Navigating Narcissism: Why Does My Mother Hate Me?
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Growing up feeling hated by your mother can be an extremely difficult emotion to cope with. Feeling burdensome, unwanted or disliked by your mother often creates ongoing problems into adulthood, including certain mental health conditions.
Victims of toxic or narcissistic parenting often believe they are the ones at fault for their poor relationship with their mothers or feel undeserving of her love. In such cases, it can be helpful to identify possible narcissistic personality traits in your mother.
A mother who displays persistent controllining, manipulative or cruel behavior is likely showing narcissistic personality traits. For those that have lived with this type of behavior long-term, recognizing and addressing the signs can be extremely difficult.
In this article, we will explore the realities of narcissistic mothers, what you can do to navigate the relationship, and how to take steps towards personal healing.
Recognizing narcissistic traits
Maintaining a relationship with someone who displays narcissistic personality traits can often be challenging, with a toxic parent or caregiver creating one of the most difficult and impactful relationships to navigate.
Recognizing toxicity and narcissistic personality traits in your own mother can be extremely difficult due to the fact that her love, or lack thereof, was likely presented to you at an early age. In many cases, growing up with a narcissistic parent “normalizes” the existence of toxic behavior in the parent, yourself, and others around you.
While some mothers are outright cruel, many narcissistic personality traits present in a subtle, more covert way. Examples of narcissistic personality traits include:
- An unreasonably high sense of self-importance or a desire for excessive admiration.
- Feeling that certain privileges and special treatment are deserved.
- The expectation to be recognized as superior even without achievements.
- A tendency to make personal achievements or talents seem bigger than they are.
- A preoccupation with success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate.
- Feelings of superiority.
- Unrealistic demands or expectations of others.
- A tendency to take advantage of others without guilt or remorse.
- An inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others.
- Excessive feelings of envy towards others, or an unfounded belief that others envy them.
It is important to note that Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a diagnosable personality disorder. While someone living with NPD will display narcissistic personality traits, these same traits can be exhibited by people who do not have NPD.
Signs of narcissistic traits in mothers
When navigating narcissism, it can be helpful to recognize that there are a number of narcissistic behaviors that tend to present specifically in parenting. While the process of identifying narcissistic traits your mother can be grueling and painful, doing so may serve as an important step towards healing.
Some of the most common traits associated with narcissistic mothers include:
Excessive self-centeredness
A narcissistic mother is primarily focused on herself, her needs, and her desires. She may constantly seek attention and admiration from others while disregarding the needs and feelings of her children.
Lack of empathy
Empathy is often lacking in narcissistic individuals, including narcissistic mothers. They struggle to understand or connect with the emotions and experiences of others, including their children. Their interactions may be characterized by a lack of genuine concern or understanding.
Manipulation and exploitation
Narcissistic mothers often manipulate and exploit their children for their own benefit. They may use guilt, emotional blackmail, or other tactics to control and manipulate their children, often seeking to fulfill their own needs and desires at the expense of their children's well-being.
Grandiosity and entitlement
Narcissistic mothers typically have an inflated sense of self-importance and believe they are entitled to special treatment and privileges. They may expect their children to fulfill their needs without question and may become angry or resentful if their demands are not met.
Lack of boundaries
Narcissistic mothers frequently disregard personal boundaries, both physical and emotional, with their children.
Emotional manipulation and abuse
Narcissistic mothers often engage in emotional abuse to maintain control over their children. This can involve gaslighting (distorting reality to make the child doubt their own perceptions), constant criticism, belittling, and undermining the child's self-esteem.
Healing from a hateful mother
Growing up feeling hated by your own mother is undoubtedly challenging and oftentimes traumatic. Typically, the first step toward healing comes from identifying the reality of your mother’s behavior, then learning to accept that your mother’s behavior is no fault of your own.
While there are a number of support groups available online for those of us with emotionally abusive or narcissistic parents, the complex and painful nature of growing up with a narcissistic mother is typically navigated best through therapy and mental health treatment.
A therapist or mental health professional can often provide individualized guidance in the matters of navigating or healing from a toxic maternal relationship. In many cases, it is possible that online therapy may serve as a valuable resource for those looking to heal from a different parent-child relationship. Additionally, research has proven online therapy to be equally as effective as in-person therapy.
Takeaway
While recognizing the signs of a narcissistic mother can be challenging, doing so can often be helpful when it comes to the navigation of the relationship, as well as personal well-being. If you are having trouble coping with the negative effects of a mother’s narcissistic behaviors, it may be best to reach out to a therapist or mental health professional for guidance and support.
Frequently asked questions
What should I do if my mom hates me?
The ideal relationship between a mother and her child is full of love and care. In reality, this is not always the case. Some mothers dislike and even hate their child(ren) for various reasons. Discovering that your mother might hate you can be frightening and confusing. It is sad to hear someone ask, “why does my mother hate me.” Listed below are steps you can take if you have reason to believe that your mother hates you.
- Don’t blame yourself:
This is very important. As children, we mirror our environment, using it as a tool to forge our identity. We search the words, actions, and body language of the people around us for clues that help us determine our place in society. If you grow up with a parent who doesn’t love you and, even worse… hates you, your self-esteem is bound to take several heavy blows.
