Five Confidence-Building Activities You Can Start With Your Partner
The word confidence gets thrown around a lot. Often, it feels like the magic sauce for anything is having more confidence. Want to know how to find confidence? Give yourself a challenge. Want to nail an interview? Get more confidence. Want to have more friends? Grow your confidence. Want to have a stronger relationship with your partner? You get the idea.
Having confidence means to feel good about yourself as a person and the decisions that you make; it generally involves having a strong sense of self worth and assurance that your actions are worthwhile. Confidence is a habit you can build over time and often involves intense short-term focus to build those long term habits. And you don't have to go about it alone. All of these exercises are things you can do with your partner. Together you can build your confidence so that you can succeed in all areas of your life.
Before we get into the confidence-building activities, it's important to understand that confidence is a three-ingredient cocktail. It's made up of:
- Genetics (neurochemical levels)
- Environment (external factors)
- Your choices and actions (internal factors)
While you can't control your environment or your genetics, you do have control over the choices you make. The exercises in this article are designed to help you boost your confidence. They can be used when you need some extra confidence, and you can do them with your partner.
In the conversation of confidence, we should also talk about imposter syndrome.
Imposter syndrome—confidence's kryptonite
According to Harvard Business Review, imposter syndrome, also known as imposter phenomenon or imposter experience, is defined as "chronic self-doubt and a sense of intellectual fraudulence that overrides any feelings of success or external proof of their confidence.”
And as Elizabeth Cox points out, even the most successful people can experience imposter syndrome. Both Maya Angelou and Albert Einstein had imposter syndrome. It's something that a lot of people will feel, and it isn't tied to how successful they are, or whether they have a mental illness or genetic abnormalities. Anyone can feel this way.
If you feel like you lack confidence despite your achievements, it might be from the imposter phenomenon. You can combat it by recognizing that even the people you admire likely feel like imposters or have at some point in their life.
Also, celebrate small wins. Keep track of breakthroughs and positive feedback. Revisit them often, especially when you need a positive boost.
Our brains have a negativity bias, so focus on the positive any chance you get. That will help you with all of the exercises you're about to learn.
Why practice confidence with a significant other?
We're often biased about our abilities. A partner can offer an outside perspective and point out things you may not have noticed.
For some of the exercises, you'll have to look at yourself in a more positive light. Your partner will be able to help you see how amazing you are and recognize when you've turned towards negative thought patterns again.
A significant other can also work as an accountability partner to make sure you're doing the exercises. When you have to report back to someone you care about, you'll be more likely to follow through.
Even if your partner has more confidence than you, confidence is something we can all continue to build on. Having confidence in one area doesn't guarantee confidence in another. So, your partner could benefit from joining in. It also puts you on a level playing field. You won't feel awkward reporting back to your partner because they'll be doing the same exercises.
Make it fun by turning it into a friendly competition. One way you could do that is by having a 30-day confidence challenge. Choose an exercise per week to focus on and use it whenever you need extra confidence. Then talk about your results at the end of the week or when you're struggling.
Keep in mind that you can't force your partner to do something, and they can't force you either. If you are resistant to your partner's feedback, you won't gain as much from having their participation.
Exercise #1 – Power poses
If you've ever seen Amy Cuddy's TED Talk on power poses, then you know how much they can change your life. She says, "Don't fake it 'til you make it, fake it until you become it." What she means is pretending you're as powerful as you want to be isn't an act. You're teaching yourself how powerful you are. By pretending, you learn what it takes to be that strong and confident.
A power pose is exactly like it sounds. Think of superheroes like Wonder Woman and Superman. They are almost always in a power pose.
Here are some characteristics of a power pose:
- Standing tall
- Feet shoulder length apart
- Arms outstretched
- Hands-on-hips
- Eyes straight ahead or slightly looking up
- Shoulders back
- Hands behind head
Basically, a power pose is about taking up space. Think about when you're at a sporting event, and your team wins, or you're at a concert for your favorite band. You might have your hands raised above your head in celebration. That's confident body language.
When we're not feeling confident, we do the opposite. We try to take up less space and get smaller. We cross our arms and legs. We look at the ground and slump our shoulders. In her research, Amy Cuddy found that you also change your brain chemistry by adjusting your posture.
