How To Live With A Dysfunctional Family

When you think of a dysfunctional family, you may imagine a sitcom where the family goes through all sorts of problems, only to have them resolved within the 20-minute episode. The dysfunctional family trope came as a response to other sitcoms depicting the family as wholesome and always together. In reality, families will have all sorts of problems that don't always get resolved.

Growing up as a family member in a dysfunctional family can be exhausting. If you’re wondering what the signs of a dysfunctional family are and what you can do to cope with your dysfunctional family dynamics, keep reading to learn all there is to know about the dysfunctional family.

What is a dysfunctional family?

What is the line between functional and dysfunctional families? Some would look at a family that bickers every once in a while as dysfunctional. In contrast, others may believe there would need to be more persistent difficulties to be classified as dysfunctional.

In a dysfunctional family, there may be persistent patterns of conflict or instability.

It is essential to acknowledge that there are different levels of dysfunctionality. Some families may be strong but have minor levels of family dysfunction. For example, the siblings may occasionally fight, or the parent overreacts to a situation. In extreme examples, a parent may have an untreated mental illness or a substance use disorder significantly affecting the family dynamic.

What can cause a family to be dysfunctional?

Let's look at a few reasons why a family may be dysfunctional.

A cycle

A family is often dysfunctional because it always has been that way. Your parents may have had dysfunctional parents, and they learned from them. Without examples of healthy relationships, these cycles can be challenging to break. No matter how often the children swear they won't grow up to be like their parents, they may do just that.

Mental illnesses

Mental illness can cause a family to be dysfunctional, especially if the mental illness runs in the family and is undiagnosed. Various dysfunctional family characteristics are deeply rooted in it. Anger issues can cause conflict and abuse. Depression can make the family lose all motivation to get better. Bipolar disorder means that the family may experience many emotional highs and lows. These mental health issues may be especially present in poorer families, who may not have the means to seek their illnesses.

Other illnesses

Any illness can cause a conflict in the family. For example, if one parent becomes disabled, the family's income and structure can be affected. The parent may become angrier over being disabled, and the anger climaxes.

Addiction

Mom unwinding the day with a glass of wine and dad having a beer after a hard work day isn't bad. However, if that alcohol consumption becomes excessive, it can lead to dysfunction in the family unit. Addiction can be expensive and alter the parents' mood, making them abusive or neglectful.

Another situation

Sometimes, a life situation can cause a family to be dysfunctional. If one parent has a great job and then loses the job, the income lost can stress the family. If the family moves, the children may become dysfunctional over coping with being in a new place and losing their old friends. Sometimes, a situation can make family members temporarily dysfunctional. When the children adjust to their new home, the family may settle down again.

Traits of dysfunctional families

If you're still unsure whether or not your family is dysfunctional, here are some traits of dysfunctional families you should look for.

• There is extreme conflict and hostility present. 
• There is unequal treatment going on in the family. One sibling may be treated well or considered the golden child, while the other may be ignored or forgotten (aka, the lost child).
• There is a lack of boundaries, or boundaries are not respected.
• There is an emphasis on perfectionism and insistence on unrealistic expectations.
• There is physical and emotional abuse present.

Impact of living with a dysfunctional family

As you can imagine, living with a dysfunctional family can harm a child's well-being. Some adult children can move on from their family and start their own lives, but others may be troubled by their pasts. They may grow up to raise dysfunctional families themselves or end up with low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, or a slew of other mental disorders.

For many, toxic family dynamics become a cycle. You may swear that you're not going to grow up like your family, but the cycle may be difficult to break, and you may have your own traits that make your family dysfunctional, whether you're aware of them or not.

How to live with a dysfunctional family

You may not know what to do if you're in the middle of a dysfunctional family. Here are some ways you can cope.

Observe your family and take note

Sometimes, your family may be dysfunctional but not even know it. In a stressful time, few have the self-awareness to evaluate their actions and take measures to stop them. One way you can help is by gaining awareness of toxic behaviors. Record them through video, writing, or any other way. Once you have enough, talk with them.

Don't sound accusatory

One way you can win people over is with honey rather than vinegar. If you start accusing them of their negative actions, they may become defensive even if you're in the right. Instead, focus on using "I" messages. Explain to your family how their actions make you feel. You may be surprised at how often people will listen when you change the language while not changing the point.

Realize that some people won't change

Say your parents are dysfunctional. In the perfect world, you could talk to them about their problems; they would realize their faults and put in the work to change. However, this is not how the world works. 

Acceptance

One thing that can help you to heal is acceptance. If you endured trauma within your family, it's okay to accept that you were hurt and how it has impacted you. A large part of the healing process is validating your emotions and experiences. Working with a therapist can help you process the trauma you experienced and begin to heal.

Self compassion

If you were a child who grew up in a dysfunctional family, you might blame yourself for the tension in the family, but it is crucial to acknowledge that you didn't cause it. Use self-compassion to work through your trauma. It's essential to forgive yourself, especially if you somehow contributed to the dysfunction. Parents in dysfunctional families may avoid their roles. They may become so self-involved that they don't care for their kids properly. If you were a child in this environment and you're hurting as an adult, that's natural. It's okay to validate your emotional pain. Try your best to be kind to yourself in this process.

Find healthy ways to cope

Some people cope in an unhealthy manner by using drugs or alcohol or making self-destructive decisions. Instead, focus on healthier forms of coping. For example, try making some art to express yourself. Write a story on your computer. Paint some pictures. Express your feelings online. Find a friend to whom you can relate. These strategies can help you manage the difficult emotions you may be experiencing without doing something harmful to you or others.

Online therapy can help

If you believe you may have a dysfunctional family, consider family therapy. A therapist can sit down with the family, individually or all at once, and provide a safe space for addressing concerns within the unit. A therapist can bring an outside perspective, providing guidance and tools for your family to move toward reparation and healing.

Online therapy is an effective and accessible option to consider. With online therapy, you attend sessions from the comfort of home or anywhere you have an internet connection, which is incredibly convenient if your family attends sessions together but does not live in the same house or even the same city. You’re matched with a qualified, vetted counselor when you sign up so you can get started right away. Research shows that not only is online family therapy effective, but it may also have advantages over in-person treatment, including ease of talking and revealing vulnerabilities. If you’re interested in online therapy for your family or yourself, get started with Regain.

Takeaway

If you had a dysfunctional family in the past that is negatively impacting your health or relationships, a therapist could help you process these challenges to work through past pain and look forward to the future.