Dating An INTJ: Challenges And Benefits
Dating is, in and of itself, a challenge. Though, dating certain personality types might prove far more difficult than others and far more rewarding than others. One of the 16 personality types described by the Myers-Briggs test, the INTJ - Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking, and Judging - personality type, is in the minority within the human population due to a unique combination of attributes. Only 1-4% of the population fits the behavior and personality traits linked to INTJs. So, what exactly is it like to date an INTJ personality? If you are an INTJ, read more if you want to know .
What characterizes the INTJ personality?
Katharine Cook Briggs and her daughter Isabel Briggs Myers were the creators of the MBTI personality test after they spent twenty years observing different personality types as theorized by Swiss psychologist Carl Jung. Myers and Briggs modeled their questionnaire using Jung’s theory of ”individual preferences”, which stated that the variation in the way people behave is caused by individual differences in mental and emotional functioning. They believed that breaking down personality types by these ways of functioning could help us both understand ourselves and interact with others more effectively.
In the Myers-Briggs system, there are four different categorizations, with two possible ways of processing. These include Introvert/Extrovert, Intuition/Sensing, Thinking/Feeling, and Judgment/Perception. Although the differences between introverted men and extroverted men are largely known, and thinking and feeling can easily be perceived, intuition/sensing and judgment/perception pairings are often more difficult to understand and often bear a greater weight when determining what a person's type is.
The difference between intuitive personalities and sensing personalities is primarily how people perceive and understand the world around them. Someone with a sensing personality (xSxx personality types) will rely more heavily upon their senses to take in and process information. Someone with an intuitive personality (xNxx personality types) relies more on patterns and big-picture thinking, relying far more on intuitive responses than readily observed sensations or experiences.
The differences between judgment and perception personalities are similar in that one is more easily observed, and one is more obscure or abstract. Judging personalities (xxxJ personalities) have strong, conclusive beliefs and ideas about themselves, others, and the world. In contrast, people with perception personalities (xxxP personalities) allow for far more nuance and openness in their beliefs and understanding. Just as each of the other personality functions operates as opposites, essentially, the judgment and perception types might be at odds when forming their ideas.
An INTJ personality is a combination of being introverted, intuitive, thinking, and judging. When combined, these traits can often seem almost contradictory in nature. Many people consider being intuitive an emotional trait, whereas INTJs place greater emphasis and importance on thinking through things and operating through their mental state, rather than relying on emotional states. INTJs are called the "Architects" in the Myers-Briggs system. The INTJ personality type is historically associated with people who bring about large-scale change or individuals who work to challenge established systems.
How conclusive is Myers-Briggs?
Myers-Briggs is an oft-relied-on personality test but is not a conclusive science, nor is it a test 100% backed or supported by any psychologically governing body. Instead, the Myers-Briggs assessment is a tool designed to help individuals better understand themselves, including their motivation, behavior, wants, and needs. Myers-Briggs is not intended to replace medical advice, nor is it intended to function in the place of a psychological exam or psychological treatment. It is a personal personality tool created to instruct and expand your understanding of a person’s traits, rather than any treatment regimen or exact science.
How are INTJs different from the general population?
INTJs are different (and in the minority) because they possess traits that seem to be at odds. INTJs are laser-focused, but also imaginative, logic-based, but also creative, and curious, but also decisive. This personality type defies many of the stereotypes often associated with each of their traits, making both finding them and understanding them difficult and infrequent. While some would consider this a boon, some might also consider being such a strong personality minority troublesome or problematic, as understanding them-in friendship, workplace relationships, familial relationships, or romance can prove challenging or even overwhelming.
While many people are all too happy to provide constant check-ins, photos, and descriptions of their days and lives, INTJs are more likely to keep everything close to the belt.
Feeling types are more commonly paired with intuitive types, too, which makes the combination of an INTJ's thinking and intuitive functions an interesting one. INTJs are more analytic in their thought processes but are more than capable of making intuitive leaps and are often found reaching the correct answer-or an incredible solution to a problem, without precisely accounting for every step they took to get to the crux of the issue. This ability is, in part, the reason for labeling INTJs "architects" within the Meyers-Briggs system, as INTJs can construct enormous frameworks for problems and issues that are sturdy and, often, infallible.
Dating and INTJs: When the two intersect
INTJs are not frequently associated with dating and romance, as many INTJs do not consider romance a high priority in their lives. While many other types are romantics at heart, INTJs are far more likely to see relationships as a perfunctory obligation-at least until a significant and powerful connection is made. INTJ men and women value intelligence above almost all else, so dating is highly unlikely to be driven by the standard physical attraction and is far more likely to occur as a mental attraction between two people of similar intelligence or with similar interests.
Instead, an INTJ is far more likely to seek a , wherein both partners have an equal say in decisions, and discourse is far more of a friendly, lively, spirited debate than a simple back-and-forth, give-and-take type of conversation.