In Cuddy's research, participants who held a power pose not only felt more powerful and confident, but their hormone levels also changed. Their testosterone levels went up, and their cortisol levels went down. Those who didn't do the power poses had the opposite effect.
How to power pose:
Step One: Find a place you can be alone. That can be a closet, a bathroom stall, or your car.
Step Two: Hold a seated or standing power pose for 1-2 minutes. Choose something that makes you feel expansive.
Step Three: Go about your day as normal.
This exercise is so simple that there's no excuse not to try it. If you're using it for something specific, like confidence in a social situation, try to do it right before entering that situation. And if you need an extra boost in the middle, you can always excuse yourself for a minute to do a power pose in the bathroom.
Exercise #2 – Listen to pump up jams
Have you ever noticed that athletes often have a specific song they listen to before their game or match? These songs aren't for show. If used correctly, songs can trigger feelings of power and confidence.
A 2014 study found that the lyrics aren't as important as the bass line. Songs with more bass made participants feel more powerful. Even if the bass isn't your style, you can still make songs a part of your confidence-building routine.
Athletes like Josh Waitzkin use songs as triggers. He used "Lose Yourself" by Eminem as his walkout song in the Tai Chi World Championship. He programmed himself to go into a high-performance fighting state when that song came on, so he'd be ready to fight at a moment's notice.
You can use songs for anything, though. In the case of confidence, it'll be up to you whether you choose a song that pumps you up or calms you down. If being confident means being less anxious, you may want a trigger song that makes you feel relaxed.
Here's how to use music as a trigger:
Step One: Decide what state of mind you want it to trigger and choose a song representing that for you.
Step Two: List all the situations that make you feel the way you desire to feel. If you're going for a relaxed state of mind, what makes you feel relaxed? (It could be taking a bath, going for a walk, deep breathing, meditation, cooking, singing, petting your dog, etc.)
Step Three: Create a routine around the state of mind you're trying to create and add the song to the routine. Repeat daily for the best results.
If you can't decide on a song, you can skip the song altogether and go with something else. Make your trigger something you can do almost anywhere, so it can be used in various situations. Feel free to engage any of your senses. For example, you could use perfume or a scented candle to engage your sense of smell.
Exercise #3 – Start with the end in mind
This idea essentially means to picture the outcome. You can think of this as both a form of visualization and a planning technique. Consider this, if you can't picture where you're going, how are you going to get there?
As an example, let's say you want to go on vacation, but you don't know when or where. You can't book a hotel, take days off from work, or decide whether you need to take a plane or car unless you know where you're going. You don't have to know everything about a place, but there are certain details you need to prepare for the trip. It's the same with anything you want, including being more confident.
Not only can you build confidence by picturing yourself being more confident, but you will also boost your well-being. If picturing the outcome sounds hard for you, break it down into bite-sized pieces. What's the desired outcome/what are your dreams? What tools will you need to get there? What habits can you implement to get closer to your goal each day? What potential roadblocks could get in your way? How will you manage each potential roadblock? What challenges are you already facing?
You can have your partner ask you these questions and go through possible solutions with you. Alternatively, you can go through them with a therapist or in a journal. Whatever you do, make sure you get the thoughts out of your head. Writing or talking about it will make everything crystal clear.
Picture the outcome exercise:
Step One: Answer all of the questions above, either in a journal or with someone you trust, such as your partner.
Step Two: Plan for it. Set goals, problem solve, and decide what habits you'll need to reach your desired outcome.
Step Three: Implement the things you decided on in your planning session.
Step Four: Take some time at least once a week to visualize what it'll look like to achieve your goal. How will it feel? How will your life be different? Picture it in detail. Include as many of your senses and as much detail as possible.
Exercise #4 – Tapping
Tapping or the emotional freedom technique (EFT) is a way to relieve stress and anxiety. You could say that a lack of confidence is stressful, so you'll feel more confident by overcoming the stress response. Much like a power pose, this is most effective if done right before an event where you need confidence.
And also, like power poses, all you need is your body. You take your first two fingers and tap on your pressure points. While you do this, you'll be reciting a phrase. It's a simple exercise that you can do in a few minutes.
The emotional freedom technique:
Step One: Take this phrase and personalize it: "Even though I have all this (stress) in my life, about (specific situation), I deeply love and accept myself."
Step Two: Rate your stress level/fear/anxiety from 1-10.
