Recognizing the Signs of Enmeshed Family Relationships and How to Manage
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Enmeshment is a dysfunctional relationship style that’s characterized by too-close relationships. This style is usually found between family members. Although closeness and intimacy in families are positive and important for developing strong bonds, enmeshment takes this closeness to the next level. This level of closeness and intimacy often causes an unhealthy, imbalanced dynamic between the family members involved.
Although enmeshment occurs most commonly between parents and children, it can happen in any configuration between any family members. Spouses can have enmeshed relationships, as can siblings. However, no matter who is involved, the signs of an enmeshed family relationship are generally the same (with slight differences).
What are the signs of an enmeshed family relationship?
Identifying an enmeshed family relationship can be difficult because of the nature of this relationship style; often, we expect family dynamics to include a strong sense of interconnectedness and emotional support, but this can cross over healthy boundaries over time. Here are some signs that you might be enmeshed with another family member:
Intense, overlapping thoughts, behaviors, and interests
In enmeshed family relationships, family members inflict their thoughts, emotions, or interests on each other. Parents may live vicariously through their child(ren)’s activities, or certain family members may expect and require other members to feel a particular emotion in response to a certain situation, and make them feel guilty if they do not express that emotion.
Emotional entanglement
Enmeshed family relationships are unhealthy because of the intertwined thoughts and emotions of the family members involved. Dependence on another person for both positive and negative emotions can signal an enmeshed relationship in a family unit.
For example, experiencing a disagreement (major or minor) in an enmeshed relationship may cause feelings of extreme anxiety, fear, or depression. When the other person in the relationship is happy, you’re happy; positive emotions are completely contingent on the relationship, as are negative ones. The feeling that you “have to be with the other person to be happy/okay” can also be a sign of an enmeshed relationship.
Lack of independence
An external locus of control that looks to another family member for decision-making is a clear sign of enmeshment. In an enmeshed relationship, members don’t make decisions independently, regardless of age, relationship status, or other factors. Of course, taking the thoughts and feelings into account before making a decision is one thing, but refusing to do anything without their express approval is categorically different. Older adults who still live with and rely on their parents in all aspects of their lives exemplify this sign of enmeshment.
Feelings of not being able to disengage or create distance
When enmeshment happens, a sense of not disengaging from the other person can take over and interfere with other relationships and activities. Enmeshed relationships can be difficult to manage because of this impression of inability to create distance and boundaries between yourself and others.
Inability to say no
One sign of enmeshment is a feeling that you can’t say “no” when a family member asks for something or expresses a desire through their actions. Even if something more important in your life should take priority, you might feel that responding affirmatively to an enmeshed family member’s needs is the most important thing to do, regardless of your personal life situation.
Saying “no” might mean that your family member will get angry or depressed, or, under the right circumstances, they may use love withdrawal to convince you to do what they want. This can be an upsetting and confusing situation to manage and understand, especially as an active participant in the relationship.
How to manage enmeshed family relationships
The first and most important step of managing an enmeshed family relationship is recognizing a problem and taking action toward resolution/management. Everyone’s situation is different, but these are some techniques useful for managing enmeshed family relationships:
Find a licensed family counselor
Find a qualified family counselor who can help you so that you can create a better life with healthier family relationships. Sometimes it can be difficult to see the patterns and obstacles when you’re one of the people stuck in the middle of the problem, and a counselor can help point things out to you that you may not have otherwise realized. This is one of the most important steps toward managing an enmeshed family relationship.
Seeking medically reviewed help for your situation isn’t only for you, but your family members too. If it seems appropriate, inform your family members and ask them if they’d be willing to participate in family counseling. Some family members might be more amenable to this than others. For this reason, it may be a good idea first to seek individual counseling so that you have the support and a source of advice, no matter what happens.
Reconnect with yourself
One of the signs of an enmeshed relationship is the inability to see “where one person ends, and the other begins.” Taking the time to focus on yourself can help you see what’s yours and what belongs to the other person, which is one of the first steps toward successfully managing an enmeshed family relationship.
Some experts recommend the practice of mindfulness, which can take many forms, but a good place to start is with 5-10-minute daily mindfulness meditation. Set aside this amount of time during a part of the day when you won’t be bothered and make yourself comfortable with a cushion on the floor or sitting upright in a chair. Start by focusing on your breath. Focus on the feelings in your body. Any thoughts that come into your mind are fine; acknowledge them, observe them, but don’t judge them. Allow the thoughts and feelings to pass through your consciousness without placing any value on them. Record your experiences in a journal afterward.
