Six Tips For Getting A Bad Boyfriend To Change His Ways
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Relationships are unique, so getting a “bad” boyfriend to change his ways may depend upon the situation and the people involved. Your definition of a bad boyfriend might include someone who isn’t supportive or understanding. At the same time, another may say a boyfriend doesn’t treat them right because they would rather spend time doing other things than being together.
But for most, the hallmark of a bad boyfriend is that their behavior is hurtful. They may undermine you, say things that hurt your feelings, give you “silent treatment” as a means of control (stonewalling), or dismiss things that are important to you. One of the most definitive signs of a bad boyfriend is if he exhibits behavior that creates a toxic relationship.
A toxic relationship may include disrespect, constant fighting, gaslighting, and other harmful behaviors. At their worst, toxic relationships are abusive, and getting your boyfriend to change may not be viable. In such cases, protecting your mental health and safety should be the biggest priority, and you may need to leave the relationship entirely.
But if it isn’t so serious, his intentions are good, and he’s willing to work on the relationship, there are ways you can encourage your “bad” boyfriend to grow and change his ways for the better.
Discuss your feelings
There might be much to discuss, depending on how bad your boyfriend is. Before he can change, however, he’ll need to understand that there is a problem. You might think it’s obvious that his actions are hurtful, but he may be oblivious. In these cases, communicating with him is essential.
To work on your relationship, you must move forward together, which often means staying mindful of how you approach difficult conversations. That’s not to say you shouldn’t express yourself in any way you think is appropriate, but consider that if your tone is less accusatory, he’s less likely to “shut down” or become defensive. Let him know that you want to work on things together so that you can have a future.
Try to be supportive
Your boyfriend might need support so that he can change over time. If he has been an immature man up to this point, then he probably won’t change overnight. If you love him, you can try to be there for him while he becomes a better version of himself. After talking things over, he might be willing to try to change some of his behaviors, so he doesn’t lose you.
Communication can start getting a bad boyfriend to change his ways
Being a supportive partner will be about communicating with him about the problems he faces that contribute to his behavior and choices. For example, if he drinks too much, what makes him want to drink? Ask him his thoughts on the subject and how you can help. Tell him you’re there for him and want to improve things. If you approach this subject with love and helpful intentions, your boyfriend will be more likely to attempt change.
Set boundaries
Setting boundaries is also crucial when you want things to change. You don’t have to make ultimatums- it’s just good to clarify that certain things aren’t acceptable. For example, let your boyfriend know you will not let him talk down to you or treat you poorly. Perhaps he has an anger problem and sometimes takes his bad days out on you by yelling or saying hurtful things. Make it clear that you won’t tolerate behavior like this, and you’ll leave if he can’t talk to you with respect.
Don’t be afraid to set boundaries. Often, people are scared to set boundaries in relationships because they think it will push their partner away. If your boyfriend isn’t willing to accept basic boundaries and respect your wishes, the relationship is likely unhealthy and won’t work out anyway. How he reacts will determine whether you can move forward productively in your relationship.
Work on strengthening your relationship
Have you been spending much quality time together? Love is an excellent source of motivation, but sometimes the mundane activities of daily life can cause us to take each other for granted and forget how strongly we love each other. If you don’t get the chance to bond as much as you’d like to, make it a point to reconnect. Spending time together doing things you enjoy will help you grow closer, which could be the nudge in the right direction your boyfriend needs.
Set a good example
Your actions can healthily impact your boyfriend and set an example for good behavior. For instance, if he flies off the handle quickly or has anger issues, you may begin meditating or taking daily walks in nature to show him how those habits can help him stay calm and focused. If he has poor money management skills that impact your relationship negatively, you could show him the benefits of saving money by avoiding frivolous spending yourself.
These little changes can trigger something in your boyfriend and show him that he needs to change some behaviors in his life. It may not always work, but many boyfriends will follow suit after seeing their partner make positive life choices.
Replace harmful hobbies with healthy activities
If your boyfriend spends too much time doing things that lead him to make bad choices, then replacing those behaviors with something else might help. Even taking up a new hobby that helps focus the mind positively could be helpful. Consider your options, and then see what your boyfriend might be interested in doing.
