Why Do I Still Love Her? Getting Past An Ex
When long-term relationships come to an end, it can be difficult to process. Putting significant time and effort into a romantic partnership and seeing it suddenly end can be an emotional shock that isn’t easy to deal with. There may be some things you can do to get back on your feet after a bad breakup, though, even if you still love her.
Even if you were the one who initiated the breakup, it can still be painful. You may need some time to heal, and it may be even longer before you are open to falling in love again. You may be wondering why it’s so hard to let go.
“Why do I still love her?” Reasons it can be hard to let go
No two situations are the same. Still, there are plenty of reasons why it can be particularly difficult to move on in the wake of a devastating breakup.
Loneliness
Loneliness may be a factor that is contributing to your ongoing heartbreak. For instance, you may wonder, "What if I still love my ex?" when you're all alone at night. Instead of focusing on things that you enjoy, spending time with friends, or getting back out there in the dating game, all your focus could be directed on the past.
When we are lonely, we can feel starved for affection, attention, and love. Loneliness might even make you consider going back to an ex. You might become fixated on positive memories of time spent together while ignoring the negative aspects of the relationship that led to the breakup.
Social media
Technology can also make it difficult to get over an ex. Before the advent of social media, you might have to worry about running into an ex at the grocery store, but that would be the end of it. Yet, with the popularity of social apps, you might see your ex everywhere you look.
Social media has made it possible to see what a person is doing day or night, no matter where they go. Instagram allows you to see photos and videos featuring your ex, for example, while Twitter can let you know what they’re thinking in real time. That’s not to mention Facebook where your ex could update her relationship status at any moment.
One of the major obstacles to getting over an ex in modern times is a lack of distance from them. Seeing what they are doing and who they are spending time with can exacerbate any lingering feelings you might have for them.
A distorted view of the past
When recovering from a breakup, it can be tempting to reflect on the relationship while wearing rose-colored glasses. This means we may only remember the good parts of the relationship and forget about the fights and disagreements. When we are especially sad about losing our ex, we may refuse to take the rose-colored glasses off. This may only lead to dwelling on the breakup and can make it difficult to move forward.
Fear of being alone
Perhaps the biggest reason for a failure to move on is that most of us are afraid of being alone. After a breakup, it may seem there will never be another person who can love us the way that our ex did. That fear of being alone may cause you to pine after your ex for far longer than necessary. If you insist on trying to get back with your ex after a bad breakup, it might only make your attachment to that previous relationship that much stronger. Despite these obstacles, it may be important to look towards the future, focus on yourself, and move forward with your life. Remaining fixated on a failed relationship rarely has positive effects or leads to positive growth.
How to address lingering feelings
Each person is different, so some of these strategies for moving past an ex may work better for some than others. Still, these are some of the best suggestions for getting over an ex because they are fairly straightforward:
Avoid their social media profiles
Keep in mind that social media can make it more difficult to get over an ex. It can become easy to obsess over a former flame when you see everything they are doing and thinking. Unfriending or blocking your ex’s profile may be the best way to escape this obsession.
Start with a clean slate
Perhaps one of the most difficult but ultimately beneficial steps to take is to eliminate any reminders of your ex. It can be helpful to get rid of any mementos of the relationship so you can reboot your life with a clean slate. Anything that reminds you of them can be a string that keeps you attached to them in some way. There can also be something cathartic about getting rid of those items from an ex. It can represent a metaphorical wiping of the slate and make it feel like you are embarking on a fresh, new path in life.
Eliminate contact
In a moment of weakness, contacting an ex can seem like a good idea, but this is one of the biggest pitfalls of getting over them. It may take everything you have not to contact an ex, but try to restrain yourself. Contacting an ex may only lead to those overwhelming feelings of longing becoming even more persistent.
Reach out to your support network
Getting support from your friends is perhaps one of the best suggestions for getting over an ex. Your friends want you to feel better and can help you get through this hard time in your life. They can be there to talk you through the bad times, take you out to get your mind off of things, and help prop up your self-esteem as needed.
Moving forward with online therapy
If you find you need more support after a breakup than what your friends can offer, therapy with a professional mental health counselor is another option. In therapy, you can talk about your post-breakup feelings, learn strategies for coping with the loss of your partner, and set goals for the future.
An online therapist can help answer the question, “Why do I still love her?”
Sometimes, people feel especially vulnerable after a breakup, and this can make it hard to talk about your feelings, especially in person. If this sounds familiar, online counseling might be a better option for you. Many individuals report feeling more at ease in an online environment, which can be helpful when discussing negative or painful emotions.
The efficacy of online therapy
Online therapy has also been proven effective by researchers in the scientific community. A comprehensive meta-analysis reviewed nearly 10,000 individual cases and found no significant differences in outcomes experienced by those who pursued therapy online versus in person.
