“I Love You”: How Three Words Can Change A Relationship

Saying “I love you” for the first time can be a significant relationship milestone. In American culture, there are stereotypes about women saying these three important words too quickly and men being terrified at the prospect. Media portrayals notwithstanding, many people find the prospect of confessing their love daunting or even frightening. This may stem from a fear of rejection, but there may be more to it. Saying “I love you” can fundamentally change the dynamics of a relationship, for better or for worse.

The psychology of love

What exactly love is remains up for debate. To some, love might be little more than a biological reaction designed to help perpetuate the human species. To others, love can be a magical, transcendent experience worthy of poetry and endless reflection. Still others say love is a mystery that does not need solving and should simply be enjoyed. 

Psychology may provide more answers. In essence, love may involve both your head and your heart, metaphorically speaking. Hormones can play a role, as biologists might argue, but there could be many other factors at play such as family history, mental health, and environment. Despite conventional wisdom suggesting that opposites attract, psychological studies demonstrate that people flock to individuals who possess traits, backgrounds, or interests similar to their own.

Love can be a function of your body’s reward system, particularly at the beginning. The hormones released in your body when you begin to fall in love are akin to a natural high. This is both a biological and psychological response. Biology dictates that people fall in love to further the species while psychology argues falling in love is a pleasurable, almost addictive experience.

As time goes on, love may shift from infatuation and gradually move into the stage of love that includes a long-term commitment, companionship, and comfort. This may create a sense of bonding, safety, and well-being, all of which may contribute to improved psychological health.

Saying “I love you” versus feeling love

Expressing something may be far different than feeling it. Someone who struggles with impulse control, for instance, might think about throwing their textbook at their least favorite professor’s head. Still, the consequences would be much different if that student had expressed that impulse. Telling someone you love them might also have certain consequences, some of which might prove detrimental to your partnership.

Feeling love is usually a source of excitement and happiness. When you feel love for someone, you might feel excited at the prospect of having a future together. Perhaps you feel happy when the two of you are together, and you want to be around the other person as often as possible. Feeling love may involve a deep appreciation for someone else’s quirks and traits. It might also include a deeper appreciation for yourself as you start to see yourself through your partner’s eyes.

Expressing love can be remarkably different from the experience of feeling love. Expressing love can feel frightening, risky, and uncertain, for example. You may worry your partner might think you are moving too fast and break off the relationship as a result. Perhaps you’re concerned your love may not be mutual. These are valid concerns.

How “I love you” changes relationships

Often, saying “I love you” changes a romantic relationship. It may change in a positive way, or it may change in a way one or both of you find detrimental. The exact nature of the change may depend on the duration of the relationship and the emotional attachment and interest of both involved partners. Romantic relationships may change after love is professed in the following ways:

1) It gives the relationship more weight

A casual relationship is just that: casual. When you bring the “L-word” in, that relationship can suddenly skyrocket from being a casual fling to being a more involved partnership. If you are invested in your relationship and your partner is similarly interested, a profession of love will likely add an intensity to what you are both experiencing. If, however, you are only mildly interested and your partner professes their love (or vice versa), the weight of the relationship can suddenly feel like a burden rather than a source of pleasure or joy.

2) It may instigate a physical relationship

In some cases, people say “I love you” to prompt a more intimate physical relationship. Notably, men have been found to fall in love faster and profess their love sooner in a relationship. Some may see these early professions of love as merely a means of soliciting sex rather than sincere declarations of affection.

3) It may prompt a premature discussion

Saying “I love you” can prompt an in-depth relationship discussion that may reveal two partners on uneven footing. If one person in the relationship is head over heels and ready to commit while the other is only partially committed, confessing love can quickly reveal this disparity. As a result, one or both parties may feel that ending the relationship is the best course of action.

4) It suggests exclusivity

Finally, saying, “I love you” suggests the presence of exclusivity in the relationship. Although a healthy romantic relationship should involve clear communication rather than assumptions about commitment, professing your love for someone does suggest that you are primarily interested in them and them alone.

When “I love you” is a red flag

These three words can also change a relationship when they throw up a red flag. Hearing an unexpected “I love you” after a bad fight or after a partner has physically, emotionally, or mentally abused you, for instance, can all indicate the presence of manipulation in your relationship. That is, telling you they love you might be a way to keep you firmly rooted in the relationship when you have had enough of the arguing or abuse. Although it might seem romantic or even apologetic, saying “I love you” in this context could be a calculated move to prevent you from moving on from the relationship or seeking help.

“I love you” can also be a red flag if someone’s actions do not line up with their words. It may be helpful to remember that abuse is not the only reason relationships do not work out. If your partner does not seem to respect you or behaves inconsiderately toward you, a profession of love alone may not be enough to save the relationship. Often, one of the best ways to progress in a relationship like this is to either seek counseling as a couple or as an individual to get to the root of any trauma or unhealthy beliefs you might have that could be keeping you in a toxic relationship.

About relationship counseling

If you find that a profession of love does indeed change your relationship, a relationship counselor can help you navigate the repercussions. You can attend sessions alone or with your partner, whichever you prefer. 

It can be difficult to reach out to a professional counselor in person for advice about relationships. You may feel intimidated about the process or reserved about the prospect of being vulnerable with your feelings. Many people report feeling more at ease in an online setting versus a clinical environment like a therapist’s office. An added advantage is the convenience factor; online counseling can be accessed from home at a time that best suits your schedule. 

This form of remote relationship counseling has been proven effective. A recent study found that internet-based therapy provided via videoconferencing can deliver positive outcomes for not only individuals, but couples and families as well. 

Takeaway

Saying “I love you” can be an important part of a relationship’s progression. When one or both of you profess your love, the relationship may escalate from a casual one to a more serious commitment. This can be a welcome shift or one that brings up complications or discomfort. Saying “I love you” may not be a bad thing, but it can lead to alterations in how you and your partner interact with and relate to one another. These changes could include placing more weight on the relationship, imposing physical expectations on one another, prompting a “define the relationship” discussion, and suggesting exclusivity, all of which heavily and interminably alter the relationship’s direction and commitment level. If you need help overcoming these or other relationship hurdles, reach out to a Regain counselor for support.