Four Reasons Why Getting Back With An Ex Is A Bad Idea

You can probably find a lot of ways to rationalize getting back with an ex, especially if you haven't quite moved on post breakup. While some people get back with their ex and enjoy a healthier, happier relationship the next time around, others find that the situation only worsens. Even if it sounds like a wise choice on paper, in reality, you might be making a mistake that’s led by emotions rather than logic. In this article, we’ll discuss why getting back with an ex could be a poor decision and how you can continue moving on with your life should you decide to stay broken up.

It can open old wounds

Couples can resolve some of the most destructive conflicts; after all, many marriages still survive after infidelity has taken place. Sometimes, breakups can also remind people why they valued that person in the first place. However, many relationships end in a big fight without any resolution or closure to what happened. When these individuals get back together, they may end up in an unhealthy relationship all over again.

People can forgive, but they won't forget, and there is the possibility that the initial reason for the breakup resurfaces at some point. For instance, someone might bring up their partner’s infidelity during a fight, which can create even more tension in the relationship. If both people cannot move on from the past and continue to hold grudges, the relationship is less likely to work the next time around. If someone is still bringing up the past, it means that they likely aren’t fully healed from the event and that it's still on their mind, even if they’ve expressed forgiveness.

If you feel strongly about getting back with an ex and you feel like you are doing the right thing, it is often recommended that you both attend counseling so that you can learn how to communicate and manage conflict. Conflict can be inevitable in any relationship, and it can be crucial that you both know how to adapt to these situations.

Alternatively, because getting back together with your ex can be very rocky, it might be a wiser decision to try to move on and find someone new. Understandably, you have sentimental feelings towards this person, and you want to relive them, but having a clean slate might be more beneficial in the long run. Studies show that having on-off relationships with exes can increase symptoms of depression and anxiety if it becomes a pattern. 

There may be trust issues

Trust can be built and earned fairly easily for a lot of individuals, but it can also be taken away just as quickly. If you and your ex had a bad breakup, there is a possibility that someone's trust was broken in the process, and this can be challenging to mend. When trust is broken, it can carry even into new relationships. Therefore, it’s understandable that trust could still be an issue when getting back with an ex who engaged in some type of betrayal. 

Just as old wounds and reminders of the previous separation can be brought up, trust issues might be at the forefront of at least one of the individual's minds, and they might never completely go away. As an example, consider that one of the partners has cheated. If the couple gets back together, the partner who was betrayed may constantly be worried that the ex that they've gotten back with back will return to their old ways, even if they talked it out. 

Sometimes this can cause the concerned individual to confront and interrogate their partner about their whereabouts, why they didn't answer their phone, or whom they were talking to on the phone. This isn’t a guarantee, but it is a possibility. Even if you're completely innocent and doing your best to make things work again, that trust might not be there. If you insist on getting back with your ex, you can learn how to rebuild trust with one another through counseling and other methods.

You might be getting together out of loneliness and boredom

Loneliness creates stress and can leave people prone to physical and mental health issues, and it's only natural to try to find ways to relieve these feelings. However, having your ex back in your life might not be in your best interests, even if it seems like a helpful solution.

When the possibility of getting back with an ex is an option that's on the table, it's easy to start looking at things with rose-colored glasses. That means that you're likely optimistic about things, but your views might not necessarily be realistic. Rather, they may be emotionally driven and not logic-focused. You might also start turning a blind eye to the problems that originally put an end to the relationship. Maybe you were cheated on, but the loneliness is powerful enough for you to consider getting back together—you might even be the one who initiates it.

However, this can be destructive because you probably haven’t fully processed everything that happened and given yourself time to heal. You may just be putting a band-aid over the problem instead of fully addressing it and moving on.

Instead of jumping back into a relationship with your ex, it can be important to learn how to manage your loneliness. Try to think about the situation objectively and don't focus on the "what-ifs" about getting back together with your ex. You may realize that you're just trying to feel something again and that this is the quickest (rather than the best) solution to the problem.

A wiser solution may be doing your own thing and finding ways to grow as a person. Breakups can be difficult, and you might find yourself single for a while. It may seem unfathomable to think about moving on and being with someone else, but help is available to you. This is a long-term solution, and it can give you the experience to cope with future breakups should you go through them.  

You might get your hopes up

If you start to think about the possibility of getting back together with your ex, there is the possibility that they don’t feel the same way. You might reach out, only to be turned down, which can make the pain you’re already feeling even worse. 

Further, if you reignite a relationship, you may feel like you have a duty or obligation to make things work again. When the same problems arise in the relationship, it may be even harder to break things off this time around. Maybe things go well for a time and then become toxic again. You may discover that your ex hasn’t changed after all. You might have wasted your time, created more heartbreak, and gotten your hopes up just to have them squashed. While you could mentally prepare yourself for this, it may be wiser to avoid it entirely. Remember that there was a reason you two split up in the first place. Consider this a lesson learned and use your experience to create a happier, healthier future for yourself and your partner whenever they come along.

Online counseling with Regain

If you’re still weighing your options and can’t decide whether to get back with your ex or not, talking to a therapist could be beneficial. A therapist can help you uncover and address what went wrong in the relationship and give you tools for preventing similar situations in the future. They can also teach you how to become a happier, healthier version of yourself. Should you decide to get back with your ex, they can equip you with the skills needed to communicate more effectively, build trust, and address issues from the past as well as those that may come up later. At Regain, licensed professionals are available online to help you each step of the way. Online counseling is often more convenient and affordable than traditional options. Regain provides counseling for couples so that you have the choice to attend sessions alone or with your partner. The freedom to choose what your experience looks like may make online counseling right for you.

The effectiveness of online counseling 

Online counseling can be a helpful tool for those trying to move past a breakup. One study published by the Journal of Experimental Psychology found that an online cognitive therapy approach encouraged participants to rethink their relationship's negative aspects and helped them get over their ex. In this study, they wrote down all the negative traits of their ex that they could think of. Although focusing on the unsettling parts of the relationship made them feel worse at first, it ultimately allowed them to detach from their ex more effectively in the long run. Cognitive therapy is an approach that helps people learn how to reframe their unhelpful thoughts into more supportive ones, thereby altering their beliefs and behaviors. 

Takeaway

After experiencing heartbreak, you may be able to come up with several different reasons why getting back with your ex is a wise idea. You might be tempted to do whatever you can to rid yourself of the hurt you’re feeling, even if it means entering back into a relationship that is no longer meant for you. However, it’s possible that your heart could be leading you in an unhelpful direction and creating more pain in the process. Before choosing to get back together with your ex, it can be important to weigh your options and consider what’s best for your well-being. Confiding in friends, family, or even a licensed counselor can be helpful. Regain can provide you with an online relationship counselor to help you process your feelings and come to a decision that feels right.