What To Do If Your Ex Regrets Divorce: Why A Clean Break May Be A Good Idea

Finding yourself trying to navigate the complexities of divorce can be overwhelming and feel nearly impossible at times. While divorce can be hard no matter the circumstances, something that can make matters even more complicated is when one person realizes they regret the divorce, but the other person doesn’t. In this article, we’ll outline a few ideas to keep in mind if your ex regrets divorce, and when it might make sense to consider a clean break.

When a clean break might make sense

Many paths can lead couples to divorce, but whatever the cause, it can be difficult to navigate the aftermath. There are no guidelines that can ensure a perfect way to handle a divorce. It can make sense a divorce that was mutually agreed upon has the potential to be less challenging than a contentious divorce, but even for the people in this group, divorce can be difficult. Divorce can then become increasingly difficult if one of the partners realizes that they regret divorce.

If both partners felt this way, the answer might be simple: they could try getting back together and give it another go. But when only one partner regrets divorce, this can be the beginning of a tumultuous experience. If only one person regrets the divorce, being around their ex may be even more painful and confusing. The person who regrets the divorce may try to rekindle things, ask for another chance, and make advances on the person who doesn’t. This can be very difficult for both people involved: the person who regrets the divorce may feel even more rejected, and the person who doesn’t regret may feel like they can’t move on. In cases like this, trying to create a clean break may be a good approach, at least for a bit of time to allow both people to recover. 

Tips for navigating a divorce and making a clean break

1. Create boundaries

When navigating a divorce, it can be useful to identify, set, and enforce your boundaries with your ex, and for them to do the same. To do this, you can start by reflecting on what you are and are not comfortable with in regard to your ex. Then, you can express these boundaries to your ex, and ask them for theirs. Boundaries are not a tool to punish others with; rather, they can be put in place so that everyone involved is more likely to feel comfortable. When respected, boundaries can help a relationship function well.  You might consider setting boundaries around how often you see each other, what topics you discuss, and if you have children together, how you both handle various aspects of those dynamics. 

For instance, children often want both parents to participate in significant milestones over the years, which means it can be important to master the art of civility. However, being kind to your ex does not mean you can't have boundaries. Instead of silently arguing with yourself in the heat of a questionable moment, you can be mindful that you have every right not to participate in anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. Understanding this may leave you in a healthier headspace during (as well as after) these forced encounters, especially in situations when your ex, because they regret divorce, may relish spending the extra time with you.

2. Remember there is no perfect divorce

There's likely no such thing as a perfect divorce. You can take comfort in knowing that, just like many other huge steps we take in life, learning to navigate the "right way" to be divorced will likely be more of a journey and less of a destination, and it is likely to look slightly different from one person to the next.

Dissolving a marriage often doesn't mean you never have to be involved with your ex ever again. Especially if you have children together, you will likely have to see each other somewhat regularly. As you navigate a divorce while seeing each other often, there may be times when you forget your boundaries, say something you don’t mean, or veer off course. If this happens, try to be kind to your ex and yourself, remembering that this is a process, and nobody is perfect. You can realign yourself according to what works best for you and begin again. It's not about perfection, but about a consistent effort and a commitment to the arrangement you've agreed to.

Even when your ex persists, being consistent with the boundaries you've committed to will likely get the message across eventually. It just might take some time. Try to have patience with yourself, your ex, and the process. 

3. Seek help in therapy

If you find that the complexities of maneuvering through these choppy waters of divorce are more than you can handle on your own, then reaching out to a licensed counselor online to discuss the unique challenges you're faced with can be very helpful. 

In fact, research has demonstrated the effectiveness of online interventions for individuals going through a divorce. One such study concluded that “online intervention platforms may be effective in reducing adverse mental health related effects of divorce.”

If you are experience some of these possible adverse mental health effects of divorce, it may feel difficult to leave the house and commute to an in-person appointment at times. With online therapy, you can meet with your counselor wherever you have internet, including the comfort of home. 

4. Embrace your authentic self

While a divorce can be painful and stressful, it can also present an opportunity: it can give you the chance to explore who you are as an individual, outside of this relationship that was likely a huge part of your life for some time. 

You might consider trying to use this as a time to reacquaint yourself with who you are today. You can spend some time journaling, pick up old hobbies or interests that you maybe didn’t have time for in your marriage, try out new activities that you’ve always been interested in, spend more time with good friends and family, and pursue other goals and other parts of your life that are important to you. 

There is no one, single way to go about this: you can consider what your most authentic self and most fulfilling life might look like at this stage, and then take steps to make that a reality. 

Takeaway

Divorce can be difficult no matter the exact situation or circumstances, but it can then become increasingly difficult if one of the partners realizes that they regret the divorce. If this is something you’re experiencing, you can consider some of the ideas above for how to move forward. For further support, you can reach out to an online counselor for help.