People with an INTJ personality are notoriously distasteful toward small talk, so dating one can at first seem intimidating. Rather than engaging in a hefty amount of superficial discussion, INTJs might want to immediately dive into more complex subjects, ranging from personal baggage and needs to current events, politics, and world problems. This does not mean that INTJs are not interested in getting to know other people. On the contrary, they are interested in getting to know the core of a person from the outset, as opposed to engaging in social pleasantries before actively getting to know someone they are considering as a romantic partner.
Challenges of dating an INTJ
For some, people with INTJ personalities may appear aloof, distant, or too cold for dating. Because INTJs generally place more focus and importance on thinking through things and engaging in rational thought, rather than relying entirely upon emotions in a romantic relationship, they have a reputation for being cold in romantic partnerships. Although most INTJs would argue this is not true at all, getting past an INTJs seemingly cold exterior does require some time and effort-time and effort that someone interested in casually dating might not be willing to put forth.
INTJs can be extremely straightforward and matter of fact, which can hurt people's feelings-especially when romance and intimacy are involved. Although not all INTJs are tactless in delivering the truth, most INTJs value . They are unlikely to lie or "fudge" the truth to spare someone's feelings or preserve a relationship. For this reason, people who are sensitive to criticism, extremely concerned about what others think, or prone to people-pleasing rather than being straightforward might find dating an INTJ a nearly impossible task.
INTJs absolutely . Communication is essential in any relationship with an INTJ. If you struggle to communicate openly, consistently, or honestly, you will likely struggle in a relationship with an INTJ. Relationships are not regarded as emotion-based systems but are instead viewed with the same practical, methodical lens as everything else, so there is a strict set of expectations placed on both the INTJ, themselves, and the INTJ's partner.
Benefits of dating an INTJ
Perhaps one of the greatest benefits of dating an INTJ lies in the INTJ personality's ability to be and preference for . INTJs are unlikely to dive deep into codependence or other unhealthy behavioral patterns within a romantic relationship and will work hard to maintain independence and their own separate identity. This can remove a lot of the pressure and stigma associated with dating.
Therapy can help you learn how to best support your partner
INTJs, as mentioned above, are straightforward. While it can be problematic, it can also be one of the best attributes of an INTJ, as you will never have to wonder where you stand with your partner or where they stand with you. INTJ communication is usually strong and unflinching, especially with someone they love, trust, or respect.
Your life will never be boring with an INTJ. Because INTJs value knowledge and insight, they constantly search for new things to learn, new perspectives to understand, and new ways to solve problems. This means that your INTJ will likely have many stories, experiences, and ideas under their belt, and conversation is unlikely ever to grow old, stagnant, or uninspired.
Looking for professional advice?
Although dating an INTJ can be difficult, it can also be immensely rewarding and beautiful. One of the most important aspects of dating anyone is cultivating the ability to set aside your ideas for a moment to understand the wants and needs of others, and taking time to understand how your INTJ partner works are likely to prove valuable to you both. If you find that you are struggling in your relationship with an INTJ, you may want to consider bringing in an outsider's perspective through therapy despite the two of you love one another immensely. A therapist can help the two of you bridge any communication gaps you might be experiencing and improve your relationship through improving communication.
You may live in a rural location or prefer meeting with a therapist in the comfort of your own home. In these cases, consider online therapy, a form of counseling supported by several studies to be equally effective as in-person therapy with the added benefits of comfort and convenience. An online therapist, such as those found on Regain.Us, might also be able to provide new and unique ways of understanding and appreciating your differences, to celebrate your relationship, rather than resenting it truly.
Takeaway
Dating an INTJ is unlikely to be a quick, unfulfilling experience but usually involves plenty of time, intensity, and even some confusion as you learn how to communicate with and function alongside someone whose thoughts, behaviors, and ideas often seem contradictory. With time and attention, many men and women have found that a relationship with an INTJ is fulfilling if challenging role and have come to appreciate all the things that make their partner unique.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
Why are INTJs hard to date?
INTJs are unique individuals, and it can be challenging to date them. It is especially true if the relationship is starting or someone who can’t easily compromise or adapt to their lifestyle and habits.
You may send the first few weeks of your relationship with an INTJ, studying their preferred communication style and how often they want to communicate. Some INTJs would appreciate more communication via text than frequent hanging out. Because of their personality type, INTJs may fail to reach out to their partners via phone calls. If they miss your calls, it may take a relatively long time to return them.
Time, they say is a healer. But what you didn't also know is that it is a great adapter. After several months of being in a relationship with an INTJ, you are bound to understand most of their patterns and habits. You'll know when they are working or busy, and when they are free. When other personality types may gleefully respond to a meme, a person with an INTJ personality may find it uninteresting. So, do away with that wrong notion that INTJs are harder to date. You only need to be more patient with them and give them the space they want. When you do, every other thing will fall in place. Know that they need to be alone sometimes.
Like all relationships, dating an INTJ demands compromise, understanding, time, and patience. It takes a learning heart, loving and appreciating them for who they are, and not sternly demanding a change to win an INTJ over.
