"I Married An Abusive Girl:" Men Are Survivors Of Domestic Violence Too

When many people hear about domestic violence or a relationship with abuse, they may tend to assume that a woman or person assigned female at birth is being abused by a man. However, that's not always the case. Even though research suggests it may not happen as often, there are certainly some men in a relationship with a controlling girlfriend or men that marry an abusive woman and experience domestic violence. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, "1 in 25 men have been injured by an intimate partner." Figures may be even higher for men who have experienced any type of abusive behavior from a partner. If you have found yourself in an abusive marriage, know that you are not alone, even if it's not something that is often discussed. There are tools that can help you get out of an abusive situation and begin to heal from it.

What is domestic violence?

Many people think of physical abuse when they hear the phrase "domestic violence." But it can be much more than that. The U.S. Department of Justice defines domestic violence as a “pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control of another intimate partner.” That means that domestic violence can involve physical abuse, but it may also take more subtle and seemingly minor forms. Nonetheless, any kind of abuse can be traumatizing, damaging to self-esteem, and overall cause harm to a person’s mental health. 

The following forms of abuse may fall under the umbrella of domestic violence:

• Physical abuse

• Sexual abuse

• Emotional abuse

• Economic abuse

• Psychological abuse

• Threats

• Stalking

• Cyberstalking

Types of abuse

Abuse can involve just about any behavior that’s meant to control, scare, or take power away from another person. Every type of abuse is inappropriate and unacceptable in a relationship. Some may be harder to spot than others, though, so it can be important to be aware of the many different forms that abusive behavior can take.

Physical abuse

Physical abuse, which most people may tend to be familiar with, usually involves a partner physically harming their spouse. This can involve things like hitting, throwing objects, physical restraint, and more. Physical abuse may leave behind marks or obvious injuries, which can sometimes make it easier to identify.

Verbal abuse

Verbal abuse in marriage or relationship typically entails one partner using their words to hurt the other person. This could include things like name-calling, threats, and belittling. While this does not necessarily leave physical signs of the abuse, over time, hearing this type of abuse can impact how a person feels about themselves. The hurtful words from a verbally abusive wife or partner can lead to things like anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.

Emotional abuse

This type of abuse often includes constantly criticizing, name-calling, manipulating, damaging property, and controlling an intimate partner. Emotional abuse might make a person feel like their needs are not valid, like they are unworthy, or like they must comply with their partner’s demands to stay safe and loved.

What does an abusive girl look like?

While some signs and types of abuse can vary between people of different genders, someone who repeatedly perpetuates abuse can generally possess the same characteristics regardless of who they are. They may be quick to anger, highly impulsive, controlling, jealous, or have a history of abuse themselves. Research suggests that women are less likely to perpetrate physical aggression as a way to control male partners, and they are also generally less likely to participate in repeated instances of abuse. But they may be more likely to perpetrate some other types of abuse, like emotional abuse, that can be harder to recognize. This fact may make it challenging for some men to recognize they’re in a toxic situation.

Here are some signs that you can look for if you think that your wife might be abusive:

• She is controlling. If your wife is abusive, then she may want to control everything in your relationship. She might want to have the final say over everything. This can include your family's finances, what you do in your spare time, and even what you wear.

• She constantly criticizes you. You may find that you can't seem to do anything right in your wife's eyes. No matter what you do, she might seem to always find a way to knock it down and criticize you in the process.

• She acts out physically. It could be that she punches the wall, pushes you or punches you, or even takes her physical anger out on the family pet.

• She's jealous of everyone. Abusive wives may be prone to jealousy. An abusive partner might be jealous of the time that you spend with family and friends, for instance, or take other steps to isolate you from others.

• She threatens you. This could mean that she threatens your physical safety, but it could also mean that she does things like threaten to leave and take the kids with her if you don't do what she wants.

What to do if you're married to an abusive girl

If you are married to an abusive wife or intimate partner, you don't need to continue to live in a toxic situation. Reaching out for professional support and removing yourself from the situation as soon as you safely can is likely the best way to move forward. Even if you want to continue the relationship, it can be important to remember that abuse can show a fundamental lack of respect for your boundaries and autonomy. Telling yourself you can fix things or make them right may do you more harm than good; it might be best to prioritize yourself and your safety before anything else.

Get support

It can be very important to have a good support system that you can turn to. This could include your family, friends, and other people you love and trust. If you feel like you need additional support, resources like The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE/7233) can offer help that might give you the guidance you need to get out of an abusive situation.

Find a shelter

If your home isn’t a safe place to be, it might be best to remove yourself, at least until you establish a better setup. If you aren't sure where to go and don't have a support system that you can turn to, you can look for a domestic violence shelter. There are beginning to be more shelters that are open exclusively to men. Other options may house people of all genders. 

Talk to a therapist

No matter where you may be at in terms of managing abuse, talking to a therapist can likely help you work through the process. In situations of isolated instances or toxic, rather than fully abusive, behavior, it may be possible to work with a therapist to address your relationship concerns without ending your marriage.

Whether you hope to talk about your relationship or find support as you leave an abusive one, online couples counseling or individual counseling can help. These sessions can provide you with a place where you can be open and honest about what you're experiencing in the relationship while having a neutral expert to help guide you through the process without judgment. Plus, online counseling can be reached from just about anywhere you can find an internet connection, which may make it easier to find support somewhere safe. 

Research indicates that online therapy options can be more cost-effective for those who seek them out. This additional perk might help you connect with someone who truly understands what you’re experiencing without having to juggle a large financial commitment. 

Takeaway

No matter who you are or who your partner may be, it can be possible to be a survivor of domestic violence. Men in relationships with abusive wives may be less likely to get the support they need or feel equipped to recognize and respond to abuse, but there are resources available to help. Reaching out and getting yourself out of the situation may be the best first step toward healing and moving on.