Dating After Divorce: When And How To Find New Love

Going through a divorce may mark one of the most difficult times of your life. After some grieving and adjustment time, however, many people find that they are ready to date again. 

But when you’re trying to move on after your previous marriage didn’t work out, you might not know how to approach finding someone new to love. If it has been quite some time since you have dated, it can be a nerve-wracking process to navigate changes in the dating scene, expectations, and how to be emotionally and physically intimate with someone new. It is still possible to find a new love interest and to reignite the flame of romance in your life.

What to know before you start dating again after divorce

These tips and reminders may make it less stressful and intimidating to re-enter the dating pool:

Don’t rush into a new relationship

While many people want to get a fresh start on new relationships shortly after a divorce, it can quickly become overwhelming.

Some people say that when they tried dating while separated, they got even more confused. You might feel like you want to connect with someone new romantically, but your heart might not be ready yet. You may need to try to give yourself some time to process what has happened. This might allow you to feel more prepared for a new relationship instead of going into it while you’re still emotionally vulnerable.

In some instances, people might try to find someone new to date to make their ex-partner feel jealous. Even if you think this will make you feel good, it may not be the best decision. Finding a new romantic partner can be a good idea, but only if you do it for the right reasons. 

When it comes to the post-divorce healing process, everyone is different. Some people may feel ready to date again after a few months. Other people might need to take a year or more to enjoy being independent again. You may want to avoid rushing yourself or comparing your trajectory with others. It could also be detrimental to concern yourself with whether your ex-husband or ex-wife is dating again already. It’s probably a good idea to focus on yourself and healing during this time.  

Dating doesn’t have to mean sex

You might also keep in mind that divorced dating doesn’t necessarily mean you need to engage in physical intimacy right away. Becoming comfortable with someone new might take significant time. Once you meet someone nice, you might want to enjoy getting to know them for a while. Going out on dates can build emotional connections, and it doesn’t have to lead to sexual intercourse. Your relationship might become sexual later on, but it could be a good idea to take things at your own pace.

You don’t have to date exclusively

Finding the right partner can take some time, and you might not always know if you have a connection until you’ve had a few dates. You might want to consider avoiding an exclusive relationship at first, so that you can meet multiple people and keep your options open. Limiting yourself to one person at a time and getting exclusive too soon might end up being counterproductive.

Consider going out with several people casually to see if you have a connection with them. Eventually, it may become clear if you’re feeling a romantic inclination. Once you start feeling this way, you can see if they’re interested in dating exclusively, and things can progress from there.

What about my kids?

Another problem that recent divorcees may encounter is figuring out how to move on while still raising children. If you’re taking care of your kids, then bringing someone new into their lives might feel as though you’re introducing unnecessary stress and changes to their routine. You don’t want your kids to feel like you’re trying to replace their other parent. Even so, you deserve to have a partner who loves you, and you shouldn’t have to hide that once you find someone that you mesh well with.

If you start dating, you can take your time to get to know this person before introducing them to your children. Of course, it’s a good idea to ensure that anyone you get seriously involved with is comfortable with the fact that you have children. And when you eventually introduce them, be patient and understand that your kids might need some time to adjust to this new dynamic.

Your kids may still be reeling from the divorce, and this could be another reason not to jump into a relationship right away. If you have adult children, then it might be less of an issue. But regardless of the age of your children, it can be uncomfortable or stressful to introduce your new partner to your children. It may be best to wait until you know that your new partner is someone you trust who you envision a long-term future with.

Meet people organically when possible

Meeting someone to date might feel like the most intimidating part of the process. If you were married for a long time, then you might feel like dating is completely different from the last time you were single. Indeed, in the past decade or two, there have been some significant changes to how people can meet. For example, many people date using dating apps or online dating websites. These can be good ways to find people to go out on dates with, but you don’t have to go this route if it doesn’t feel like a natural fit for you.

For example, you might encounter single men or women while attending church or through other types of social groups. Meeting people at the gym or engaging in a volunteer activity might feel like a more organic way to connect. If you are interested in certain hobbies, you might meet people just by doing what you love. Music lovers could meet like-minded individuals by attending concerts or taking group music lessons, and garden enthusiasts might meet someone they’re interested in at a seed-swap event or garden shop. 

Dating apps can be good, too

If you’re serious about finding a new partner, then a dating website or app could be a fast way to meet other singles. On a dating app, you can choose to tel things like the level of commitment you’re looking for, whether you have kids, and that you’re going through a divorce. By being upfront, you might find that you quickly filter through the dating pool to find compatible partners. 

In fact, many people date this way, and some say that it’s more convenient than waiting to bump into someone.

Remember to take time for yourself

Dating after divorce can be good, but it can be easy to get lost in the excitement and distraction of an early relationship. As a recent divorcee, you might not want to jump right back into another commitment. There is nothing wrong with wanting to spread your wings to experience life from new perspectives. For this reason, you might want to take time out for yourself, even when you do start seeing someone new.

Consider taking the time to focus on your hobbies and have fun with your friends. Romance can become a part of your life rather than being something that takes it over completely. You may want to try to nurture your own interests and enjoy the new, more independent you.

Counseling can often be beneficial

Healing after going through a divorce can take time, and you might want to consider seeking professional help to process and navigate the challenges you faced. Still, the pain of divorce can make reaching out for mental health services challenging, especially in person. You may feel uncomfortable talking about your emotions in a clinical setting like a therapist’s office. Many people report feeling more at ease with these types of discussions in an online environment. Online individual or couple’s counseling through a platform like Regain can also be more convenient since you can access it from home or anywhere you have an internet connection. 

Researchers have proven the effectiveness of online counseling. In fact, a meta-analysis of studies compared outcomes experienced by individuals attending therapy sessions online and in person and found no significant variations.  The review was comprehensive, including nearly 10,000 individual cases. 

Takeaway

Dating after divorce can, at least initially, be a bit uncomfortable. Many divorcees approach the prospect with trepidation, but with a little bit of preparation you can learn to enjoy single life, dating, and your own company. Reaching out to a licensed online therapist can help you process the emotional trauma of divorce while getting in touch with your own needs and considering future dating plans.  

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.