What are INTJs attracted to?
All INTJs are wired to have a keen thirst for knowledge and logic. And when they make it into the dating world, INTJs view it as an opportunity to know about their crush's intimate and personal stories/life details. An individual with an INTJ personality does pass judgments based on the storylines because they're logical and have an adept desire to understand.
For some INTJs, their first attraction point in their crush is not their intellect. An intuitive and imaginative mind is golden to these kinds of INTJs. Because they seek to understand their crush's stories, imagination would help them feel a deeper sense of connection with them and empathize with them if there’s a need for it.
Because INTJs are system creators, they love to know everything about a person or something. It is akin to a creative process where they’ll have to piece different puzzles and draw conclusions. They like to ask special questions to help them know some of the deepest and most important details of their romantically interested people. In the dating world, INTJs are voyeurs who seek to know the unique details about their crush’s life – emphasis on uniqueness. Say something unique or unusual about yourself if you want to attract an INTJ.
If you have what it takes to seduce an INTJ emotionally, then seducing them physically is just a walkover for you because you wouldn't have to dispense much effort to win them over. They're not overly affectionate people. Most of than not, they'll appreciate it if their love interest or crush makes the first contact move.
Below are some good ways of getting a person with an INTJ personality to become attracted to you:
- Understand that you are about to fall in love with a space-loving person.
- Carefully study them. Normally, they’ll have many interests. Choose a few of these interests and know more about them, sufficient to help you hold a casual conversation about it with them.
- Take your time and learn the most common logical imperfections and how you can spot them. There’s nothing that attracts and impresses an INTJ like possessing the ability to recognize logical flaws accurately.
- It is not easy for INTJs to recognize flirting moves that are focused on them. It is more effective to confess their attraction to you in casual terms.
- Logical arguments fundamental type of communication that INTJs are used to. Converse with them in such a manner.
- Looking deep into your eyes for most INTJ's is as intimate as lovemaking, without the bother and mess. They rarely start physical intimacy.
Who are INTJs most compatible with?
INTJs are independent but loyal in relationships. When it comes to selecting a lover, an INTJs view it the same way scientists view a scientific proposition through the lens of the scientific method.
They carry out an intelligent search for one that fits into their carefully made wish lists. And when they eventually settle for a relationship, they make a devoted partner. Normally, they have a succinct idea of what is needed to build a strong relationship, and they're steadfast in their quest for this ideal.
Also, INTJs are passionate about self-development, and they often encourage their partners to pursue their dreams and be the very best they can be.
But they don't often think frivolous romance and affection are important because they think that their devotion to their partners should be obvious. They're more concentrated on helping their spouse with brain-tasking, problem-solving challenges, and hard work than overwhelming them with needless attention.
Two mature and well-developed people, irrespective of their personality type, can enjoy the dividends of a fruitful relationship. Still, INTJs seem to do better in the dating world with the ENTP or the ENFP naturally. The dominant function of INTJ’s Intuition Introversion is best suited with that of a person whose personality type is dominated by Intuition Extroversion.
Do INTJs like to cuddle?
Just as you’ve known, an individual's outlook with an INTJ personality type may appear emotionless/cold. This is normally so because they are not masters at expressing how they feel, so their response to what you think should normally be exciting may rather be dull and non-motivating.
Don't get it mixed up. INTJs have feelings too. Only that they are introverted, and their feelings seem to be concealed in their core. Most people in the dating world think INTJs and other types of introverts process more feelings in their core than their extroverted counterparts.
This implies that even though they've found a way of logically separating emotions from facts, just every other soul on this planet, they long for human relationships and interaction. There are types of INTJs that always desire a soul that they deeply connect and interact with.
INTJs do not like to accept this because of their very independent nature, probably more independent than any other personality type. But they need someone that they feel they can rely on also.
If INTJs happen to have a deep-seated connection with a person, they can be cuddly or clingy because they feel comforted and safe when they are in their presence. The other person will also have the same feeling if he/she is an INTJ.
But this is often the case because there’re many types of INTJs with their unique set of behaviors.
Will INTJ make the first move?
INTJs are not scared of chasing after what they desire, especially if the person checks of all the boxes in their list. They are not the types that want to miss out on opportunities. This trait seems to contradict their dislike for vulnerability. But INTJs have found a way of striking a balance between these two opposing traits.
Because they are go-getters, they feel the urge always to want to make useful progress. If INTJs find someone they truly want to have a connection with, they’ll not be wary of making the first move.
While it is true that they may appear emotionless, it is even truer to say that they are intellectually expressive, as they articulate their desires in very clear terms.
But age and experience can also be a factor here. If the INTJ is a relatively inexperienced male, it is most likely that his approach would be more guarded rather than aggressive. They don't just like to overstep their boundaries and may not be very much aware of signals.
For the less confident INTJ, you may want to serve your true intentions on a gold platter before taking your first bite. Your first kiss may come several months after the start of your relationship. Don't rush the process; everything will align in due time.
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