“I Can't Make Friends”: Tips For Overcoming Common Social Challenges
Making friends is important for maintaining mental health but connecting with others can be difficult, especially as we get older. In fact, there are a number of reasons why people have trouble making new online and real-life friendships. For some, the main issue is finding people that they connect with. Many of us lead busy lives that make it harder to go out and meet new people. For others, the problem may lie in their ability to understand and respond to the social cues that usually work to build connections when we meet new people. No matter your situation, making new friends can sometimes be hard, but it is possible. Let’s look at some ways to help you overcome common social issues and connect with others.
How to meet more people
Our social skills can become rusty over time, especially when we are not interacting with as many people as we would like, which can be a contributing reason why making new friends as an adult is difficult. This can happen for many reasons. Perhaps you are someone who works remotely and spends a lot of time at home. Maybe you are someone who has such a packed schedule that entertaining a social life is nearly impossible. Regardless of your circumstances, finding time and ways to make connections can be a big obstacle to making new friends as an adult. Fortunately, this is also one of the easiest issues to fix. Let’s look at how you can make those new friends that you want.
Utilize your existing network
Chances are that you do see some people regularly in the places that you visit throughout the week – perhaps through your workplace, place of worship, gym, etc. While these individuals may only be acquaintances at the moment, this can change if you are already comfortable with the other person and vice-versa. Make a strategic effort to make your next greeting as an opportunity to open the conversation and learn more about them. Build up your relationship until you think it is appropriate to ask them if they want to do something with you. Keep in mind that not everyone will be interested, but there are plenty of other people out there who are looking to expand their friend group as well.
Find local activities to join
Think about hobbies or interests that you would like to pursue more. This could also be a great way to meet new people and friends if you are doing it in a group setting. For example, taking group training classes at your local gym, joining the church choir, or even becoming part of a book club gives you the ability to connect with like-minded individuals who could easily become your friends. Getting out there is the best way to meet people. If you do not already pursue interests outside of work, take some time to consider what you would like to do and how you can do it with a group.
Volunteer
Volunteering in your community is yet another great way to meet people. No matter where you choose to volunteer, chances are that your organization’s people have excellent people skills and are always open to forming new relationships with their fellow volunteers. This can also be an easier way to meet people as you are working in a tight-knit community regularly. If you do not volunteer your time but are interested in doing so, take a moment to look for opportunities near you that you could commit to.
Join organized events and groups
The internet is one of the most valuable tools in your search for friends. There is no shortage of organized groups and events that you can sign up for and attend these days. For example, some websites allow you to look for groups in your area that share your same interests. Reach out to their leader and then join them at their desired meeting spot. If you are looking for business friends and relationships, there is also an abundance of business workshops and networking events that can help you meet people. Joining an organized event or group can lead to plenty of new friends in time.
Start your own group
If there isn’t much going on in your area, the good news is that you can always be the first to take the initiative. Starting a group is as easy as finding an online platform to reach your audience and get people interested. If you are looking for a more traditional way to do it, you can print flyers and find spots in your community where you can get the word out. You can also reach out to the people you currently know to get the group started. Remember, when there is a lack of something, there is an opportunity to create it for others.
Improving your social skills
People are everywhere, but not everyone is equipped with the right skills to approach people and form relationships. There are plenty of people who need assistance in developing stronger social skills and interpersonal tactics. If you can relate, here are some ways that you can build yourself up so that you are ready when you meet people you want to form friendships with them.
Practice your small talk and openings
In a way, making new friends is a lot like a double-dutch jump rope. When you can find the right time to jump into a conversation and can keep up your momentum, you won’t trip up when you start speaking to someone. That said, it can be hard to figure out when it is appropriate to start a conversation with someone, and it can be harder to figure out what to say once you finally have their attention. If you see someone regularly, don’t be afraid to greet them and ask them how their day was. Once you have them there, start asking them about something going on in their lives or something you know they can relate to. People generally like to talk about themselves and enjoy the attention they get. Being a good listener is also one of the more important social skills to develop over time. Make sure to practice some of these skills, and you are sure to get your foot in the door.
