How To Identify Spouse Abuse And Get Help From The National Domestic Violence Hotline
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Spousal abuse is a common problem in America, affecting millions of people each year. Read on to explore the different types of spousal abuse, how to recognize the signs that your partner’s behavior is abusive, and how therapy can help you recover after being hurt or controlled by someone you trusted to love you.
What is spousal abuse?
Spousal abuse is also called domestic violence or intimate partner violence. While the methods and underlying causes can differ from one couple to another, these terms all describe patterns of abusive behavior one partner uses to gain and continue exerting power and control over their spouse. This abuse can take many forms, some of which may be difficult to identify as inappropriate behavior at first glance. Though many people relate men to domestic violence, women can be abusive.
How common is spousal abuse?
Unfortunately, abusive behavior between intimate partners is a common occurrence. Every minute in America, 20 adults experience abuse at the hands of their romantic partner.
“1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner. This includes a range of behaviors (e.g., slapping, shoving, pushing) and, in some cases, might not be considered ‘domestic violence.’ 1 in 7 women and 1 in 25 men have been injured by an intimate partner.” — National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
Understanding the pattern of spouse abuse
Abusive behaviors can be different for each perpetrator, but researchers have identified patterns of abuse that often follow a three-stage cycle.
The tension stage
You may notice small signs of controlling behaviors, concerning reactions, or verbal abuse. You may make extra efforts to be what your partner wants to avoid their anger and feel you’re “walking on eggshells.”
The acute stage of abusive behavior
Whether or not you notice any warning signs, this stage involves overt abuse and potentially physical violence and may last until the perpetrator gets it out of their system or you leave the relationship.
The honeymoon stage
When your partner moves into the honeymoon stage, they realize they have made a series of mistakes and show remorse for their behavior. They may apologize, try to be extra nice or loving, and show you that they’ve changed. However, the cycle often starts again.
What are the types of abusive behavior?
Abuse can cover a wide spectrum of behaviors related to power and control. Explore the different types of harmful and controlling behaviors and the signs that your partner’s behavior is abusive.
“Relationship abuse is a pattern of behaviors used to gain or maintain power and control over a partner. This can manifest in different ways. Multiple types of abuse usually occur in an abusive relationship. Understanding how abuse occurs and intersects can help you safely respond to situations.” — Types of Abuse, National Domestic Violence Hotline
Physical abuse
It can be easy to recognize physically abusive behavior because it involves the use of violence or the threat of it to take and keep power over you. You may be afraid, not knowing when they could hurt you again, which can make it easier for you to let other, more subtle abuses slide.
Signs of physical spousal abuse
- Pulling your hair, punching, slapping, kicking, biting, choking, smothering, or otherwise causing you physical harm
- Preventing you from leaving the room or the house, or contacting emergency services
- Harming your children or pets to control you
- Denying or preventing medical treatment or prescribed medication
- Using or threatening to use weapons against you
Emotional spouse abuse
Non-physical abusive behaviors are designed to isolate, control, and frighten you into behaving the way your spouse wants you to behave. This type of spousal abuse can be more challenging to identify because it’s often subtle, but it can be every bit as damaging.
Signs of emotional abuse
- Constantly calling you names and criticizing or insulting you
- Behaving with jealousy and possessiveness or accusing you of infidelity without any evidence or suspicious behavior
- Gaslighting you by trivializing your feelings and experiences, denying facts, or questioning your memory.
- Isolating you from friends, family, and other support
- Controlling what you wear, whom you talk to, or how you act
Sexual abuse
If your partner controls all the physical and sexual intimacy in your relationship without your consent, it could be abusive behavior.
Signs of sexual abuse
- Forcing or manipulating you to have sex when you don’t want to
- Holding you down during sex without your consent or otherwise violating sexual boundaries
- Making you dress in a sexual way that makes you uncomfortable
- Forcing you to watch or make pornography
Financial abuse
Your partner may exert undue power and control over the financial situation in the relationship, leaving you unable to access the money you earned or adequate access to financial support.
Signs of financial abuse
- Preventing you from checking the balance or accessing bank accounts
- Spending shared funds without speaking to you or withdrawing money for savings accounts for children, like college funds
- Refusing to provide money for shared expenses, or refusing to work
- Stealing money from you, family, or friends and leaving you to explain their behavior
- Interfering with your job or getting you fired and forcing you to work of job of their choosing
Digital abuse
While the internet can be a useful tool, it can also be used with harmful intentions. If your spouse uses technology to bully, stalk, intimidate, harass, or control you, it could be considered digital abuse.
