How To Stop Enabling Grown Children And Encourage Personal Development
If you have children of any age, you know how difficult it can be to let them go or to let anything happen to them. But the truth is that they will have to grow up at some point. Your adult children must be able to take care of themselves and face the consequences of their own actions. If you enable adult children to make bad decisions or keep up harmful habits, you might be making it harder for them to recover in the long term and improve. You need to step back and let them take on those responsibilities, no matter how difficult it might be.
Are you enabling your children?
First, are you actually enabling grown children? There are several different signs that you might be stepping in too much or allowing your child to continue to avoid responsibility and growing up.
Enabling adult children means making it easier or even possible for them to make decisions that could harm themselves or others. It is possible to let your adult children start taking over and start stepping back in a way that keeps everyone comfortable. All you need to do is find the right professional to help you.
If you’re ready to get professional help for yourself, your grown child, or both of you to no longer enable them, then make sure you’re doing everything you can to start the process early. At Regain, you can get in touch with a mental health professional online who can help you work through any situation you and your adult child are going through. You can no longer enable them, and you can improve both of your lives with a little bit of help.
Here are some signs you are enabling your adult children.
You intervene to make tasks easier
One of the first things that an enabler might do for their child is to step in to try and take care of a child's problem. For example, if your adult child doesn’t get a job, you might call to find out why. If they don’t get invited to a specific event, you might try to get them an invite. You might feel offended on their behalf if they are slighted in any way, and you may try to do what you can to take care of that slight, with or without your child actually knowing about it.
You do the work for them
When your adult children have something they need to do, how often do you do it for them? Do you take care of doing their taxes because it’s easier for you to do than make them do it? Do you help them with other forms of paperwork or activities that they don’t want to do or don’t know how to do rather than teaching them how on their own? These are more signs that you are enabling your adult child and allowing them to get away with not doing things required.
You let them have control
While this is one that many people don’t even notice or think about, it’s extremely important. Do you allow your adult child to control the situation and what’s happening in your household? Some parents allow their adult children to disrespect them or to boss them around. While this could be a sign of an unruly child while they are younger, as your child is growing up, this is generally a sign that you are enabling them and allowing them to call all the shots.
You cover up mistakes
This could be a small mistake, like forgetting to lock the front door, or it could be a big mistake that actually causes someone to get hurt. If you find yourself trying to shield them from the consequences of their actions, even when they need to face the music, you might be enabling your adult child.
You shield their emotions
You want your adult child to feel good and to have a happy and successful life. That can be difficult at times, and they will have times where they are concerned sad, or angry. When you step in and shield them from feeling those things, you are not helping your adult child to become a better functioning member of society. Rather, you are making it harder for them to cope with those emotions, which can actually hurt them and anyone else they have any relationship with within the long run.
How to no longer enable your children
Once you’ve determined that you are enabling your adult children, what should you do about it? How do you make sure that you’re setting them up for success when you’re talking about someone who is already an adult? After all, it may feel as though you’ve missed one of the most important times for improving the situation and making sure they are prepared to be fully functioning and responsible members of society. But you haven’t missed out entirely. It’s still possible to help your adult child in many ways.
Tips on how to stop enabling grown children
Enabling grown children can have negative impacts on the children and the parents. Below are some of the helpful tips to stop enabling grown children.
Set firm boundaries
One way that enabling behavior starts is by not having firm boundaries around what you will and won’t do or what the child is required to do and not do. This could start from the time that they are young and goes into adulthood. Instead, set up firm boundaries and decide that you will not allow anything to sway those boundaries from now on. It’s a good idea to sit down with your adult children to explain what these boundaries are and how they will work moving forward.
Create responsibilities
Your adult child needs to be responsible for their own actions, and that’s an important part for you to no longer enable them. So, create responsibilities that your adult children need to start taking part in. If they still live at home, it’s never too late to start handing out chores. If they don’t live at home, think of an activity that you normally do for them and start handing the reins to them. That doesn’t mean you need to make them responsible for everything all at once, but it does mean slowly making them more responsible.
You don’t need to cut your child off entirely when you no longer enable them. Rather, you need to start working with them to take over those responsibilities. If they’ve never had those types of responsibilities before, it’s up to you to help them through the process. If it’s something you’ve always done for them, it might mean working with them and teaching them what they need to do. It might also mean setting them up with someone else who can teach them what they need to do and how. Or maybe you decide just to let them figure it out on their own.
Prepare for resistance
It can be difficult to convince your adult children to take control of their own life, especially after you’ve been handling things for them all this time. You need to be prepared to resist and argue about the new responsibilities you’ve given them. You want to make sure that you’re ready and willing to stand firm in your decisions. You also need to make sure that you don’t back down, no matter what. Remember, your adult child is used to you taking care of things when it gets difficult. Make sure you’re not falling into that habit.
Manage your own emotions
It’s going to be difficult for you to let go and allow your child to be an adult entirely on their own. It will also be difficult for you not to step in when things get hard for them or not do whatever they want from you. No one is saying that it will be easy to make the change and force your adult children to take charge of their own lives. That’s why you need to take a step back and deal with your own emotions about the situation and what it’s going to be like to let them be their own person.
Create your own life
Chances are you’ve been putting a large portion of your life on hold to deal with the things in your adult children’s lives that they can’t deal with. If that’s the case, then you absolutely need to start looking at your own life. What could you be doing if you weren’t spending so much time on your children? What is currently happening with your own friendships and relationships? What about your hobbies and interests? Start spending more time on those activities rather than all of your time on taking care of things your child should be doing for themselves.
