Use These Couple Counseling Tips To Improve Your Life
Have you and your partner experienced problems in your relationship that affect your well-being? Do you have concerns with communication or problem-solving? How about maintaining intimacy and closeness? All of these (and more) are common reasons couples attend therapy, where a trained therapist helps them improve foundational aspects of their relationship. If you’re concerned about the status of your relationship, the tips below - while not a replacement for couples therapy - may be a good place to start.
Couple counseling tips
You can use some of the most well-known couple counseling tips out there to help you get a good start. The tips below aren’t universal, but they may provide guidance and insight into how you can improve your relationship.
Tip #1: Increase intimacy
One of the most significant things you and your partner can do is increase the intimacy you feel for each other. This means making sure that you and your partner spend time together doing the things that you enjoy. While many people think of intimacy in terms of physical intimacy, like cuddling and sex, there are several other types of intimacy to consider.
Sometimes, it's as simple as just sitting on the couch and talking to each other.
This can help to increase your level of intimacy, and it will translate into some of the other aspects of intimacy that you and your partner want for your relationship.
If intimate moments with your partner are rare, here are some exercises that may help.
- Cuddle each other every day. Snuggle up together when you're on the couch watching TV or last thing at night in bed before you fall asleep.
- List five times that you felt close to your partner and then discuss with each other why those times were special. Don't worry if your partner's list differs from yours; just talking about the items on your list will help you understand what makes your partner happy.
- Many couples deprioritize date nights, but they are a highly-effective way to increase intimacy. Consider planning a romantic encounter where you consciously decide to focus on positivity and fun, rather than solving relationship problems.
Tip #2: Communicate, communicate, communicate!
If you don't have open and honest communication with your partner, you might find it difficult to focus on problem-solving or conflict resolution. Kind, empathetic communication is also typically necessary to bolster positivity and celebrate the good things about your partnership. A common piece of advice from couples therapists is to “never stop communicating.” Once walls appear between you and your partner, it is typically more difficult to build good communication and relationship habits.
While communicating about negative aspects of the relationships or problems to fix is necessary, consider consciously introducing positive communication at a greater rate than communication geared towards problems or negativity. Often, couples can become bogged down in the negative aspects of their relationship, which can obscure positivity and love instead of enhancing it.
Tip #3: Be proactive and willing to change
Defensiveness and stubbornness are well-known threats to a healthy relationship. It’s typically helpful to have a future-focused attitude. You and your partner will need to make at least a few changes to reach your relationship goals, and having the correct attitude will likely help your approach. Take time to consider your feelings and identify what you may be willing or unwilling to change. It is important to have boundaries, but if every concern your partner brings to you is a “dealbreaker,” change will likely be difficult.
Tip #4: Accept what you can't change
Learning to accept minor inconveniences, overlook small faults, and accept shortcomings can help make a relationship easier and less stressful. Your partner isn’t perfect, and, likely, you aren't either. Although absolute dealbreakers or unacceptable behavior may indicate a lack of compatibility, those behaviors likely have a major impact on the relationship. Small things, like occasional forgetfulness or tiny bad habits, may not be worth jeopardizing your relationship by getting upset over.
Tip #5: Control your anger
Anger and negativity can quickly poison an otherwise healthy relationship. In contrast, kindness and empathy can significantly strengthen it. If you and your partner find that disagreements devolve into fights, insults, or anger, strongly consider addressing the problem as early as possible. Angry partners rarely communicate healthily, and healthy, respectful communication is typically considered essential for problem-solving and conflict resolution.
Tip #6: Apologize when you're wrong
When you treat your partner in a way you regret or make a mistake that affects the relationship, you may be able to quickly prevent additional damage by offering a sincere apology. The apology should be meaningful and genuine; avoid offering a false apology simply to avoid conflict.
Here are two other things to bear in mind when making an apology.
1. Benjamin Franklin said, "Never ruin an apology with an excuse."
Saying, "I'm sorry I yelled at you for putting sugar in my coffee, but I had a really bad day at the office," doesn't cut it. You're implying that your partner is at fault for adding to the stress of your day.
2. Don't assume that your partner will immediately forgive you. Give them time to overcome their hurt.
Apologies are not instantaneous cure-alls, but they are often significantly quicker and less harmful than taking no action at all. If you’ve done something to hurt or offend your partner, give them time to process and accept your apology. You should also consider offering them an additional opportunity to ask questions or resolve their concerns in a healthy, productive way.