Step Three: Use whatever hand feels comfortable and tap on the side of your other hand, below the pinky. This is called the karate chop point. As you continue to tap, repeat the phrase you personalized three times. It's okay if you say it slightly differently each time.
Step Four: Now move onto the other pressure points, tapping 5-10 times each. Start between the eyebrows, then move onto the outside of the eye, under the eye, under the nose, below the mouth/upper chin, collar bone, below the arm, and the top of the head. At each pressure point, say something about the stress you're feeling. It could be "All the stress in my body," "All the stress in my life," "I wonder if I can let it go." You can use both hands and tap on both sides of your body or choose whichever is most comfortable. You can use the same phrase at each pressure point or alter it each time.
Step Five: Go through the cycle of starting between your eyebrows and ending at the top of your head until you feel calmer. It might take three or four repetitions. Then, rate how you're feeling from 1-10 again. Once you get to a place of relative calm, switch your statements from focusing on the stress (or whatever feeling you chose) to focusing on the calm (or opposite of your original feeling). Repeat all the steps with the new positive focus.
Once you get the hang of it, EFT is very simple. If you're having trouble picking it up, you can find a therapist trained in EFT or watch a demonstration of it.
Exercise #5 – Growth mindset
Having a growth mindset is all about believing in your ability to improve. People who don't believe in their ability to change, grow, or improve have a fixed mindset. Having a growth mindset will not only give you a better mood because you'll believe in positive change, but it does make a difference in your performance.
Having a growth mindset leads to:
- Better grades
- Overcoming poverty effect on achievement
- More career success
- Increased life satisfaction
The good news is that even if you have a fixed mindset, you can change it. Changing your beliefs can be difficult, but it's worth it. You can apply a growth mindset to any aspect of life. Let's say, for example, you're using these exercises to have a closer relationship with your partner since you've decided to do these exercises with them. If you have a growth mindset, you believe you can improve the relationship, which means you'll try harder to make things right and care for your partner. Someone with a fixed mindset will be more likely to give up on the relationship.
People who have a growth mindset know that they can improve and learn from setbacks. They also believe that "If you're not growing, you're dying." This belief means that if you're not bettering yourself somehow, you're going backward or getting stuck in one place.
Ditch stagnation and exercise your growth mindset:
One way to build a growth mindset is to use a gratitude journal to counter negative self talk.
- Step One: Journal these questions or go through them with your partner: What are my biggest fears? What are my weaknesses? How can I improve in those areas? What challenges am I facing right now?
- Step Two: Each week, schedule one way to face your fears or improve a weakness. Remember to ask your partner for accountability. They will be your support to make sure you follow through.
- Step Three: Do what you said you were going to and soak up the confidence. Even if it doesn't go quite as you expected, celebrate that you tried.
It's scary to face your fears, and everyone's fears will be a little different. Make sure to start small so your confidence has a chance to grow without putting too much pressure on yourself. For example, if you're afraid of public speaking, consider speaking in front of friends and family before going to an open mic. Every tiny bit of experience will compound into more and more confidence until it isn't a big deal.
Remember, this exercise is all about mindset. So be kind to yourself. Recognize that sometimes you will fail. Accept that it's hard to grow, but it's also rewarding. Failures are a learning opportunity, and even failure can build confidence because you've gained experience. With each new mistake will come a breakthrough. The more kindness you can show yourself throughout the process, the more fun it will be.
Confidence opens doors
Confidence isn't something you're born with. It's a skill you learn. Once you start implementing these exercises, you'll notice your confidence blossoming. It won't happen overnight. But the more time you put into it, the faster you will see yourself improve.
As we talked about in the last exercise, be kind to yourself throughout the process. Part of confidence is believing in yourself. If you're having trouble with this, don't be afraid to lean into your partner for support. You don't have to go through this transformation alone.
Look for support
If you need an extra hand in achieving the level of confidence that you want, consider working with a licensed therapist online at Regain.
Takeaway
Confidence is a mix of your genetics, environment, and choices—as you can tell, some of those things are within your control. Incorporating exercises like power poses, focusing on the outcomes, the emotional freedom technique, and incorporating therapy may help you on your journey to become a more confident person.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
What exercises build self-confidence?
