Should You Get Involved With A Serial Dater?

Finding someone you’re interested in romantically can be exciting, but sometimes it may be best to take a step back to consider things before getting involved. This may be the case if you are actively looking for a serious, committed relationship and you meet someone who might be considered a “serial dater.” If you know that this person usually dates people for short periods of time and moves on, you might be worried that they could do the same with you, and that you two might not be a good match. What exactly does it mean for someone to be a serial dater, and how can you determine if it might make sense to pursue things with them? Let’s talk about what serial dating is and how you can assess the situation for yourself.

What is a serial dater?

Someone who is a serial dater is generally going to date a large number of people for short amounts of time. They might be really into getting to know other people and have a nice time for the first two or three dates with a new romantic interest. After this point, though, they may be likely to move on and look for someone new to ask out. In some cases, one way to describe it could be to say that a serial dater chases new relationship energy—the enjoyment one feels when forming a new connection with a romantic partner—and is unlikely to commit because of this.

This can bring about difficult situations if the person is leading someone else on throughout their dates, though that is not always their intention. There are a lot of reasons why one might have a pattern of serial dating, ranging from attachment style to prior relationships to the boost of self-esteem that dating can bring. However, the hurt can come if the person they are seeing feels like they are blindsided by the serial dater’s sudden loss of interest in dating further.

If you are honest about expectations and are looking for a short-term relationship, this might be perfectly acceptable. But someone who wants something serious can end up disappointed. Serial dating isn't inherently problematic, as long as the two people understand and communicate expectations. It can be frustrating, though, if those expectations aren’t expressed and aligned. If you are looking for a serious, committed relationship, then dating someone who only wants something casual may not be the best idea. 

Should I date a “serial dater”?

When assessing if you would like to date someone, it can be much more useful to look at this person as an individual and consider their behavior, rather than applying a label and making assumptions. Rather than dismissing someone as a “serial dater,” you can look at their actions and who they are and see if those line up with you and what you want. After all, someone’s dating history isn’t the only factor at play when you’re trying to decide if you want to be with someone. 

So, as you consider if you’d like to date this person, you may find it helpful to ask yourself questions like the following: 

• Do we enjoy spending time together? 
• Are we able to communicate well with each other? 
• Have we talked about where this connection is headed? 
• Have they been honest about how they approach dating and what they’re looking for? 
• Are they open to the idea of a serious relationship, if that is what I’m looking for? 
• Are they aligned with my values and what I find important? 

These are just a few examples of the kinds of questions you can consider, but figuring out whether you want to date someone is ultimately up to you. You can assess your feelings and your wants out of the relationship, and how those align with this other person’s. If you are only looking for a serious, committed relationship, and that is not something they want now or envision wanting in the near future, continuing to date may lead to hurt and frustration. On the other hand, if they have been serially dating in the past but are now open to the idea of a relationship and feel excited about how things are going with you, you may decide that continuing to date feels right.

Tips for making it work with a serial dater

Let's say that you have decided to start dating someone who could be considered a serial dater, and you want things to work out long-term. If this is the case for you, you can consider some of the tips below:

1. Get to know them on a deeper level

As mentioned earlier, it can be important to try to get to know this person as an individual, rather than making assumptions on whether or not things will work based on their dating history. So, try to get to know who they really are beyond the surface level. You can ask about their interests, goals, dreams, past experiences, and a whole array of other things about them besides their dating history. As you connect more deeply, this may help you get a better sense of whether or not you two are actually compatible. 

2. Be clear about your wants and expectations

Setting out expectations early on in a relationship can be very important. This also rings true when you're just getting to know someone and going on initial dates. If you are certain that you are only looking for a serious, committed relationship, you can mention that early on, and ask them what their thoughts are on the subject. Also, if you are feeling very concerned about being on the same page, you can address that directly and express your concerns regarding serial dating. They might end up letting you know that they are not interested in continuing to casually date and they want to find something serious; or, they might let you know that you are on different pages, in which case, it may not make sense to continue further 

3. Trust your gut

Missing out on a great potential partner can be a shame, and this could go both ways. Giving someone a chance who has been a serial dater in the past might work out beautifully; you two may ultimately be very compatible, and if they’re open to it, they may come around to wanting a committed and long-term relationship. On the flip side, it is also possible that you could miss out on someone else by focusing on a person who isn’t ready to commit. It can be really hard to tell either way, so sometimes, it may help to listen to your gut and what feels right for you. If this feels like a very promising connection and you want to give it a chance, then going for it might feel great; if, however, you’re already feeling uneasy about this person and constantly doubting if it’s a good idea, you may want to reconsider. 

4. Consider online couples therapy

Navigating dating challenges and the early concerns in a relationship can be complicated, but you don’t have to go it alone. If you would like support as an individual with dating concerns, or support as a couple in your new relationship, online therapy can help. Research has found online couples therapy to be effective in improving relationship confidence, relationship satisfaction, and various aspects of individual functioning. 

But for many people, such as those with a busy dating life, therapy may feel difficult to make time for. With online therapy, you can meet with your therapist from wherever you have an internet connection, which may make it easier to fit into busy schedules, as there’s no need for a commute. 

Takeaway

A serial dater may have a tendency to date different people for short amounts of time. If you are actively looking for a serious, committed relationship, you may have concerns about whether dating a serial dater could work. If this is something you’re experiencing, you can consider some of the advice and tips detailed above. For additional support with dating and relationship concerns, you can meet with a licensed therapist online for help.