Emotionally Unavailable Men: Characteristics And Mental Health Challenges
For some, the desire to build a deep, emotional connection plays a big part in their search for someone to date. But what happens when you find yourself investing time and effort into a relationship where your partner doesn’t seem to be reciprocating your desire for an emotional connection? It could mean that you’re dating someone who is emotionally unavailable. Dealing with people who lack emotional connection can be tricky when you both want different things; it can leave you feeling alone, sad, unimportant, and undesirable. Read on to learn what causes people to become emotionally unavailable, and tips on what to do if you find yourself in a relationship with someone who lacks an emotional connection with you.
What causes emotional unavailability?
Many different things can cause someone to be emotionally detached. However, these reasons fall under two main categories: temporary or chronic.
Temporarily emotional unavailability is due to a life event. They could have something else in their life that they dedicate their time and effort to, such as their job, family, furthering education, or even a health concern. People who are recently divorced or widowed often find themselves becoming emotionally detached for some time while they grieve the lost relationship. This situation is also possible for those who have recently ended a long-term relationship. Sometimes a breakup can lead to a person being emotionally unavailable. They may still want to date – but aren’t ready to be in a long-term relationship. Emotionally, unavailability is their default.
While these reasons are likely to subside with time, that doesn’t mean you can force someone who is emotionally inept or emotionally unavailable to open up. They will have to decide when they are ready to invest emotionally in a new relationship.
Mental health concerns and emotional intimacy challenges
Chronic Emotional Unavailability has underlying causes that are more severe and often lead to chronic emotional issues. For example, research has shown that parents who aren’t emotionally available to their children have a higher risk of raising adults who are emotionally unavailable themselves. Some people with mental health concerns may also experience difficulties with emotions. In addition, those who have been burned by love before may find it challenging to get over the hurt and are afraid of making an emotional connection again.
Chronic emotional unavailability is more challenging to overcome. Often, the best solution is treatment from a mental health professional who can help them assess these concerns and find ways to overcome them to be comfortable with emotions again.
Emotionally unavailable men: Characteristics associated with intimacy challenges
There are specific characteristics of emotionally unavailable partners to look for when assessing relationships. These traits can vary depending on both the person and the situation. If you just see one or two of the characteristics listed, that doesn’t necessarily mean that they are emotionally detached. But if you notice that your significant other has more than a couple of the traits listed, there is a chance that they might have a problem with emotion.
They have trouble expressing themselves
One of the most common characteristics of an emotionally unavailable person is the reluctance to reveal their feelings to you. Discussing how you’re feeling is a normal part of a healthy relationship, but a detached partner will not be comfortable doing this. Showing feelings means letting your guard down, which is what emotionally unavailable people absolutely do not want to do.
For instance, they’ll avoid confiding even everyday occurrences from their week, like how a tough meeting with their boss went or disappointment about having plans canceled. Instead, an emotionally unavailable partner will keep these thoughts and feelings inside rather than confiding in you.
They’ll choose to discuss more mundane topics instead of emotional ones, sticking to facts rather than anything that touches on feelings.
They don't respond to your emotional side
Emotionally distant people have trouble with all emotions, not just their own. If they change the subject when you try and talk about your feelings, or if they become withdrawn, frustrated, or even annoyed, these are signs they are emotionally unavailable.
Healthy relationships involve vulnerability and having someone willing to listen to you and help you through tough times. Emotionally distant people aren’t willing to deal with emotionally charged situations, making them unable to maintain normal romantic relationships.
They rarely talk about their childhood
An emotionally unavailable person is rarely, if ever, open and honest about events in their past when it comes to relationships and life experiences. While no one needs to confess every single detail about their past and their failed relationships, being able to give details about yourself is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship.
You can’t expect someone to tell you all of their intimate details when your relationship is new.
Still, if your partner keeps you in the dark about his past even after you’ve been together for a while, this may be a sign of a lack of emotional vulnerability.
They often make jokes to avoid emotional intimacy
Have you noticed that your partner manages to turn every serious moment into a joke or responds with sarcasm? Another characteristic of emotionally unavailable men is that they often choose this tactic to avoid expressing any strong emotions, such as anger, disappointment, fear, or sadness. They’ll find a way to turn any situation into a laugh as a defense mechanism rather than having to deal with emotions honestly -- whether their emotions or yours. So if you notice that they react to bad news with a joke or your expressions of emotion with sarcasm, these can be signs of emotional unavailability.
