Why Is My Teenage Daughter So Mean To Me, And What Can I Do?

You might have found that your relationship with your daughter changed after she entered her teen years. But why? From head to toe, many things are going on in your teen daughter’s body. Genetics, personality, friendships, school, and those active hormones can take you on a rollercoaster. Like all teen girls, your daughter is going through many physical, emotional, and intellectual changes.

The behavior that results from so many changes can be unexpected and challenging. It can be difficult to discern typical teen behavior from behavior that needs attention. This season of life calls for a vast amount of objectivity and large doses of patience from you, the parent. 

A teen’s perspective of their behavior

While your daughter’s changes since she became a teen are glaring, she may not feel any differently than she has in the past. Try to see her perspective as objectively as possible. She’s most likely so focused on herself that she’s unaware of how her behavior affects anyone else.

Your daughter may argue with you at every turn, but have you considered that there’s a reason that you always seem to be her target? Teens may see their parents as safe people with whom they can vent their frustrations. Teens want to feel more in control of their relationships and lives. They’re striving for an increased sense of independence. These feelings often translate to disrespectful, rebellious behavior.

Why is my teenage daughter so mean to me?

When parenting your teenage daughter, you can never be sure whether you’re climbing the hill of the rollercoaster, speeding around a corner, turning upside down, or coasting to the finish line. Using an objective lens, consider whether your parenting style contributes to her behavior.

You can also bypass the cause of the behavior and focus on her speech and actions. She may not even know why she acts the way she does. You can’t always change the cause, but you can always encourage a better response. Learning to react differently from what comes naturally is a skill that teens can learn as teens. It’s a good skill they can take with them as they mature.

Teens will be teens

Under the best circumstances, teens don’t see things as adults do. Try to remember that they lack the life experience that you have. In her eyes, you just don’t get it.

The teen years are when girls form strong opinions, perhaps for the first time. It’s common for teens to be critical of their parents. It’s part of how they become their unique selves as adults. She’s bound to make some mistakes. Giving teens room to make mistakes is important because that’s how they learn and grow.

As a parent, you can’t change how development manifests. You can draw boundaries around how they express their opinions negatively, critically, and disrespectfully.

Remain neutral and describe the interactions

In your interactions with your daughter, do your best to remain neutral. Stay calm and objective. Does your daughter treat everyone the same way, or is it just you? Is her behavior different at school than at home? How often are her blow-ups and disagreements occurring? Can you point the issue to a specific cause? Is she struggling with friends, romantic interests, grades, or another disappointment?

Can you find any specific patterns of interaction? What do you wish you’d said or done differently? Look for ways that both of you had some success, and return to them to achieve the same outcome. Note the negative things she’s said and done, but you should also note the positive ones. Highlight this area. It’s something that you can build on. Acknowledge every little bit of progress. Let her know in words and actions that you love her and are very proud of her.

Set clear boundaries and consistent consequences

Consider sitting down with your daughter and developing a contract. A verbal agreement works well for some families. A written contract makes expectations clear for everyone and makes it easier for everyone to be accountable. If your teen resists an agreement, enlisting a therapist’s help to keep things fair and neutral can be helpful.

First, sort her behaviors into two groups. List the most frequent and critical issues that are causing disrespect. Agree that you can overlook minor issues, such as eye-rolling, pouting, and muttering quietly.

Identify the top three behaviors that are unacceptable and cannot continue. (As a note of caution, if threats become physical, get a professional counselor involved.) Set a priority level for each behavior and a consequence for each infraction. Don’t tackle more than two to three issues at a time.

Post the contract in a visible place and keep an electronic copy as a backup. The consequences should match the infraction. Refrain from being too harsh. You don’t want her to suffer or drive her into even further rebellion. You want to know that she can connect the consequence with her ability to make a better choice next time.

When she breaches the contract, don’t underreact or overreact. Be calm, and enforce the consequence. Don’t expound on it.

Model the behavior you want to see

Parents should model the behavior they want to see, so being on guard about your behavior is important. Your daughter will learn how to improve her behavior from your speech and your actions. As difficult as it may be, speak to your daughter calmly and respectfully, especially when you’re upset and angry.

Your daughter will watch how you deal with conflict in your own life. This is not the time to engage in nasty dialogue with other adults or speak ill of them behind their backs. Let your actions and words reflect the behavior that you want to see in your daughter. She’ll get it! She’s watching you closely.

Therapy can help

If your daughter’s behavior escalates, things get physical, or you feel like you need extra support, consider online therapy. With online therapy, you don’t have to worry about commuting to an office or being on a waiting list for an available appointment. You can attend sessions from anywhere you have an internet connection, and you can get started right away. Whether you want to attend sessions alone or with the whole family, research shows that online therapy is effective. One study found that online family therapy was just as effective as face-to-face treatment and, in some cases, has some advantages in that it is more readily available. If you want to learn more, connect with a licensed professional at Regain.

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Takeaway

Raising a teen daughter can feel like you’re on a rollercoaster, but don’t forget one of the unique characteristics of this kind of ride: it goes very fast. Whatever you’re going through with your teen daughter, this too shall pass. Until it does, if you need support, online therapy can help.