My Boyfriend Is My Best Friend—Should We Get Married?

Dating your best friend can be a very fulfilling experience, but for some, it can add complications when it comes time to contemplate a more permanent commitment. This can be doubly so when addressing the perhaps inevitable questions from well-meaning friends and loved ones about when and if you’ll get married.  Even if you and your boyfriend have discussed the possibility of marriage, and it seems they’re ready to commit, you may still have doubts. This is normal, and the idea of binding yourself to one person forever, even if they are your best friend, can be intimidating. 

But it’s possible to work through doubts to envision a (realistically) happy future married to your best friend. Here are a few questions to consider if you’re debating on whether it’s time to get married or give your relationship some more time to grow:

How long have you been dating?

While the length of a relationship isn't a determining factor in every couple’s decision to marry, there are some statistics that you might want to consider. In a survey of over 3,000 people, researchers at Emory University asked couples about the length of their dating, engagements, and weddings. They found that couples who dated 1-2 years before getting married were 20% less likely to divorce. And couples who dated for three or more years were 50% less likely to get a divorce. If you’re in doubt, waiting might help contribute to your success as a married couple later. 

How well do you know your partner?

Do you know each other's differences? How similar are you in your expectation of what a marriage should be? Have you discussed kids and parenting styles? Do you know each other's financial situation? Just because your partner is also your best friend doesn’t necessarily mean it’s easy to talk about the heavy things, but it's crucial if you want a marriage that will thrive. Pre-marital questionnaires and counseling are great ways to have sometimes difficult conversations, as someone can facilitate them for you. 

Why do you want to get married?

Take a moment to think about why you want to get married in general. Is it because you want to spend forever with your partner or something else? Do you think it will fix any difficulties you may be experiencing in your relationship? Weddings are a celebration of a happy and healthy relationship where you hope for the years to come. But some marriages start without that strong foundation. If you are trying to “fix “your relationship with marriage, it’s unlikely to be successful in the long run.  

While you consider these questions, get your boyfriend’s input on them as well. If he's already gotten a ring, he may have already thought about what the future will look like for you and is optimistic that you’ll be successful. But if he's contemplating marriage for the “wrong” reasons, it may be time for you both to reevaluate and discuss the decision. 

Before anyone pops the question, ensure you have an open line of communication. You don't have to make any definitive plans, especially if you like the idea of a surprise proposal. But you should both be prepared for the reality of married life and start asking the crucial questions to ensure you're compatible for marriage, not just dating.

How do you envision the future?

What do you see when you think about married life in the future? Marriage may be a good choice if you can honestly envision yourself and your partner as happy and healthy together. However, there are arguments and disagreements that you’ve had in the past and think you won’t be able to solve in the future, or if you know that there are reoccurring arguments that you can't seem to overcome, it may help to pause and give some extra thought to if marriage is suitable for you. Saying "no" to marriage now doesn't have to mean you won't ever get married. But sometimes, slowing down for caution’s sake can save relationships. 

Successful marriages are often founded on the same values and similar background influences. This may include religious preferences (although some research suggests religion isn’t an absolute indicator of a successful marriage), work ethic, family interaction, sexual faithfulness, and others. Knowing that the two of you agree about these issues can instill some confidence that you will work together in the marriage. Take some time to think about what is important to you. Do you or your partner have “deal breakers?” If you both choose not to discuss things that could come up over the course of a marriage, consider talking about those with your partner before getting married.

Do you want a marriage—or a wedding?

Some people get absorbed in the idea of a wedding without considering what happens when the honeymoon is over. Similarly, some couples are motivated to get married by the excitement of an engagement and everything that goes into planning a wedding. Once the music ends and the guests go home, how do you feel about spending the rest of your life with your new spouse? If you’re looking forward to celebrating your union, but what you really want is to build a life with your partner, you may be ready to wed. 

Online therapy can help you make the right call

It’s normal to wish to see into the future so you might glimpse your success as a married couple. Since it isn’t possible to do that, asking the sometimes tricky questions may be the closest thing we have. Are you ready to jump headfirst into planning a wedding? Do you feel you need to talk to your partner a little more? Are you scared because you aren't sure one way or another? Communication about these issues is essential; ultimately, the choice to marry lies with you and your boyfriend.  

Many couples seek the advice of a premarital counselor when faced with such significant life decisions together-- but some encounter challenges around scheduling, accessibility, and affordability that make it difficult to get the guidance they need. Online therapy platforms like Regain provide an excellent solution to these barriers to therapy. You can speak to a Regain therapist on your schedule, alone or together, from the comfort of home via text, phone, online chat, or video chat. Online therapy is often more affordable than traditional therapy without insurance, and it’s often as effective as conventional in-person therapy for helping couples resolve relationship issues, strengthen communication, and create strong bonds for the future. 

For example, a 2020 Australian study measured couples’ satisfaction and success with online relationship therapy over six sessions, with a follow-up assessment three months after the last session. According to the study’s findings:

“Couples were able to connect with their therapist, and engage in the process, often noting that they would forget the computer screen was between them. Couples further noted that the video actually allowed for the alliance to be enhanced, as there was a greater perceived focus on the process of therapy. Furthermore couples noted feeling less judged, which in turn allowed them to reveal more vulnerable thoughts and feelings. Overall, couples found the experience to be positive and engaging, in spite of, and in many cases because of, connecting with the therapist through a computer screen.”

Takeaway

If you’re marrying your best friend, premarital counseling with a professional is a great way to set yourself up for success. It allows you to work proactively toward a prosperous future together, and putting in the time and effort shows your best friend that you care and value the bond you share.