Why Am I So Hard On Myself?

Some people are naturally hard on themselves. They might have low self-esteem or grow up in an environment where criticism came often, and praise was rarely heard. Other times there are psychological or mental health conditions that lead to a person being hard on themselves or a disorder that makes them have a lack of confidence. Determining why you are hard on yourself can sometimes be found through self-exploration, and other times seeing a therapist may help you to find the root of your lack of self-assurance.

Psychological Reasons For Being Hard On Yourself

There are social psychology reasons for why some people may be hard on themselves more than others. Low self-esteem, which is a common cause, is not always the reason for being hard on yourself.

People who are hard on themselves often have a deep-rooted need for affect, which should not be confused with needing affection. These people find that any emotion, even sadness, can be a pleasing experience. On the flip side, these same people tend to feel anxiety often, even during everyday occurrences.

Disorders That Can Lead To Being Hard On Yourself

Eating disorders can often lead to one being hard on themselves. When people have eating disorders, they are often struggling with their body and self-image. They typically want to achieve what they feel is the perfect body, and often it results in extreme measures. Those with eating disorders may have a challenging time finding something good about themselves. They often struggle daily with their looks and feeling good about themselves.

What is overthinking? Overthinking is a form of mental disorder causing people to be hard on themselves. People with an overthinking disorder, or anxiety disorder, excessively think about their fears and stressors. They may worry about nearly every aspect of their life and have a difficult time moving forward.

If you have struggled with an overthinking or anxiety disorder, you may benefit from working with a licensed therapist online. Research shows that online therapy can help those living with anxiety or similar mental health conditions find meaning in life and eliminate extraneous distractions. One study stated that online platforms are effective in treating anxiety, noting specifically the benefits of online cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). The study also outlines several advantages of online therapy over in-person counseling, including anonymity, lower cost, and accessibility.

How Can I Stop Being Hard On Myself?

Feelings are easy to confuse when you are at a heightened state of emotion. For example, excitement and fear can resemble one another. Depending on how you deal with emotions, it can be a positive or negative experience. It is often the individual person that defines the feelings and determines if they will make the situation a good one or a poor one.

Science and sociology tell us that a person’s gender, ethnicity, and socioeconomic status play roles in how we manage our emotions. Those who recognize their situation and their feelings are less likely to respond to negative stressors. On the other hand, people who do not necessarily accept their position let their emotions take over, and they end up less confident than they should be in reality.

People who have a hard time separating their personal circumstances from their current place in the world may find it challenging to find the positives. Those who can see the “rainbow through the clouds” might be more likely to find pleasure or a positive side to every situation.

However, it is possible to learn how to stop being so hard on yourself. The first step to being easier on yourself is to try and look at a negative situation and find one positive attribute. You may need to analyze yourself from time to time, but if it’s not in a constructive way, then it may not be beneficial. Self-critiquing should not be confused with self-degrading measures. It is essential not to beat yourself up too much. If you do, it can begin to wear on you, and you may end up on negativity overdose.

Here are some specific examples of how not to criticize yourself so much:

Be Kind To Yourself For Past Mistakes

Everyone makes mistakes; it is how we deal with them that is important. Dwelling on a mistake that you made will not fix the problem. Oftentimes, it only makes things worse because now you are in a bad or depressed mood. On top of that, your other work may suffer. When you are reeling with past mistakes, it becomes difficult to put your best effort into your current assignments. It can be helpful to maintain and understand that everyone makes mistakes and try not to dwell on things that you cannot control. It happened, and it is over. It can be most helpful to move on and let go.

Be Present And Avoid Focusing On What You Have Not Accomplished Yet

Being constantly concerned about the “what-if’s” and how to accomplish a task that has been put off may not be productive. Being present in the moment, or being mindful, is an important skill to have to be happy. It is likely unhelpful to punish yourself for not getting to finish your to-do list, future project list, or budget list. You might instead focus on what you are doing right now and do it to the best of your ability. Remember to celebrate the things that you finish or your successes and then move onto the next task at hand.

Champion Your Own Ideas To Yourself And Others

Any sentence that starts with, “I know this is not a good idea, and you will probably not use it, but what if you tried …” is often a waste of breath. When you present an idea, starting it with a negative tone can tell others you do not think it is worth considering it.

Instead, you may find it beneficial to own your opinions and ideas. You are often your best advocate. Instead of telling others an idea is not suitable before they even hear it, you might use positive words to present your positions. You may notice a change in those around you and yourself. For example, the statement “I have an idea that I know will work and help take our project to the next level. This is my plan …” gets people’s attention. “I know it will work” is a positive stance and sets the tone for the rest of the content your listeners will absorb.

Forgive Yourself For Mistakes Of All Sizes

Guilt is a tremendous emotion that comes with being hard on yourself. You may work to stop feeling guilty for everything; it can help you to live a happier life.

Feeling guilty for being sick or being late to an appointment due to traffic is typically not necessary. You likely do not have control over either situation, so apologizing and feeling guilty is often unproductive.

Guilt can happen over the smallest things. You accidentally put the pen you borrowed in your purse. Now you feel guilty about stealing it. First, you likely did not intentionally steal it. You accidentally put it in your bag because you were rushing and most likely distracted. There is a reason that offices and banks have so many pens; they expect people not to return them. They are also typically branded with the company’s information. The company knows how easy it is to take a pen, and they want you to take it home and show it to others. It is part of their marketing efforts.

Feeling guilt over significant issues is also often unnecessary. Let’s say you made an accounting error at work, and the papers you presented to your boss had inaccurate information. When you find out, you might feel immense guilt for the mistake, and it could eat at you for days. However, it can be important to remember that mistakes happen, and most of the time, the documents can be fixed, and the problem resolved. Recognizing the statement, “mistakes happen,” is a mantra you can live by instead of feeling guilty if you make one.

Pay Attention To Negative Terminology And Your Tendency To See The Positives

If you find that you are frequently speaking negatively about things, you may not see the positives of a situation. Being hard on yourself includes speaking negatively and projecting your negativity onto others. For example, you went to the store, and they were out of a few items you needed. They also only had two registers open. When you get home, you complain to your family. You said how you could not believe they were out of things you specifically wanted, and the lines were so long since they only had two lanes open. You hate going shopping because this happens all the time and you wish you could just get what you need and get out quickly.

What you have implied is that shopping is horrible and a waste of time. What does this teach those around you? That they do not ever want to go to the grocery store. The next time you ask if anyone wants to go with you, everyone says “no” because they think that it is horrible from your past comments. This also can reinforce those thoughts in your own mind, making you less likely to enjoy grocery shopping in the future, no matter the circumstances.

Seeing the negative in things is often how people who are hard on themselves function. They may not see the positive side. Instead of saying, “I got nearly all of the items on my list, and I was able to pick out a few things for a different meal this week since they were out of some items. I cannot wait to try a new recipe.” or “The lines were long, so I was able to find some coupons on my phone while waiting and saved $20 on grocery shopping! Maybe we can go out for ice cream after dinner since I did not spend all our money at the grocery store today.”

These two statements take a situation that might not be pleasant and find the positives. Maybe the next time you need to go shopping, your family will want to go with you and find coupons so you can save even more money, with the hopes that they can get ice cream again.

Takeaway

When you stop being hard on yourself, you can see the best parts of life. Yes, sometimes bad things happen, but there is often a positive that can be taken from each situation. Try not to focus on what went wrong. Instead, look at the world more positively; you may start to see things that you never saw before.