Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Am I Being Manipulated in My Relationship?
Manipulative behavior can be subtle, but its effects can be profound in any context. Manipulation can lead to feelings of anger, confusion, and stress, as well as reduced self-esteem. Things can become even more problematic when the person manipulating you is your significant other, a situation that has the potential to create feelings of resentment and lead to an unhealthy relationship dynamic. But how do you know when your partner is being manipulative?
In this article, we will explore manipulation in relationships in more detail: what it is, common warning signs of manipulation, and how therapy can help you move forward when you feel your partner is being manipulative.
What is manipulation in a relationship?
Manipulation is the use of calculated emotional and mental tactics in order to get another person to behave in a certain way. It is often a way of exerting control and power over another person by influencing them to act or react in a way they otherwise wouldn’t. Manipulation may involve exploiting a person’s weaknesses and feelings, using psychological tactics to push them in a certain direction, or even making them question their own instincts and memories.
In a relationship, manipulative behavior can be insidious. Your romantic partner is often one of the closest people to you in your life, meaning there is potential for them to exploit your emotions and take advantage of their closeness to you in order to get what they want. In some cases, manipulation in a relationship may even be considered a form of emotional abuse. According to a study from 2020, emotional abuse can have a range of potential negative side effects, including stress and anxiety, low self-esteem, fear, and depression. But how do you recognize manipulative behavior in your relationship?
Warning signs of manipulative behavior
The warning signs of manipulation can be subtle and difficult to spot. That said, manipulation tends to take a few common forms, which it may be helpful to be aware of if you have concerns about manipulation in your relationship. Some warning signs of manipulation to watch out for include:
Guilt trips
Guilt-tripping is the act of trying to make another person feel bad or ashamed in order to make them change their mind about something, apologize for something, or change their course of action. This could involve bringing up past mistakes, implying or stating that something was hurtful, or otherwise trying to create feelings of shame or guilt.
Making you question your sanity
Also known as gaslighting, this form of manipulation involves making someone question their recollections or perceptions. Someone engaging in gaslighting may insist that a lie is actually the truth, stand by an incorrect version of events, or respond to those who question them with statements like, “You’re crazy,” or “You’re making things up.”
Coercion
Coercion is the use of threats in order to get a person to act a certain way. A common example of coercion in a relationship is when one partner threatens to leave the other in order to make their partner do what they want.
Giving you the silent treatment and being passive-aggressive
When your partner emotionally or physically withdraws from you, this may be a sign that they are trying to manipulate you. They may stop talking to you altogether, or otherwise withhold physical or emotional affection until you act the way they want you to.
Love-bombing
This form of manipulation involves an intense demonstration of love and affection that often happens earlier than expected in a relationship. It may also include excessive flattery, extravagant gifts, or moving forward too quickly, which can then later evolve into other forms of manipulation or abuse.
These are just a few examples of manipulative behaviors to watch out for in your relationship. It’s important to note that it’s common for most people to engage in occasional manipulative behaviors, sometimes unintentionally, and not all signs of manipulation necessarily point to an unhealthy relationship dynamic. However, if a pattern of these behaviors develops in your relationship, that may a potential warning sign.
Couples therapy: A resource for navigating manipulation
Because of the closeness of romantic relationships, it can be difficult to figure out if behaviors you’ve noticed are genuinely manipulative or not. Manipulation is not always intentional, and it can stem from other causes besides malicious intent. A licensed relationship therapist can provide useful insight into whether what you’re experiencing is a cause for concern.
Relationship therapy can allow couples to strengthen their communication, get to the bottom of potentially unhealthy dynamics, and determine the best course of action for their situation. That said, couples with busy schedules may find it difficult to attend in-person relationship counseling. In these cases, online relationship therapy through a platform like Regain may be beneficial. With the ability to attend counseling from wherever is most convenient, online therapy provides an element of flexibility that may make it more accessible for couples juggling commitments at home and at work.
Studies have shown that online couples therapy is an effective alternative to in-person counseling. According to a 2022 study published in Frontiers in Psychology, couples who attended therapy via videoconferencing saw similar results to in-person therapy. Meanwhile, a study from 2020 found that therapy delivered online led couples to feel closer to their therapists.
Takeaway
Manipulation is the use of emotional or mental strategies to influence another person’s behavior. In relationships, manipulation can be difficult to spot, but it can have a variety of negative mental health consequences, and it may even be considered a form of emotional abuse. Possible signs of manipulation in a relationship include the silent treatment, coercion or guilt-tripping, gaslighting, and love-bombing, among others. If you are concerned your partner is showing signs of manipulative behavior, a licensed couples therapist, such as those on Regain, can help you unpack what you’ve experienced and find a strategy for moving forward.
