I Started Sleeping With A Friend--Now What?

A healthy friendship can offer love, joy, and support throughout life’s ups and downs. There are some cases, though, when friends teeter over into something a little bit more, and you find yourselves in bed together. Now what? It may take a combination of open communication and time to decide how to best proceed, whether as friends, partners, or something else. But with the right support and guidance, you can likely maintain or develop a relationship with your friend that makes sense for you.

You've slept with your friend-now what?

Overall, the first step you may want to take after you've slept with a friend is to talk. You likely cannot know where you or your friend stand if you do not go about communicating your position and asking for theirs. Sleeping with a friend doesn’t have to spell the end of a good friendship or necessarily the beginning of a heavily committed romantic relationship; communicating can act as the foundation of any relationship, including one that features a friend with benefits arrangement. 

Communicating what you wanted from your encounter might be the first talking point, and deciding what to do next may follow. If you do not want to continue a physical relationship, it’s probably best to say so with kindness and compassion. If you want to try a physical relationship, but without romance, say so. If you are interested in something else entirely, say so! And give your friend space and opportunity to do the same.

Wait, what does “friends with benefits” mean?

The term friends with benefits (FWB) does not have a distinct origin, or a definitive point of creation, but it may be commonly used to describe friendships that also feature sexual or intimate activity. This term can describe many different arrangements, some of which may be healthier than others.

Although there are some general guidelines most people might follow when flirting with a friend or proposing an FWB relationship, the exact rules and boundaries for these relationships can vary. The only true rule within this type of relationship usually is the absence of the expectation of a romantic relationship, or a furthering of the FWB arrangement.

Friends with benefits: Advice

FWB relationships might begin organically, but they may also come after a period of deliberation and discussion. 

While there may be something to be said for the spontaneity of an organically developed FWB situation, there might also be a greater chance of someone getting hurt if two friends simply begin sleeping together. One person might think it is the start of something new between you, while the other may just be glad to have had a partner for the night. If at all possible, it may be best to try to begin any arrangement like this with a careful discussion of expectations, wants needs, and boundaries.

If, however, the FWB relationship has already started, with nary a conversation in sight, it can help to take the time to have a conversation. It might be awkward, but it might also be an easy-going, simple conversation. Either way, it can be an important way to ensure everyone is on the same page and that no feelings are disregarded.

Friends with benefits: Rules

Friends with benefits often have a simple set of rules in place. These can differ across couples, but some basics should generally at least be discussed before entering into this kind of arrangement. Examples may include:

1) Sleeping and dining arrangements

Do you and your FWB sleep over at one another's houses, or do you prefer separate sleeping quarters? Do you have breakfast together, if you do a bed, or do you slip out of the door quietly and without a fuss? While it may not seem like a big deal, having drastically different ideas of what should occur in a FWB setup can lead to conflict and other unintended consequences. Knowing what you expect of your FWB and what they can expect of you can keep the relationship easygoing and smooth.

2) Communication needs

Do you and your FWB communicate regularly, or ease off of casual conversation? Do you discuss politics before going to bed or offer a quick "hello!" before hopping into your birthday suit? Are sexual encounters expected to be brief, or do both partners get to experience orgasm during your time together? Again, these might not be questions you'd necessarily ask a typical friend, but the nature of your relationship with an FWB may warrant clear expectations. Nailing down what you want in terms of communication, frequency, and duration can all help the two of you make sure you are on the same track, and that neither of you is feeling frustrated, restless, or uncared-for.

3) Dating habits

Are the two of you allowed to date while you are sleeping together? If one of you starts dating someone seriously, is that automatic termination of your arrangement? Different couples may have different rules about sexual encounters, so knowing where the two of you stand if one of you starts dating can be important. 

4) Possible termination protocols

How will you come to an agreement if one of you wants to break the relationship off? There may be countless reasons an FWB relationship might meet its end: someone might start dating a new partner, someone might feel the relationship is getting too close, and some might simply feel that the two of you have run your course, and nothing more needs to be said (or done). Whatever the reason may be, knowing what the protocol is should one of you want to stop having sex can be highly beneficial.

Friends with benefits: Dangers

Not every FWB is destined for gloom and heartbreak. In some cases, two people may sincerely enjoy having a sexual relationship but do not have an interest in a romantic attachment. In these cases, the FWB might go just fine. In many cases, though, FWB relationships might go awry because one (if not both) of the people in the relationship develops feelings for the other and express an interest in wanting to move toward a romantic relationship.

FWB relationships might also go amiss because one person in the relationship has attachments elsewhere, and that attachment grows jealous of the relationship. 

These relationships can also hit a hitch if one person wants to terminate the "benefits" part of the relationship or any reason, and the other one does not. 

No matter what happens, a FWB situation can pose some risk to the integrity of your friendship itself. You can help mitigate this risk by communicating honestly and openly as much as possible, even if it’s uncomfortable. If your friend is someone you care about deeply and want to continue to be friends with no matter what, it can be vital to make sure you both feel like you can talk to each other about what’s going on without fear of judgement. 

Seeking professional guidance

Being able to sift through what you are thinking or feeling and gaining the perspective of an someone on the outside can both do wonderful things for your clarity. It may also help you determine what you would like going forward. Talking to a professional like a therapist might give you the chance to learn more about what you want and how to best pursue it. 

You may even want to consider online therapy, which can be easier to navigate in situations you might consider delicate or and may be able to help you sort through the aftermath of sleeping with a friend. You can join sessions right from the comfort of your own home.

Research suggests that in addition to being an effective treatment option, online therapy can also be more cost-effective for those who seek it out. That means online therapy might help you save money, time, and stress, all while offering you the opportunity to get some advice on how to move forward.

Takeaway

If you have started sleeping with a friend, the first thing to do is likely having an open discussion about where you’re at and what you’d like to do moving forward. After this discussion is had, you can create the framework for the particulars between the two of you. Ultimately, the goal may be to create a mutually satisfying relationship that fuses friendship and sex, or to simply move on. No matter what, try your best to make the right choice for your needs.