I Can’t Get Over Her – How Can I Move On?
Moving on with your life can be challenging if you recently split up with a girlfriend or another woman you loved. It's normal for people to experience profound sadness when things like this happen, so you're not alone if you're having a difficult time.
These feelings are a natural part of the healing process. It might not feel like it, but you'll start feeling better as time passes.
This guide features advice on how to get over a breakup and move on to the next chapter of your love life, with tips ranging from cutting ties to trying online therapy.
Stop talking to her
It might seem rude to stop talking to someone, but this is often a healthy decision if you can't get over your ex and she's still a part of your life. Some people can remain friends with their former lovers, but this doesn't work for everyone. Research shows that contact with an ex-partner after separation is associated with psychological distress.
You might explain to your ex that you need to work on yourself to move on – there's no shame in admitting you need to heal after being hurt. Your ex will likely understand, but if not, it's almost always best to do what's healthiest for yourself.
Get rid of things that remind you of her
Another thing that might help get your ex off your mind is getting rid of things that remind you of her. For example, you might own a blanket you used to cuddle under together, and you might think of her every time you see this particular blanket. Is it worth keeping if it's dredging up painful memories? Probably not.
Don't hesitate to throw things out or donate them to a second-hand store. This approach might seem extreme to some, but it may help if you're struggling to get over your ex.
Don’t live in the past
Many people who remain stuck on a past relationship keep thinking about how things ended. You might be trying to analyze things, wondering where things went wrong or if you could have done better to make her happy. But many therapeutic methods – like dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) – focus on living in the present to help get through grief.
If moving out of this thought pattern feels too challenging, you might ask a therapist for help. A mental health professional can help you stop agonizing over what went wrong with your last relationship so you can accept and let go of the past. And if you're feeling too down to leave the house for mental health treatment, online therapy is an excellent option. It's as effective as in-person therapy while offering greater convenience and lower financial demands in most cases.
Work on personal goals
You might have lost track of your personal goals due to heartache. But refocusing your attention on these personal goals can help you move on. For example, you may start exercising regularly and clean up your diet to improve your self-confidence and give yourself something else to think about.
Other goals could include getting a promotion at your job, focusing more on your hobbies, or learning a skill you've always wanted to pursue. If you need help deciding what to focus on, consider reviewing old journals, lists, or possessions to remind yourself what you liked to do before your relationship.
Spend time with friends or family
Your friends and family have the potential to help you get over your ex. Going out with those close to you and doing fun things can help you start socializing again. You might have lost touch with some of these people while dating your ex, which is common in many relationships.
Reconnecting with good people who care about you can help move your thoughts away from your ex while you build a support network. Look for opportunities to do fun things with people who make you happy. For example, you could see your favorite band in concert, play a game of basketball, or go out to dinner with family. It usually doesn't matter what you do as long as it's a healthy activity that makes you feel better.
Start meeting new people
Meeting new people and dating again is often a helpful way to get over an ex. It's usually best to save this until you've made some progress getting over your ex. But you'll likely find someone you'd like to take on a date or two if you open yourself up to the possibility.
You can meet new girls at places where you might hang out instead of using dating apps. Research suggests that, while dating apps are helpful for some people, others find them harmful to their mental health.
Many people meet relationship prospects at concerts, grocery stores, the gym, or church services. Local singles groups might also be worth checking out. Try to talk to girls who catch your eye while you're out, and you might get an opportunity to get to know them better and initiate conversations to see if you hit it off.
If this feels like an overwhelming step, it may be best to wait until you've made more progress getting over your ex. Speaking with a mental health professional can help you decide when to date again. Your therapist can help you assess your mental state and use methods like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to manage your emotions and overcome things like anxiety or depression. And if you prefer internet-based treatment, research shows that online CBT can be helpful for a range of distressing emotions.
Online therapy can help you get over an ex
Getting rid of things that remind you of your ex, focusing on the present, working on personal goals, and spending time with loved ones can help you get over your ex and feel ready to date again. And if you need help implementing these steps, or if they're not working, speaking with a mental health professional might help you accept and move past lingering emotions.
Regain is an online therapy platform with professionals specializing in helping people with relationship challenges. We offer individual therapy, and our counselors are available to start listening and helping you with any challenges, including depression, anxiety, or heartache. We'll match you with a licensed therapist based on your needs and preferences, and you can connect through your computer, tablet, or smartphone.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
What does it mean when you can’t get over someone?
