Prioritizing Friendship, Communication, Etc: How To Make Having A FWB Fun

Being in a friends-with-benefits (FWB) situation may seem like the best of both worlds to some people: you get the platonic comfort of a friend and the fun of physical intimacy, but without a relationship's entanglement. Typically, a friends-with-benefits situation means that two people know each other in a platonic way, and they agree to engage in sex with each other without entering into a committed monogamous relationship. While it can sound like a great arrangement to some people, it can also be complicated sometimes, and it may lead to hurt feelings depending on how it’s handled. For help in making a friends with benefits arrangement more fun, consider some of the tips below.

Communication, honesty, etc: How to make having a FWB fun

Recognize that this type of friendship is not for everyone

Having a friend with benefits (FWB) is not for everyone. Some people, like those who identify as demisexual, for example, may need to have a close emotional bond with someone before feeling sexually attracted to them, and so it can be difficult to separate sex from the emotional components. Other people may not want an arrangement like this because they desire a serious, monogamous, long-term relationship. Whatever the reason may be, if you are not comfortable with an FWB situation, you don’t need to be in one. FWB is a consensual partnership, with both sides being enthusiastically on board. If you are not interested in this arrangement, there is no need to force it. 

Consider setting rules

Before entering into an FWB arrangement, it can be useful for both parties involved to sit down and establish some baseline rules and FWB boundaries to follow. These rules can aim to keep the friendship intact and keep the sexual dynamic from becoming more serious than you’d like. 

Some rules may deal with what happens after sex. Other rules may be about what happens in the friendship. Still others may cover the frequency of sex. You two can decide what rules and expectations make sense for you. Some examples of possible rules are detailed below: 

Just sex

One of the rules that people who become friends with benefits often set is that it is strictly about sex, with no emotions or attachments. Keeping the arrangement strictly about sex frequently means that both parties can see other people without interfering or getting jealous, and it can be designed to help prevent attachment and keep things from progressing into a romantic relationship.

Cuddle free

One way people try and keep emotions out of the relationship is not to cuddle. Cuddling may feel great, but oftentimes people fear that it creates an attachment and intimacy that is not conducive to an FWB situation. So, some people in this situation may decide that most physical touch is limited to sex to try to avoid unwanted intimacy from creeping into the arrangement.

No sleepovers

Keeping things purely physical can be difficult if you get too familiar with the other person, create a routine, or start acting like a couple. So, some people may find that the rule of no sleeping over keeps the encounters focused on sex rather than relational aspects. Going home to your own place may help remind you that there is a distance in the arrangement.

Practice safe sex

It is also important to discuss safe sex practices, and many people may find it helpful to establish clear rules and guidelines on the topic. Since the arrangement is often non-monogamous, it can be especially important to have clear communication regarding safe sex practices to ensure that everyone stays healthy. 

Pick the right partner

With all the rules of friends with benefits, one can be left wondering if there is anything other than sex? What about the "friends" part of the equation? Different people may have different preferences here, so it may help for you to give some thought to what kind of friend you would feel most comfortable being in a friends with benefits situation with. 

Some people may find that they prefer to navigate this arrangement with a friend who they already have a strong platonic connection to, while others may prefer to be with someone they are not very close friends with. Some people may feel that it is better to navigate the complexities of this situation with a good friend, while others may feel that doing so would risk damaging the friendship. You can decide what might work best for you, and then pick the right partner accordingly. 

Create boundaries and prioritize communication

To have a healthy friends with benefits situation, you often need to have firm boundaries and open communication. Without these two things, it may be more likely for misunderstandings, emotional entanglement, and unrealistic expectations to arise. 

Boundaries are important because they tell you and the other person what you are both comfortable with in different aspects of the arrangement. Setting up rules is one way to enforce the boundaries. Another way is by regular check-ins to see where you and the other person are emotionally and to assess if the arrangement is still working.

Establishing and respecting boundaries requires open communication as well. Open and honest communication can be important in any friendship, but especially where you add sex to the equation. It can be essential to talk about any emotional attachments that begin to form, any desire for something more than FWB, and any issues that may arise.

Have fun together

What can you do to keep the arrangement fun? Remember that you are friends first. Before sex became part of your dynamic, you were friends for a reason. As you navigate this new arrangement, you can also pay attention to the health of your friendship. Just because you have introduced sex into the dynamic, that doesn’t mean you have to give up or abandon the friendship. 

You can go out and do things together, alone or in a group, without them being “dates.” It can simply involve having fun together as friends. You can go bowling, watch movies, hang out with other friends, and whatever else you would normally do with this friend. You don't have to let the fact that you are having sex get in the way of enjoying the person with whom you have a developed friendship. The boundaries and rules you put in place can be there, at least in part, to help preserve the friendship.

When a FWB arrangement goes beyond friendship

There may come a time where you both mutually decide that you would like to be more than FWB. Navigating the transition into a committed relationship can be tricky. But you don't have to do it alone. The licensed online therapists at Regain are equipped to help your relationship no matter what stage it is in by providing you with skills and tools to build trust and open communication. And research has demonstrated the effectiveness of online couples therapy for improving both relationship and individual functioning. 

Plus, as you’re moving through these changes in your relationship, you and your partner may have busy schedules and frequently be in different locations, especially if you don’t live together. With online therapy, you and your partner can join the same therapy session from different locations.  

Takeaway

Establishing a friend with benefits arrangement can take some intentional work; it can also be a rewarding experience for the two of you involved, especially if the communication remains open and honest and you build upon the friendship that you've already established. For additional support in navigating this arrangement or other relationship concerns, an online therapist can help.