Potential Problems With Blended Families: Diverse Parenting Styles And More
If you already have a blended family or you're thinking about blending your family with your partner’s, it can be wise to consider the problems you could run into. After all, it is natural to want to make sure that your family will be healthy, happy, and a strong, cohesive unit. If either of you has gone through a divorce, it’s important to acknowledge how that history may impact how your family adjusts. Going into the situation feeling prepared can set you and your family members up for success and help you solve issues that may arise along the way. Blended families often thrive when married partners stay open to communication and work together as a united team. So, just what should you know? What are other blended families facing, and how can you prevent those problems from affecting your own family?
Potential problems with blended families
It can be exciting and rewarding to bring two families together into a blended family. However, it can also come with certain pitfalls that may make the transition less smooth for the parents and the children. If one or both partners have been through a divorce, lingering concerns or habits from the past can sometimes complicate how the new family adjusts. The following are potential problems that are often associated with blended families.
Not being on the same page
In order for your children to mesh well, it can be important for both married partners and parents to present a strong and united front. Before beginning to parent together, it can be helpful to sit down and decide what that process will look like. Each of you can make firm decisions together about how to raise the children and what to do if and when they misbehave. If you decide that you're only going to be responsible for your children and your partner is only responsible for theirs, this can be a viable option. However, you may want to agree on punishments for specific situations so that the children don't feel that one or the other is getting treated differently.
Trying to continue as you were
You and your partner are now responsible for a larger family. It can be crucial to talk about how this will change your relationship and your lives. It may not be helpful to assume that things will continue as they were before. Your family and married life is going to change and be different, and that means the process might involve situations you’ve never experienced before. You'll likely need to work with your new partner to figure out how you're going to handle life's daily activities and everything that needs to be done. If one of you was a single parent before, adjusting to a shared household may require extra effort. Take time to make room for everyone’s space and preferences to make the transition smoother.
Interactions with ex-partners
Whether your partner has a positive relationship with their ex-spouse or not, that person may be an official part of your family from now on. Just like your ex-spouse might be a part of your family forever, you may need to accept their ex into the family as well. It might be difficult to work with them positively and healthily. Still, it can be essential to your family's overall health and your relationship with your step-children. Healthy co-parent communication can make a big difference in how smoothly the family dynamic functions. If interactions with an ex-spouse feel tense, focusing on your kids' well-being can help you maintain peace.
Trouble sharing parenting duties
It can be difficult for you to let your partner be a parent to your biological children. Understand that the same could be true for them. To prevent hurt feelings, resentment, or misunderstandings, try to practice open communication. Setting healthy boundaries around children can also be beneficial. If your partner brings up a concern about your children, or vice versa, try to remain patient with another. Avoid taking these comments personally or feeling attacked unless, of course, their comments are abusive or unfair.
Outside opinions
Other people may make comments about your family. Whether they are part of your family or completely outside of your family, they may have things to say and opinions to give. This can be true even of non-blended families. Someone may ask you which children are 'yours,' or they may be surprised by the large number of children that you have. They may make negative comments because of how many children you have. Some families even joke about feeling like a modern Brady Bunch, but comments about the size of the family or “which kids belong to whom” can feel intrusive. Devise a plan for these kinds of situations and have open conversations with your children when they do occur.
Sibling rivalry
Just as in non-blended families, sometimes the children don’t get along with one another. Even if your children and their children were the best of friends before the two of you became one family, it doesn't mean that you're necessarily going to blend together with no problems. If your children are close to the same age, this can be even more challenging. It can be helpful to introduce traditions, such as game nights or movie marathons, to create positive experiences that bring everyone together.
Negative mental health effects due to preferential treatment
When it comes to blending families, it can be crucial to make sure that you pay attention to each child equally within the family. Keep in mind that you are responsible for all children in the same way your partner is. That means you're probably going to need to find a way to spend some time with each of the children in a positive way. Kids need to feel safe, cared for, and like they belong. Understand that since they are all going to be your children now, it can be vital to help them feel welcomed and loved by you as well as their biological parents.
Lack of communication with children
Your children may feel a certain type of way about this new relationship and their new family. That means you're likely going to need to sit them down and talk to them about what this will mean for them, their siblings, and you as their parent. Talk to them about how you are now one family, which means you're going to be treating all of your children (them and your new step-children) the same way. Take the time to answer all of their questions and explain that you love them and that although things will be different from now on, it can still be a positive change for everyone. Keeping the conversation open will help them feel heard.
Differing parenting styles
If you didn't have any children of your own before this relationship, it might not be easy to suddenly become a mother or father. You may not know how to parent or feel unsure about what your role will be. Parenting can be difficult, even if you’ve had experience with it before. Trying to replace their other parent or disciplining them harshly may not win you any favor. It can be important to talk with your partner about your responsibilities as a new parent and what it means to step into this family.