If you find yourself internalizing any guilt or blame for your mother’s behavior, you have likely been viewing yourself through her perspective and based your identity on her thoughts and actions. Understanding that your mother is a human being who doesn’t have everything figured out will help you take her view of you with a grain of salt. Your worth is not defined by the opinions of others, not even that of your mother.
- Speak to her:
Communication gaps can cause negative emotions to develop and solidify over time. There are endless possible causes for your mother’s behavior. Engaging her in honest and open conversation can bridge the gap and bring you closer together. It is possible that she isn’t conscious of her behavior towards you. It is also possible that she blames you for a negative event or situation she experienced and has subconsciously connected those negative emotions with you. Whatever the case may be, having a sincere conversation with her about her behavior has the potential to heal your relationship.
- Assess yourself:
While other people's opinions do not determine your worth, you must continue to assess yourself to make sure you aren’t contributing to the problem. This does not mean you should blame yourself for her behavior. Rather, you should make a list of negative things you have been doing and a list of positive things you could be doing. Eliminate the behaviors featured on the negative list and adopt those featured on the positive list. Even if this doesn’t help change her behavior towards you, you can be confident that you aren’t contributing to the cycle.
- Cut her off:
This should be a last resort that you only act on if her behavior is unbearably toxic. Family is ideally our most important connection, but once family becomes toxic, we can guiltlessly cut them off. Your mental health is your priority, and if staying connected with your emotionally abusive mother places your mental health at risk, you should cut her off.
This being said, try to save your relationship with your mother if it is within your power to do so. This will both solve the problem and give you both the opportunity to develop a healthy relationship.
Why do I feel like my mom hates me?
But no matter how much you fight, there should be no reason to doubt that your mother loves you, that is, if things were ideal. Unfortunately, mothers sometimes exhibit behavioral patterns that suggest hatred for their children. If this goes on for some time, the child will pick up on it and assume their mother hates them. No one should have to ask, “why does my mother hate me.” While this is not common, it cannot be said to be abnormal.
For you to conclude that your mother hates you, you must have observed her acting towards you in a hateful manner. People suspect their mother hates them if she:
- Doesn’t display care or affection
- Is neglectful
- Is verbally abusive
- Is violent and aggressive
- Favors siblings over them
- Rarely communicates with them
All these are legitimate reasons to suspect that your mother hates you. However, your best option would be to have a sit-down with her and discuss how you feel. Even if this doesn’t end positively, you will gain some insight into the situation and maybe even get some closure.
If you are experiencing maternal hatred and aren’t sure what to do about it, you can find a treatment center and receive family counseling. If this is not possible in your locality, you can contact an online therapist to find a treatment plan.
How do you know if your mom hates u?
It can be very difficult to understand and accept that your mother hates you. Studies show that the relationship between a mother and her children is the strongest ties in a family. Unfortunately, the opposite is the sad reality for many people. There are some signs that, when noticed, could mean your mother hates you. The signs include:
- She never shows affection
- She blames you for her unhappiness
- She favors your siblings over you
- She gaslights you and blames you for things you have no control over
- She consistently undermines your achievements
- She compares you to others to make you appear to be a failure
- She neglects you
- She is verbally, emotionally, or physically abusive
If you notice several of these signs, it might mean that your mother does not like you. The best step to take would be to initiate a sincere conversation with her and take steps towards healing your relationship.
If you are experiencing maternal hatred and aren’t sure what to do about it, you can find a treatment center and receive family counseling. If this is not possible in your locality, you can contact an online therapist to find a treatment plan.
Why does my mom hate me but love my siblings?
It isn’t rare for mothers to favor one sibling over the other or to single one out and neglect them emotionally. The reasons for this behavior are endless and can only be determined through therapy or extended open communication between you and your mother. But the most common reason a mother would hate one child and love the rest is that she blames that child for a negative event or situation she experienced and attaches the negative emotions from that event to that child. A common cause of this is parental burnout. Research shows that parental burnout can cause a negative relationship between a parent and her child.
If you are experiencing maternal hatred and aren’t sure what to do about it, you can find a treatment center and receive family counseling. If this is not possible in your locality, you can contact an online therapist to find a treatment plan.
What is a toxic mom?
A toxic mom is a mom whose presence in her children’s lives is unhealthy for them. The absence of a mother figure can have very negative effects on a child, but sometimes a toxic mother can be an even worse circumstance. A toxic mom has the following features:
- She is neglectful
- She is verbally, emotionally, financially, or physically abusive
- She doesn’t show affection
- She blames her children for things out of their control
- She undermines her children’s achievements
- She doesn’t respect boundaries
- She gaslights her children etc.
If you are experiencing maternal hatred and aren’t sure what to do about it, you can find a treatment center and receive family counseling. If this is not possible in your locality, you can contact an online therapist to find a treatment plan.
Why do mothers hate their daughters?
Maternal hatred is a sad reality, and it is often directed from a mother to a daughter. The main reason some mothers hate their daughters is maternal jealousy. This is a situation where a mother feels envious of her daughter for various reasons. Some of these reasons are:
- She blames her daughter for a negative event or experience she had
- She thinks her daughter has like easier than she did
- Her daughter excels in fields she wishes she could excel in
- She thinks her daughter is more attractive than her and is jealous
- Her daughter reminds her of her own past failures
- A mental health condition
If you are experiencing maternal hatred and aren’t sure what to do about it, you can find a treatment center and receive family counseling. If this is not possible in your locality, you can contact an online therapist to find a treatment plan.
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