Is Friend With Benefits Right For Me? Tips For Keeping Things Strictly Sexual

Have you been hearing the phrase “friends with benefits” more often lately? Do you have any idea what this means or exactly what the benefits may entail? It’s a common term that is often heard on reality television, amongst friends, or in a younger group of peers. While the phrase itself makes the meaning relatively obvious, the idea of a friends-with-benefits relationship could be misconstrued in the presence of a certain company (it is highly unlikely that the phrase is referencing insurance or medical benefits of any type).

It's crucial to understand what type of connection is formed when people enter a friends with benefits relationship, as not everyone may be on the same page regarding what benefits are involved. Additionally, friends-with-benefits relationships may present a unique set of challenges that the people involved did not anticipate. After reading this article, you can feel more assured whether a friends-with-benefits relationship between you and another person is a good or not-so-good idea.

What do friends with benefits mean?

The simplest explanation of friends with benefits (FWB) is a relationship where intimacy exists between two people without commitment. People who engage in this type of relationship are primarily interested in hook-ups only and there is no romantic or monogamous relationship, whatsoever. In many cases, one or both of the friends with benefits may see other people and have the option to date other people. It’s a no-strings-attached type of relationship, which is attractive to many people.

Can a FWB relationship work for you?

If you have been flirting with a friend or having thoughts of sleeping with a friend, but your attachment doesn’t extend beyond a desire for physical interaction, a friends-with-benefits arrangement may work for you. There are a few things to consider before entering into an arrangement of this type. Consider this friends-with-benefits advice before making any moves. You might also want to take a friends-with-benefits quiz just to be more certain.

Get clear on the arrangement and establish expectations

It is highly recommended to set friends with benefits rules. If you are pursuing a friends-with-benefits arrangement with a person, it’s imperative that both parties have a clear understanding of the conditions and extent of the benefits. 

In many cases, you can’t expect any emotional or mental support from each other because it’s not a part of the arrangement. Additionally, a friends-with-benefits relationship usually allows those involved to see other people without the other person acting jealous or territorial. To carry out the conditions of the arrangement, it may require eliminating or avoiding participating in certain activities, going out on dates, or attending social events together.

Be sure that you and the “friend” are in it for the same benefits

Engaging in a FWB arrangement requires open communication between the two people. Both should always be honest and upfront about what they want from each other. This is necessary to prevent feelings from being hurt, confusion, and sending out mixed signals. 

Approach the conversation with clarity and openness about what you expect to gain from the engagement. Doing so can simplify things and makes it easy for both parties to move forward with just being FWB. If challenges occur because of mixed feelings or changes at heart, continuing may not be the best idea.

Make sure you want nothing more than a FWB arrangement with this person

People often make the mistake of settling for less in hopes of getting more. This cannot be the case with this arrangement because it could lead to regret, significant hurt, and the loss of a friend. If you’re interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with a friend, tell them. This conversation should be approached before physical intimacy takes place and not afterwards. If you find that you’re having difficulty respecting the agreement or desire to have more, a relationship counselor can help you work through these feelings.

Expect your FWB to see and be physically involved with other people

One of the most challenging aspects of a FWB relationship is for you to acknowledge that they may be seeing someone else, romantically. Your “friend” may have someone that they’re engaged with romantically and be happy with almost every aspect of the relationship, but for some reason, they enjoy the arrangement that they have with you. You should not address that relationship negatively or develop any emotions about it at all in a healthy FWB arrangement. If you’re having difficulty accepting that your friend has other people in their life, you should not continue the arrangement.

Keep things fun

Most people in arrangements like this are in it strictly for fun. In order for it to work, both parties should experience fulfillment and happiness in the arrangement. There must be a level of contentment for both people and it should be acceptable for either person to pursue romantic relationships guilt. Never allow the arrangement you have with your friend to take the fun out of life, even the physical intimacy. If you want to date someone or sleep with someone, it’s your right to do so. After all, there are no commitments when all you’re doing is sleeping with a friend.

Be transparent about your sex life

Do not keep the other person to be in the dark about your sex life. There are no expectations in the arrangements, but both parties should expect the other to be considerate and cautious of their health and well-being. If you’re seeing other people sexually, you don’t need to divulge intimate details but make sure the other person knows that they’re not the only one with whom you’re sleeping.

If you’re having unprotected sex with others, make it clear with your friend with benefits partner. This is the most important part of engaging in this type of arrangement. It’s crucial to be honest with them about every aspect of your sexual life so that they can make the best decisions regarding their own sexual health.

