“I’m Not Attracted To My Husband”: How To Foster Intimacy In Your Marriage

Has the thought “I'm not attracted to my boyfriend or husband anymore, what should I do?” ever crossed your mind? When you discover you are not attracted to your husband, it can be alarming. You may not know when the feeling began or why you are feeling this way. You may also fear that something is deeply wrong in your marriage, but in reality, loss of attraction can occur in the healthiest of relationships. In this article, we're going to go over some reasons why your attraction to your husband could be waning and how to regain intimacy.

“I’m not attracted to my husband”: Possible reasons for a lack of attraction 

Feeling less attracted to your husband can be confusing and even a little unsettling, but it’s something many people experience in long-term relationships. Attraction naturally changes over time, and there can be all kinds of reasons for it—maybe stress is getting in the way, or you’re feeling a bit disconnected emotionally. Exploring why this might be happening can be a helpful first step toward understanding your feelings and finding ways to reconnect.

Marriage changes over time

When you get married, you join in an intimate relationship that is hopefully based on love, trust, respect, and kindness. You are physically attracted to your husband, but you may find that the sexual intimacy wanes over time after the honeymoon phase. In the beginning, you may be in the bedroom once a day or several times a day, and your intimate or sexual life is fulfilling. It's natural that people get busy with other aspects of their lives over time and have difficulty maintaining an active sex life.

However, the lack of sexual intimacy does not mean that your lack of attraction to your husband is permanent. There are many factors for why this could be happening. We're going to explore why you're not sexually attracted to husband anymore. Once you know the answer, know your situation is not hopeless. Many couples experience an ebb and flow in the bedroom. The important thing is to be mindful of your intimate life changes and make sure you have honest and open communication. One thing that can change your intimate life is when you have children and need to lose focus on your marriage.

Having children

After you have children, life is different. Many married couples find that you focus on your kids more than each other as a married couple. Something important to keep in mind is that having regular date nights and particular quality time is crucial for being married. Your kids are undoubtedly important, but so is your intimate partnership. Scheduling a date night is something that is well-deserved and needs to happen. Being a parent is demanding, in fact, it can be brutal. You are exhausted, and if you have an infant or young child, whose sleep schedule is irregular, even more exhaustion follows. You both might be waking up in the middle of the night and getting little sleep due to tending to your child. Understandably so, you or neither of you may be in the mood for intimacy. If you have recently given birth, you may feel like you've changed, or your body is different after having children, and perhaps, you're just not feeling up to being physically intimate.

All of that is okay, but you must communicate with your partner. If you're feeling overwhelmed or have no interest in sex, that could contribute to why you think that you're not attracted to your husband. Stress makes it difficult to focus on your sex drive. After having children, both stress and exhaustion can affect your intimate life. Both parents feel exhausted after childbirth and may not necessarily want to be in the bedroom as much. Their sex drive might be the same, but other factors get in the way. Maybe your husband is busy providing for the family, and you don't have much time together. Perhaps the tables are turned, and he's home with the kids. You are the one working, and you start seeing him as a caretaker rather than a lover.

A lack of novelty in the bedroom

At the beginning of your relationship, you are high on love hormones. You can't get enough of each other, and you want to be around your husband every chance you get. As time goes on, the physical relationship may change, and you might see each other more as friends. You may not be attracted to your husband because you see him as more of a buddy or roommate. After you're married for many years, the romance can wane. Maybe, the sex has become boring or formulaic somehow, and you need to spice it up. Here's a circumstance where you might want to have a conversation about your sex life.

You could try new things in the bedroom to bring excitement back into your sex life. If the problem is not sexual intimacy, you may need more quality time together. Spending date nights with one another could spark that honeymoon phase back up. That is another reason that is making time for date nights. Even if you feel like the romance is not there right now, it is so important. Those nights can make things feel new again. After relationships feel routine or boring, you might not feel compelled to have nights out with your husband. However, you may be surprised about what you find once you put in the effort to change things up and amplify the romance. If you try that and find that it's not working and that things do still feel platonic, this is a situation where seeing a couple's counselor may help.

Changing sexuality

Maybe your lack of attraction does not have to do with your husband at all. It could be that you are discovering something new about your sexuality and who you are attracted to, which could be people of the same sex. You may not be attracted to your husband because of a realization about yourself. If you've realized that you're attracted to women more than men, that's valid. If you feel that way, it might be something to explore, and it's integral to be candid about this with your husband if that is the case. Maybe, you're bisexual, or it could be that you're curious about being attracted to the same sex and want to figure out what's happening with your sexuality. Some people realize that they're gay or lesbian after years of being in a heterosexual marriage.