Insufficient understanding between step-children and step-parents
Being part of a brand-new family can be difficult for everyone. Understand that your step-children (and your children) may be going through a difficult time and experiencing a lot of conflicting, complex emotions. They may struggle with how to accept you as their parent while they still have another parent. They may not know how they feel about you because they don’t want to be disloyal to another parent. Some may even see you negatively, particularly in the beginning. They might struggle with the new family dynamic or not want to share their parent’s attention and their lives with you. All of these things can make it hard for your relationship, but if you can understand and be patient with them, the situation can turn around and improve over time.
Underestimating the work involved
Recognize that there can be a learning curve when forming a blended family. There may be times at the beginning when you or your partner don't know how to react. There may also be times when you make mistakes. This is natural; you are both human. Be open and honest about all of these things, and try to be willing to make changes throughout the blending process. Talk to the children, especially about mistakes made and what you're going to change going forward. This can help your relationships to continue to grow and may allow the family to thrive with more ease.
Trouble with change
The textbook definition of a blended family may still look starkly different from your own. Likewise, the definition of a blended family won’t help you deal with the problems that arise within your own. You’ll probably face many unique situations from other families and not know exactly how to handle them. Working with your partner, you can figure out what steps to take to solve them. While you may not be able to rely on traditional family advice, you can still learn along the way and do your best to create a family you can be proud of.
How online therapy can help
If you're struggling with your new family and your new relationships, you may consider seeking family counseling, couples therapy, or individual counseling. You can participate in online therapy through Regain, which offers guidance to couples, married partners, and individuals alike. Starting a blended family can be time-consuming and feel overwhelming at times, especially if there are unresolved concerns. However, online counseling allows you to prioritize what matters most and meet at a time that works for everyone. You can participate in sessions from the comfort of your home or anywhere else you have Wi-Fi, often making it easier and more convenient to get the support you need. Whether you're married or just entering a serious relationship, having a neutral space to discuss your emotions can make a huge difference.
The efficacy of online therapy
Those experiencing problems blending their family with their significant other’s may benefit from online counseling. Researchers have studied the efficacy of web-based programs for couples experiencing relational distress. One study showed how an internet-based intervention was successful in increasing relationship satisfaction and reducing overall psychological distress. It also improved participants’ symptoms of anxiety and depression, helping them feel more connected and less alone in their challenges.
Takeaway
It can be important to remember that everyone is learning within a blended family. This situation is new for married partners or couples and their children alike, and bringing everyone together can involve difficult emotions. However, committing to the process and practicing patience can help your family thrive. If you’ve tried everything you can to hold your blended family together without seeing results, confiding in an online counselor could be a helpful next step to take. In many cases, family therapy can effectively solve problems, improve communication, and allow the whole family to grow together.
Frequently asked questions (FAQ) about raising a blended family
What are some potential problems with blended families?
There are many reasons to explain why blended families can be so difficult. First, blended families often feel as if they have no voice. Their family has suddenly grown, and they now must share everything with other stepkids that they may hardly know. This type of family dynamic could be challenging for anyone to get used to.
Family relationships, especially within the nuclear family, can also wreak havoc on blended families. This is because parents often show favoritism toward their biological children, even if they don’t mean to do so. Another common problem blended families face is clashing parenting styles and discipline strategies. Co-parenting between an ex-spouse and a new spouse can become even more difficult when disagreements about household rules arise.
Extended family can also add to the challenges of adjusting to a blended family. Navigating relationships with new stepchildren and new family members can be a lengthy adjustment period. Although blended families can be a success, it can be easy to see why they can also be challenging.
What percentage of marriages in blended families end in divorce?
The statistics reveal that about 30% of blended families survive and stay together long-term. Maintaining a strong marriage often requires extra effort due to stress from previous relationships and the need to balance old and new family dynamics.
There are many resources that can help a blended family survive and attain improved family dynamics. Family counseling is just one tool that can be effective in helping family members begin to understand each other, communicate more openly, and form stronger relationships with one another. It can also assist with the unique problems blended families may face.
If co-parenting is successful, the family’s lives can become more stable and fulfilling. It’s also helpful to engage in a family ritual or rituals like regular family meals or a weekly game night to create new traditions and strengthen the family’s connection.
How long does it take for blended families to adjust?
It can take a blended family as long as 10 years to bond, build up trust, and be considered a “happy family,” but every family is different. On average, it takes one to two years to settle in. Therefore, it can be helpful to go into the situation with realistic expectations, knowing that it’s unlikely that everyone will get along perfectly within only a few weeks or months. Instead, put plans in place for problems that are likely to come up.
When dealing with discipline, display a united front with your new spouse in front of the kids and work together on how you want to handle disagreements. Even when differences arise, staying on the same page helps ensure a smoother transition for the new family unit. Be sure to display a united front with your spouse in front of the kids and work together to determine how you want to handle discipline issues. While this might lead to a bit of conflict between the two of you initially, it may be helpful for your family if everyone is on the same page.