Takeaway
Perhaps the ultimate goal of moving forward from an ex is to grow as a person and make positive strides toward the future. This can be challenging, but moving forward is possible. If you find that you need guidance or support along the journey, the compassionate and skilled counselors at Regain are here to help. Reach out today to begin your healing process and pave the way toward renewed health and happiness.
Frequently asked questions (FAQ)
How can I tell if I’m still in love?
If you're wondering, "Why do I still love her?" or "Is it normal to love your ex still?" you're not alone. It may take time to get over someone you once loved, and even if it's a case where you know that you shouldn't be together, the feelings can remain. Here are some signs that you're not over your ex:
- In your head, it still feels like they'll come back—and when you realize it's over, it hurts.
- You still talk about them all the time.
- You still check on their social media frequently.
- When you think about the future, you still see them in it.
- You think about them all the time.
- You wonder if you can love anyone else as much as you loved them, and you search your heart for the answer.
How do you know if you really love her?
If you feel love for someone, you might know it intuitively. If you really love someone, you want the best for them. You may still think about your life together and all the things you could've done together. Perhaps, you still think of the ways you'd make your ex smile, or you rehash the good times in your mind. If you still see her from time to time, you may feel that draw toward her, and it elicits strong emotions. In your mind, you might even believe that she's still your true love and that you could never have a bond so special with anyone else. Yet, deep down, you may wonder if she's the answer to what you're looking for in love.
How do you let go of someone you love?
It's not easy to stop loving someone. When you fall in love, you typically feel like it's true love that'll last forever, and the longer you're with that person, the harder it is to imagine life without them. If you're asking yourself, "Is it normal to still love your ex?" the answer is yes.
How do I start letting go after a breakup?
It is normal to still love someone you're no longer with. After all, healing takes time. Here's how to start letting go:
- Don't send them text messages: If you've decided to be friends, take some time away. When you give yourself space from someone, you can detach and heal from what broke your relationship.
- Stop looking at their social media: If you're checking their social media, you're keeping them in your head, making it far more difficult to move on. This is especially true if you're a guy who struggles with detachment after a breakup.
- Find a therapist: When you find a therapist, your provider can give you a safe place to talk and work through your feelings, and find an answer.
Why do I still think about my ex all the time?
If you constantly think about her, it could mean that unresolved feelings or memories are tied to your connection. It’s normal to have lingering thoughts about someone who meant a lot to you, especially if you haven’t fully processed the story of the relationship’s end. These feelings can be a sign that you’re still healing or may indicate a need for closure. Others may also guess that certain experiences, like the emotional bond or even the sex, left a lasting impression. Sometimes, the words spoken during or after the breakup can linger in your mind, especially if they hit hard or broke your sense of stability. It’s not uncommon for a guy to revisit these thoughts as part of understanding and moving forward.
Is it normal to feel like I’ll never find someone like my ex again?
Yes, it’s common to feel like your ex was unique and that no one else could match that connection. This often happens because memories can take on a heightened sense of value after a breakup. Your brain may amplify the significance of the story you shared, making it harder to imagine moving forward. With time and perspective, it becomes easier to see that while your bond is unique, other meaningful relationships can also come into your life.
How do I lose feelings for someone?
Losing feelings for someone can take time, but it's important to focus on your own personal growth and emotional well-being. Start by recognizing the attachment you've formed and allowing yourself to accept that things might not happen the way you expected. Letting go requires setting boundaries and focusing on the present rather than holding on to fond memories from the past relationship. Eventually, you'll come to a point where you understand that moving on is the most important thing for your own happiness. It's normal to feel pain during this process, but by prioritizing your own well-being, you'll get through the doubt and struggling moments and find the peace you deserve.
Why am I still so obsessed with my ex?
It's normal to still feel attached to your ex, especially if there was that deep emotional connection and fond memories shared. The brain and body can take time to adjust to the change, and the breakup circumstances can make it harder to move on. Most people experience this desire to hold on. Still, it's important to accept that while it might feel like they were a part of your world forever, you will eventually understand that moving forward is healthier for both of you. The key is recognizing that you're not in control of everything, but with time and focus on personal growth, you'll start to let go.
Why can't I move on from her?
It can be difficult to move on when there is a deep emotional connection, and your brain and body are still processing the breakup. Sometimes, it feels like it's wrong or that things were supposed to last forever, but as you go through the course of healing, you'll recognize that it's important to focus on your own well-being. The factors that keep you stuck might be rooted in unaddressed emotions or unmet desires. Still, with time, understanding, and setting healthy boundaries, you'll eventually reach a point where you can move on.
How to finally let go?
To finally let go, it’s important to focus on your own growth and understand that not everything is meant to happen the way you expected. Letting go involves shifting your brain from the past and recognizing that family and dating should not be defined by someone who no longer aligns with your future. At the same time, it may feel like hell at times. Accepting that things broke for a reason and not holding on to weird attachments will bring peace over time.
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