How to stop enabling grown children: Get professional help
If you are having a hard time stepping back and letting go of your adult children having a hard time stepping up and taking responsibility, it might be time to seek professional help. A mental health professional can work with you to create a plan that works for everyone involved. They can help you develop a system that will let your adult children start taking over, and you start stepping back in a way that keeps everyone comfortable. All you need to do is find the right professional to help you.
If you’re ready to get professional help for yourself, your grown child, or both of you to no longer enable them, then make sure you’re doing everything you can to start the process early. At Regain, you can get in touch with a mental health professional online who can help you work through any situation you and your adult child are going through. You can no longer enable them, and you can improve both of your lives with a little bit of help.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
How do I let go of my grown child?
When you become a parent, it is common for you to want to keep your children small forever. In the blink of an eye, your children are all grown up and ready to leave home.
This reality can be hard to handle; it can cause many parents to experience feelings of anxiety, sadness, and distress, especially if you have been heavily supporting or enabling your child all their life.
Here are some tips to help you let go of your adult kids:
Learn how to recognize your needs versus the needs of your child
Give your grown children a chance to do things for themselves.
Acknowledge you’re enabling your child, if applicable, and identify your enabling behaviors; this is the first step to help stop enabling your adult children.
Know that wherever your child lives, they are always going to love you and need you (just not in the same manner)
Set boundaries for yourself so you do not fall back into enabling behaviors (such as begging your children to come back so you can take care of them)
Here are some signs of overparenting or enabling behavior that you may not realize, which can create a parent and child bond that is not healthy:
You tend to check on your child when they are at school or daycare frequently.
You are unable to go out and socialize without worrying about your child.
Your relationship with your children becomes vulnerable.
You have adult children living at your home until their late 20’s and 30’s
Your child is uncomfortable when they are away from you.
Your child struggles to do things on their own like their laundry even though they are old enough to do it on their own
These are all examples of how parents enable their children throughout their lives, which can cause significant relationship issues later on when they are older.
The best thing to do is take action when your kids are young, recognize you’re enabling them if you begin to do so, and work to end those behaviors.
How do I forgive my adult child?
Parent and child relationships change throughout life. However, some parent-and-child relationships are threatened by an adult child doing something that significantly hurts their parent.
If your relationship with your child is unstable, here are some things to help you forgive them for what they have done that has caused a rift in your relationship with them:
Get support from a counselor.
Don’t feed into or dwell in your anger towards them; remember that they are still your child.
Know that the only person you can change is yourself
Listen to your child and hear them out; try to see things from their side, and remember that everyone makes selfish, impulsive, or otherwise harmful decisions sometimes.
How do I stop enabling my teenager?
Enabling occurs when a parent excessively supports and excuses a child’s actions, even when it gets them into trouble or causes other issues.
A parent and child bond is one of the strongest relationships you can have in life.
Here are some examples that would indicate you’re enabling your grown children even though you may not realize:
You do their homework for them (you’re enabling)
You lie to their teachers, so they avoid any punishments (you’re enabling)
You make excuses for them as to why they skipped class (you’re enabling)
You still give in to your teen’s demands even if they are disrespectful (you’re enabling)
Here’s how you can quit enabling your grown children:
Do not tell lies to your children. As a parent, you are supposed to be modeling honesty rather than lying for your own benefit. When you lie for them, you’re enabling your grown children to believe lying is the best solution to their problems.
Stop trying to fix your teenager’s problems. By always fixing their problems, you are enabling your grown children and causing them not to learn how to problem solve on their own
Stop bailing out your teenager when they get themselves into situations. By bailing them out every time they do something wrong or get in trouble, you’re enabling your grown child to have unrealistic expectations of their actions having consequences.
Set clear boundaries and expectations
How do you deal with a disrespectful grown daughter?
When you have adult children living at home, it is common for you to get into disagreements with them from time to time.
However, children living at home can also cause significant conflicts, especially when your grown children behave disrespectfully and ungratefully towards you.
Here are some tips on how you can deal with a disrespectful grown daughter:
Listen to them and try to see if you can emphasize their point of view to see why they are hostile towards you.
Have a conversation with them calmly about their behavior
Find a compromise
Realize that your adult daughter and you may not have the same perspectives while living under the same roof. Stop enabling your grown child and set boundaries with them.
Seek a family counsel if the behavior is frequent
How do you let go of a child who hates you?
If you have relationship problems with your child that have caused them to distance themselves and show signs of not wanting to have a relationship with you, the first thing to identify is causing this dislike.
Some common causes may be:
You insist that the only right way or opinion is yours
You cross boundaries all the time
You do not know who the real them is
You don’t listen to their grievances
Once you have figured out why your son dislikes you, here are some tips for conflict mediation:
Allow them to take charge of the relationship
Stop enabling your grown child and treat him like an adult
Don’t engage with him when he is angry
Focus on yourself; the only person you can change is you
Apologize for what you have done and work to stop the behavior
Get support from a counselor
Ultimately, if you’ve put a significant amount of effort into mending your relationship to no avail, it may be best to give your child the space they want. In this case, it can help rely on a strong support system - friends, family, a therapist, etc. - to help get you through it.
What happens when you enable adult children?
When should I stop enabling my adult child?
What is an enabler parent?
How do I know if I'm an enabler?
What is the difference between being supportive and enabling?
Why do some people become enablers?
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