Tip #7: Do simple things that make your partner feel loved
When we get busy and stressed, we may forget the simple things we can do to show our partners that we love them. Here are a few habits of intimate couples that you can try:
- Don't hesitate to say how much you appreciate your partner
- Say thank you often
- Use active listening skills
- Surprise them with a small gift or outing
- Plan mutually enjoyable activities to bolster closeness and intimacy
Couple counseling with a trained therapist
If the tips listed above don’t resonate with you, or you found them ineffective, you may want to consider working with a licensed therapist and engaging in couples therapy. Couples therapists use evidence-based techniques to help couples improve their relationship, with promising results. Evidence suggests that nearly 80% of couples experience improvement in their relationships after attending counseling.
You might also want to consider online therapy, which is an increasingly popular way for couples to access the services of a mental health professional. Online therapy allows you and your partner to attend therapy remotely, and you don’t need to be in the same physical space to do so. It can also be more affordable than in-person therapy and allows you to select from more therapists than may be available locally.
While some have expressed concern that online therapy is not as effective as in-person therapy, evidence suggests that, in most situations, that is not the case. Online couples therapists use the same evidence-based techniques as in-person therapists, and evidence suggests that couples therapy can be highly effective when undertaken remotely.
Takeaway
Couples counseling tips can give you potential directions and the next steps toward improving your relationship. However, simply following the tips listed above may not resolve every problem. If you want to focus on improving communication, intimacy, and closeness, you may want to consider working with a couples therapist to help you bolster your relationship satisfaction.
What is the best couples therapy method?
There is not one couples therapy method that works equally well for all couples. When working with a therapist, you and your partner will share your concerns with them and work to establish counseling goals. Based on the status of your relationship, your concerns, and the direction you’d like to go, you, your partner, and the therapist will work together to determine which method will likely benefit you the most.
What is the most common problem addressed in couples therapy?
One of the most common problems addressed in couples therapy is poor communication. A lack of healthy, empathetic communication can make problem-solving and conflict resolution difficult, and many couples become bogged down by issues simply because they lack the communication skills to fix them. Couples therapists are well-equipped to help partners get on the same page, learn communication skills, and use those skills to reach meaningful outcomes in their relationship.
What is the Gottman Method?
The Gottman Method is a couples therapy approach based on the work of John Gottman, an American psychologist, relationship expert, and founder of the Gottman Institute. In the 1990s, Gottman became determined to use empirical research methods to determine what causes relationships to fail. His work continues through the Gottman Institute, which today is one of the nation’s leading relationship research organizations.
The Gottman Method identified several features of failing relationships that, if intervention is applied in time, can be effectively reversed. It is based on forming strong communication patterns, deliberately demonstrating affection, and building advanced problem-solving skills.
What questions do they ask in couples therapy?
There aren’t specific questions that all couples therapists use, but you can expect to be asked about your feelings regarding the relationship and what you would like the outcome of therapy to be. For deeply personal issues, your couples therapist may refer you or your partner to an individual therapist to address concerns that may have a one-sided impact on the relationship.
How do you know if couples therapy is working?
If couples therapy is effective, you will likely feel a greater sense of satisfaction with your relationship. However, couples therapy doesn’t purport to solve all of a couple’s problems, and you may still have areas of concern, even after therapy. It’s important not to expect perfection but rather to strive for small, progressive improvements. Your couples therapist may be able to help you recognize those improvements as they occur.
How do you bring passion back into a relationship?
One of the best ways to bring passion back into a relationship is to focus on the early days when positive feelings were likely higher than they are now. Consider scheduling more date nights and resuming activities that make your partner feel wanted and desired. Passion is correlated with romance, and romantic efforts are likely a good way to introduce more passion.
What is the success rate of couples counseling?
Evidence suggests that 70% to 80% of couples experience substantially increased relationship satisfaction after attending couples therapy.
How can couples improve their relationship?
One of the best ways to improve a romantic relationship is to enlist the services of a trained couples therapist. Couples therapy has a high rate of success, but experts recommend attending therapy at the first sign of problems before they can become overwhelming. Some couples even attend therapy before they identify any problems at all, simply to gain additional skills and resiliency against future stressors.
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