Other ways to connect to yourself include taking up a new hobby (or reimagining an old one), getting involved in a club or organization, or taking a class. In fact, making connections with other people (strangers or friends) can be another good way to reconnect with yourself and discover your personal feelings, needs, interests, and thoughts. The goal is to grow yourself as a person and form an independent life separate from that of your family members but still involve them in a healthy and balanced way.
Set manageable-sized boundaries with your enmeshed family members
Setting boundaries is key to fostering healthy family relationships. In enmeshed family relationships, boundaries are lacking, so identifying when and how to set boundaries can make a huge difference in managing enmeshment.
When setting boundaries, it’s still important to be aware of the other person’s perception and possible reaction(s). Instead of rebelling and setting boundaries in an angry, forceful way, first, show an appreciation for certain aspects of the other person’s behavior and then gently express exactly what you need from them (or don’t need). For example, if a mother calls her college-age daughter every day to talk to her for 2 hours and the daughter feels that this is stifling her growth as an individual, the daughter could tell her mother that she really enjoys their conversations, but she does not have enough time to do what she needs to do when their conversations are that long and that regular. The daughter could suggest an alternative (a boundary) that would work better for her, such as talking on the phone for the same amount of time once a week or for less time every other day.
This gentler way of setting boundaries can, over time, foster a healthier and more productive relationship between enmeshed family members.
Release the feeling of guilt
It’s normal for people in enmeshed family relationships to feel guilt attached to the idea of setting boundaries with family members. But, this feeling of guilt isn’t necessary. Boundaries are a healthy and vitally important part of any strong relationship, and it’s essential to set boundaries between yourself and your family.
An overwhelming feeling of guilt is one of the signs of an enmeshed relationship. Release this feeling and reassure yourself that you’re doing the right thing by setting boundaries. It can be difficult to do this but feeling guilty is only going to interfere with your ability to tune into your feelings and thoughts. As mentioned above, mindfulness can be a good way to start releasing this guilt. Become aware of the feeling, but don’t fall into the guilt trap.
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Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
What is an enmeshed family?
There are signs of enmeshment in a family. An enmeshed family is a family that is so close that there is an unhealthy or unbalanced power dynamic. Bonds of a close family are healthy and positive, but unhealthy emotions in enmeshed families typically attach to relatives. Boundaries are not respected or are non-existent, and the lack of balance involves family interactions that may be unequal in respect or power. The enmeshed family is more than close—they cross the line from loving and supportive to toxic. Many people in enmeshed families do not recognize the extent of the lack of boundaries or dysfunction until they are adults. Care of the parents can be a factor. Parents may place unrealistic burdens on their children to meet their needs. Additional signs of enmeshment include relatives not having independent beliefs and values and difficulty having adult relationships due to family involvement. Often members of enmeshed families do not recognize the unhealthy patterns that are affecting their adult relationships.
What does enmeshed mean?
Enmeshed means to catch or entangle in. In enmeshed families, individuals do not separate from one another. Relatives are caught up or entangled with one another to the point where they are overinvolved in each other’s lives in an unhealthy way. They show signs of enmeshment. Healthy balance involves family being respectful and reciprocal, but these traits are often missing in cases of enmeshment. Family members in enmeshed families may not distinguish their own beliefs and values from their relatives and may have trouble with intimacy in adult relationships. Parents might rely on children to meet their emotional needs, while children might feel unhealthy pressure to take care of their parents. Enmeshed family members do not feel like they have autonomy from one another.
What is an enmeshed mother-son relationship?
An enmeshed mother-son relationship is when a mother and a son have an unhealthy dependence on one another. These family relationships are constraining and can affect future relationships. The mother may rely so much on her child to become hovering and controlling, and the son cannot mature. Such family relationships may be toxic. While the bonds of a close mother and son are positive, signs of enmeshment include the mother disrespecting personal boundaries, making her closest confidante because she has limited relationships with others, and controlling and manipulative. Sons in these relationships might find it challenging to be independent and maintain adult relationships outside of the family. Care of the parents may become an issue if the son feels unhealthy pressure to meet their needs. Other family members in families with dysfunctional mother-son relationships might feel disregarded. Healthy balance involves family respecting one another’s boundaries, beliefs, and values.
What is enmeshment trauma?
Enmeshment trauma can be a repeating pattern in enmeshed families. Generations of families can repeat the enmeshed relationships, leading to more emotional trauma and a continuing cycle of toxic family relationships. Please seek the advice of your physician or a licensed mental health professional if you are experiencing trauma or if you are concerned with signs of enmeshment in your family. Help is available for family members from enmeshed families to heal.