Feeling like you can’t get over someone could be attributed to a lot of different things. First, know that feeling like you can’t get over someone right now doesn’t mean that you’ll feel that way forever, even if a long time has passed since the breakup. Don’t judge yourself for the length of time that’s passed or for being upset or angry; let yourself have that experience in its fullest capacity. If you can’t get over someone and aren’t sure why, consider the feelings that are coming up for you right now. Did the breakup bring up feelings of rejection? If you were in a long-term relationship, do you feel that the distribution of your belongings post-breakup was unfair? Are there wounds affiliated with the relationship such as pain related to cheating, abuse, or manipulation? If your partner lied to you or used emotional abuse tactics on you, you might find yourself reflecting and noticing new things about the patterns that occurred in your relationship daily. As the saying goes, hindsight is 2020 vision. You might piece things together for years to come, and even if you actually are over someone, it’s likely to bring emotion to the surface for you regardless due to the nature of what you endured. Alternatively, the situation could be that you’re the one who did something you’re not proud of, and you could feel like you can’t get over someone because of your regret.
Why is it so hard to get over her?
In addition to looking at the feelings the relationship’s end brought up for you, it could be helpful to ask yourself if this is less about the person you were with and more about the changes that occurred in your life as a result of the breakup. Maybe, you had to move to a new home, or even a new geographical location, after the breakup. Likely, you got used to the routine you had with this person. You might find yourself in what feels like a new life that has a ton of empty space and wonder what to do. When you’re in that place, it’s hard to picture yourself finding happiness or to realize that, actually, this life can be just as great if not better than life was during your relationship. Over time, you will develop a new routine, meet new people, and engage in new activities. That’s why taking time to focus on yourself is so important right now. Spend time looking at who you are as an individual. What does that person want to do? What do they like about themselves? Are there behaviors they’d like to change? Are there activities you’ve always wanted to participate in that you’ve never gotten to do? Is there a career milestone you’re looking forward to or striving for? Not only will this give you a stronger sense of self, but you’ll be able to bring a more knowledgeable and renewed version of yourself into the next relationship.
How do you get over an ex you still love?
To get over an ex you still love, it can be helpful to look at the things that you didn’t like in the partnership. This might sound strange, but idealizing your ex-partner is one thing that might keep you stuck. It’s easy to look through the past with rose-colored glasses, but the truth is that there were likely things going on that you didn’t like about the person you were with or the dynamic you had. What didn’t you like? What didn’t work out? Be honest with yourself.
Think about what you want in terms of finding happiness and who you want to be as a person. Additionally, remember that your actions make a difference, and that while you can learn from your past, you need to work through the wounds affiliated with your past relationships. When you meet new people, don’t compare them to your ex or let your past experiences influence your ability to have a good relationship moving forward. Work on finding happiness instead of saying, “things don’t work out for me,” or, “all of my relationships will fail.” Don’t let yourself fall into the trap of never-ending misery. If you assume that things will go poorly from the get-go, they likely will.
Why is it so hard for me to get over someone?
Most related questions pertaining to this topic all require a preface; if you’re struggling to get over someone, it’s not your fault. It’s normal and natural. If you were involved in an invested relationship with someone, you got used to being around them. You got used to their emotional presence as well as their physical presence. You got used to their habits and the role that this person played in your day. It’s hard to navigate this change while facing the strong emotions affiliated with a breakup, so cut yourself some slack. Acknowledge your feelings without judging them. If you’re sad, that’s okay. Let yourself feel sadness and say to yourself, “what I’m going through is hard.” Don’t compare your struggles to someone else’s; if this breakup is hard for you, acknowledge and validate that as a fact. Give yourself adequate grieving time, and know that grieving time will vary from person to person when a relationship ends. Don’t rush the process. Once you’ve acknowledged your feelings and have allowed yourself to sit with them, realize that you can only control your actions moving forward.
Think about what you can do to be the best person you can be. You might not be able to get your ex back, but what you can do is be a person you’re proud of. There’s a lot of power in realizing that you get to write your own story when it comes to how you deal with the cards you’re handed in life, so be authentic, and be the best person you can be. If someone took advantage of your kindness in this relationship, don’t let it stop you from being kind in the future. Projecting hurt from this relationship onto new relationships could damage them before they start. Talk to someone, whether that’s a counselor or a loved one, and make an effort to disengage from your ex via social media and direct communication so that you have the space you need to grow and rebuild.
