30 Helpful Tips To Ease Blending Family Issues
Blended families are becoming more and more common in today's world. A blended family consists of two partners who have joined and one or both of them already have children. They may go on to have a child together to add to the family unit. Stepfamilies are similar to blended families.
Blending families can be difficult to do, and it can take time for all family members to live harmoniously. If you're experiencing blended family issues, you're certainly not alone. According to Smart Stepfamilies, about a third of all weddings today mark the start of blended families or stepfamilies. In fact, Pew Research reports that one of every six children lives in a blended family. Blended families form under a variety of circumstances.
Blended family issues
It's common for a woman or man who has children to marry someone that also has children. Whether their children are near the same age or not, there can be problems, including sibling rivalry, which may be especially prevalent if the children are close in age. In their desire to be together, parents sometimes overlook the fact that their children need time to adjust to their parents having someone new and special in their lives. Kids may also feel like they have divided loyalties with their other parents.
Parents also have challenges under these circumstances. Both spouses have to get used to parenting the other's children which can sometimes involve blending different parenting styles. All around, the adjustment requires large doses of support between married partners.
Another situation that forms blended families is when a parent marries a new partner who has not yet had children. It's challenging enough to adjust to married life. It's even more difficult to adjust to being an "instant parent." The new spouse can easily end up overwhelmed and frustrated as the reality of childcare sets in. Kids may not be overjoyed in the beginning, either. Kids may rebel at a new parent imposing structure or discipline.
What can lead to blended families?
Divorces and deaths can also lead to blended families. Either way, kids will need to go through a grieving process, which can be difficult to do when a new partner comes on the scene.
When do blended families occur?
Blended families' issues may also occur when parents with adult children marry each other. Adult children may not approve of the marriage or worry that their parents are being taken advantage of. The reality is that adult children don't have as much time or exposure to the new spouse, which can make it more difficult to bond and connect with the new blended family.
Marrying someone who has adult children may also put one or both spouses in the situation of being grandparents for the first time, and that can go over well or not so well. Older adults will likely have decided who will inherit their money, assets, and possessions. Marrying someone later in life may cause adult children to be concerned (often rightly) about losing their inheritance to the new blended family members.
Regardless of any blended family issues that may be present, parents and children need to be patient with one another as their relationships grow and develop. Read along for 30 tips for managing issues with family blending.
30 tips for managing blending family issues
1. During the dating stage, it's nice to treat your fiancée's children to special activities, but daily family life isn't always so exciting. As the marriage date draws closer, ask your future children to accompany you on errands like grocery shopping, gardening, or getting the oil changed in the car.
2. When your future spouse doesn't have children, take charge and do most of the parenting and discipline in the beginning. Give your sweetheart and your kids time to adjust and get acquainted before having to deal with anything heavy.
3. Whether one or both of you bring children into the marriage, encourage children to be respectful to the new spouse. Ask them to show the same respect to your spouse that they'd show to a teacher, pastor, police officer, or other trusted adult.
4. Avoid inside jokes and excessive personal storytelling—it can leave the new members of the family feeling isolated and left out.
5. New stepparents need to spend a little one-on-one time with stepchildren. Their stepparenting technique should keep it light and without discipline.
6. To keep the bond strong, biological parents also need to spend a little more time with the children when a new adult relationship becomes serious.
7. When kids have to adjust to a blended family, big feelings can sometimes explode over smaller issues. All parents need to recognize that kids may be upset over something other than the reason they give you. Just be ready to offer sympathy and comfort.
8. Take some pressure off children by having the "What do I call my stepparent?" conversation as soon as the marriage is imminent. Help them come up with something comfortable for everyone.
9. Parents need support, too, when blended family issues get tough. Both parents should be good listeners and cry, talk, and laugh about how difficult it is to blend families.
10. Find some family activities that everyone enjoys and start making new memories.
11. Keep the rules, rewards, and consequences the same for everyone and be consistent.
12. Recognize that the formation of a blended family could change the hierarchy among siblings. The oldest could become the youngest in a blended family. Tender issues are cause for extra doses of understanding.
13. Tensions in blended families can easily arise when one or more children have a special talent. Be sure to acknowledge all children's talents and strengths and not let the star baseball player get all the glory.
14. Stepparents will need to work on building a relationship with their stepchildren before they've earned the trust and respect that's required for them to discipline a stepchild effectively.
15. Holidays are special times with favored traditions for families. Blending families means blending traditions. Encourage everyone to be open about trying new traditions and being respectful of those who want and need to preserve their traditions.
16. Avoid using phrases like "my kids" and "your kids" as much as possible, especially where blame may be involved. A phrase like "our kids" gives a stronger impression that all of them are loved and accepted on an equal level.
When children lose a biological parent through divorce or death, their feelings about new parental figures can be strong and sensitive for a while. The next set of tips will help everyone move forward together:
17. If there's time before the marriage, give the new parent time to step into your child's life as a friend or mentor. While you may be ready to move forward after a death or divorce, children may need more time to resolve their feelings. If it doesn't happen before the marriage, allow your child and spouse time to form relationships before pressing the idea that it's a parent-and-child relationship.
