“I Hit My Boyfriend”: Exploring Domestic Violence From The Perpetrator's Perspective

Managing your emotions in healthy, productive ways can be challenging if your partner does or says something to infuriate you, especially if you have a quick temper. Losing control and physically lashing out against your boyfriend can damage your relationship in many ways. Read on to explore domestic violence from the abuser's perspective, healthy ways to reshape violent behavior, and how therapy can support you as you learn practical methods to control your emotions.

What is domestic violence?

The United States Justice Department defines domestic violence as a pattern of abusive behaviors one partner uses to gain or maintain the power and control they forcibly wield over their partner. Domestic violence can happen to anyone without consideration for factors like gender identity, race, age, education, religion, sexual orientation, socioeconomic background, or sex. 

Types of domestic violence

“Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, psychological, or technological actions or threats of actions or other patterns of coercive behavior that influence another person within an intimate partner relationship. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone.” — U.S. Department of Justice

Domestic violence vs. intimate partner violence (DV vs. IPV)

While domestic violence can occur between any two people who reside in the same home— including children, roommates, friends, or family members—IPV can happen regardless of whether the people involved live together. Intimate partner domestic violence (IPDV) refers explicitly to abusive behavior patterns in an intimately involved couple that occurs at a single residential location. 

I hit my boyfriend once, am I an abuser?

You may instantly regret hitting your boyfriend and feel terrible about it, but striking your partner is physical abuse, and it likely isn’t the first abusive behavior you’ve demonstrated. Do you frequently scream at your boyfriend? Have you harshly criticized him, called him names, humiliated him in public, or stopped him from leaving a room? Those are all signs of abusive behaviors too. If that sounds like how you treat your boyfriend, you may want to consider giving him several heartfelt apologies and making an appointment to start anger management treatments. 

Studies show that the intention inspiring your action and its impact don’t always align. You may not have consciously intended to hurt your boyfriend physically, but you did. Now you must face the consequences of the impact of that act. 

Recognize and reshape abusive behavior patterns

People who want to reshape their violent or abusive behaviors into healthier habits can work with a licensed therapist to help them identify the underlying issues causing the adverse actions, making meaningful changes to adapt their thoughts and behavior patterns. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a frequent choice for helping angry people develop more effective emotional regulation.

Determine why you hit your boyfriend

Feeling guilty after hitting your boyfriend shows that you know the behavior was wrong and it hurt him, physically and emotionally. Start by taking responsibility for your actions. He may want some space. If so, use this time to examine why you acted violently when facing a conflict with your boyfriend.

Potential causes for violent behavior:

Childhood trauma

If you grew up in a dysfunctional home where violence was regularly demonstrated as a way to solve problems, get what you wanted, or how people in a relationship interact, it may seem like a natural way to treat your partner. However, while childhood trauma may help explain your behavior, it does not justify hitting your boyfriend. 

Believing the stigma that “men can’t be abused”

Stigmas are complex, prevalent views about a subject that are often misinterpreted or incorrect. One such stigma about males and mental health suggests that if a man is hit by his partner, he isn’t experiencing abuse. However, no one should be hit by their partner, and it is abuse no matter what the gender of either partner is. 

Anger management issues

Some people react with physical violence when they don’t know how to manage angry feelings in a healthy, productive way. 

Identify what you could have done instead

One of the crucial aspects of reshaping harmful behavior patterns is identifying how you could have acted differently. Try to pinpoint the different places in the conflict when you could have reacted with something other than anger or violence to defuse the tension. What emotions did you feel when you hit your boyfriend? Were you angry, sad, hostile, disrespected, irritated, anxious, or guilty? Knowing what emotion triggered your violent reaction can help you reshape your behavior by establishing healthy coping skills to manage your stress and control your emotions. 

Step away from the situation

One of the most effective ways to ensure you aren't violent with your partner is to step away from the situation when you feel violent urges. Tell your boyfriend that you are too upset to discuss the matter without doing or saying something you would regret, and you need some time to calm down before talking. Make it clear that you aren't walking out of the relationship; just taking a moment to calm yourself. Go somewhere safe and comfortable until your violent urges pass, and don't engage with your boyfriend until you feel you can do so calmly and without violence. 

