Use A Premarital Questionnaire To Learn More About Your Partner

Learning about your partner and understanding their preferences are essential for a strong relationship. While most couples naturally learn about each other throughout the relationship, taking a questionnaire can also be very effective for discovering your partner’s likes, dislikes, and more. They can help you to cover the deep questions that might otherwise be uncomfortable to discuss.

While self-administered premarital questionnaires aren't the same as formal premarital counseling, they work towards some of the same goals. They aim to help you and your partner get on the same page about important topics, develop realistic expectations for marriage, and sort out potential conflicts before they become serious.

Working through a premarital questionnaire together could help you and your partner enjoy some of the same benefits as couples who complete premarital counseling. These include simple adjustments to the marriage, more robust communication, smoother conflict resolution, a more profound commitment to each other, and a stronger sense of working together as a team.

Here are some typical questions you’ll find on a premarital questionnaire: 

What do you see for your future?

It’s helpful for partners to understand what each wants for the future. Not all of your goals and dreams must be the same to be happy, but if they aren’t at least compatible, it could create complications in the relationship later. 

As you discuss the future, note how similar dreams and goals can cause potential stress. For example, it's exciting to find a partner with the same drive for a high-powered career as you have, but in certain situations, it may contribute to complications in your future family life, regardless of if kids are in the picture or not.  A strong, flexible relationship can overcome and accommodate many differences. However, this is easier if you know these differences before becoming an issue and have a game plan for working them out.

What are your expectations for the relationship?

Understanding your mutual expectations for the relationship can help build a strong foundation. Expectations can take many forms, from social roles to household tasks to romantic availability. Discussing these expectations can help you accept areas where your expectations may not be met, find places to compromise, and learn what your partner expects from you.

Some people may have unrealistic expectations about marriage and their partner’s role. Sometimes these expectations are even subconscious, and the reasons we may feel resentment or trepidation aren’t always clear. By discussing them ahead of time, you'll be able to form realistic and healthy expectations that can help you build a strong marriage.

How will you manage your finances?

Do you and your partner want separate accounts and keep your money separate? Will one of you work and the other stays home? Will you pool all your money into a joint account so that you can divide it? These issues will be necessary for your relationship in the future, and while many of them could work for you, choosing one is important.

Our family often sets up our expectations about finances and social examples growing up. If your partner doesn't have the same expectations about finances, it isn’t necessarily a sign that they don't trust you or that something is wrong with your relationship. Most of the time, it simply means they had a different family or social example. It's important to be willing to compromise to find a financial setup you and your partner feel comfortable with.

What do your marriage vows mean to you?

Marriage can mean different things to different people. Understanding what those vows mean to you is crucial to a solid foundation. Ensure that each of you considers what you want your relationship to look like and what you'll be willing to accept.

For example, one of the most important things to discuss in your relationship is your view on monogamy. Defining the sexual and emotional boundaries of your relationship is crucial to its success. Even if you both agree that monogamy is important, it might be necessary to establish what the term means to each of you.

A realistic discussion about your marriage vows' “technical side” might feel like a heavy subject to discuss during the romantic engagement period. Still, it can be an important tool for keeping the love alive long-term.

What are the most important things to you?

Do you have specific things that are more important in your life than anything else? If you don’t already know or aren’t entirely sure, find out what’s important to your mate and how those things may compare. Be sure to discuss which you will work towards first and how they will play a part in your life.

Like your goals and dreams, you don't need to share the same most important things. It’s just as important that you’re willing to support each other's pursuit of what matters to each of you. Establishing that your important things aren't mutually exclusive is also a good idea. Some potentially important areas to consider include religion, hobbies, lifestyle, and friends.

Some of these areas are more difficult to compromise on than others, but many couples have built successful marriages that include significant differences in these areas. This is more likely if you find these differences early and make space for discussion and compromise in your relationship.

What will your living arrangements be?

Are you going to move into their place? Are they going to move into yours? You may be planning to get an entirely new home that's just for the two of you. Do you have different plans if you have children? Or other plans if you get a new job or promotion? Knowing these things will be necessary for your future.

In addition to the big question of where you will live as a couple, it's good to know each other's expectations for using the new space. If you feel a deep need for your own space, it's good to be clear about this early on so that you can decide on the best use of your living area. Deciding on your living arrangements now can help you avoid potentially unpleasant surprises in the sometimes-stressful adjustment period after marriage. Most differences in expectations can be resolved with negotiation early on, and your premarital prep time is an ideal place to do that.

What is your communication style?

While there may be some debate over whether good communication creates a more harmonious relationship or if a balanced relationship cultivates better communication- there is no doubt that healthy communication is often the foundation of a happy relationship. It can be difficult to resolve conflict or reach compromises if you have communication challenges, leading to misunderstandings resulting in hurt feelings or long-term resentment. 

If you tend to be very direct and assertive, your partner could mistake this for aggression. By contrast, if your partner makes their needs and wishes known very indirectly, you might not even realize that they're asking for something. Like most questions on this list, you and your partner can have a different communication style. All you need is to understand each other's style and be willing to learn to listen to what the other person is saying.

Online therapy: A space to learn more about your partner

The questions featured above are only a few examples of what you may find in a premarital questionnaire. For a more thorough examination, you can search the internet and find dozens of couples therapy questionnaire to help you prepare for marriage.

As you work through these lists of questions, you may find a few “snags” where you and your partner have difficulty resolving differences, coming to a compromise, or understanding each other. In some cases, couples seek the advice of a trained relationship therapist to help them work through these issues. Many therapists and counselors offer specific premarital counseling that addresses the topics that a questionnaire might cover but in much more depth. Formal premarital counseling also has the advantage of being guided by a professional who can help you discuss issues effectively and resolve conflicts.

With the rise of the popularity of online therapy, many couples choose to use platforms like Regain to match with an experienced, licensed relationship counselor. Online therapy allows couples to book appointments on a schedule that’s convenient for them from the comfort of home or anywhere with a reliable internet connection. For some, online therapy is also more affordable than traditional counseling without insurance. 

A growing body of research suggests that online couples therapy is as effective as conventional in-person therapy. For example, a 2021 Australian study measured the progress both during and three months after treatment of 30 couples participating in online therapy over six sessions. The couples reported significant satisfaction with the therapeutic process and showed considerable adherence to the treatment plan throughout the six sessions and beyond.  

Takeaway

If you’re ready to take the next step in your relationship and prepare for married life, a premarital questionnaire can be an excellent tool to set you up for success. If you’d like to lay a more solid, lasting foundation for your future together, speak with a professional counselor experienced in helping couples with premarital preparation.