Focus on your body language
Our body language says a lot about us. If you are someone who unintentionally has a sour face, slouches a lot, or shrinks up when they are in public, you may be unconsciously telling people that you are not looking to engage socially. If this is the case, the chances are that you have been preventing many potential friendships before they were allowed to begin. However, this can be changed. Take note of your current body language, replace these habits with smiling more, standing straighter, and having more of a presence wherever you are. When people see that you are friendly and easy to approach, they are more willing to take the chance.
Be helpful, open, and positive
People love positivity, and they notice those around them who are actively helping others (even in the smallest of ways) and encouraging them with positivity. Most importantly, being receptive to what they have to say and engaging with them will give you a major advantage in the social landscape. No matter where you are, try to be a helpful listener to the people around you. This will get their attention and make it easier to form friendships or make the first move.
Take initiative
A lot of socially shy people may expect others to form friendships with them or for them to coordinate social gatherings. While you will find some people who do this, chances are that you will need to become that person first. If you are looking for more friends, become the person who invites others to go places and start friendships. Be the leader to those around you. They will be more willing to interact with you regularly if they are not the only ones trying to maintain friendships.
Be yourself
One big problem that many of us may encounter when trying to make friends is that we may change ourselves to gain friendship. While this can be helpful at first, you can’t hide who you are with your friends. Your true self will eventually be revealed, and this may cause damage to the relationship that you have built with another person. No matter who you have come across in your quest for new friends, you should never try to be someone you are not. Real friends will always accept you for who you are.
The importance of social support
Do you fall into any of the situations listed above? Have you gotten to a point in your life where you think, “Who needs friends?” Many people have let socialization fall to the wayside as they develop other aspects of their lives. However, they are missing out on a key component of their mental and physical health.
Humans are naturally social creatures. From our family to our peers, we thrive when we connect with others, and it shows. Making new friends improves our physical health by boosting our immune system, extending our lifespan (compared to those who live their lives in isolation), and fighting off symptoms of depression while simultaneously improving feelings of general well-being. Besides these many benefits, having a friend who can be there for you is simply a great feeling that is hard to replace with any other activity! If you are ever questioning the need to have people in your life, remember that friends can greatly improve your life experience!
Online therapy for social anxiety and related concerns
Some people naturally have a harder time than others when it comes to making friends, and that’s ok. For example, some people have social anxiety disorder, which is a common type of anxiety disorder that makes it difficult to interact with other people and can often negatively impact their work, school, and social life.
If you have a hard time speaking with others, one of the most important steps that you can take is to reach out to a counselor. Cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) is a popular method of psychotherapy that has been found to help individuals with social anxiety. CBT helps you learn new ways of behaving, thinking, and responding to social situations and also includes teaching new social skills.
Consider telling an online therapist, “I can’t make friends”
Internet-based CBT (iCBT) has been found to be just as effective as in-person therapy, which is particularly important for individuals with social anxiety. Online counseling with Regain gives you the ability to find a counselor who meets your needs without having to travel to an in-person therapist or shift your schedule to meet their availability. Online counseling can remotely help individuals experiencing social anxiety and offers several communication modalities to make you more comfortable.
Takeaway
Making new friends is naturally more difficult for some people than others, but that doesn’t mean it can’t happen. No matter your circumstances, there are ways to connect with other individuals and build lasting friendships. Sometimes, though, you might need a little help. Regain is a relationship-based, online counseling resource that connects you with certified therapists who will provide you with the guidance and advice you need. Just click on the link above, answer a few questions, and begin your counseling journey today!
Frequently asked questions
What are the reasons I can’t make friends?
There may be many reasons why it's hard for you to form new friendships. Here are some of the most common reasons.
Busy life – These days, most people have busy lives that make it difficult to find time to make friends. However, it's important to carve out a few hours every week to make and spend some time with friends.
Low self-esteem – You might feel you do not deserve to have friends or that other people are better than you in some way. It can be hard to form new friendships when you do not have enough self-confidence. Boosting your self-image usually takes time. You may benefit from talking to a therapist about this issue so that you can learn to stop paying attention to your critical inner voice and start loving yourself more. When you do that, you are more likely to have the courage to approach people for friendship and may even become more attractive to them.