There are several confidence-building activities that you can perform. First, you should take a look at the things you have already accomplished in your life. This can come in keeping a journal, telling a friend, or other creative ways like making a presentation. You should also practice forgiving yourself when you fail. We often worry about other people forgiving us for our shortcomings, but the most important person you can ask that of is yourself. You can also practice silencing your inner critic. Take any negative thought that you’ve had about yourself, and make an effort to spin it into something positive. Finding out what confidence-building activities work best for you will take some trial and error, but it all starts with making that initial effort. If you do this often, you’ll build self-confidence and be on your way to making more confident decisions.
What are 5 tips for building good self-esteem?
Self-esteem activities can be an important part of building your self-confidence. One of the most important things you can do to build self-esteem is to identify those situations that cause a negative change. These can be reoccurring events or something that has only happened a handful of times. Once you’ve identified those events, you should note your thoughts during those events, regardless of how positive or negative they might be. For this trip, it might be helpful to write them down physically. For any negative statements you’ve written, take some time to think about them in-depth. After you’ve analyzed them further, make an effort to dispute those thoughts by writing questions or statements of self-assurance that challenge that way of thinking. If you’ve written questions, take some time to formulate an answer to them. If you’ve written statements, you can use those statements to combat any negative feelings you might have during these events. If you do this properly, you’ll notice that building self-esteem becomes a lot easier. This is the most effective esteem activity in the process of building self-esteem.
What are the 3 steps of building self-confidence?
Finding ways to build your self-confidence will ultimately come down to trial and error. What confidence-building activities work best can be different for everybody. There are several helpful things that you can enact to help with this. You can try engaging in physical activities. This can range from working out by yourself to taking on activities with friends, depending on your comfort level. Working on your assertiveness can also be a helpful method to improving self-confidence. Knowing that you can speak up for yourself can be liberating in terms of a confidence boost. Setting realistic goals can be an important part of this process, too. For this, you should start with small things (for example, cleaning your room) and slowly make them bigger as you accomplish more. Simple confidence-building activities like these have the potential to build your self-confidence increasingly. It’s absolutely a positive thing, so confident and happy emotions are a pretty common pairing.
How can I build my confidence?
If you have a lack of self-confidence, it can be tricky to build your self-confidence back up. Some confidence-building activities and self-esteem activities can be more daunting than others. However, there are some simple self-confidence activities that you can employ. An effective way to build your self-confidence can be as simple as adjusting your posture. Research by the Ohio State University shows that something as simple as correcting it can be an effective way of boosting your mindset. It has the potential to make you feel more confident in doing everyday activities and positively adjusts your frame of mind. It can also help you to make more confident decisions throughout everyday life.
What are self-confidence examples?
Examples of self-confidence all boil down to the mindset a person exhibits. People who are confident in themselves are more likely to assure themselves that they can accomplish a goal. They tend to avoid negative self-talk and find ways to communicate their feelings to the people around them when appropriate. Some people with high self-confidence might find time to do physical exercise when they can, whether a solo workout or a team-building activity. Self-confidence can show itself in a variety of ways, but these traits tend to be more common. Regardless, confidence and happy thoughts go hand in hand.
How do I gain confidence every day?
If you lack self-confidence and are working to improve it, you shouldn’t expect immediate results. Like any physical fitness journey, it can take a little while before you start to see changes to your confidence and self-esteem. One of the most important confidence-building activities that you can do is consistently practice the article's exercises and FAQ. There will most likely be some trial and error, as every person has a different pathway to build self-confidence, so you should find the exercises that are most effective for yourself. The key is to make a daily effort to get closer to your goals. As with many things in life, gaining the results you want takes consistent practice.
What are self-confidence skills?
Self-confidence skills can manifest themselves in various ways, so there is no concrete example that applies to everyone. As we previously mentioned, confidence-building activities are a very effective way of honing your skills. Another self-confidence skill that can show itself is trying things that might be outside of your comfort zone. If you don’t feel comfortable taking that on alone, you can always enlist the help of a friend or family. As previously mentioned, proper posture can be another effective yet subtle skill to boost your self-confidence. If you see someone who has remarkable posture, there is a good chance that they display a good amount of confidence. Everyone manifests self-confidence skills in their own way, so trying different methods is the most appropriate way to find what’s best for you.
Sources:
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/06/03/smarter-living/how-to-improve-self-confidence.html
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/10/091005111627.htm
https://www.girlshealth.gov/feelings/happy/boost.html
https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/self-esteem/art-20045374
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