Be friends first

This suggestion only applies to situations where there was an actual friendship initially. Don’t become so comfortable with the sexual benefits that you forget or disregard your role as a friend. Sometimes your friend may need someone to listen to their problems. If you played this role before, don’t allow sex to change your behavior. The nourishment of the initial relationship is conducive to a successful arrangement between two people who desire to only be physically involved with a person; being kind and a good friend in a FWB situation doesn’t necessarily mean you’re “catching feelings.” The majority of couples say that their partner is their best friend, which may not be the best approach in a FWB situation.

Keep your arrangement between the two of you

It may be healthier to keep the arrangement secret and not make others privy to what you are doing. Sometimes outsiders try to influence you to do or have more from the arrangement. They may try to make you feel that you are settling or being used by agreeing to this. These sentiments are only true if you feel this way, not because someone else says you should feel these things.

Not everyone will understand or agree with your decision. That’s fine because being FWB may not be for everyone. If it makes you and your friend happy, that’s the only thing that matters.

Respect your other relationships

If you are involved in a romantic or exclusive relationship with someone else, entering into a FWB agreement may be unwise. Your desire to have your cake and eat it too may have gotten the best of you. Healthy relationships are those where secrets aren’t kept and all parties are privy to what’s going on inside the relationship. If you want a successful FWB arrangement, avoid developing a committed relationship with someone else.

How to keep things strictly sexual

Sometimes, it can be hard to identify what’s acceptable and what isn’t in a friends-with-benefits arrangement. Although guidelines should be established upfront, questions could arise at any time during the arrangement. These FWB rules can help keep you on track with the agreement.

Love is not the objective

This type of arrangement constitutes a different direction and an entirely different objective, sex and not love. Do not expect your friend to be overly mushy or romantic because that wasn’t part of the initial agreement. It is an easy rule to initiate but it can be difficult to abide by this one, especially if feelings get involved. If you're wondering "Does my guy friend have feelings for me?" while you're in an FWB relationship, assess his behavior and remind him of your FWB rules – this applies to people involved in all types of relationship dynamics.

It’s common and quite understandable that these feelings may develop, but if and when they do, pull yourself out of it and recall the reason you didn’t pursue more with each other from the start.

Avoid sending random text unless you are arranging a hook-up

You should restrict texts to setting up a time and place to be physical. Refrain from texting to ask how their day went or if they want to meet for drinks. These are casual texts that should be sent to friends or romantic interests. These types of texts can send mixed signals.

Do not close the door on new opportunities

FWBs should remain open to the idea of a relationship with others. It’s possible that you could meet the person of your dreams while you’re in an FWB arrangement. It’s difficult for some people to entertain the idea of meeting someone new if they’re involved in a sexual arrangement with a friend.

The most important rule of all is to abide by all rules to make the most of the friends with benefits arrangement. If you’re concerned that feelings have evolved, speak openly with your friend about it. The initial agreement requires honesty and this is something that both should be honest about. It allows each to make informed decisions regarding whether or not to continue with the arrangement or work towards something more.

Seek relationship advice in online therapy

Navigating a FWB relationship can be tricky. An online counselor can be a great resource to have in your corner should questions arise or feelings change. You may find yourself wanting help in learning how to enforce boundaries, initiate difficult conversations, or end a relationship that no longer serves you. The licensed therapists at Regain have assisted many individuals with similar goals and the flexibility of online therapy platforms like Regain may be appealing to people who only wish to use counseling services for a short-term goal.

When you use Regain, you can meet virtually with your therapist through videoconferencing, by phone, or via text messaging. Schedule sessions at times that work for your schedule as opposed to leaving work early because an in-person therapist only has a particular slot open from 2-3 PM every other Wednesday. 

You can even attend online counseling with your FWB, if it feels appropriate. Many couples in different types of relationships have experienced positive outcomes from attending online therapy, including improved relationship satisfaction and strengthened overall mental health. Consider reading some of the counselor reviews below, written from people who worked with licensed Regain therapists to achieve their goals.

Counselor reviews

“Lakesha was absolutely amazing! She helped me find myself and realize my self-worth in such a short period! I highly recommend her services she is FRESH and has amazing insight!”

"My experience with Priscilla has been immensely helpful in better understanding myself and providing me with the tools to see my life and relationships with more clarity and compassion."

Takeaway

Friends-with-benefits relationships are not inherently good or bad. Your compatibility with this type of arrangement will depend on your needs in the current moment and how those align with your friend with whom you have a physical attraction. Also, while a FWB arrangement may not work in one case, it could be wonderful in another situation. In times where you feel unclear or uncertain about the tenability of an FWB arrangement, you can reach out to a professional online therapist at Regain for support. They will work with you in a supportive, nonjudgmental way to build relationships which sustain you and dissolve relationships that hold you back.