What To Do When You're Feeling Unwanted In A Relationship

If you are feeling unwanted in a relationship, you are not alone. Feeling unwanted or unloved in a romantic relationship is, unfortunately, very common. Whether or not this feeling is caused by intentional actions, feeling unwanted in your marriage can hurt, particularly when feeling unwanted occurs in tandem with feeling unloved, as well.

No matter how discourage you are or may feel unworthy right now, there are ways to help you feel wanted in your relationship again. However, to do this, you and your partner both will have to put in effort to change your habits and improve your connection (and, likely, your communication).

There are many reasons why people may start feeling unappreciated and unwanted by their significant other. Below are just a few common reasons people may feel unwanted in their relationships. If your reason is not below, keep in mind that this is not an exhausting list and you are not alone in your situation, and there are still many things you can do to reach happiness in your relationship again.

Getting stonewalled

Has your partner shut down and stopped talking to you, especially during an argument? This is what is considered "stonewalling." According to Dr. John Gottman, a world-renowned psychologist, individuals may stonewall during conflict of relationships, but men tend to do it more frequently at 85% of the time. During arguments, men, in particular, are more likely to shut down and stop responding to their partner. While this feels as if they are uninterested and don't care, they may just need some time to gather their thoughts or don’t want to say something that they may regret.

A lack of effort from your partner

Does it seem your partner has been too caught up with work or hasn't been showing an interest in your relationship? When romantic partners start to show a lack of interest and effort in their relationship, it can cause a lot of emotional pain for a partner. However, people may go through seasons of high stress and sometimes detach themselves from others, and it isn’t personal. No matter how personal your partner's lack of effort seems, keep in mind it probably isn't because of you.

No interest in sex and rejecting intimacy

Another common reason people may feel unwanted in relationships is because of a lack of intimacy. If your romantic life and level of affection has decreased from how it normally is in your relationship, it may leave you feeling unwanted, and it may cause a great deal of emotional pain. It may also feel incredibly personal when you feel the person you love most does not want to be intimate with you.

Showing a lack of interest in sex and intimacy in relationships can happen for many reasons that may have nothing to do with a lack of attraction. One reason for a lack of interest in physical intimacy could be a possible hormonal imbalance in your partner. For women, menopause can be a large factor in causing hormone imbalances resulting in low libido, which causes them to not be as interested in physical intimacy.

For men, having low testosterone levels can also contribute to a lower sex drive. Some other common reasons for being uninterested in physical intimacy in all genders are depression, medication side effects, and even stress. If you think your partner is dealing with one of these causes, it may be helpful to speak to them openly about it and offer support so that together, you can work on ways to improve your relationship or any personal concerns you may have that may be affecting your relationship. 

You just had a baby

Starting a family is often a major milestone in one’s life and having a baby may have a large impact on the relationship. With a newborn baby around, parents may be stressed, exhausted, and even anxious. According to research, 67% of new parents experience a drop in satisfaction with their relationship in the first three years of their baby's life. If you and your partner just brought a baby into the world, that could be the potential cause of you feeling unwanted. It is no longer just the two of you. Your partner's focus, which may have originally been primarily on you, may now be on the baby. This may create a disconnect in your romantic relationship.

What to do when you’re feeling unwanted

The actions that you take to help improve your relationship may ultimately depend on your partner and your situation. If you know the root cause of your significant other's change in behavior, try to be aware and sensitive to it. There are things you may be able to do that can help improve your connection and your relationship.

Schedule a date or quality time together

Going out on dates may benefit couples who are trying to get their "spark" back and reconnect. Often, people feel unwanted in a relationship once their significant other stops initiating quality time. This may be especially common for couples who have high-pressure jobs or have a new baby. If you feel this is the case for your relationship, try to schedule a date with your loved one.

On your dates, it may be helpful to make a "no phone" rule, so you and your partner are not distracted by your devices and are living in the present moment. It may help to try to ask your partner about the things they care about to initiate a great conversation. If you can't find a babysitter or don't have the budget to go out, you can still have a great date at home. You can make dinner and watch your favorite movie to spend great quality time together.

Express your feelings to your partner

Expressing how you feel to your partner can be very important for the health of your relationship. Bottling your feelings up and just hoping your partner realizes how you feel is usually not very effective or healthy. You may want to try to tell your partner specific instances of how they have made you feel unwanted to help them understand. Just stating, "You have been making me feel unwanted lately," may not very helpful for your partner, so it can be beneficial to be clear with them.

Try using “I” statements rather than “you” statements, as the latter can feel like a sort of attack or pointing fingers. For example, the previous statement could be reworded as, “Lately, I have been feeling unwanted and want to talk about this with you.” You can also ask them how they have been feeling. This lessens anyone feeling as though they are being blamed or put on the spot and opens it up for both partners to communicate their feelings and possible solutions.

When telling your partner how you feel, try to stay calm, and practice active listening. If they begin to get defensive, let them know you are wanting to improve your relationship and are not trying to create conflict with them. Try to be understanding and positive when discussing your partner's actions with them. It may also help to be self-reflective to become aware of any role you may have had that may be contributing to these relationship issues. Open and honest communication is incredibly important in any relationship.

Put yourself in your partner’s shoes

If you know your partner just went through something traumatic or stressful in their life, it may help to try to be sensitive to that. They may be having difficulties working through their feelings and just aren't prioritizing your relationship at the current moment. It may be easy to resent your partner when they don't prioritize you, so it may help to prevent yourself from falling into negative thought patterns. It can be beneficial to support them and comfort them during these stressful times.

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

Be patient with your partner

It is often important to be patient with your partner. If your partner has been in the habit of being distant or acting uninterested, it may take them some time to change. You may have to find joy in the little things for some time while you are waiting for them to work through things and potentially change their behavior. So, try to notice their efforts, big or small.

Your partner may not respond as positively to your efforts as you hope. It is easy to feel discouraged when your significant other doesn't seem to care about how you are feeling. If this happens, there is still hope. You have more options for going about healing your relationship and fixing its problems. Remember, they very likely do care about how you feel, but may have circumstances such as stress, grief, depression, and so on that make it difficult for them to be able to devote much energy to feelings outside of these things. Again, patience and communication are key.

Consider relationship counseling

If the above methods are ineffective, and you still feel unwanted in your relationship, consider going to relationship counseling. Research shows couples experience, on average, six years of marital issues before seeking help from a professional. If you feel unwanted in a relationship, don’t be afraid to seek help from a professional counselor.

Couples counselors may help their patients get to the root cause of their problems in their relationship. This may help the partners understand each other and how they are feeling. They may also give their clients many tools, resources, and options to help their marriage get back on track. It may be intimidating to seek help from a third-party, but the benefits of relationship counseling are well worth it.

Takeaway

Feeling unwanted in a relationship can make you feel isolated and hopeless. Understand that you are not alone, and most couples face these feelings at least once in their relationship. There are many options and methods you can take to reach happiness in your relationship again.

If you want to improve your relationship, a professional relationship therapist may be able to help. Regain is an online therapy platform specializing in couple’s therapy. You can meet with a licensed counselor through video chat, text messaging, or phone calls at a cost that is, on average, more affordable than traditional therapy. Your mental health is important, so reach out to improve your mental health today.