How To Get Through A Divorce Stronger And Healthier

Getting through a divorce can be extremely difficult. When a marriage is ending, it’s natural to experience a floodgate of emotions, including confusion, sadness, fear, and anger. When the separation first happens, you may feel that nothing can get better and that you are falling apart. Yet, with careful consideration, hard work, and healthy coping skills, you may come out of your divorce stronger and healthier than you were before the separation.

There are steps you can try taking as you work towards a productive outcome. Read on to learn these steps and when to reach out for professional support.

Letting go of regrets

When you are trying to get over a divorce, you may feel. If you can let go of regret, you may be able to exit your divorce with a stronger emotional constitution and be ready to move on to a new phase of your life more easily. Regret can come from many sources. You may blame yourself for your actions that contributed to the breakup. You may feel ashamed about things you did or reactions you had during the divorce and separation. You may regret earlier choices in the marriage or even the initial decision to marry your former spouse. In these cases, some tools may help you let go of regret so that you are healthier mentally and emotionally and can begin moving forward:

Make a list

You might start by making a list of things you regret both in your marriage and throughout the divorce process (and even earlier in the relationship). There is no need to show this list to anyone. It is just for you. Try thinking carefully about all the things you regret. As you make your list, you may realize that some of the things you regret are simply not your burden to bear. You might also try tips for moving beyond past experiences. For instance, you might allow yourself to feel regret. If you find you feel responsible for behaviors you regret in the past, you might take responsibility for them. This does not mean blaming yourself but acknowledging and taking ownership of past actions. You might also practice mindfulness—focusing on the present positively. This can help you move beyond the inclination to dwell on negative feelings like regret rooted in the past.

Find the positive

Focusing only on your regrets and negative emotions from the divorce may not be mentally or emotionally healthy. What can be helpful is allowing yourself to look for the good in your situation. You might look for the happy memories to show that your relationship was not always in a bad place. You might look for the silver lining on the cloud of divorce and find the positive outcomes that may result from this new stage of your life.

Focus on your strengths

Feelings of regret can lead to feelings of low self-esteem and low confidence. This may be the case because you might blame yourself for the divorce and its consequences when you regret your actions or reactions. You might also feel shame or guilt. Instead of allowing yourself to enter this downward spiral, try focusing on your strengths. Simply naming them can help adjust your mindset.

Learn from the experience

You may have regrets for valid reasons. Maybe there are some things you did in your marriage that you are not proud of. Instead of beating yourself up over them, try to accept responsibility and learn from the experience. You might find you can recognize your mistakes, embrace them, analyze them, and realize what you could have done differently. You can retain that information and your new feelings about that situation—and you may even be able to apply what you discover to future relationships.

Getting through the divorce settlement

The process of how to get through a divorce can weaken your self-esteem and overall strength. Some people may take the first settlement so that they can end the unpleasant process. These are personal decisions and are unique for each individual and the couple. In some cases, though, taking a less-than-equitable divorce settlement just so that the process will end can also take away your sense of strength and might leave you with further regrets. A licensed mental health therapist, lawyer, or mediator specializing in the dissolution of marriage may be able to guide you.

Maintain your strength during and after the divorce

Maintaining strength can keep you healthy and give you the endurance to make your split with your spouse as smooth as possible. The more smoothly the divorce proceedings go, the easier it might be to move on after divorce and come out stronger and healthier on the other side. Having a divorce go smoothly usually requires communication, cooperation, mediation, and taking care of yourself. If you could benefit from support, licensed mental health professionals can help you develop strategies that build resilience and strengthen your resolve. 

Be prepared for a long process

While you may wish your divorce would be over quickly, it may be more realistic to recognize that it can take longer than you would like. Some divorce cases last for more than a year (or beyond) before settling either in or out of court. The mediation sessions can be grueling and very difficult emotionally. In addition to preparing ahead of time, it is good to take practical steps to make these long sessions more bearable. For instance, you might wear comfortable clothing, stay hydrated, and try to get enough sleep.

Maintain your health

It can be easy to let healthy habits slide as the stress of separation and divorce continues. Making conscious efforts to eat right, maintain an exercise routine, and get plenty of sleep can help you feel better physically and mentally. It can be more difficult to be emotionally and mentally strong if you feel tired, worn down, or malnourished. Practicing self-care and staying focused on eating healthily and appropriate exercise can help you not only maintain your physical health but your emotional well-being as well. 

When it comes to finances, try to think practically

When going through the financial challenges of divorce proceedings or mediation, you might try to think in financial terms rather than emotionally purposefully. You may be emotional or feel overwrought but letting that affect your decision about a potential settlement can impact your future. It may be wise to talk to a financial planner or advisor about how different settlement situations will look in the long term.

Try not to let the divorce take over your life

Often a divorce can seem to take over your entire life. In this case, trying to control or interrupt a stream of negative thoughts can be most helpful. Incorporating plenty of time with friends and family that doesn’t involve discussing your breakup or divorce may be a positive activity, as is taking the time to do other things you enjoy.

Focus on the future

To remain strong during your divorce, one positive thing you can do is to focus on the future instead of past transgressions or current negative emotions. Focusing on the future can help you power through what may be the unpleasantness of the present.

Get support

Connecting with a therapist can be very helpful during this time. Getting emotional support and having someone to talk to through the divorce and beyond can help you process your feelings and thoughts to address the past, face the present, and be ready to move on in the future. Divorce support groups may also be effective. Friends and family can also be a source of support. But remember that they are not likely to be married or mental health experts, so sometimes just enjoying their company and spending time with them without focusing on the divorce can offer you a needed break.

