12 Ways To Become A Good Listener

Listening takes focus and involves a level of interest and care. Being a good listener is something that some people seem to do well, while the vast majority of people really have to work at it. If someone doesn't care to be an effective listener, it can be difficult to achieve, which can hinder them from growing and moving forward in the area of communication in general. Although becoming a good listener can be a difficult task, it’s possible to improve your skills with effort, patience, and time. Here are 12 tips that may help you toward your goal of becoming a better listener.

Focus on what the person is saying, not what you're going to say next

During a conversation, many people are so focused on what they're going to say next that they miss much of what the other person is saying. If the other person is still talking to you, it can be important to listen to understand, not to respond. An individual that isn't practicing active listening may make a comment that is counter to what's been talked about or something that changes the subject at hand. They may also ask a question that's already been answered. Being a good listener means focusing on what is being said at the moment rather than what you (as the listener) want to say next. By doing this, you can show that you actually care about the person that is doing the talking.

Repeat back what they say to you with a response

When someone says something to you and you repeat it back to them in a paraphrased way, it can convey that you’re someone who pays attention. This is called mirroring, and it's not about regurgitating what they said verbatim but about understanding the spirit of what they said and what they meant by it. The listener repeats their impression back and can expand what they think or feel or offer any feedback they may have. By continuing this process, it becomes obvious to the speaker that they are being heard and that they are being recognized.

Empathize and sympathize with their feelings

Everyone has thoughts and feelings, and showing empathy makes for a good listener. It shows that the listener is paying attention and that they understand what's being said. It also shows that they care about the speaker as a person because they are commiserating with what they are going through and are willing to offer support and encouragement as much as possible.

Remove distractions

Getting rid of anything that could prove to be a distraction can be wise. It helps ensure that there's nothing to pull either person away from the conversation. A television going in the background, a phone ringing, or any other outside noise can be a distraction, no matter how well-intentioned both parties are. Getting rid of those things makes it easier for both parties to pay attention to the conversation and the person in front of them.

Do not interrupt 

It can be essential to allow someone speaking to finish their thoughts before chiming in. Interrupting may tell the listener that you don’t really care what they have to say or that you feel as though your thoughts are more important than theirs. This can also show a lack of respect as well as signal a lack of attention. Interruptions are generally used to express a point or comment with little or nothing to do with the original topic of conversation, which may cause the other person to lose their train of thought. 

Pay attention to body language 

Body language gives off non-verbal cues that can tell the listener more about what the speaker is thinking and feeling but not saying. Responding to these cues can dramatically increase the level of trust and companionship between the two parties. It can make it more obvious that the listener cares and is fully paying attention. It can be easy to hear what someone is saying and believe something entirely different from what they are trying to convey because of preconceived notions, misinterpreting tone, and more.

Ask relevant questions to the conversation

Asking questions relevant to the conversation can be another way to show that the listener is paying attention. Questions help convey that the full context of the conversation was understood and that the listener wants to know even more about the topic being expressed. This shows a level of interest in something that may or may not pertain to them and may suggest that they are also a good listener.

Take time to think before speaking

Even after the speaker is done talking, it can be wise to take a moment to think before speaking. If the listener has been fully engaged in listening to the other person and focused on what they are saying, they likely won't have much to say until they take a moment to process what they've just heard. It’s for this reason that good listening can greatly improve the level of conversation. It also allows the speaker to see that the listener takes this conversation seriously and is trying to formulate a productive response.

Do not compare their situation to your own

Comparing a situation or experience that you've just heard about with one of your own may make the speaker feel like you aren't paying attention. While your intention may be to try to relate to them, it may feel to the speaker like you’re trying to revert all the attention onto you. This can make the speaker feel less inclined to give more information or to talk with you again. Instead of offering up your own stories, try to simply pay attention to what’s being said. 

Follow up later with the discussion

Checking in with the speaker later to find out more about the discussion is another way to show your skill at listening. If you can get back together with the speaker and follow up on discussions about how they are doing, it can illustrate that you were indeed paying attention and that continued to think about the conversation even after it ended. A follow-up to the conversation can also show that you find the original speaker important enough that you want to check back in with them later.

Show that you're listening

During listening, you can lean toward the speaker and keep eye contact to show engagement. Nodding along or even making simple sounds that show attention can all be positive signs. These little cues show the person they are being listened to and that the things they’re saying are coming across and making sense. Other types of non-verbal communication or body language can also show that you grasp what they’re trying to express. Certain facial expressions convey a sense of understanding or help the individual realize that the listener is really paying attention.

Don’t give unsolicited advice

In many cases, what a person needs may be different than what you think they need. Rather than offering your advice, they may simply just want you to listen. Even if you’ve been in a similar situation and think you could offer helpful solutions to the person’s dilemma, giving your two cents may only make them more confused or stressed. Before giving advice, ensure that the speaker wants it. You can ask something like “Do you want me to listen or try to help?” Depending on their answer, you can know how to proceed.

Online counseling with Regain

It can be natural to struggle with being a good listener, but there are plenty of ways to grow. If you need guidance and advice as you improve your natural skills and gain new ones, you could benefit from speaking with a professional. Regain is an online platform that has a variety of mental health providers who can help you work on yourself in a healthy and positive environment. With online counseling, you can interact with your therapist from the comfort of your own home and connect through video chats, phone calls, or in-app messaging. You can have your sessions from anywhere you have an internet connection and according to your availability. If you need someone to listen as you work on your own communication skills, consider matching with an online therapist. 

The effectiveness of online counseling 

Online counseling can be advantageous for those who would like to improve their listening skills. In one study, researchers set out to see if an online couples therapy intervention could improve the couples’ relationship. They found that the Couple CARE program taught participants important relationship skills such as effective listening skills, speaking skills, and caring behaviors to sustain mutually satisfying relationships in the long term. The intervention also showed high levels of participant satisfaction, as well as outcomes like relationship contentment and durability.

Takeaway

Listening can be an important skill for anyone to have in both their personal and professional lives. Knowing how to actively listen to other people can help you show concern for others and understand what they are trying to say. Without good listening skills, many other aspects of communication can be lost. Recognizing that you could be a better listener can be a positive first step in a new direction. Whether you view listening as a natural ability or something that takes time to learn, you can improve in this area with the right tools and guidance. Online counseling can be a helpful resource if you’d like to understand how to become a more effective listener. A therapist can help you learn how to be present in conversations with others and equip you with techniques that allow you to respond in a productive manner.