Can you stop loving someone if you truly loved them?
It is entirely possible to stop loving someone that you experienced true love with. People change, and it’s not always for the better. You might’ve loved one version of this person, but it’s essential to acknowledge that the person you remember might’ve changed. Change is natural, and it’s not an inherently bad thing; often, it’s positive. Regardless, you and your ex might not actually mesh now, and even if you think you would, if they don’t want to be with you, the truth is that things would be tumultuous. You don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you, as much as you think you do. You deserve love and affection.
Think about what you want in a new relationship. Your ex, or the reality of who they are as a person now, might not even be close to what you want. Maybe, you want someone emotionally available, and they aren’t. Maybe, you’re ready to settle down, and they aren’t. Would they be able to reciprocate your affection in the way that you need? Say that there’s a rare case where your ex checks all of the boxes; you can still go about finding happiness and know that a new relationship could check all of the boxes, too. Who knows? Maybe, the best is yet to come.
Is it possible to never get over someone?
Most people get over their previous relationships over time, at least to some degree. You might always think of this person and wonder how they’re doing from time to time, but you can ultimately heal and move on. It’s normal for depression anxiety or negative emotions to come when you’re grieving a relationship that ended, but they don’t have to take over your life completely or stop you from finding happiness in the future. This part of your life will be hard, so don’t pressure yourself to make the pain go away as fast as you can. Let yourself feel your emotions, and if they take the forefront at first, know that that’s natural and okay. Letting yourself feel whatever you’re feeling is the first step to getting over someone. If you feel stuck or can’t see yourself finding happiness in the future, talking to a licensed mental health provider can help. Finding happiness is possible, and sometimes, working through roadblocks with someone who cares and can see outside of the situation is what will break a person out of a cycle where they feel like they can’t get over a person or situation.
Can someone leave you if they love you?
Someone can leave you despite loving you. Say that during your breakup, your ex said that they love you but aren’t in a place to be in a relationship. That’s one of the reasons someone might leave despite loving you. Another reason that someone might leave even if they love you is that the relationship was toxic for them. Was there infidelity or emotional abuse? Did you argue often? Yet another possibility is that you were not a good match fundamentally. Did you want different things? For example, did you want kids even though they didn’t? Leaving a relationship isn’t selfish. Breaking up is tough, but people don’t always have the same needs or desires, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean that you can’t think fondly of the good times you have together; of course, you can, and maybe someday, there won’t be pain attached to those memories anymore. You can value the experiences you had with someone and strive to move on simultaneously.
How do you let someone go emotionally?
The most crucial part of letting someone go emotionally is often to get them out of your life completely. It may be tempting to continue to follow someone’s social media and stay up-to-date with how they’re doing, but it might be holding you back from letting your ex go emotionally. It’s time to stop checking up on their social media accounts. If you and your ex tried to build a friendship right after the breakup and haven’t spent time away from each other, it might be what’s keeping you stagnant. If that’s the case, communicate that you care about them but need the space to heal and stop talking to them. Whether you still talk to your ex or simply look at their social media without saying a word, anything that keeps your ex in your peripheral can keep you stuck emotionally. As hard as it is, and as much you want them to be a part of your life, it’s time to explore life and learn about yourself.
Take all of this one day at a time, and when things get tough, remember that you must let yourself process emotions. Giving yourself permission to be angry and feel everything you’re feeling might be uncomfortable, but it’s unavoidable. How vital it is to let yourself feel everything you’re feeling is often overlooked. Studies show that avoiding or bottling up your emotions can have physical and emotional health detriments. If you’re having trouble letting go of someone emotionally and aren’t sure what to do, it’s time to seek professional support. You can move on, and support can help.
Why can’t I move on?