Do not hide these feelings from your husband. Yes, telling your husband you are gay is a difficult conversation to have, the alternative is neither mentally healthy for you nor your spouse. You also will need to talk about the future of your relationship, especially when you have children or common responsibilities. Depending on the situation, you may find that reaching for professional support is the best course of action. Talking to a couple's counselor can help you with this issue whether you choose to see someone online or in your local area.

Sexual dysfunction

You may have a strong libido at the beginning of your marriage, and as time goes on, your need for sex may change. It may be that your libido shifts, and you have a lack of sex drive, or it could be that your husband's libido changes and that it makes you less attracted to him. Again, openly talking with your husband is key to the health of your relationship. With a clear sense of what is happening, you can develop a plan together to improve the sexual drive and intimacy. There is the possibility that there is an underlying medical reason for the loss of libido, such as a side effect of medication. Just remember, you can do things to stimulate libido, whether by talking to your doctor about potential fixes and what could be impacting your libido in the first place or keeping open communication and trust with your partner.

Building attraction through your love languages

People give and receive love in different ways. You may have heard of "love languages" before, but do you know what they are? The five love languages are physical touch, acts of service, gift-giving, quality time, and words of affirmation. These love languages explain the ways that people give and receive shows of love and affection. A genuine possibility is that your husband may not seem attractive to you because your love language is not being satisfied. Rather than thinking to yourself, “I’m not attracted to my husband anymore,” consider the ways that you best receive affection. Maybe your needs are not being met by your husband and you simply need to talk to him about how he can improve. He may even feel the same way. This open communication gives you an opportunity to work through the obstacles keeping you from meeting each other’s needs. When you meet a serious roadblock in communication, you can meet with a couples counselor.

The Gottman Method

The Gottman Technique is a marriage and family counseling strategy where couples work together under the guidance of a couples counselor to build (or rebuild) a healthy relationship foundation. The technique is focused on building communication and listening skills with your partner and learning how to cope when you undoubtedly make a mistake. Dr. John Gottman and his wife Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman have conducted extensive research in the area of marriage success.  They found that marriages have an astonishing 80% chance of ending in divorce during the first four to five years of the relationship. In response, Gottman developed techniques to increase the longevity of the marriage, including emotional intimacy and sexual chemistry. 

Emotional intimacy

Sex can feel more fulfilling when there's a level of emotional intimacy. If you want to improve your connection with your partner in the bedroom, the emotional connection matters more than the physical connection. You need to work on your friendship and emotional connection and validate your partner's feelings before connecting on a sexual level. Another thing is to focus on meeting your partner's needs in the bedroom. They will feel satisfied, and so will you.

Sexual chemistry

When you start a marriage, sexual chemistry is excellent but may dwindle over time. According to scientific studies, oxytocin is a hormone that contributes to bonding and pleasure. This good-feeling hormone is released during the initial stages of dating when you are infatuated with one another. You may feel that physical touch enhances the euphoria, which is the release of oxytocin among other mood-lifting hormones (i.e., dopamine). It feels like a drug, and you want to be around your partner more and more to get that high. There are ways that you rekindle the attraction to your husband by focusing on the Gottman Techniques that encourage emotional intimacy, which can in turn create a close sexual bond.

How online therapy can help

Online couples counseling is an excellent environment to discuss these issues with attraction with your husband under the guidance of a trained professional without stigma or judgment in the comfort of their own home. With virtual sessions, you and your husband can learn how to grow closer intimately in a discreet way. Research also has shown that online therapy is quite beneficial for couples needing advice for physical intimacy. For example, a study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine examined the efficacy of online couples counseling for distressed partners reporting low sexual desire or discrepancies in sexual desire and frequency. The couples stated that participating in online therapy helped to improve their sexual intimacy, improved their emotional connection, and felt an increased level of comfort with communication, especially about sex and during times of conflict.

The licensed counselors at Regain are dedicated to helping you figure out what's happening with your marriage and supporting you in rekindling your intimacy and attraction to your husband. Your feelings are important and valid. Online couples counseling can help you and your husband maintain a long healthy marriage full of trust, love, respect, and passion for each other. Search the network of counselors here at Regain and find one who is right for you.

Takeaway

When sexual intimacy is a vital component in your marriage, the loss of physical or sexual attraction to your husband can seriously affect your relationship and create a distance. Recognizing that you are not attracted to your husband and then working towards understanding with resolution is what will help bring you closer together. However, sometimes, you are unable to work these intimacy issues out on your own. Licensed couples counselors at Regain are available at a time most convenient for you. They can help you identify the underlying causes while helping you to strengthen your intimate bond once again.