Changing His Mind: How To Win Over Guys Who Give Up On Dating

Finding an incredible man that you would love to date can be very exciting. But if you find out that he has completely given up on dating, that excitement can quickly switch to disappointment. Guys who give up on dating usually have a reason for not wanting to date any longer. They might have gone through something traumatic in the past, which could have soured them on romantic relationships. 

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

It is important to respect someone’s boundaries and preferences, and if they are adamant about not wanting to date, that should be honored. But if he is open to it, there are a few things you can try that may help you to win him over when he’s ready.

Tips for approaching this guy

If you’re in this situation with a guy, consider some of the following tips:

Be his friend first

Since the guy you like may not be ready for a relationship right now, it might help you to focus on being his friend. If this guy doesn’t feel like he is fit for a relationship right now, it’s important to respect that. We shouldn’t try to force someone to do something that they are not comfortable with. You can enjoy building a friendship while getting to know him better. This can allow him to learn about you and your personality, and vice versa.

As much as you would like to be dating this guy, it can also be nice to just have a good new friend. Being a good friend for someone is something that can be satisfying on its own. If something more develops, then that might be great, but friendships are very important in life, too. You can be there for him as a friend and see how things develop. You might find that having him as a friend is very worthwhile even if you never start dating.

Show him that you’re a genuinely good person

Showing him that you’re a genuinely good person may help you gain the interest and affection of someone else. This may also help counter any feelings of distrust this man may have developed from possible prior relationships he has had where he was mistreated or hurt. It may help to show him that you aren’t going to treat him the same way. If the guy has given up on dating because he felt he couldn’t trust his previous partner, showing him that you are honest and trustworthy may help to shift his perspective. 

If you do care about this guy, then that is going to shine through during your interactions. It might take him some time to warm up to you completely. Your warmth and genuine nature might be able to thaw an icy exterior. And again, even if this doesn’t lead to dating, it can be a very positive experience for you both as friends.

Just have fun together

Try not to take things too seriously at first. Someone who has given up on relationships or dating completely will not likely want to quickly jump into a serious relationship. This is why just having fun together can be a great step to take. You can focus on having a good time, without putting too much pressure or expectations on how things unfold. Try to figure out what it is that he likes to do, and then you can spend time enjoying those things together.

If he is a big music fan, maybe he would love going to concerts whenever cool bands come to town. He might be a sports fanatic, so going out to see a baseball game together could be a very nice outing. Maybe these fun times together will gradually lead to romance, or maybe they will lead to a strong and fulfilling friendship—either way, it can be a positive endeavor for you both. 

Take things slow

Taking things slow is also probably a good idea. Someone wary of the dating scene is likely not going to want to have things progress too quickly. It’s fine to be interested in a serious and committed relationship with this guy, but try to keep your expectations reasonable when the relationship is starting. He might be nervous about things getting too serious if he needs time to become comfortable with dating again.

Try to let things progress naturally, and don’t push him to move faster than he is comfortable moving. By taking things slow, you two can develop a strong bond that works for you both and may grow into a healthy long-term relationship. Just continue to show him that you care and that you’re willing to take things at a pace that is comfortable for you both. 

Be understanding

There is a good chance that this man has emotional scars from a past relationship or that he is still getting over a bad breakup. Guys who give up on dating often don’t do so for no reason. Giving up on dating and relationships often happens when someone has been severely hurt. Perhaps his fiancé cheated on him, or he might even be a widower. Whatever the situation is, try to be there for him and be compassionate and understanding for what he’s going through.

There might be some things that he is not going to be comfortable doing. Maybe certain activities remind him of the past, and they dredge up too many unhappy memories. Many people need time to heal. Try not to push him on certain issues and let him open up about the past when he is ready. If you can build your relationship up, it may help him feel safe about opening up eventually. If he knows that he can trust you and that you will have his best interests in mind, it may allow the relationship to develop more smoothly.

Consider counseling

If you two decide to give dating a shot and need support as you navigate this new relationship, online couples counseling might be a good idea for you two. Dating can come with ups and downs, and especially if one person had reservations about dating again, it might be helpful to work through some of those concerns with the help of a trained professional. And, research has found online therapy to be an effective option for improving both relationship and individual functioning.

It can sometimes be tricky trying to coordinate multiple schedules and find time for something like therapy. But with online therapy, you and your partner can meet with your therapist from wherever is most convenient for you both—even if that means joining the session from separate locations. 

Takeaway

Meeting someone you are interested in dating and then finding out that they have given up on dating can be very disappointing. It’s important to respect other people’s boundaries and preferences, but if this other person is open to it, there are things you can try that may help you win them over when they’re ready. If you would like to discuss your concerns with a relationship expert, you can speak with a licensed therapist online.