How To Navigate The World Of Modern Dating

Finding a significant other used to be quite simple. You would meet someone at work or a local hangout, go on a few dates and decide whether to make it official or not. These days, dating is very stressful. The rapid advancement of technology means that these days, many people are meeting online, dating multiple people at once, and using social media as a way to keep track of each other. Never has it been easier to obsess over every text message, stalk someone on Instagram, and browse through photos of one's exes.

Dating in the modern world is a completely different style of courtship that calls for radically different rules. So, how does one navigate this new terrain with as few emotional bruises as possible?

The modern world of dating

Dating in today’s world has gone online. Aziz Ansari, actor and author of Modern Romance, once quipped: “Today, if you own a smartphone, you’re carrying a 24-7 singles bar in your pocket.”

With many dating applications and websites available to those looking for love, meeting someone from a completely different age bracket, socioeconomic class, culture, and even country has never been easier. There are many positives to this: the possibilities of meeting new people have exploded, and the options are, sometimes literally, never-ending. It can be fun and exciting to go on several dates in a week (or in a night) with different people, all at the touch of a button. Several studies have also found that online intimacy can positively impact emotional well-being and lead to increased feelings of self-esteem and self-efficacy.

However, there are plenty of downfalls and risks too. One study has found that dating applications are associated with having more unprotected intercourse and riskier sexual encounters in general. More options mean more flakiness, with people showing little regard for how they balance multiple romantic interests at once, which can lead to "ghosting," as explained below. Having a plethora of options to choose from leads to the thinking that if someone doesn’t meet up to their ideal, then it’s no big deal—another date is just a swipe away. Says Eric Resnick, the founder of ProfileHelper.com, “[Swipe apps] have trained the newest generation of single adults to look at online dating as more of a video game than as a viable way to make a real connection.”

As much as we all want to find a significant other, the venture to find that person is often filled with disappointment. We are increasingly idealizing people and projecting ourselves onto our screens, which inevitably results in disillusionment and frustration in real life. Add on rejection, dating fatigue, and horrifying first-date stories, and dating in today’s world can take a toll on a person and makes it progressively difficult to stay positive and open-minded. This is especially true for those who struggle with low self-esteem.

Although dating can and has been proven to chip away at your emotional well-being, there is hope. Many people have found their significant others through online dating, and plenty have happily gone on to marry and have children. According to the Statistic Brain Research Institute, 1 in 6 marriages begin online.

Modern dating language

With a new way of dating comes a new dating language. Here are just some examples:

Ghosting. Disappearing from a person’s life without a word.

Benching. Keeping someone on the sideline by sending sporadic messages or by popping up on their social media. This is also known as breadcrumbing.

Swipe left. Dismissing someone romantically before giving them a chance.

Throning. Investing in the reputation and appearance of your relationship on social media rather than in the relationship itself.

Simmering. Reducing the amount of communication and dates with another person.

Peacocking. Showing off your most attractive skills and abilities upfront.

Catch and release. Winning someone over and then releasing them as part of "the chase."

Micro-cheating. Texting other romantic interests on the side, like an ex, without the other person knowing.

The paradox of choice

One of the biggest challenges we face in modern dating is the amount of choice we have at our fingertips. This may look like an upside on the surface, but research has shown just how paralyzing this can be. Just like being at a loss when there are too many ice-cream flavors to choose from, deciding who to date and when can be just as overwhelming. That is the paradox of choice.

Psychologist Barry Schwartz believes that having too many options can result in increased levels of anxiety and depression. Rather than being exciting, an abundance of choices may end up feeling debilitating and may result in less commitment and more anxiety about courtship.

Author and CEO of Plum Dating, Jenna Birch, resonates with this, saying: “This often leaves people second-guessing themselves and wondering if they could have done better.”

When we feel doubt, rather than communicating that with the other person, we dismiss them as quickly and easily as another right swipe on our smartphones. This comes as no surprise with such behaviors such as "ghosting" and "simmering" on the rise.

While there is a need for more respect and dignity in the world of modern dating, it has given people the courage to venture out to find someone they connect with. Ansari also says, “Finding someone today is probably more complicated and stressful than it was for the previous generations, but you’re also more likely to end up with someone you are excited about.”

