• Anxious/ambivalent infant attachment - anxious, preoccupied attachment
• Avoidant attachments in infants - both dismissive-avoidant and fearful-avoidant in adults
• Disorganized infant attachment - disorganized attachment

Secure adult attachments

Secure attachment is ideal. If you have an attachment, you find it easy to be close to someone. You're comfortable when others depend on you, and you don't mind depending on others at times. The idea of being alone doesn't bother you, and you aren't concerned about whether others will accept or reject you. In short, both intimacy and independence appeal to you.

Insecure adult attachments

Insecure attachment types are problematic. They usually arise from the attachment you formed long ago with your primary caregiver.

Anxious-preoccupied

People with anxious-preoccupied attachment want to be close to others but fear that others don't want to be close. They don't like being without a romantic attachment. When they have one, their neediness kicks into high gear. They want constant intimacy and approval from their partners.

An anxious-preoccupied you may become dependent on the person you're attached to in a relationship. They can suffer from extreme anxiety when their partner is away and only feel better when they return. They tend to worry, act in overly impulsive ways, and have trouble managing their emotions. They blame themselves for what goes wrong in the relationship, feeling very little self-worth or confidence.

Avoidant

People with dismissive-avoidant attachments may feel that they don't need anyone else to be happy. Independence is very important to them. They don't want to depend on anyone else, and they don't want others to depend on them.

They see themselves more positively than others, and they'd rather not have close relationships. They hide their feelings, sometimes even from themselves. When someone rejects them, they are that person from their life.

Fearful-avoidant

If your attachment type is fearful-avoidant, you want close relationships. You have trouble trusting anyone else. You don't want to be vulnerable to being hurt by a partner so you may avoid intimate relationships completely. They deny their emotions and don't like to show affection.

Adults with disorganized attachment act in unpredictable ways. They keep trying different to get what they need in a relationship in various ways, none of which tend to work. Their partner can't make sense of what they're trying for, and they can't either.

How can I know my attachment style?

Since attachment type is still a part of your life now that you're an adult, perhaps you'd like to learn what your attachment type is an adult. There are two main ways you can find out. You can try to find out for yourself or talk to someone who has studied adult attachment.

The limitations of research on attachment theory

There's plenty of information out there on attachment theory and adult attachment types specifically. Whether you're researching online or in your college library, you can get a good basic understanding of different attachment styles.

Lack of objective assessment from attachment theory alone

What you won't get from this research an objective assessment of your attachment type. You can guess at your attachment type based on what you've read, of course. Even if you get it right, though, you won't know for sure. You almost certainly won't know what to do about it.

The adult attachment interview

When Ainsworth conducted her Strange Situation study, her emphasis was on the attachment styles of the infants. Her successor, Mary Main, became concerned that adults had attachment issues of their own that were harming them and their infants.

Main wanted to know about the attachments of parents with their infants. In 1982, this concern resulted in a test identifying adults' attachment styles and their current way of thinking about their childhood attachment. It's called the Adult Attachment Interview.

In the AAI, the person being interviewed tells their story after being given these rules:

• Be truthful and have evidence for what you say.
• Be succinct yet complete.
• Be relevant to the topic as presented.
• Be clear and orderly.

The interviewer questions you, guiding you to tell the story of your lifetime attachments. After your interview is scored, you can determine whether you have an insecure attachment type. If it's insecure, you'll also find out what type of this style of attachment is.

How your adult attachment style can impact your life, love, and relationships

Your attachment type can affect your life in ways you may not realize. It impacts your choice of romantic partners as well as the relationships that come from those choices. It can change the way you interact with your children, which then influences your children's lives, too. It can even affect your casual relationships and your career success.

Romantic relationships

If you grew up with an insecure attachment and still carry that style with you, romantic relationships are difficult. You tend to choose romantic partners who have the same unhealthy attachment type that your primary caregiver did with you when you were a child. If you do get into a relationship, it's often a troubled one.

Parent-child relationships

When you have an attachment that's insecure with your child, you create attachment problems for them, too. You feel anxiety when you're caring for your child, which children pick up on quickly. Or you feel disconnected from them. Your children will probably grow up with attachment problems of their own. You won't enjoy their childhood or the act of parenting them.

 Social functioning

Having an attachment that's as an adult allows you to feel free to meet and interact with others. The way you are with your main attachment figure impacts how you are with friends and social acquaintances. Thus, you have a hard time building a social support system.

Work relationships

Your work relationships also depend on your attachment type, like an adult. attachment helps you get along with others in a job setting without becoming dependent on them, fearing what will happen if you don't have a good work relationship, or dismissing the need to develop work relationships. Because of this, an attachment can help you achieve greater success.

Do attachment styles ever change?

There is some evidence that attachment styles can change, although it doesn't happen very often. These changes usually happen after a traumatic or emotionally painful event. However, the fact that you might not change your attachment type needn't be a cause for giving up on relationships. Instead, you can learn to deal with the attachment type you have in more positive ways.

Resolving attachment issues

A therapist can help you identify your attachment issues.

Dealing with the past

First, you need to deal with traumas and the effects of unhealthy childhood attachments. In one type of attachment therapy, you do this by telling your story and feeling the emotions you suppressed in your childhood. You create an organized story of your life, which helps you understand how you arrived at this point.

How attachment styles can influence perception

The way you think about yourself and others is one of the most important hallmarks of attachment. These thoughts are associated with different attachment styles.

• Secure attachment - you think positively about yourself and mostly positively about others.
• Anxious-preoccupied attachment - you think negatively about yourself and positively about others.
• Dismissive-avoidant attachment - you think positively about yourself but negatively about others.
• Fearful-avoidant attachment - you think negatively about both yourself and others.

Fortunately, you can examine these thoughts and decide whether they're helpful to you. If they aren't, you can change the way you think, which will affect both your feelings and your attachment behaviors to some extent.

A therapist can help you address an insecure attachment style

A therapist can help you overcome attachment issues. First, though, they'll need to find out what type of attachment type you have. They are familiar enough with attachment theory and attachment assessment tools to identify your predominant style.

Yet, knowing your style probably won't help you much unless you have an attachment. If it turns out that you have an insecure type of attachment, the information might even cause you distress. The best thing you can do if you have attachment issues is to seek help from a therapist because they can not only help you deal with the reality of an unhealthy attachment type; they can also help you deal with it.

Learning more about your adult attachment style with online therapy

A therapist can help you with the process of dealing with attachment issues. You can talk to a licensed counselor at  Regain.us to work towards establishing better relationship skills and attitudes. Online therapy is convenient, affordable, and discreet. You don't have to suffer from an unhealthy attachment style results as much when you understand yourself and others better. You really can live a better life with more positive personal relationships!