What is a mother-enmeshed man?
A mother-enmeshed man is a man who prioritizes the needs of his mother over himself and others. A mother-enmeshed man may have a love-hate relationship with his mother and have difficulty fulfilling his own needs and individuality outside of family relationships. As a result of enmeshment with his mother, he may not form lasting, intimate adult relationships. Often, the mother may show signs of narcissism that have lasting effects on the son. The mother-son relationship is likely unbalanced; balance involves family encouraging healthy independence and respecting boundaries. Care of the parents can become stressful if the man feels unreasonable pressure to meet all of his mother’s needs.
What is Mother-Son enmeshment?
Mother-son enmeshment is a type of relationship in which a mother keeps her son dependent on her and uses him to fulfill her emotional needs. The son may not be able or willing to assert himself with his mother, nor in adult relationships outside of the family. In the long term, the son may not form intimate relationships or develop socially and emotionally. The boundaries with his mother are likely few and often violated. He also might feel anxious about expressing his own beliefs and values. Care of the parents is often a factor—the son may feel he cannot be independent because he must take care of the parents, particularly his mother. Balance involves family caring for one another but not sacrificing themselves in the process. In mother-son enmeshment, the mother may not know the difference between parenting and partnering. She may substitute her relationship with her son for emotional intimacy with a partner, leading to unhealthy family relationships.
How do you know if you are enmeshed?
Some signs are common in enmeshed family relationships. The healthy bonds of a close family are positive and supportive, while enmeshed families typically show negative signs of enmeshment. You may feel that you must do what your family wants you to do without considering your own goals or needs. You may feel guilty and anxious about wanting independence or space. You may avoid conflict and have difficulty saying no to your family members. You might feel an unreasonable burden to take care of the parents in the family and feelings of guilt or undue responsibility for fulfilling all of their needs. You may feel that you have to solve your family’s problems. Your family might discourage you from being independent, might intrude in your life, might not respect your beliefs and values, and might not respect your adult relationships. Family gatherings are often tense and unenjoyable.
What does enmeshment look like?
Enmeshment looks like unhealthy dependence and a lack of boundaries. An enmeshed family does not look like a family with supportive, healthy relationships. Healthy family relationships have balanced interdependence and reciprocity, while an enmeshed family lacks these traits. Reciprocity means that the relationship is not one-sided and that each person in the relationship brings value. In an enmeshed family, a balance of reciprocity and interdependence is typically uneven. One enmeshed family member usually relies on another to meet their needs, which is draining. (Care of the parents is an example. A child may feel pressure to fulfill their parents’ needs.) Balance—usually absent or unequal in enmeshment—involves healthy boundaries and respecting each other's sense of independence, beliefs, and values. Boundaries with family members may be non-existent, weak, or blurred in enmeshed families.
Is enmeshment unhealthy?
Enmeshment is unhealthy because it can lead to a loss of a sense of self. The members of an enmeshed family may have difficulty maintaining relationships with people outside of the family. They may feel resentment towards their family members and have a lack of independence. Children who feel undue pressure to take care of their parents may feel anxiety. Enmeshment can affect future relationships. Those who are enmeshed may be at a higher risk for eating disorders (because they seek to control that they do not have in the family), substance use disorders, and anger issues. (Licensed mental health professionals can help with addiction, relationships, child and parent conflicts, eating disorders, and anger. Help is available if you need it.) Family members who experience enmeshment may have physical health problems, such as trouble sleeping, pain, and headaches. An unhealthy love-hate relationship with the family can impact well-being. Please seek the advice of your physician and licensed mental health professional for help. Remember that abusive relationships are never acceptable; please seek help immediately if you are unsafe.
How do you fix enmeshment?
To heal from enmeshment, you must untangle—or unmesh—yourself from unhealthy family relationships. Strategies include recognizing signs of enmeshment, learning how to set boundaries with family members, recognizing your own needs, understanding that it is healthy to take care of yourself, and developing relationships and independence outside your family. Learning self-empathy and mindfulness can help you disentangle from the family and eventually have healthier relationships with family members and outside the family. Healthy balance involves family dynamics being respectful and reciprocal. Seek the advice of your physician and a mental health professional if you believe any relationship is having negative impacts on your physical or mental health. Seek help immediately if you or your loved ones are involved in abusive relationships. Therapy can be an effective way to heal from the damage of an enmeshed family and the issues that go along with it, such as challenges with addiction, relationships, child and parent connections, and more. You can learn how to have healthy boundaries with family. The healthy bonds of a family should be supportive and positive.
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