Can Relationship Counselors Help You And Your Partner?

Many people wonder if they really need couple’s therapy, as it’s a common misunderstanding that therapy is only warranted for couple’s experiencing serious challenges like infidelity or on the brink of divorce. But most couples can benefit from working with a licensed therapist, whether they’re experiencing significant challenges or seemingly insignificant ones. As Gottman therapist Zach Brittle says, “Unresolved conflict often lingers like a stone in your shoe. The pain of being wounded, whether by benign misunderstanding or intentional antagonism, will fester and grow unless and until the wound is effectively treated.”

This article will explore what relationship counseling can help with, how it works, and whether it’s effective.

What is a relationship counselor? 

As defined by the American Psychological Association (APA), relationship counseling generally refers to any type of counseling that focuses on a relationship, addressing interpersonal issues and unhealthy dynamics to improve relationship health and the well-being of both partners. 

Though often used interchangeably, there are some differences between relationship counselors and other professionals who work with couples: 

• Relationship counselor: This broad term may be used to refer to marriage counselors, couple’s therapists, or other mental health professionals who specialize in working with couples. They might be registered marriage and family therapists, licensed counselors, clinical social workers, or clinical psychologists. Before working with a relationship counselor, it may be a good idea to check their credentials and ensure that they are licensed. 
• Couple’s therapist: In many cases, therapists can only call themselves a “couple’s therapist” if they are licensed marriage and family therapist. However, the requirements differ between states, and other types of licensed therapists with training and experience working with couples may also use this title. 
• Relationship experts or coaches: Relationship experts or coaches can help people navigate things like communication challenges in relationships. However, unlike licensed therapists, these professionals require less (or no) specialized education, certification, and clinical oversight. Therefore, while many people find it helpful to work with relationship coaches for general advice, it’s not considered a substitute from therapy with a licensed professional. 

Note that the terms “counselor” and “therapist” are very often used synonymously, even within this article. While these terms are closely related, counselors typically focus more on short-term treatment of a specific issue, whereas therapists may focus on addressing more complex challenges or nuances in the relationship.

How does couples therapy help?

Couples therapy is led by a licensed mental health professional who helps couples explore a wide range of challenges, such as: 

• Miscommunication
• Infidelity
• Physical intimacy issues 
• Frequent bickering or arguments 
• Lack of trust 
• Boredom
• Loneliness
• Cultural differences 
• Different values across areas like parenting, finances, careers, or religion
• Major life changes, such as moving, a new job, or the loss of a loved one
• Diagnosis with lifechanging physical illness, such as cancer, diabetes, or an autoimmune disorder
• Psychological disorders, like substance use disorders, major depressive disorder, or bipolar disorder

Couple’s therapists often spend time teaching couples’ healthy communication skills, including using “I” language, active listening, and validating each other’s feelings. These sessions tend to focus on identifying challenges in the relationship, and then giving the couple tools and exercises to build a stronger partnership. 

While couple’s therapy is often done with both partners present, there are times when it may be attended solo: 

• One partner is not interested in trying therapy: It takes two willing and committed partners to engage in couples therapy together. In many cases, one partner is not willing, interested, or available to take part in therapy sessions. This may happen due to challenges like stigma or defensiveness, and in these cases, the willing partner may still benefit from attending couple’s therapy on their own. 
• Getting a different perspective: In some cases, therapists may ask to work with each partner separately to learn more information or allow partners to express themselves openly without the fear of hurting their partners feelings or saying something “wrong.”
• Unhealthy relationship dynamics: Partners are frequently talked to separately if they’re in a “high-problem pairing,” meaning they’re experiencing very serious issues such as substance use disorders, domestic violence, or severe mental disorders. In these cases, clients may be referred to seek individual therapy until they get to a place where the therapist believes couple’s therapy would be beneficial. 

An article published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy found that 70% of couples benefit from couples therapy. According to the American Psychological Association, however, the best outcomes come from working with a licensed therapist who has specialized training working with couple’s and interpersonal relationship challenges. 

Types of couple’s therapy 

There are many different types of couples’ therapy you might encounter. Here are some of the most common ones: 

• Emotionally focused therapy (EFT): Emotionally focused therapy is an evidence-based, structured form of psychotherapy rooted in attachment theory. When used in couple’s therapy, EFT is shown to be highly effective, with a 19-year-long meta-analysis supporting that EFT improves relationship satisfaction over the long term. EFT can be best for couples looking to improve their bond. 
• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): Cognitive behavioral therapy is often considered the gold standard of psychotherapy, and many studies support its effectiveness. Within the context of couples therapy, CBT can address negative behavioral patterns, distorted cognition, emotional regulation issues, and stressors related to mental and physical health issues. Studies show that CBT and EFT are equally effective at improving relationship satisfaction. CBT may be most helpful for changing maladaptive behavioral problems or cognitive distortions in the relationship. 
• The Gottman method: The Gottman method is a research-based approach to couples therapy developed by Dr. John Gottman, a professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Washington and renowned relationship researcher. This approach to therapy emphasizes the “Sound Relationship House” theory or successful relationships, which are supported by trust and consideration. Research supports the effectiveness of the Gottman method at improving relationship quality, adjustment, and intimacy. 

Once you know about the different types of couples therapy available, you can choose the type of therapy you want to pursue and then begin searching for a licensed couples’ therapist who practices it. 

How to find a therapist 

There are many ways to find a therapist: 

• If you have health insurance, you might want to check your plan to see if couple’s therapy is covered. If so, you can check their directory of in-network therapists. 
• Ask for recommendations from close friends, family, or your healthcare provider. 
• Search an online database, such as the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.  
• Use an online therapy platform, like Regain.

Overall, when you’re looking for a couple’s therapist, there are a few things to look out for. For example, you might want to ensure that they’re licensed therapists and that their license is up-to-date and ask for more information about their background and expertise working with couples who’ve experienced challenges like yours.

What to expect

Your experience in couple’s therapy might differ based on the types of challenges you’re experiencing and the type of therapy the provider practices. However, you can generally expect that the first session will be an opportunity for your therapist to understand both partners as individuals and as a couple. Building a trusting and comfortable relationship (called a “therapeutic alliance”) is important for successful therapy, so while early sessions may feel less productive, they’re often very important. 

Oftentimes, the first session will cover any policies and legal information, before the therapist starts to familiarize themselves with your relationship and what brought you to therapy. They may have you fill out intake forms or questionnaires, ask questions about your respective childhoods or upbrings, and begin to understand where issues may have first arisen. 

Additionally, the therapist should discuss your goals and they may have some insight into an appropriate length for sessions. Though many people want to know how long they’ll need to be in therapy, there isn’t a straightforward answer, and it’s generally recommended that you continue to attend sessions for as long as you benefit from them.

Is online couples’ therapy effective? 

A 2021 study published in Frontiers in Psychology studied 30 couples randomly assigned to attend in-person or online couples’ therapy. At the conclusion of the study, the researchers found that the relationship satisfaction and mental health of all participants was significantly improved, regardless of whether they were assigned in-person or online couples therapy. Additionally, they found that these results were sustained, and even improved, for both groups at a three-month follow-up. 

In addition to being effective, many couples prefer online therapy to in-person therapy because it’s often more affordable, easier to schedule sessions, and more comfortable to attend sessions from the comfort of home.

Takeaway

Relationship therapy can be a helpful resource for couples navigating issues like emotional disconnect, misunderstandings, physical intimacy problems, bickering, and many other challenges. If you want to try couple’s therapy, online therapy can be a convenient and effective option.