Why Do I Still Love Her? Getting Past An Ex

When long-term relationships come to an end, it can be difficult to process. Putting significant time and effort into a romantic partnership and seeing it suddenly end can be an emotional shock that isn’t easy to deal with. There may be some things you can do to get back on your feet after a bad breakup, though, even if you still love her.

Even if you were the one who initiated the breakup, it can still be painful. You may need some time to heal, and it may be even longer before you are open to falling in love again.  You may be wondering why it’s so hard to let go. 

Why is it so hard to let go?

No two situations are the same. Still, there are plenty of reasons why it can be particularly difficult to move on in the wake of a devastating breakup.

Loneliness

Loneliness may be a factor that is contributing to your ongoing heartbreak.  For instance, you may wonder, "What if I still love my ex?" when you're all alone at night. Instead of focusing on things that you enjoy, spending time with friends, or getting back out there in the dating game, all your focus could be directed on the past. 

When we are lonely, we can feel starved for affection, attention, and love. Loneliness might even make you consider going back to an ex. You might become fixated on positive memories of time spent together while ignoring the negative aspects of the relationship that led to the breakup.  

Technology

Technology can also make it difficult to get over an ex. Before the advent of social media, you might have to worry about running into an ex at the grocery store, but that would be the end of it. Yet, with the popularity of social apps, you might see your ex everywhere you look.

Social media has made it possible to see what a person is doing day or night, no matter where they go. Instagram allows you to see photos and videos featuring your ex, for example, while Twitter can let you know what they’re thinking in real-time. That’s not to mention Facebook where your ex could update her relationship status at any moment. 

One of the major obstacles to getting over an ex in modern times is a lack of distance from them. Seeing what they are doing and who they are spending time with can exacerbate any lingering feelings you might have for them. 

Rose-colored glasses

When recovering from a breakup, it can be tempting to reflect on the relationship while wearing rose-colored glasses. This means we may only remember the good parts of the relationship and forget about the fights and disagreements. When we are especially sad about losing our ex, we may refuse to take the rose-colored glasses off.  This may only lead to dwelling on the breakup and can make it difficult to move forward.

Fear of being alone

Perhaps the biggest reason for a failure to move on is that most of us are afraid of being alone. After a breakup, it may seem there will never be another person who can love us the way that our ex did. That fear of being alone may cause you to pine after your ex for far longer than necessary. If you insist on trying to get back with your ex after a bad breakup, it might only make your attachment to that previous relationship that much stronger. Despite these obstacles, it may be important to look towards the future, focus on yourself, and move forward with your life. Remaining fixated on a failed relationship rarely has positive effects or leads to positive growth.

So how do you move on?

Each person is different, so some of these strategies for moving past an ex may work better for some than others. Still, these are some of the best suggestions for getting over an ex because they are fairly straightforward:

Unfriend them

Keep in mind that social media can make it more difficult to get over an ex. It can become easy to obsess over a former flame when you see everything they are doing and thinking. Unfriending or blocking your ex’s profile may be the best way to escape this obsession.

Start with a clean slate

Perhaps one of the most difficult, but ultimately beneficial steps to take is to eliminate any reminders of your ex. It can be helpful to get rid of any mementos of the relationship so you can reboot your life with a clean slate. Anything that reminds you of them can be a string that keeps you attached to them in some way. There can also be something cathartic about getting rid of those items from an ex. It can represent a metaphorical wiping of the slate and make it feel like you are embarking on a fresh, new path in life.

Eliminate contact

In a moment of weakness, contacting an ex can seem like a good idea, but this is one of the biggest pitfalls of getting over them. It may take everything you have not to contact an ex, but try to restrain yourself. Contacting an ex may only lead to those overwhelming feelings of longing becoming even more persistent.

Reach out

Getting support from your friends is perhaps one of the best suggestions for getting over an ex. Your friends want you to feel better and can help you get through this hard time in your life. They can be there to talk you through the bad times, take you out to get your mind off of things, and help prop up your self-esteem as needed. 

Consider therapy

If you find you need more support after a breakup than what your friends can offer, therapy with a professional mental health counselor is another option. In therapy, you can talk about your post-breakup feelings, learn strategies for coping with the loss of your partner, and set goals for the future. 

Sometimes, people feel especially vulnerable after a breakup, and this can make it hard to talk about your feelings, especially in person. If this sounds familiar, online counseling might be a better option for you. Many individuals report feeling more at ease in an online environment, which can be helpful when discussing negative or painful emotions.  

Online therapy has also been proven effective by researchers in the scientific community. A comprehensive meta-analysis reviewed nearly 10,000 individual cases and found no significant differences in outcomes experienced by those who pursued therapy online versus in person. 

Takeaway

Perhaps the ultimate goal of moving forward from an ex is to grow as a person and make positive strides toward the future. This can be challenging, but moving forward is possible. If you find that you need guidance or support along the journey, the compassionate and skilled counselors at Regain are here to help. Reach out today to begin your healing process and pave the way toward renewed health and happiness.