For example, if he enjoys outdoor activities, give him a trial membership to a climbing gym to see if it’s for him. If he likes sports, see if he’d be interested in joining an intermural sports league. If he’s interested in music, look for music appreciation classes or a concert series he may enjoy. Eventually, a healthier version of your boyfriend could become a much better partner for you.
Getting a bad boyfriend to change his ways with abusive behavior
There are times in any relationship when someone is hurt by something their partner says or does. These are usually done unwittingly and only require an apology and a hug. But sometimes hurtful behavior goes beyond the innocuous and becomes abuse. In these cases, leaving the relationship should take precedence over attempting to change an abuser’s behavior.
The American Psychological Association defines abuse as: “Interactions in which one person behaves in a cruel, violent, demeaning, or invasive manner toward another person or an animal. The term most commonly implies physical mistreatment but also encompasses sexual and psychological (emotional) mistreatment.”
Abusive behaviors in a relationship include, but aren’t limited to:
Controlling behaviors - especially those that create distance between you and your friends/family. An abuser may demand to keep your phone, dictate when and where you go, and even force you to leave your job.
- Gaslighting
- Undermining or belittling
- Name-calling or demeaning behaviors
- Blaming all the relationship problems on you
- Pushing the relationship forward too quickly for your liking or “love bombing”
- Guilt-tripping
- Boundary pushing, whether sexual or otherwise
- Contempt
Many forms of abuse include physical, sexual, emotional, financial, and neglect. This is by no means an extensive list; these are only some potential warning signs that can be seen in a relationship. Listen to your instincts, and know that if something feels wrong, it probably is.
Work on your relationship in online therapy
Despite its many benefits, some couples don’t seek help from a professional. They may have barriers to accessibility, scheduling conflicts, or financial concerns. Some people don’t feel comfortable speaking with a therapist in person due to intimacy issues or stigma.
However, online therapy provides an excellent solution to these obstacles and more. Platforms like Regain help couples speak to an online therapist tailored to their unique relationship needs via phone, text, online messaging, and video chat. You can talk to a counselor from the comfort of your home on a schedule that works for you- often for less than traditional therapy without insurance coverage.
A growing body of research also shows that relationship counseling is as effective as conventional therapy for helping couples cultivate healthy relationships. For example, a 2020 study published in Frontiers in Psychology measured the effectiveness of relationship therapy via videoconferencing for 33 couples. In the study, the couples reported they were “able to connect with the therapist effectively, and that the video actually enhanced the therapeutic alliance, due to a greater perceived focus on therapy processes.”
Below are some reviews of Regain counselors from people experiencing relationship challenges:
Counselor reviews
“Sessions with Natalie are very insightful and give practical advice on implementing new habits and changes. Be prepared to engage and be challenged to think differently. I know that my partner and I can already see improvements in our relationship and feel more positive about working through our issues together.”
“Austa has been wonderful thus far. She has helped my partner and I during an unimaginably difficult time... She has also guided us in communicating effectively and setting appropriate boundaries in our relationship. I was hesitant to pursue counseling at the beginning, but I truly believe that it is making a difference for our relationship. Austa is easy to talk to and she is a great listener. I would wholeheartedly recommend her as a counselor.”
Takeaway
With a good boyfriend, you'll notice that the partnership is characterized by mutual respect and affection. A good boyfriend will uplift you, respect you as your own person, and work on your partnership when there are problems. If your relationship isn’t quite to this level yet, or if your boyfriend exhibits bad behavior that hurts you and makes it difficult to be together happily, it’s probably time to begin the conversation of how to change it.
The tips outlined in this post will likely be helpful, but you may still need help communicating and moving forward. If so, relationship counseling is an excellent complement to the work you’ve already begun. An experienced counselor can help you uncover the roots of your differences, discuss how both of you feel about these conflicts, and adopt healthy strategies for communication and moving forward. Couples therapists also often work one-on-one with each individual in the relationship to address the underlying causes of hurtful behavior and how it affects their lives and relationships.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
What is a bad boyfriend?