Frequently asked questions
How do you tell if you're being manipulated in a relationship?
There are some telltale signs you’re in a manipulative relationship. One common sign of emotional manipulation on the part of a romantic partner is emotional blackmail. Using this manipulation tactic, the manipulative person will typically use her feelings to get what they want. This could mean making you feel guilty for going out with friends by visibly getting upset so that you end up staying in with them or using your feelings against you in another way. Another sign you are in a relationship with a manipulative person is if you consistently feel insecure about the status of your relationship. One of the most common manipulation tactics is consistently threatening to leave or end a relationship.
Another common manipulation tactic is love bombing. Love bombing happens when someone showers you with love and affection at the beginning of a relationship, or during a relationship when they’ve wronged you in some way. Although it may seem harmless or even sweet at first, it is often a sign that the person is emotionally manipulating you in order to gain (or win back) your trust and affection.
One common aspect of almost all manipulation tactics is lying. Lying is often meant to make you feel confused and question your sense of reality. If your gut instinct is telling you that you’re being manipulated, try to objectively evaluate the behavior of your romantic partner.
For further reading, check out these medically reviewed articles about manipulation.
What does emotional manipulation look like?
There are many different ways emotional manipulation might show up in a relationship.
Am I being manipulated in my relationship?
Emotional manipulation in relationships can happen when the other person uses your feelings against you. They may make you feel guilty for not giving them enough attention or make you feel confused in order to get what they want. They might make dramatic statements that are meant to make you feel bad about them. A manipulative person will often lie in order to create self-doubt and make you unsure of your sense of reality.
When faced with emotional manipulation in relationships, it is important that you establish boundaries. If you start to notice the manipulative person using the same tactics over and over, let them know that this behavior is not acceptable—and enforce boundaries you’ve set when they start to use those manipulation tactics. Sometimes our default settings cause us to avoid conflict by allowing others to encroach on the clear boundaries we’ve set in relationships.
Manipulation is kind of like tools that track your information online. You’ve probably seen pop-ups that say “Settings,” or “Reject.” These gather information about you that they, or others, can use later. A manipulator may also gather information about you that they can use later on.
When manipulation has damaged a relationship, it is often necessary for one partner or both to spend some time working through things by seeing a relationship expert. A licensed psychologist or intimacy coach can help you work through issues with trust or other relationship concerns.
How do I know if I'm a manipulator?
It can be hard to tell if you’re engaging in psychological manipulation, especially because this could be a result of a mental health condition like a narcissistic personality disorder. (For more information on narcissism in relationships, take a look at these medically reviewed articles). It is often difficult to recognize behavior that arises out of mental health conditions.
If someone has told you that you’ve been manipulative in romantic relationships, friendships, or family relationships, it may be necessary to examine your behavior.
For more info, take a look at this medically reviewed article that could help you determine whether you’re being manipulative in relationships.
How do you outsmart a manipulative person if you're asking, "Am I being manipulated in my relationship"?
Stay calm, set clear boundaries, and try not to react emotionally. When you notice someone trying to manipulate you, respond assertively instead of giving in.
What kind of people do manipulators target when using passive-aggressive tactics?
Manipulators often go after people who are naturally empathetic, those who like to please others, or those who really want to avoid conflict, because it's easier to control them.
What do manipulators fear when they resort to the silent treatment?
Manipulators fear losing control or not getting their way, so they use the silent treatment to make the other person feel guilty or unsure.
What are the five stages of manipulation?
The five stages typically include charm, isolation, devaluing, gaslighting, and discarding—each designed to gain control over the victim.
How do you spot a manipulator?
Watch for signs like excessive flattery, guilt-tripping, inconsistency, or making you feel responsible for your emotions.
How do I stop being manipulated?
Set firm boundaries, stand up for yourself, and don’t engage in their attempts to guilt or pressure you. Seek support if needed.
What happens when you ignore a manipulator?
Ignoring a manipulator can make them escalate their tactics to regain control, but it can also signal that their manipulation isn’t working.
What are things manipulators say?
Manipulators might say things like, “You’re overreacting,” or, “If you loved me, you’d do this,” to make you question your reality and decisions.
Can someone manipulate you without knowing?
Some people may unintentionally manipulate, driven by their insecurities or past experiences, but it’s still important to recognize and address it.
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