How To Break The Cycle Of “Hook Up” Dating

It can be fun to date around, go out with different people, and have casual flings, but sometimes, you might want something more. If you’ve decided you want something more serious than what you’re getting, what can you do? How can you break the cycle of "hookup" or casual dating and find something more substantial? Read on for a few ideas.

Tips for trying to break the cycle of hookups

If you’ve decided that you’re not interested in hookups and would prefer to find something a little more serious, consider some of the tips below:

Start dating different types of people

One thing to try would be to consider dating different types of people than you have been. If you're currently dating people who are mostly looking for casual hookups (even if they’re looking for the best hookup), it can make sense that those connections don’t turn into a relationship beyond that. To start dating different types of people, you may want to think about looking for partners in different places. If you've been meeting most of your dates on a casual dating app or hookup app, then maybe it would be helpful to look elsewhere; hookup apps might not have the culture you’re looking for. Consider switching to a more serious dating app or try online dating through websites and chat rooms where you can filter for specific commitment levels. You could try to meet people in person at the gym, coffee shop, library, grocery store, or local events. You can see who is out there and try to find someone you will click with on a different level, and even if you don’t find a romantic connection, you may meet some new friends.

As you do this, it can also be helpful to examine your mindset when it comes to picking romantic partners. Have you been choosing people based on whether they're compatible with you, or have you mostly been dating people based solely on physical attraction? It may help to reflect on what qualities you are actually looking for in a romantic partner besides appearance, and that may change the types of people you pursue. 

Learn to be happy alone for a while

If you have been stuck in a "hookup" dating cycle that you’d prefer to not be in, it may be worth asking yourself if you are comfortable being alone. Is it possible that you are seeking out casual hookups that you don’t really want because you simply don’t want to be alone? This won’t be the case for everyone, but it can be a useful question to reflect on in some cases. Sometimes, out of a fear of loneliness, we might try to connect with people we aren’t that interested in or in a way we don’t really want just in an attempt to fill that void. 

If you think this might be a factor for you, it may be helpful to spend some time working on yourself and your self-esteem and trying to become more comfortable being on your own. You can work on your own goals, spend time on your interests and hobbies, and cultivate deeper connections with friends and family. This can look different for different people; some people might like to focus on physical fitness, while others might be interested in learning how to dance or play the guitar. You can find something fun to do and focus on that in your spare time. You may also choose to focus on your career or some other aspect of your personal life. Whatever you choose, doing more for yourself can improve your self-esteem, confidence, and overall well-being, which can also make you more prepared for a healthy relationship when the time comes. 

Seek help through online counseling

Finally, if you would like additional support in navigating the confusing world of dating and figuring out how to find what you’re looking for, an online therapist can help. As mentioned above, developing a healthy level of self-esteem can be beneficial for your overall well-being as well as your dating life, and research has shown online therapy to be effective at improving self-esteem.

Plus, dating can be draining and, at times, heartbreaking. If you are feeling low energy or low mood, you may find online therapy to be a convenient option, as you can meet with your therapist wherever you have internet, including the comfort of home. 

Takeaway

If you’ve decided that you want something more serious than what you’re finding in the casual dating scene, you can consider trying some of the tips detailed here, such as dating different types of people, learning to become happier on your own, and seeking help through therapy. If you’d like support through therapy, you can meet with an online therapist wherever you have internet.