Regulate your emotions with coping skills

Coping skills can help you manage stress and control emotional reactions by offering practical ways to direct your feelings. 

• Deep breathing exercises can help distract you from angry feelings and redirect your attention to a calming coping strategy. 
• Mindfulness, guided meditation, and yoga are popular coping skills to help manage anger because they focus intently on emotional balance and healthy regulation. 
• Journaling can be therapeutic and help you examine your emotions, triggers, and what helped you cope. 
• Going somewhere secluded and screaming into a pillow or yelling into an empty room. 
• The 5-4-3-2-1 sensory method helps you recenter your emotional state by grounding you with sensory information. Find five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can smell, two things you can hear, and one thing you can taste. 

Overcoming violent tendencies

Below are tips on how to overcome violent tendencies:

• Reach out for professional support
• Try anger management classes
• Develop a broader range of practical coping skills
• Learn to identify, understand, and express your emotions
• Recognize and address underlying issues

I hit my boyfriend: What should I do now?

While you can’t take back the decision to hit your boyfriend, you can commit to behaving in emotionally healthy ways moving forward. However, you must be prepared for him to need more than a simple apology to forgive your behavior.

Offer him a genuine apology

One of the essential parts of moving forward will be offering your boyfriend an honest, genuine apology for hitting him. Start by asking if he feels safe having a conversation with you. If he agrees, tell him you regret how you acted and are sorry. Say you know that hitting him was wrong, and he doesn't deserve to be treated that way. Commit to behaving differently in the future and follow through with any promises you make. Make it clear that you are willing to listen if he has any thoughts or feelings about the situation he’d like to express or boundaries he wants to adjust. Do not bombard him with apologies for the same incident. It may make him feel pressured into forgiving you. 

Accept his decision about how to proceed 

Your boyfriend may decide to stay with you and try to make the relationship work. He may not. Either way, you need to accept his decision about proceeding from here and respect his choice. 

Commit to getting help, whether he stays or not

Committing to getting help with your anger issues, whether he chooses to stay in the relationship or not, can be a healthy way for you to move forward. 

How therapy can help you overcome violent urges

Many people struggle to manage their anger and channel it into non-violent expressions. If you have trouble resisting violent urges, consider working with a licensed therapist online through a virtual therapy platform like Regain. Therapy can teach you practical anger management strategies to help you calm down when you're filled with rage, coping skills to help you handle stressors, and communication skills so you can express your needs to your partner and understand how to meet theirs. A qualified therapist can offer the support and guidance of a mental health professional as you learn to control your emotions by developing emotional intelligence, awareness, and literacy. Parents or guardians seeking anger management therapies for kids from 12 to 19 can contact TeenCounseling for assistance. 

Recent studies indicate no significant difference between in-person and online therapy outcomes, though virtual treatment is frequently cheaper and requires less waiting time. The record shows that couples therapy is also equally effective online and face-to-face. One massive advantage of teletherapy platforms is their connection to a comprehensive network of licensed therapists. If you don't find someone who makes you feel comfortable and understands your personality or situation on the first try, connecting with another mental health professional is simple. 

Counselor reviews

“Sessions with Natalie are very insightful and give practical advice on implementing new habits and changes. Be prepared to engage and be challenged to think in a different way. I know that my partner and I can already see improvements in our relationship and feel more positive about working through our issues together.”

“Austa has been wonderful thus far. She has helped my partner and I during an unimaginably difficult time... She has also guided us in communicating effectively and setting appropriate boundaries in our relationship. I was hesitant to pursue counseling at the beginning, but I truly believe that it is making a difference for our relationship. Austa is easy to talk to and she is a great listener. I would wholeheartedly recommend her as a counselor.”

Takeaway 

It can be challenging to think of yourself as abusive, but having a history of using threats and violence to get your way could indicate a pattern of negative behavior. The information provided in this article looks at domestic violence from a female abuser's perspective, offering some insight into this often misunderstood topic.