Signs of digital abuse
- Controlling whom you talk to on social media
- Intentionally insulting or humiliating you on social media
- Making you feel that you must always instantly respond to calls or texts
- Manipulating you into sending explicit photos or videos and blackmailing you with them
- Using social media to track your interactions and activities
Sexual coercion
You may experience sexual coercion, which is a spectrum of behaviors ranging from persistent begging and persuasion all the way to forced sexual activity. Mental health experts said it can be essential to remember that you never owe your partner use of your body.
Signs of sexual coercion
- Implying that you owe them sex or that they deserve it for previous favors or gifts
- Using alcohol or substances to relax your inhibitions
- Demanding sex to “prove” your love for them
- Continuing to pressure you after you’ve said no, or using intimidation to make you afraid to say no.
- Threatening to cheat on you or leave if you don’t give them sex
Reproductive coercion
Removing your power to control your reproductive system, such as denying access to or sabotaging your birth control, persistent guilt or shame about not wanting children.
Signs of reproductive coercion
- Refusing to use a condom or allow you to use birth control
- Lying about birth control methods
- Forcing you to get pregnant or intentionally getting pregnant against your wishes
- Forcing you to have an abortion or preventing access to one
- Removing or sabotaging birth control methods
How therapy can help you recover from spousal abuse
Being abused by your spouse can be a traumatic experience that leaves you shaken, confused, and likely feeling a whirlwind of emotions. Consider working with a licensed therapist online through a virtual relationship therapy platform like Regain. Therapy can help you identify, understand, and process your emotions related to the abuse, whether you choose to stay in the relationship or not. If you do stay with your partner, you may benefit from couples therapy to establish effective communication, practical coping skills, and conflict-resolution methods.
Researchers at the American Psychological Association released studies showing that online and in-person therapy offer similar outcomes. Many patients reported shorter wait times and lower costs with remote treatment. Teletherapy platforms also offer access to a larger selection of qualified therapists, making it more likely for you to find someone who fits your personality and situation while allowing you to feel comfortable.
Takeaway
Recognizing that you’re a survivor of spousal abuse can be a hard realization. Domestic abuse isn’t always straightforward, and you may not always be able to immediately recognize it as abusive behavior. The information in this article may offer insight into identifying the signs of spousal abuse and how therapy can help you recover if you’re a survivor.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
What are the three types of emotional abuse?
Emotional abuse can take many forms, and it can be hard to identify. Emotional abuse isn’t any less damaging than physical abuse, and it’s very important to take action if you’re experiencing it. Here are three warning signs of abuse to look out for:
- Manipulation (trying to guilt you into or force you into things you don’t want to do, for instance)
- Gaslighting (denying their guilt or otherwise making you believe the problem you’ve raised isn’t real, causing you to question your perception of reality)
- Yelling, insulting, name-calling, belittling, etc.
Recognizing warning signs of domestic abuse and violence hotline resources
Again, this list is not exhaustive. It’s possible to see warning signs of abuse, emotional or otherwise, that are less conventional or perhaps even more subtle. Domestic violence and abuse are very common problems in the U.S., but many cases go unreported or unresolved.
If you see signs of domestic abuse, emotional abuse, or anything that may indicate you or someone you know is involved with an abusive partner, help is available. Domestic abuse and domestic violence can make you feel trapped in your situation or unable to seek outside assistance, but there are many resources out there to give you the support you need.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline and other resources for support
A great example is the National Domestic Hotline, which can be reached via 1-800-799-. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is free, and it can provide immediate resources and guidance for just about any situation. Taking advantage of opportunities like the National Domestic Violence Hotline is a big first step, but it’s often a necessary one.
What are the 4 main types of intimate partner violence?
The 4 main types of intimate partner violence, as outlined by the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), are as follows:
- Physical violence (physical abuse)
- Sexual violence
- Stalking
- Psychological harm
Abusive partners can practice one or more of these types of violence. Unfortunately, abuse warning signs can be hard to identify, especially if the environment you’re in further enables your abusive partner. Your partner may also toe the line between abuse that is obviously identifiable and easily hidden. An abusive partner may also force you to question your version of reality, making it difficult for you to identify abuse and what is acceptable.
If you suspect you’re dealing with abuse warning signs (or someone you know is showing signs of domestic abuse), it’s important to take action. Try and remove yourself from the situation immediately if your well-being is at risk.
