I Feel Like I'm An Unattractive Man: What Can I Do To Fix This?
If you feel that you’re ugly as a man, many factors may be at play. A belief that you’re unattractive can be due to mental health challenges, stress, adverse experiences based on physical appearance, and societal expectations, among other situations. However, science has explored many facets of attraction and found that physical appearance may not be the only factor that controls whether others find someone physically attractive. Confidence, a good attitude, humor, self-love, and many other traits can be established to improve how you feel about yourself and your relationship with others. Below, explore ways to improve your self-esteem and feel attractive.
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I feel like I’m an unattractive man: Causes of low self-esteem
Low self-esteem or a belief that one is ugly can have many causes, often unique to the individual. However, below are some of the most common.
Stress and mental illness
In some cases, stress or mental illness symptoms can cause core beliefs in an individual that don’t align with reality. For example, someone with depression may feel so down and hopeless that they struggle to believe that they are attractive to others, even if they hear it from people. For others, like those with social anxiety disorder, social difficulties can cause a person to worry that their social fears are due to their appearance or that other people are judging them because they’re “unattractive.” When someone experiences extreme stress, they may also notice struggles with self-esteem, experiencing negative thoughts and a pessimistic outlook on life, which can reflect on their thoughts toward themselves.
Social ostracization and bullying
People tend to internalize social situations regarding negative perceptions of appearance. For example, bullying in early childhood can lead to a long-term belief that one is not attractive, especially if the bullying is physically oriented or based on someone’s difficulty dating. Bullying and social ostracization in adulthood or difficulty finding a date or romantic relationship can also lead to negative self-talk and beliefs about appearance.
Trauma
Past traumatic events may skew someone’s perception of themselves or how other men and women see them. Any past trauma may lead to low self-esteem in adulthood, including childhood abuse, bullying, inability to escape a traumatic situation, and other events. People with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or other trauma-related disorders in adulthood may be more likely to experience these perceptions.
High expectations from others, including in the media
High expectations of looking attractive, being in a romantic relationship, having many sexual partners, engaging in frequent casual sex, or looking a certain way can come from many external forces, including parents, family, friends, and even the media. Social media has heightened the pressure on individuals in the world to look a certain way through ads, influencing, and certain forms of media. According to surveys, 56% of US men believe the media promotes an unobtainable “ideal” body type for males. For those who try and fail to meet these standards, low self-esteem may follow, which can involve thoughts like “I’m ugly and have no sex appeal,” “I’ll never look like him,” or “People won’t want to date me”.
Am I unattractive if I struggle to find a partner?
Worries about being ugly and having no sex appeal are often highly connected to worries about finding a date and sexual or romantic relationship. If you’ve had difficulties in dating, you might wonder if your physical appearance has anything to do with it. However, physical appearance doesn’t necessarily correlate with whether you can find a date or romantic relationship. Studies have found that people who spend more time getting to know each other before entering a relationship are less likely to use physical attractiveness to decide whether to be together. The truth is, people can fall in love with personality, attitude, confidence, how you treat them, and other factors, and some might not experience physical attraction to someone until these major emotional connections are formed first.
Although people with shallow opinions of others based on appearance do exist, they do not make up the entire population. Finding someone who loves you for you is possible, and having high self-esteem, confidence, self-love, and being honest may increase your chances of finding this person, regardless of how you look. Changing your mindset can be a step toward improving this aspect of your life, as studies show confidence is one of the most attractive traits in a potential romantic relationship. Even if you struggle with social confidence or have anxiety about meeting people, there are ways to improve your self-esteem.
How to improve your self-esteem to feel more attractive and attract others
Below are a few ways to start building your self-confidence, feel more attractive, and attract the people you want in your life.
Focus on developing non-physical qualities
If you have a hobby, special skill, or interest, consider spending more time developing this area of your life instead of focusing primarily on your appearance. If you don’t have a current hobby or interest, consider joining a class or group. Doing so can also allow you to meet people with similar interests or passions, which can help you develop healthy relationships based on interests and personality instead of physical attributes. In addition, focusing on your hobbies and allowing yourself to do what you truly enjoy can increase your moments of joy in daily life, improving your mood.