How to navigate in the world of modern dating

It takes a certain amount of courage to navigate the chaos and uncertainty of the modern dating world. Here are some tips for doing so with as few headaches and heartaches as possible and without damaging your emotional well-being:

Be intentional about how you meet people

It’s all well and good to use dating apps that facilitate hookups if you are looking for something casual. However, if you are looking for a stable or long-term relationship, consider how you are meeting potential dates. If you want to meet someone with the same religious background as you, socialize more at church. Get to know people at your yoga class. Ask people if they know anyone who would be a good fit for you. Looking for a date in the right places will give you a higher chance of meeting someone you connect—and see a future—with.

Don’t be too fussy

It’s good to have high standards, but not when they close us to opportunities to meet new people. Sometimes, the people we don’t usually go for turn out to the most surprising and interesting, as long as we keep an open mind and step out of our comfort zone. And while attraction is an important factor, don’t brush people off on appearances alone before getting to know them. Steer away from the idea of dating potential—the "they would be perfect only if…" mentality. Create space for another person to be exactly who they are; you will have a more relaxed and enjoyable date because of it.

Take your time

Because of today’s dating world’s vast and dizzying options, people are now taking their time to find the right person. This has its pros and cons, but it means that it’s OK not to rush into any serious, long-term commitment. A report on relationships found that U.S. couples aged 25 to 34 knew their partner for an average of six and a half years before marrying. Don’t pressure yourself or another person to be in any commitment before you are both ready; take your time and allow things to unfold as it goes.

Don’t spend too much time on your screen

Our dependence on technology can harm our connection and conversation skills with people in real life. Rather than meeting up soon after online chemistry has been made, people are mulling over carefully worded, emoji-laden texts over days and sometimes even weeks. It’s important to establish common ground before meeting up, but waiting too long can build up expectations that may lead to disappointment and disillusionment. Even so, if the date doesn’t turn out how you expect it to, don’t be attached to the outcomes—dating is meant to be fun and enjoyable.

Be upfront about what you are looking for

To save a lot of time and confusion, let the other person know what you are looking for upfront. It can be an awkward experience finding out during a date that the other person is looking for a fling when you are looking for a stable relationship. According to eHarmony, 60% of American female users on Tinder are looking for a match, not a hookup. If you’re not exactly clear on what it is you want, perhaps due to past relationship trauma, it’s worth taking the time to explore that with the help of a licensed therapist.

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

They can help you develop a deeper understanding of yourself, increase awareness of your dating patterns, and encourage you to get clear on what you want (and don’t want) in a partner and relationship.

Treat others with respect

This adage is relevant, especially when dating: treat others how you would like to be treated. No one wants to be led on or ghosted. Make sure you do the respectful, considerate thing by texting people back, even if it is to say that you are not interested in dating them anymore. This is as easy as messaging, “It was nice getting to know you, but the chemistry wasn’t quite right for me. Take care and best of luck.” Often, being honest is the kindest thing you can do, even if it may feel awkward and uncomfortable at times. Moreover, when you respect others, you are more likely to get that respect back.

Reconsider the idea of “the soulmate”

We can cause ourselves much pain and disillusionment when we hold onto the idea of the perfect partner. Such a person likely doesn't exist, and they certainly don’t fall into our laps from the heavens. We can date with more ease when we realize that deciding to be with someone, even after seeing their good, bad, and ugly sides, is a choice that we consciously make every day. 

Treat every date as a learning experience

While it’s normal to feel upset or dejected while dating, don’t get too hung up if you have a horrible or embarrassing date. Instead, see those dates as an opportunity to learn more about yourself and what you want (and don’t want) in a relationship. We tend to get so caught up in what another person can bring to the table that we forget the many wonderful qualities we can add to someone else’s life. It’s just about finding the right person who can and is willing to appreciate them.

Navigate modern dating in online therapy

If you're unsure about how to face modern dating, you may want to consider visiting Regain. Regain is an online therapy platform dedicated to helping people work on their relationships. Online therapy has been proven effective for dealing with all types of issues people may experience with dating and relationships. No matter where you live, you can seek out help online.

Regain can match you with a licensed therapist, then you can meet with that therapist at a time that works best with your schedule. You can meet alone or with a partner—all from the comfort of home.

Takeaway

Dating today is complex and finding love even more so; it is an unpredictable and ambiguous landscape and full of pitfalls. However, dating can be enjoyable and a lot of fun, depending on how you approach it. As the old saying goes, the only way out is through, and if you are to find love, you need to brave the deeper waters. Take your time, stick to your values, and keep a positive and open attitude—you’ll be dating like a pro in no time.