Domestic abuse and domestic violence are very common worldwide, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Being aware of domestic abuse, what it looks like, and how to help combat it is a good way to start. Still, deliberate and meaningful efforts to combat domestic abuse may be necessary to address the issue fully.
How do you identify intimate partner violence?
It can be hard to identify intimate partner violence sometimes, especially if it’s a form other than physical abuse. Sometimes relationship violence can be subtle or start light and worsen over time.
If you feel afraid of your partner for any reason, it may be a sign that something isn’t right. If your partner hits you, belittles or insults you, manipulates you, sexually assaults or harasses you, excessively controls you, or displays similar behavioral patterns, you may be dealing with signs of domestic abuse.
It can be hard to come to terms with the fact that what you’re experiencing are indeed signs of domestic abuse, especially if they’ve been going on for a long time. You might feel angry with yourself or blame yourself for dealing with relationship violence. Still, truthfully, domestic violence is never the fault of the individual who experienced or is experiencing domestic violence. Being stuck in intimate partner violence is no reflection of who you are as a person or your worth. You are a human being deserving of love, and you remain deserving of love even during or after an abuse situation.
Who is at the greatest risk for intimate partner violence?
Many factors can lead an individual to be at a greater risk for intimate partner violence. The CDC suggests that individual insecurities or vulnerabilities, community, societal factors, and even relationship factors can impact an individual’s risk level.
Unfortunately, many of the risk factors that may predispose you to domestic abuse are beyond your control. Domestic violence is more common against women, for instance (though domestic violence against men does indeed happen and is a serious cause).
Those who have had abusive partners in the past also may be at a higher risk for experiencing domestic violence or domestic abuse in the future. Additionally, research suggests that domestic violence against men may be more likely in LGBTQIA+ spaces.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: immediate help for domestic abuse survivors
If you’ve identified abuse warning signs (domestic abuse or otherwise) in your own life or the life of someone you know, seeking help is crucial. Abuse warning signs should be taken seriously; even if you’re not certain it’s happening, it’s often better to feel overzealous and embarrassed for a moment than unsure and afraid for your whole life.
Those who need immediate help can turn to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-. The National Domestic Hotline provides free support and services for those who urgently need them.
How common is intimate partner violence?
Intimate partner violence and domestic abuse are, unfortunately, fairly common. Research shows that one in four women and one in nine men will experience physical or sexual violence at some point in their life. These types of violence make up a little less than a fifth of violent crimes in the U.S. Without proper efforts to address them, these issues are likely to worsen.
That’s why it’s so important to report the warning signs of abuse if you see them or if you’re experiencing the signs of domestic abuse yourself. If you’re afraid of your partner or have been dealing with domestic violence, you don’t have to be alone. There are many resources available to you, some of which are totally free.
The National Domestic Hotline, for instance, is a resource specifically meant for those who deal with domestic abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is free and can be reached at 1-800-799-.
What causes intimate partner violence?
The cause of abuse isn’t often one-dimensional; oftentimes, multiple factors and circumstances make someone more likely to be an abuser or endure domestic abuse.
Here are some common causes of intimate partner violence:
- The abuser feels that he or she must control or dominate the other person in the relationship.
- The abuser has very low self-esteem, serious problems with jealousy, or feels inferior to their partner due to their socioeconomic background or intelligence
- The abuser has anger problems or otherwise finds it difficult to manage strong emotions
- The abuser comes from a society or culture that taught him or her that their partner must be controlled, and they have the right to control their partner. This is a common belief, for example, in patriarchal cultures that consider women inferior to men. The male partner may consider it his rightful role to control, manipulate, or abuse his spouse.
- The abuser has an undiagnosed psychological disorder or personality disorder.
- The abuser grew up in a family where domestic violence was normal and accepted.
Note that all these causes start with one person: the abuser. Relationship violence, domestic violence, and abuse are never the person's fault on the receiving end.
You must take action and report the warning signs of abuse if you see them. When the warning signs of abuse go ignored, situations involving domestic violence tend to worsen.
Those dealing with domestic violence might have an especially hard time coming forward themselves. Oftentimes, they are dependent, at least to some extent, on their abuser and may even still care for them deeply. Still, domestic abuse signs are serious, can lead to severe consequences, and should not be ignored.
What are the warning signs that someone is an abuser?
What are the signs of mental abuse?
What are the behaviors that indicate emotional abuse?
How does spousal abuse affect children?
Does emotional abuse ever heal?
What does domestic abuse do to children?
What narcissistic abuse does to a woman?
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