Establish a personal style
Having a personal style can make you feel more authentic in how you show up. If you’re trying to dress like other people to attract men or women but don’t feel good, you might not be coming off as confident. When you dress in a way that makes you happy, you may subconsciously tend to show other men and women that you feel good and comfortable in your skin and enjoy your appearance. Some people may judge you if you have a more unique or unconventional style. However, you may attract people who are attracted to the real you and the outfits you enjoy wearing, which can attract those who value authenticity and uniqueness over conventionality.
Address underlying challenges
If you know the underlying cause of your insecurities, you might benefit from addressing that cause first, which can help you improve your confidence, feel good, and build self-love and self-acceptance. For example, if you experienced bullying in childhood, you may work through this trauma by talking to a therapist, attending a support group, or working through cognitive exercises or journal prompts based on what happened and how it reflects on your reality now. If your low self-esteem is caused by stress, depression, or anxiety, talking to a therapist about this matter or seeking treatment may be helpful. If you’re already receiving treatment, ask your provider about ways to work through self-deprecating thoughts.
Practice self-acceptance exercises
In some cases, people are convinced that some non-fixable flaw with themselves makes them ugly. For some men, this might be their inability to grow facial hair, a lack of muscles, a visible disability, or a difference in appearance that others often point out, such as high weight or facial differences. However, this perception of yourself may be causing you to allow this part of your appearance to rule how you feel about yourself and others. Practicing self-acceptance, which is to accept every part of yourself exactly as it is, may help you move forward.
One way to learn to accept yourself is to practice radical acceptance, a skill from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). This skill may be especially helpful if you can’t change the aspect of your appearance that causes you to feel ugly. Below are the steps to practice radical acceptance:
- Observe how you might be questioning or fighting your reality.
- Remind yourself that your reality cannot be changed in this situation.
- Try to note any causes for the reality. Acknowledge that no one has control over how they were born, but you can control how you think about yourself.
- Practice acceptance with your mind, body, and spirit. Use positive self-talk to tell yourself you are willing to accept your body, even if difficult.
- List all the behaviors you'd partake in if you already accepted yourself. Then, act this way until you find it aligns with your reality.
- Cope ahead by thinking of ways to accept yourself if your worst fears occur.
- Attend to your body sensations using mindfulness or meditation to connect with yourself.
- If they do, allow disappointment, sadness, grief, or anger to arise. Note them, but do not act on them. Give them the space to exist.
- Acknowledge that life can be worth living, even when there is pain.
- Create a pros and cons list if you are resisting acceptance further.
Talk to a therapist
A therapist can be a helpful resource for those who struggle with low self-esteem and looking to treat and improve their self-worth. They can guide you through exercises to replace your negative thoughts with more realistic ones and rebuild your point of view and beliefs about yourself and your worth in the world. There is hope, and talking to a therapist can be a way to treat your past trauma experiences and build confidence over time. If you’re embarrassed about seeking therapy, you can also try a more discreet option, such as online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp.
Clients can meet with a provider from home via phone, video, or live chat through an online therapy platform. The chat option can be helpful for clients who have social anxiety or difficulty talking to a therapist face-to-face. In addition, you can clarify if you want to meet with a therapist of a specific gender, someone from a unique community like the LGBTQ+ community, or a provider with a BIPOC identity. This option can help you meet with someone who understands your unique experiences.
Studies also back up the effectiveness of online therapy for men. One study found that internet-based therapy could be as effective for men as it is for women, and men reported increased symptom reduction in an online format compared to in-person therapy due to the stigma men often face about seeking help. Men were better able to receive treatment in a more comfortable environment where they felt they were in more control of how they were perceived.
Takeaway
Self-acceptance can be a significant step toward confidence and a sense of being attractive to others. Even if others treat you poorly for how you look, the point is that how you feel and think about yourself can make a significant difference. If you’re having serious difficulty with your appearance or what others think of you, consider seeking support from a therapist. Asking for help is brave, and over 55 million US adults, including millions of men like you, see a therapist.
How do you know if you are unattractive as a guy?
What makes a guy feel they are good-looking is subjective. People are attracted to various physical, emotional, and intellectual qualities in others. Although there may be societal definitions of “attractiveness,” these standards change depending on culture, family, population, environment, and many other factors. For example, there are cultures in some parts of the world where smelling intense body odor is considered attractive. In the US, most people don’t hold these norms.