Moving on from divorce

The length of time it will take to get over your divorce and come out on the other side stronger, and healthier depends on each person individually. It may also depend on factors such as how long you were married, whether you have children, whether the divorce was a surprise, whether you or your partner were unfaithful or dishonest, who initiated the divorce, and more. The average time to get over a divorce may be one year for every five to seven years of marriage. However, this number can vary widely from individual to individual and from situation to situation.

Be yourself 

Moving on after divorce can be difficult but is also possible, and you can come out of it healthier and stronger. You may, for instance, learn to embrace yourself as an individual rather than as a part of a couple. When you focus on who you are and appreciate your traits and strengths, you may find you feel stronger and can move forward with your life.

Treasure your gifts

Throughout a marriage, you may begin to identify as a couple, which can be healthy. However, if you begin to overlook your gifts, such as all your great qualities and how they impact your life and those of others, you might want to learn to focus on those positive traits. When you fully appreciate what you have to offer the world, you may find yourself on a more positive course on how to move on after divorce.

Practice self-care

You might try doing something extra for yourself every day, even if it is just for 10 minutes. For example, you might read a book, take a longer shower or a bubble bath, get a massage, have a soothing cup of tea, or do something that you truly enjoy that brings you positive feelings.

Let go

Moving on from your divorce may depend on your ability to let go of holding on to unhealthy thoughts. This may mean you have to make concerted efforts not to get stuck in feelings of resentment or despair. You may find it helpful to let go of judgment, bitterness, and other negative feelings and to focus on embracing the path that lies ahead.

Find what makes you happy

What truly makes you happy? Beyond what you do for your friends, family, and children—and what you may have done for your ex-spouse—what are you happy doing, and who are you happy being? You might try to find those things that bring you fulfillment and joy, embracing them fully as you move forward in your divorce.  You can try doing small things that will spur feelings of contentment and perhaps plan larger things as you look forward to the future. Focusing on your happiness along with those around you can bring you internal strength and encourage an overall positive outlook on life. 

Towards personal growth

In the end, divorce can be painful, but you can come out a stronger person. There are many ways that divorce can impact your life. There are also ways to handle those challenges and changes in strong and healthy ways. There are many areas of personal growth. The following are suggestions for four areas that you might focus on strengthening:

1. Self-confidence

As you go through your divorce, you may find that you’ll relearn how to make decisions and undertake other things on your own as an individual rather than as a couple. At first, there may be a learning curve and even some discomfort. You might not have confidence in trusting your instincts. However, once you embrace the idea that you may very well know what is best for you, you can experience a big boost to your self-confidence. This can help you in many areas of your life, including future relationships.

2. Practicing thankfulness

Going through a divorce may leave you with a profound sense of loss, and it is something that you may need to grieve fully to move on and be stronger for the experience. Instead of dwelling on the loss, it can be uplifting and good for your mood to practice thankfulness (often called gratitude) very consciously and mindfully. You can start by looking closely at the things you have to be thankful for in life, even if they are small. Expressing gratitude daily can make you stronger, more resilient, and more optimistic.

3. Embracing your individuality

When you get married, part of your identity may become being part of a couple. After divorce, the time to find yourself and embrace your individuality may be right. You might find it helpful to allow yourself to do so unapologetically, without excuses or explanations and feelings of guilt. You deserve to be you that makes you happy and strong.

4. Your sense of empathy

If you look at divorce from an angle of growth, you may see that it has helped strengthen your empathy.  is being able to sense or feel others’ emotions. It can be exhausting when you have gone through something emotional, but it can also give you a new perspective on emotions in general. You may find yourself being more sensitive to the emotions of others, which is the first step towards compassion—which can make you and others feel connected and be very meaningful.

Seeking support during and after divorce

If you are trying to cope with your divorce and feel that finding strength and happiness on your own is a challenge, it can help you talk to a therapist or counselor who can support you and offer you tools to cope with trying times. Working with a skilled mental health therapist can give you the support you need to move forward from the divorce and at the pace that works for you. 

You have many options to choose from when looking for a therapist, keeping in the forefront of your mind that the one you choose is one with whom you feel safe and confident. You also have the choice to choose between online and in-person therapy, both effective ways for you to seek professional advice. Online therapy is convenient as you participate in therapy from the comfort of your own home and is supported by research as a beneficial alternative to in-person therapy. Current research reveals that people who received online therapy along with in-person reported that they felt their online therapist to be just as empathetic (if not more) as compared to their in-person therapist. 

Counselor reviews

There are many options for connecting with a licensed mental health professional. At Regain, therapy and counseling can be convenient, affordable, and easy to maintain. Regain therapists specialize in relationship counseling and divorce, and they can help you through this process to come out stronger and healthier.

“Dr. Anstadt is amazing. I appreciate him always reaching out to make sure things are going smoothly in between our sessions. He follows up and genuinely cares about my situation. I would recommend Dr. Anstadt to anyone who is seeking insight on co-parenting and new relationships after divorce. Thank you for everything!”

“Lisheyna is an amazing person with really beautiful insights. I struggled with my separation, and she helped me regain new insights, which helped me become friends with my ex-wife again and understand her perspective. I am grateful to Lisheyna for her support and would highly recommend her to anyone seeking any personal or relationship counseling.”

Takeaway

Divorce can be a major transition in life, with many experiencing intense emotions and periods of grieving. While this time can be difficult, you do not need to move through this journey in turbulence nor alone. Following the strategies in this article can be helpful. However, know that you need not go through the process without support. Mental health professionals, like those at Regain, can help you take the steps you need to get through a divorce in strength and health.