Social anxiety – Anxiety can get in the way of your social life. Going out with a group of friends may increase your anxiety, and even being with close friends may make you feel nervous at times. You may question everything you say or do in your social interactions with others. So, it is no wonder that making friends is not easy. If you have suspected you have anxiety to the degree of a disorder, the best thing you can do is see a mental health professional about it.
Difficulty reading social cues – There are four types of social cues: body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, and how much physical space they need to feel comfortable with you. Some people recognize these cues immediately, but others do not have enough experience or insight to realize what is going on in the interaction. Learning to recognize these cues can help you understand when a person is interested in becoming your friend. It can also help you know how to signal your respect for their boundaries and avoid pushing past them. These cues can also help you understand whether someone is really rejecting you or merely trying to feel comfortable in a new situation.
Never learned how – Sometimes, people never learn how to make friends. Perhaps you grew up in a tight-knit community and never needed to develop your friend-making skills. Or maybe you have never had many friends before but always wanted to have them. There is no time like the present! Take a social skills class or talk to a therapist to learn these valuable skills.
Remote lifestyle – You might have trouble making friends because your everyday life does not bring many opportunities to be around other people. If you work from home, as many more people do these days, you need to create opportunities to meet and get to know people. Many people solve this by going to religious activities or volunteering in their community.
Not taking initiative – Often, people wait for others to befriend them. If you leave all the burden on someone else to seek your friendship, you might be waiting a long time. Maybe someone would love to have a friend like you, but they are waiting for you to make the first contact. Or maybe they did not realize you want to be friends. In many cases, you will be able to make friends if you take the initiative.
Not pursuing your interests – Are you going through life just doing the bare essentials? If so, it might be hard to have opportunities to connect with new people. Think about what interests you. Do you like physical activities, like swimming or hiking? Would you prefer spending some time honing your skills, such as cooking, woodworking, or crafting? How about the arts? Do you like music, art, or dance? Whatever it is that brings a smile to your face is a good activity to get involved in. Being with others who share your interests opens a whole new world of opportunity to meet and make friends.
Over-the-top expectations – Have you ever considered that your expectations might be unrealistic? It makes sense to assume that there are people who would like to be your friend. It is also reasonable to expect that you could make some strong, lasting friendships over time. However, if you think the first time you approach someone, they will immediately want to be your best friend, you might be setting yourself up for disappointment. Know that it takes time to develop friendships, and one small effort rarely forges a strong bond.
Is it normal to have no friends?
Instead of asking yourself if having no friends is normal, think of whether it is the best option. Many people like to spend a lot of time alone. But part of being mentally healthy usually includes having a strong social support system. That means having friends who will spend time with you and add an extra dimension of companionship to your life.
Without friends, you are on your own and possibly feeling lonely. You might be able to turn to family, but families often have relationship issues and narrow perspectives on life. Friends offer a different view of life. They also might be more willing to accept you as you are today rather than judge you for the way you were as a child.
What can I do if I have no friends?
If you have no friends, use this simple "recipe" to create a life that is more conducive to friendship. First, pursue your interests. If you do not think you have any interests, try several different activities until you find one that you enjoy. Second, get involved in a group that does that activity. Third, talk to the people who are in the group with you. Next, after you get to know them, invite one of them to do something fun with you. Then, continue to be friendly and reach out to others whether the first person responds positively or not. Eventually, you will likely make good friends or even a best friend. Then, you can enjoy time with your group of friends in that activity and at other times and situations, too.
This experience of turning a group of strangers into a social group can help you learn how to develop close friendships in the future as well. If you or your friends moved, you would have the skills and experience you need to form new close friendships.
Is it OK to be a loner?
Although it is healthy to enjoy time spent alone, being a loner can bring many mental health challenges; even if you do not notice feeling lonely, you will miss out on the social support you can get from friends. Friends provide an outlet for expressing your feelings and talking about your thoughts. A friend is someone you can do pleasant activities with or hang out with together. So, while some solitary time can be a good thing, it's also important to make space in your life for close relationships.
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