What makes a guy feel attractive is whether he believes he’s attractive. You do not need to conform to societal standards in any culture to be attractive to others, and many people find sexual partners or romantic partners, form a relationship, have casual sex, or maintain both male friends and female friends regardless of physical attractiveness.
What to do when you feel unattractive as a man?
If you tend to feel ugly, you may first examine the reason underlying this belief. Low self-esteem can arise from factors like mental illness, stress, traumatic experiences that happened, social ostracization, anxiety, and expectations from external forces. Even social media and dating apps can mold someone’s point of view about their personality, leading them to compare themselves to others. If you feel this way, regardless of the cause, talking about the causes with a therapist can absolutely help you develop a plan of action.
Why do I feel like I'm unattractive?
You might tend to feel unattractive because you’ve heard that message from your female friends or male friends throughout your life or have been socially pressured to look a certain way. Some people tend to feel they are ugly because of a physical difference that is difficult or impossible to change, such as a disability, their height, or their weight. Regardless of why you feel this way, you’re not alone. The truth is, confidence, a good attitude, and focusing on your good personality, positive traits, or showing respect can absolutely help you develop self-esteem, increase your self-love, and potentially make you a good-looking person to others.
Is it normal to think you are unattractive?
Believing you are physically ugly is normal. Many people tend to feel they aren’t physically attractive to others or society. It is estimated that 85% of people worldwide have low self-esteem, so you’re not alone.
Am I uglier than how I see myself?
Research shows that most people in the world, whether men, women or non-binary, are rated more attractive by others than they rate themselves, showcasing human self-interest. It’s pretty obvious that regardless of how most people treat you for how you look, your opinion of yourself — including attractiveness and sex appeal — has value. Notice that confidence, showing respect to others, being honest, and a good attitude are the ones that matter and are often rated highly attractive in surveys about what others find attractive, and even if you rate yourself more attractive than others, attractiveness is subjective.
Why do I feel like I'm not good-looking?
Below are some potential reasons you feel you’re not a good-looking person:
• Trauma related to the body, such as assault has happened
• A history of bullying or current social ostracization in your social and professional circles
• High expectations from your parents to look or act a certain way
• Difficulty socializing or a fear of social interaction
• Mental illnesses, such as social anxiety disorder
• Severe or chronic stress
• Dating apps and media portrayals of attractiveness of people of your gender or identity group
Why don't I see myself as attractive?
The reasons people feel ugly are varied. A certain moment that happened in your own life might trigger these feelings. You might have past experiences in which you realized that you were ugly or unworthy of love, which can absolutely cause you to feel this way. However, regardless of the cause, help is available. Consider talking to a therapist to unpack these beliefs and restructure them so they don’t matter as much and don’t have control over your mood anymore at the same level as your confidence and self-esteem.
How to accept you aren't attractive?
Instead of accepting the truth that you aren’t a good-looking person, you might try to accept what makes you think you’re ugly, and reflect on why those aspects matter to you if that aspect of your life is unchangeable. For example, if you have a body or physical and facial features that you think make you ugly, learn to accept them by using skills like radical acceptance, learning to hear and understand different perspectives, or talking to a therapist about where this belief stemmed from. However, in the end, attractiveness is subjective, and some of your female friends or male friends may find you a good-looking person, even if others don’t. You can also focus on maintaining a healthy lifestyle to improve confidence and well-being.
Why do I think I don't look normal?
If you think you don’t look normal, you may possibly be responding to conventional stereotypes about what your society or culture deems attractive or weird. If you don’t look like most people in the world, social media, dating apps, or in the news, you’re not weird for that— it doesn’t matter. The truth is that many people tend to have unique appearances and are still valued for their unique beauty that others may not immediately notice. For example, if you look at models for high-fashion brands, you may notice that they have unique facial features, skin, and height differences, and a sense of individuality. Seek out social media accounts and forms of media that show more diversity to find people who represent you.
Why am I so bothered by my appearance?
You might possibly be bothered by your appearance if you have low self-esteem, depression, or another mental health challenge. Self-reflection exercises can absolutely help you explore why these thoughts matter and understand how they affect your own life. You can also talk to a therapist about this matter or consider a support group to get external input and support tools. Remember that there is always hope for healing.
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