How can a blended family successfully bond?
For a blended family to be successful, it can be important for each member to have respect and empathy for one another. To create stronger bonds, the new household can benefit from shared activities like theme park day or family birthday celebrations. Next, you may be able to avoid some of the common problems blended families face if you define each parent’s clear roles and keep your marriage strong. If the marriage isn’t strong, the family may have a smaller chance of surviving.
A stepchild set on their old lives may have difficulty accepting the changes, so they also need reassurance as they adapt to the new family dynamic. If there’s an ex-spouse involved, maintaining respectful interactions helps the entire family. Make a point of setting up bonding activities for the entire family to participate in as well. Try to ensure that family relationships with exes (the kids’ other parents) remain civil, and practice open communication between the two families.
What are the disadvantages of a blended family for the children and each parent?
There are pros and cons to all types of families; blended families are no different. Some of the disadvantages of a blended family could be increased sibling rivalry, identity confusion for younger kids, legal issues, financial troubles, and the negative effects of clashing parenting styles. Other blended family problems include the fact that children in blended families may not accept a new stepparent or their new stepsiblings. School problems and emotional issues can also arise as children struggle to adapt.
However, blended families can bring plenty of positives, such as more emotional and financial support, new perspectives on everyday life, and additional role models. The real-life process may not look perfect, but patience and co-parenting can lead to rewarding relationships.
Who should come first in a blended family?
In a blended family, which family should come first? Should it be your nuclear family, your stepfamily, or your spouse? Experts agree that your family should put your marriage first. Without a healthy marriage as its foundation, the family may not function as well as it could. Types of families with a strong marriage are more likely to succeed.
While it might seem logical to put the children first, this can lead to marriage problems, reflecting negatively on the children and other family relatives. Additionally, if the marriage fails, the children in question may only face another loss. Prioritizing the new spouse and using co-parenting strategies with the ex-spouse helps balance the needs of the new family members. Therefore, it can be crucial to maintain a healthy marriage and use effective communication skills to keep the blended family not just surviving but thriving.
What are the consequences of blended families?
One of the consequences of blended families is that both the parents and the kids must face challenges and adjustments to new relationships and new setups. Children may also find it hard to accept a new stepparent as the one in charge, whereas the stepparents may have a hard time parenting unfamiliar children.
For siblings, new dynamics may create tension as they adjust to parenting changes in their day-to-day lives. This can be especially true when there are upcoming changes, like having your partner's children overnight or adjusting to shared spaces. Small steps, like involving the kids in planning regular family meals to encourage healthy eating habits, can foster a sense of unity and help everyone adapt to necessary adjustments.
Effective co-parenting also helps create consistency, making it easier for kids to feel secure in their routines. Setting clear family rules and keeping communication open helps ease misunderstandings and builds trust between the two families. With time, consistency, and a strong foundation, blended families can create a thriving and supportive new unit.
Questions to ask your therapist about blended families
What are the mental health effects of blended families on children?
Adjusting to new family members and navigating two sets of household rules can feel overwhelming for kids. They may experience anxiety, confusion, or frustration, especially if they're unsure of their place in the new family unit. When biological parents and stepparents work together to maintain consistent family routines, it provides a sense of stability that supports the children's well-being. Simple things like establishing regular family meals can make everyday life feel more predictable.
To ease the transition, co-parenting effectively—especially when involving an ex-spouse—helps the child feel supported by all caregivers. Family rituals like a weekly game night or celebrating a family birthday can strengthen bonds and give the child something to look forward to.
How can differing parenting styles make it harder to raise a blended family?
Differing approaches to parenting can create tension between new family members and cause confusion for kids. If one parent enforces strict household rules while the other is more lenient, children may struggle to know what's expected of them. It's important for the family unit to have open conversations to create shared guidelines.
Successful co-parenting means compromising and finding a way to align on important issues, from healthy eating habits to screen time rules. Many couples find that creating structured time together—like visiting a theme park or starting a family ritual—can help bridge gaps in parenting differences. Building this shared foundation supports a smoother transition into the new household.
How can a child in a blended family connect with their new parent?
Building trust with a new stepparent takes time and patience. Encourage shared activities that fit into daily life situations—like cooking together or running errands—to foster familiarity. It's also helpful to give the child space to adjust at their own pace.
When new stepsiblings are part of the new family, shared experiences like planning a family birthday or visiting a theme park can help strengthen bonds. For the child, having both their new spouse and their biological parents involved in family time can make the experience feel more inclusive.
New stepchildren may need reassurance about their place in this new life—consistent support and kindness will go a long way. Accepting their feelings without judgment and helping them see the other's point during conflicts helps create mutual respect and connection.
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