They’re reluctant to commit
Some people are either not able or unwilling to commit to another person in a relationship. They’ll do their best to keep things casual – even avoiding calling you their partner – to avoid committing to you. Commitment involves an emotional investment from both people in a relationship, which is exactly what they are trying to avoid. If your partner is emotionally immature, they will often have short relationships, never staying with a partner long enough to require any investment on their part. If you’ve approached the idea of taking your relationship to the next level and they’ve been unreceptive or tried to change the subject, there is little chance of your relationship becoming any more than what it is now.
They replace emotional connections with physical ones
Physical intimacy is a natural part of a romantic relationship, and it isn’t uncommon for men to be interested in initiating a physical relationship before they’ve established an emotional connection. The difference with emotionally unavailable men is that they will replace emotional connections with physical ones. If they deflect your attempts to talk about your relationship or your emotions by initiating physical intimacy, there is a good chance that they are emotionally unavailable.
They respond negatively to emotion
The difference of whether or not someone is just awkward at handling emotions is if they try to avoid them entirely. Avoidance is the key factor that defines an emotionally distant person. If your partner avoids “labeling” your relationship, discussing their feelings, or reacts negatively when you express your emotions, it’s likely they are emotionally detached and that your relationship is unlikely to progress any further than it already is.
What to do if you’re with an emotionally unavailable person
The traits of an emotionally unavailable person aren’t hard to read, but they can be hard to deal with, especially if you’ve found yourself married to an emotionally distant person. There is a difference between being emotionally unavailable and simply being bad at handling emotions.
An emotionally distant partner isn’t necessarily broken; they may have just not learned or forgotten how to deal with emotions. Dealing with an emotionally unavailable partner isn’t impossible. You can approach the idea of going to couples counseling or individual therapy to try and address the concern.
Emotionally unavailable men: Characteristics that may make it hard to seek help
There is a good chance, however, that they’ll refuse. If you approach it straightforwardly, they may be receptive. Tell them that you’re interested in continuing your relationship and mention how you believe you two are a good fit for each other. If your partner is the type who is willing to try and change, they should be willing to address their issues. If not, you’ll know it may be time to move on from the relationship.
Cultivating emotional intimacy with a mental health professional
One form of couples therapy that is growing in popularity due to its success is emotional-focused therapy or EFT. The American Psychological Association explains that during EFT sessions, “the therapist helps the client to become aware of, accept, make sense of, and control emotions as a way of resolving problems and promoting growth.” EFT’s focus is on emotions and emotional communication and how they play a key role in improving relationships. A systemic review of 19 years of EFT studies related to couples found that EFT improved marital satisfaction and that satisfaction was sustained during follow-up appointments.
How an online therapist can help your partner discuss their emotions, childhood, etc.
Unlike in-person counseling, Regain offers convenient online sessions that can be done from your computer, tablet, or phone whenever it best suits your schedule. Don’t let dealing with emotionally unavailable men affect your mental well-being; let a licensed therapist help you learn how to work through this journey, even if your boyfriend isn’t willing to participate.
Therapist reviews
Austa Murray, LCSW
“Austa has been wonderful thus far. She has helped my partner and I during an unimaginably difficult time... She has also guided us in communicating effectively and setting appropriate boundaries in our relationship. I was hesitant to pursue counseling at the beginning, but I truly believe that it is making a difference for our relationship. Austa is easy to talk to and she is a great listener. I would wholeheartedly recommend her as a counselor.”
Natalie Alexander, LPC
“Sessions with Natalie are very insightful and give practical advice on implementing new habits and changes. Be prepared to engage and be challenged to think in a different way. I know that my partner and I can already see improvements in our relationship and feel more positive about working through our issues together.”
Takeaway
Having an emotionally unavailable partner can be frustrating, but it doesn’t mean that your relationship is doomed. If you’ve found yourself in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner and aren’t sure what to do, you can set up an appointment with a licensed therapist here at Regain. We connect people with therapists who can help deal with many types of relationship issues, including those that can arise from dealing with emotionally distant partners. Contact Regain to start strengthening your relationship today.
Frequently asked questions (FAQ)
What is an emotionally unavailable person?
This means the non-preparedness or willingness to stay loyal and committed to a relationship. He'd rather keep things undefined and casual with you to avoid dealing with the deeper elements that come with long-term relationships.
These types of men will jump from one fling to another because they’ve not invested in the relationship more than they are comfortable with or willing to.
If you’d rather want to define your relationship and introduce more commitment elements with a guy, but he’d rather prefer friends with benefits or entertain the prospects of dating other girls and moving on from you, this can be a very clear indication that he is not ready for a relationship.
Can a man who is not ready fall in love?