18. Don't expect children to take down photographs and mementos of their other parents. In building a new relationship, refrain from tearing down old relationships, especially those with your spouse's ex and the ex-in-law side of the family.
19. While you don't want to avoid the topic of your ex-spouse, don't allow children to build a shrine around their other parent or over-idolize them. Too great of a focus on the ex-spouse can put up a barrier in the new relationship.
20. Try to find some common ground to connect with your new stepchildren. Find out what activities they enjoy and discover some that you can enjoy together. Don't try to replicate their relationship with the divorced or deceased parent. Create a new relationship that reflects the bond between you and the child.
When a parent who has adult children marries, it isn't easy to predict their reaction. In the best-case scenario, they'll be supportive. However it shakes out, it's best to keep the lines of communication open and start the process of building relationships. Here are some tips to help navigate these types of blended families:
21. Reach out to adult children in some way at least weekly to keep in touch.
22. Make use of technology. Call on a mobile phone or use apps like Snapchat, Facebook Video, Google Duo, or Marco Polo.
Regardless of how blended families come together, everyone can help promote healthy new relationships with tips like these:
23. Expect conflict. Respond to it with heavy doses of grace.
24. Don't expect all relationships in a blended family to grow at the same rate.
25. Take each relationship at face value and nurture individual relationships.
26. Don't shut out your spouse in favor of the children. Plan intentional time for just the two of you, even if it's just a monthly walk.
27. Avoid the temptation to judge too quickly. Be curious instead. "I wonder if you're upset about something other than spilled milk?"
28. One family should never feel like it's being engulfed by the other. Allow each family relative to retain some sense of themselves.
29. Use humor and playfulness to break the tension.
30. You don't have to take on the responsibility of blending families alone. A couples therapist from Regain is eager to help your blended family work together with honesty and respect.
Get online support for easing issues when blending your family
It isn't easy blending families, but the support you need is out there.
Regain is an online therapy platform that offers therapy to both individuals and those in all kinds of relationships. It's both affordable and convenient. You can meet at a time that works for your schedule, and you can have sessions anywhere there's an internet connection.
Benefits of online therapy
Online therapy grows more popular every year. There are many types of issues that can be managed through online therapy. No matter where you're located or how many people are participating, online therapy offers a safe way to improve mental health and increase communication between loved ones.
Takeaway
Remember that relationship-building takes time. Don't expect your families to unite overnight. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry states that it can take a year or two for blended families to adjust well. A licensed therapist may be just what everyone needs to feel safe and happy moving forward.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) on blended family issues
Read more below for answers to questions commonly asked about blended families.
What does "blended family" mean?
The Merriam-Webster dictionary definition of a blended family is "a family that includes children of a previous marriage of one spouse or both."
What's an example of a blended family?
One example of a blended family would be one parent who has had a divorce getting married to another parent who has had a divorce. However, a blended family might also mean a parent who has had a divorce getting married to a parent who was never married previously. One might have kids, and one might not. As long as a family includes at least one child from a previous partnership, it's considered a blended family.
What is the success rate of blended families?
One out of every three people in the United States of America is part of a blended family, so it's not at all uncommon to be part of a blended family. While it's hard to find a definite statistic due to the varying nature of blended families and what a blended family may entail, the information we have on blended families provides an estimate and projects a divorce rate for a stepfamily that may range anywhere from about 45 to 60%. The rate is somewhat dependent on factors of the new family dynamic such as if it's a first marriage, a second marriage, a third marriage, and so on. If in a second marriage, both partners have kids, the divorce rate is 70%, making the success rate 30%. That said, a successful blended or stepfamily is possible.
Why are blended families so difficult?
A blended family may face several issues. The issues a blended family faces may include but aren't limited to difficulty with new stepsiblings or trouble getting along with new family relations, jealousy from an ex-partner, disparities in habits or responsibilities of new individuals, difficulty navigating parenting within the new family dynamic, and so on.
Who comes first in a blended family?
Many experts highlight the importance of nurturing your relationship with your spouse when you're in a new family dynamic as a blended family. It's important that you have a healthy relationship, which will support the new family dynamic that comes from having a blended family overall. If you have trouble with a new family dynamic, or if your kids are struggling with the new family dynamic, seeing a professional such as a licensed marriage and family therapist can help. Family therapy is beneficial for family relationships whether or not you have a blended family and can help with many issues that people may face in a blended family. To find a family therapist near you, you can ask for a recommendation, find a list of family therapists using an online directory, conduct a web search, or use various other resources.
What are the advantages of a blended family?
Whether they come from a blended family or a traditional nuclear family, loving family relationships are something that nothing else compares to. That's the ultimate benefit of a blended family. Additional benefits of a blended family may include a better financial situation due to the combining of bills and multiple household incomes, more support for the family a new positive role model for the kids, and more help and support with daily chores and tasks.
What are the most common blending family issues?
The difficulty of establishing new family roles and relationships is the most common issue in blending families. This is because when two different families are blended, it means merging two different family cultures, traditions, routines, and expectations, which often results in confusion or conflict.
- Previous Article
- Next Article