Bad boyfriends can take various forms. A bad boyfriend or partner could be someone who isn't supportive, isn't understanding, someone who undermines you, or someone who or isn't considerate. It could be someone who says things that hurt your feelings does not take certain things seriously enough, or something else. The most important thing to look at is a person's intentions and willingness to work on the relationship. If you say, "I don't like it when you call me (insert name here) because it hurts my feelings," and ask them to stop, for example, they should be receptive. A good boyfriend or partner won't want to hurt you, and there's a big difference between a person who doesn't realize they're doing something hurtful who stops once they gain awareness of the behavior and someone who either realizes it and doesn't want to shift their actions or isn't willing to amend it. If your situation looks more like the latter, it may be time to go. Couples counseling is incredibly beneficial for many couples. Finding a good counselor or therapist to work with can be a game-changer for couples who want to work on their partnership.
What are the signs of a bad boyfriend?
If you have a good boyfriend, he will uplift you, treat you as your own person, and work on a partnership with you when there are problems. With a good boyfriend, you'll notice that the partnership is characterized by mutual respect and affection. With bad boyfriends, on the other hand, you may notice that your partner puts you down, thinks of you as less intelligent or less than others, and blames all problems in the relationship on you (for example, he might say, "if you were different, we wouldn't have problems"), or tries to infringe on your independence and sense of self. Bad boyfriends may be disrespectful, or bad boyfriends may withhold affection. A bad boyfriend could be controlling, manipulative, or he might make you feel misunderstood or as though who you are is wrong or not good enough.
How do I deal with a bad boyfriend?
How to navigate things with a bad boyfriend very much depends on the specific bad qualities and the severity of the bad qualities that are getting in the way of a relationship. If you believe that he means no harm and that what he's doing is unintentional, having a conversation or going to couples counseling can help. If he sees no need to change things, it's time to leave. It takes two, and if he's not interested in changing and deflects the blame, you won't be able to change him or the relationship.
Note that if the relationship is abusive in any capacity, whether that's sexually, emotionally, physically, or otherwise, it's not okay. Abuse is never acceptable, and there are no circumstances in which it's the fault of anyone except for the abuser. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline website (https://www.thehotline.org/) to chat through the web, learn more about abuse, or create a safety plan.
How do you know if you are in a toxic relationship?
Signs of a toxic relationship may include but aren't limited to constant or volatile arguments, name-calling, cheating, gaslighting behaviors, feeling as though you have to avoid your feelings or thoughts, codependency, and possessiveness or controlling behaviors.
What is a toxic relationship?
Put simply; a toxic relationship is where one or both representatives use toxic behaviors. A toxic relationship can look several ways and may include disrespect, constant fighting, undermining, stonewalling or giving silent treatment, and other behaviors. Dr. Lillian Glass, author of the book "Toxic People," defines a toxic relationship as "any relationship between people who don't support each other, where there's conflict, and one seeks to undermine the other, where there's competition, where there's disrespect and a lack of cohesiveness."
How do I break up with someone I love?
First, be proud of yourself for realizing that this is something you have to do. If you're in a safe situation, use "I" statements and non-accusatory language when you break up. Make sure it’s what you want, and consider preparing what you’re going to say beforehand so that you can word things in a way that is as considerate and kind as possible.
What is a red flag in a relationship?
Red flags in a relationship may include but aren't limited to:
- Controlling behaviors of any kind.
- Gaslighting
- Undermining or belittling.
- Name-calling.
- Blaming, or more specifically, a person who blames all relationship problems on you.
- If you are in a new relationship, a relationship that moves too fast.
- Guilt-tripping.
- Boundary pushing.
- Contempt
What are the warning signs in a relationship?
Warning signs in a relationship include:
- Controlling behavior, such as demanding your phone, trying to control who your friends are, or distancing you from loved ones.
- Belittling your intelligence. A good boyfriend or partner will believe that you are smart and capable and will not belittle you.
- Gaslighting
- Pushing your boundaries, whether those are sexual or otherwise.
- Name-calling or demeaning behaviors.
- Moving too fast or love bombing.
This is by no means an extensive list, and these are only some of the potential warning signs that can be seen in a relationship. Listen to your gut and know that if something feels off, it probably is. You deserve a healthy relationship where you are treated well. Don't be afraid to reach out for the support of a professional if you need help in your relationship or other areas of life.
What do you do when your boyfriend won't change?
What are the unacceptable behaviors of men?
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