Yes, a man who is not ready for commitment can fall in love, but they won’t go head over heels with just any charming lady out there. A recent survey of 172 college students shows that men fall in love earlier than women. This only makes it evident that a guy's feelings can change, which may take the relationship in a different direction.
Can a therapist help an emotionally unavailable person change?
While most psychologicallyunavailable persons rarely change, some do. With the different dips and vicissitudes of life, these men may change how they’ve always been.
But it is important to note that psychologically inattentive men do not just automatically change into individuals capable of commitment, respect, communication, loyalty, love, and empathy overnight.
Studies show that area for depth is dependent on numerous factors, so it may not be the easiest thing to change with adequate therapy.
How do you connect on a deeper level with a guy who is emotionally unavailable?
They may be our fathers, brothers, sons, boyfriends, or husbands. They find it hard to express feelings, and most times, they seem less concerned with hearing and relating to a woman’s feelings. These men may ignore, withdraw, or become angry or defensive when they’re asked to become vulnerable or committed in their relationships.
To connect with them:
- Understand what prompts their attitudes
He probably had a difficult childhood with sexual or psychological abuses, a distant father, a dominant mother, or a controlling guardian. Relating with you at the core may not be convenient for him.
- Become a person
It is important not to be too reactive when issues of your past hurt or trauma arise to avert his plans to open up to you. This will aid in a faster connection with your psychologically inattentive partner.
- Make not state accusations; state feelings rather.
Psychologically inattentive individuals are abhorrent of accusations. What works the magic on them is feeling. Just like every other normal human being, they have feelings too. They are different from others because they can be hideous with their feelings.
- Request for what you desire
Most men are usually straightforward, and they love to tackle their problems head-on. Vague accusations or not making your complaints clear-cuts seldom facilitate the desired connections. Requesting for some minutes with him to discuss essential topics with you because of your loneliness may send the message that you’d like to connect more with him.
- Don’t demand, invite
Arguing that he hides his feelings from you will normally lead to fewer connections, truncating your plans for an invitation to bear your deepest feelings to him. Gently seek to know if he'll like to his feelings about something important to you. This could help strengthen your bonds.
- Show your gratitude and let go.
If he his feelings and thoughts with you, don’t yield to the temptation to extract more from him than he’d love to offer willingly. Plus, you are your mental health from the hurt of over-expectation.
What causes a guy to become emotionally unavailable?
The term psychologically inattentive means, for some reason, a person fails at expressing their feelings fully. Most psychologically inattentive individuals have experienced hurdles at a particular point in their lives that express their feelings with great difficulty.
They're normally less optimistic and cynical of people and circumstances. If a close relative or acquaintance is abnormally judgmental of you, there's some probability that he connects with you or is excessively self-critical.
One way psychologically inattentive people can help themselves is to connect with their core and feelings before some psychological intimacy with other people.
Almost every psychologically inattentive person has depression or/and anxiety sessions, but they are frequently not aware of this because of their lack of touch with their feelings.
The emergence of anxiety can be traced to fear. The latter is one of the major causes: fear of becoming overwhelmed, fear of intimacy, fear of hurt, fear of prejudice, unjustifiable fear of death or/and fear of baring your true worth.
A careful look into the life of a psychologically inattentive individual will reveal that they’d faced incidences of inadequacies, shame, and other forms of bad feelings.
When is a guy hurt?
A severe psychological injury arises when a guy becomes lost in his problems and no longer contributes or cares about his intimacy with his partner whatsoever.
In some of the best instances, a hurt guy will take conscious efforts to work on his issues and himself to help him develop a healthy love relationship.
That said; let’s take a look at some of the signs that show that a person has been hurt psychologically:
1) His former pains still take a toll on him
The fact that a guy still clings to past events says a lot about the degree of his psychological injury. Even when he may say otherwise, there are chances that the pain is still somewhere hidden in his heart.
Pain from previous disappointments, rejection, and depression can be difficult to do away with. Even when you think you are relatively free from them, they’d still come back, hanging around your sanity like vultures looking for what to prey on.
2) He does not fully commit to the relationship
A guy with a psychological injury resembles a wounded tiger. He is always on the run, seeking shelter and a place to find refuge. He does not like to get involved in conflicts and always seeks to himself from them.
He concentrates on his needs and his overall health because, at his core, he is still trying to survive. But, like every living soul out there, he still desires emotional intimacy and affection. Psychologically injured men will find it hard to express their emotions or return affection.
