This Premarital Questionnaire Could Help You Prepare For Married Life

Marriage can be a lifelong process of discovery. Even if you know your partner intimately, there’s likely always something new to learn — especially since you’ll both be growing and changing. Still, it’s often a good idea to learn everything you can before embarking on your journey together. That’s why couples therapists often ask so many questions in premarital counseling. 

Even if you’re planning to see a couples counselor before you walk down the aisle, it can be a good idea to ask some of those questions before showing up to your first session. You’ll rarely regret getting more insight into how you and your partner approach money, sex, children, in-laws, and the other big questions in married life. We’ve put together a premarital questionnaire to help you discuss these topics in detail.

Questions about marriage

We’ll begin with some big-picture questions about marriage itself.

#1: What does marriage mean to you?

It can be helpful to see what first comes to mind when you and your spouse-to-be think about matrimony. Do you see it as primarily about starting a family or affirming a lifelong romantic bond? Do you view the wedding as a “happily ever after” moment or the beginning of a shared project? These aren’t mutually exclusive, but finding out which answers resonate with you the most may be informative.

#2: Why do you want to get married?

Again, though the answer might seem obvious, it can be helpful to reflect deeply on the question. It can help you avoid rushing into the wedding simply because it seemed like “the next thing to do.”

#3: What is each partner’s role in a marriage?

#4: To what are you committing when you get married?

It’s rarely a bad idea to be as explicit as possible about what you’ll be promising to your partner when you say “I do.” 

#5: What would you consider a reason for divorce?

Thinking about splitting up may not be pleasant, but with around 39% of US marriages ending in divorce, ignoring the possibility could be naive. You might need to have a frank discussion about what you think would be reasonable grounds for divorcing.

Questions about your emotional bond

In the framework of Emotionally Focused Therapy, a commonly used and evidence-backed form of couples therapy, the primary factor in a happy relationship is the emotional connection between partners. These questions are aimed at helping you nurture this bond.

#6: What do you like and admire most about your partner?

Defining the qualities that draw you most strongly to your future spouse may help deepen your love for them. And when conflicts arise, you may be able to look to these answers for a reminder of why you wanted to spend your life with them.

#7: How do you express love?

Researchers have uncovered evidence that people really do seem to have different “love languages.” Expressing love to your spouse in a way that resonates with them can be an important avenue to improve your mutual happiness.

#8: Do you have emotional needs I’m not meeting?

Though it may be a scary question to ask, it could also be a huge opportunity to improve your connection. The sooner you find out what your partner wants more of, the sooner you can start figuring out how to provide it.

#9: How do you handle conflict?

No matter how loving and cooperative your partnership is, disagreements and arguments are likely to crop up eventually. This may not even be a bad thing — some studies suggest that a willingness to speak up when you’re annoyed could be important for the health of your relationship. Still, you may benefit from taking a hard look at how you argue and how you find resolutions. You may find important ways you could improve.

Financial questions

Money problems rank high on just about any list of the most common reasons for divorce. You don’t have to be wealthy to be happily married, but it may be crucial to get on the same page about how you’ll handle your finances.

#10: What are your financial goals?

What lifestyle do the two of you want, and what will need to change for you to afford it? How much do you want to save, in what kind of home do you hope to live, and what would you like retirement to look like? Clarifying these kinds of questions up front can be vital in planning for your shared future.

#11: What accounts and assets will you share?

Some couples prefer to hold all of their property in common, but others prefer to keep some things in their own names. How will you handle this?

#12: How much debt, if any, do you have? How will you handle it?

This is another potentially awkward question that may be vital to your shared happiness. Researchers have found that there’s a direct relationship between consumer debt and marital satisfaction. It’s usually best to be clear on how much each of you owes and how you plan to manage that debt.

Questions about sex

Not everyone interested in a romantic partnership feels sexual desire and attraction, and libidos can vary a great deal among individuals. Still, for those who do want sex to be a part of their married life, sexual satisfaction can be important for maintaining a healthy relationship.

#13: What are your expectations for sex and intimacy?

Many couples can benefit from an honest conversation about what they need to feel sexually fulfilled. How often should sex happen? Who should initiate it? What might get in the way, and how will you address it?

You may also want to talk about other expressions of intimacy and desire. How important is frequent flirtation? What about non-sexual cuddling? What can you do to make your partner feel desired and loved when sex isn’t an option?

#14: What turns you and your partner on?

A surprising number of couples don’t talk in detail about what gets them in the mood and what they like in bed. This is unfortunate because the evidence suggests that better communication about sex is directly linked to a more satisfying sex life. You and your future spouse can likely benefit from addressing topics like turn-ons, foreplay, fantasies, preferred positions, and what it takes for each partner to climax.

If you’re not used to talking openly about these things, it can feel strange at first. But you may find it yields significant benefits for your intimate life.

#15: What’s out of bounds?

Setting clear boundaries in the bedroom could be even more important than discussing turn-ons. It can help you avoid uncomfortable or even traumatic misunderstandings while helping to foster trust.

You might also want to be up-front about what counts as cheating. Different couples can have very different views about this — some may be fine with polyamorous relationships or an occasional discreet fling, while others consider things like pornography and masturbation to be forms of infidelity. 

Questions about family

Your marriage may affect many other people besides yourself and your spouse. Children and in-laws can be sources of joy and stress in equal measure, so it’s probably best to give them some thought ahead of time.

#16: Do you want children? If so, how many

Few questions can have as big of an impact on your lives together as this one. You may also want to think through some related questions, like when you want to start trying for pregnancy and what family planning methods you’ll use.

#17: How will you educate and discipline your kids?

Disagreements about how to raise your children can easily spill over into larger relationship conflicts. You may be able to avoid this issue by having the discussion now. In addition to questions about discipline styles and school choice, you can also talk about what values and religious beliefs (if any) you intend to teach your children.

#18: What is your relationship with your partner’s family like?

It’s sometimes said that you don’t marry just one person — you marry a family. This may be a bit of an exaggeration, but talking about how you intend to interact with your in-laws can help you anticipate and defuse many potential conflicts. Even seemingly small things such as how to divide up holiday visits can become quite complicated later on.

Couples counseling can help you prepare for marriage

Premarital counseling can help you build on the discussions sparked by this questionnaire. It can teach you vital communication skills, deepen your emotional bond, and identify unhealthy patterns in your relationship. If you’re not sure you’ll be able to fit counseling into your schedule, you may want to consider attending online. This can be far more convenient since your sessions can take place in the comfort of your home. 

Couples therapy over the Internet might sound odd, but it can be highly satisfying and effective. A 2022 study found that online couples counseling worked just as well as in-person therapy for improving relationship satisfaction and overall mental health. Many couples even experience a greater sense of comfort with the process because the remote framework increases their sense of control.