You know it’s time to move on, but you can’t seem to take the emotional leap. You’re stuck in the idea that you have a failed relationship. The healing process seems daunting to you. You want to eat ice cream and forget the hard stuff. But it’s worth it to get past the fact that your relationship ended, deal with the negative emotions and move on. The healing process will take time, but it’ll be worth it. You might not see it now, but you can find love again. Your failed relationship isn’t the end of your romantic life. Personal growth is painful, sometimes. One reason it isn’t easy to move on after your relationship ended is you feel like there’s still a chance you two will reunite. You haven’t begun the grieving process, because you hold hope that you and your girlfriend will get back together. When you think about getting back with her, you feel good. Nobody wants to be in pain, which is why break ups are so awful. They are full of negative emotions. Don’t hold hope that your ex will come back. Just because you’re ready to reconcile doesn’t mean she feels the same way. It’s hard to move on after a failed relationship, but try not to think of it as a failure. Break ups happen, and people get hurt. It may take weeks to feel better, or months, or potentially years. Once you start to move on, you can meet a new person to love. But, if you’re having trouble moving on, that’s normal. Don’t be hard on yourself if you’re hung up on your ex. It’s important to mourn the loss of after a relationship ended, rather than forcing yourself rather than pushing yourself to be a happier person. If you do that, you’re going to feel worse. Take the time that you need and talk to friends and family for support. You could also benefit from meeting with a therapist to discuss your feelings.
Why can’t I get over a girl I never dated?
If you’ve never dated a girl, you may fantasize about what could have been. Maybe this is a person you met on social media. You became friends and hoped that it would develop into a long distance relationship. Unfortunately, it never did, and that’s a sad feeling. We meet new people online all the time. Some of those individuals change your life. This woman may have impacted you in a strong way. She helped you find new sources of meaning in love. It’s easy to fall for someone who is far away. You get swept up in the fantasy. But remember, you don’t know what might have been. She seems like an amazing person, but maybe you two wouldn’t have worked in a relationship. The bottom line is that you need to work through your feelings.
How do you let go of someone you can’t be with?
It’s challenging to let go of a relationship. A failed relationship makes you have negative emotions. Friends and family try to cheer you up or set you up with another person to ease your pain. That could end up making you feel worse. If you can’t be with someone, it’s best to deal with the sadness and negative emotions you’re experiencing. But, the most important thing to do is accept that your relationship isn’t working. For whatever reason, you cannot be with that individual. You can pretend it doesn’t hurt, but there’s pain there. There are many reasons that you can’t be with someone. It could be incompatible values; they cheated on you or pushed you out of your comfort zone in a bad way. The bottom line is to accept that you’re not with that person. You can grieve that you’ve lost a connection, and move forward. Positive psychology is another way to cope with this. When you look at something in a helpful way, you can reframe the loss of the relationship. You’ve lost a person you loved, and it could feel like a failed relationship, but consider that you will find someone better for you. The bottom line is that you will be a happier person when you accept you cannot be with someone.
How do you let go of someone who doesn’t want you?
If someone doesn’t want to be with you, it’s crucial to accept their wishes. If you don’t do that, you will feel worse about yourself. It hurts a person’s self-esteem to be rejected. The bottom line is you can’t change how someone feels. So, how to let go of someone who doesn't want you? It’s best to accept that the person isn’t for you and move forward.
Why do I not want my ex to be happy?
If you don’t want your ex to be happy, it’s because you’re probably angry and hurt. It’s easy to be angry at your ex. It’s scary to think these feelings won’t end. What if you don’t get through these emotions? You feel like you’re never going to get over there, and those thoughts and feelings are valid. However, everyone deserves the chance to be happy. It could change your life to start thinking that way Just because you have thoughts and feelings that you want your ex to suffer doesn’t make you a bad person, it means that you’re upset about the relationship coming to an end. You feel like you’re going to lose it if you see them with someone else. According to research published in the Journal of Positive Psychology, it takes 11 weeks after experiencing a breakup to feel relief. After almost three months, 71 percent of people were able to view their relationship in a positive light. The research published in the Journal of Positive Psychology is clear. There’s hope that people can get through the breakup phase. You will start to feel back in your comfort zone. You will notice the light at the end of the tunnel.
Why is it so hard for me to move on?
It’s hard to move on because you’re not in your comfort zone. When you’re used to being in a relationship, it’s a warm feeling. Then after a breakup, you’re pushed out of that comfort zone. You don’t know how to cope. You want to hang on to old memories and preserve what is lost. It’s not easy. You’re worried that you’re never going to find someone who loves you like your ex. Your comfort zone is being challenged. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable. Sometimes breakups push us out of a comfort zone and help us to evolve as people. After you get through the initial heartbreak, you will get back to a new comfort zone. You’ll feel like you can be in a deeper, richer connection. Once you let go of the past new love is possible.
References:
Ignoring Your Emotions Is Bad for Your Health. Here’s What to Do About It
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