3) He is not comfortable opening up to you
Even though a hurt person may open up to you when he is vulnerable, one way of knowing that your person has been psychologically hurt is that he is not comfortable opening up to you or regrets it when he does.
This can be traced to the feeling of exposure which he'll not appreciate.
4) He does not appear to trust you
When your guy is a control freak and emotionally abusive, it could signify that he has been psychologically injured. This often manifests as a lack of trust in you. So, rather than entrusting you with a joint partnership, he’ll rather do it himself.
5) He is careful about revealing his attraction and love
One of the problems that men who have been psychologically hurt before face is the difficulty in revealing their object of attraction and love. He bottles up everything, even his feelings for you.
6) He craves validation and attention
You can tell a psychologically injured guy by the way he courts validation and attention.
His low self-image and warped self-esteem continuously remind him that he isn't sufficient enough. It is like a discontented judge is regularly sentencing him inside the four walls of his mental jail. He feels inadequate and is ashamed of himself – for no sensible reason.
What are the signs of an emotionally unavailable guy?
Trying to identify emotions can sometimes be difficult. Many psychologically inattentive individuals have a special talent for making you feel special and optimistic about the prospect of your relationship with them.
But when you don’t rekindle the deep bonds after what seems like a hopeful start, then he may not have what it takes to maintain it further than the present casual connection. The following signs will help you identify a psychologically inattentive person:
- He does not like planning as regards your relationship
As we noted earlier, psychologically inattentive men have a lesser inclination to stick to commitments, whether they're major or minor commitments.
- He calls the shots
When you see each other, they tend to choose what you do — usually an activity that aligns with their typical routine. They might put on the latest episode of their favorite Netflix show, even though you’ve never seen it. Or maybe they ask you to help them out around the house.
He is often domineering and likes to instruct you on what to do – usually a routine that mirrors his normal activities. He may play the newest episode of his favorite soap opera, not caring if you like it or not. Or he may tell you to help him do some housework, not minding if you are in the mood or not.
- You’re responsible for most of the relationship work
So, you can’t recall when last he sent you a non-reply message? Feeling disappointed that he doesn’t initiate a date or set up plans to take your relationship to the next level? If you are the one doing all the planning, testing, and calling, then it shows that they’re emotionally immature.
- He shows up late or truncates your outings.
Constantly coming late or not keeping to commitments is a clever way of keeping your distance from someone. Your guy may still apologize for this and still show some signs that he cares.
Does no contact work on men who are emotionally unavailable?
The no-contact principle also works on men. While it is true that the psychology of a male is a far cry from that of a female, feelings, and realities are often very similar in both genders.
Male psychology is wired to respond to reverse psychology. This means that he'll respond to the direct opposite of his expectations.
Rather than chasing him, looking for closure, calling, or texting, vanish from his life. That is the only way you can make him feel, “I made a huge mistake by breaking up with her.”
How does an emotionally unavailable man show love and intimacy?
Emotionally unavailable men may show love subtly, like small acts of service or being physically present. They might not be vocal or expressive but may show they care by supporting you in practical ways or spending time with you. Patience and understanding can sometimes help them express affection more openly.
How do you get an emotionally unavailable man to open up about their mental health, childhood, and past?
Start with gentle, open-ended questions and a non-judgmental attitude. Building trust is key. Let him know he’s in a safe space and avoid pushing. Sometimes, sharing a bit about your own experiences can help him feel more comfortable. A therapist can also provide a secure environment for these discussions.
Who attracts emotionally unavailable men?
Empathy and caring people might find themselves drawn to emotionally unavailable men, often because they see potential or want to help. This dynamic can sometimes stem from one’s attachment style or past experiences. Recognizing this pattern can assist in choosing more fulfilling connections.
Can an emotionally unavailable man love someone?
Yes, an emotionally unavailable man can feel love, but expressing it may be challenging. He might struggle with intimacy or opening up fully, making it difficult for his partner to feel connected. He may learn healthier ways to express his feelings with support and sometimes therapy.
Do emotionally unavailable men miss the intimacy of a relationship, and can working with a therapist bring them closer to it?
Many emotionally unavailable men do miss the comfort of intimacy but may struggle to acknowledge it. Therapy can be incredibly beneficial in helping them explore these feelings and develop stronger connections. A therapist provides tools for understanding and expressing emotions, which can lead to deeper, more genuine relationships.
What do you do if your partner is emotionally unavailable?
Approach the situation with patience and empathy. Express your needs calmly, and let them know you’re there to support them. Encouraging them to seek help individually or through couples therapy can make a difference. But remember, you also deserve emotional connection—balance is key to a healthy relationship.
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