Exploring BDSM Play: How To Learn And Explore As A Beginner
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Lots of people see something in a movie or book that sparks sexual interest and want to learn more, particularly about BDSM. If you or your partner expressed an interest in kinks, fetishes, and alternative sexual lifestyles, it could be helpful to find an informative introduction to the subject that lets you both know what to expect. Read on to learn more about how to explore BDSM with your partner.
What does BDSM mean?
Bondage and discipline (B&D)
Consensual use of physical restraints or bondage and the application of pain, humiliation, or other punishments for sexual gratification purposes.
Dominance and submission (D/s)
Using power exchange dynamics, the submissive willingly surrenders power and control over themselves to the Dominant in exchange for care, support, guidance, and structure.
Sadism and masochism (SM)
Sexual arousal and pleasure from inflicting pain on someone else (sadism) or receiving physical pain (masochism).
It is critical to note that consent and communication are crucial aspects of BDSM activity and dynamics. While sexual activity is not necessary for BDSM, it is an important aspect for many people.
Typical BDSM roles
BDSM relationships and dynamics typically involve clearly defined roles during play or planned scenes. Understanding some key terms as you educate yourself and learn more about the lifestyle may be helpful. Despite media portrayal of BDSM as a fringe, taboo, or deviant community, studies show it's much more common than most people think.
Dominant
The person taking charge and responsibility for themselves and their submissive. A Dom is a male Dominant, and a Domme is a female. When writing about Dominant/submissive relationships, use capital letters to emphasize the power dynamic (D/s).
Submissive
A submissive often craves structure and guidance, being able to surrender the need to make decisions for a while to someone else and focus on a single thing—the pleasure of someone they care about and want to serve.
Switch
A switch displays both Dominant and submissive tendencies and can play either role depending on their mood and the circumstances.
Top
The person applying sensations or doing something to their partner. This role can be played by a Dominant or submissive.
Bottom
The person having sensations or things done to them during a scene or play. It is possible for a Dominant to “top from the bottom” by telling the submissive what to do and how to do it.
A beginner’s guide to BDSM: Exploring the lifestyle
When you’re just getting started with BDSM, the sheer amount of information (and misinformation) can be overwhelming when educating yourself about healthy, safe ways to explore the lifestyle.
Issues you should plan for when exploring BDSM with your partner
- If your partner is interested in having you inflict pain, you may be uncomfortable because you don’t want to hurt them. Healthy BDSM doesn’t involve permanent or intensely harmful injury. You can learn how to find the proper balance in a class with an experienced BDSM instructor.
- You or your partner may want things during sex that don’t necessarily represent your personality or desires the rest of the time. It may help to consider BDSM scenes or play as letting one facet of yourself take control for a while. Communication with your partner is a critical aspect of all BDSM play.
Educate yourself
Education is an essential facet of safe BDSM play. The community as a whole supports newcomers and readily shares information. Look for local BDSM classes and events for a reputable source of knowledge and support as you learn about the lifestyle.
Consent is everything
Consent is at the core of everything BDSM. Everyone involved is a consenting adult fully aware of what they’re agreeing to—with the freedom to revoke that consent at any time. Set and unconditionally respect a safe word that can bring all play to an immediate stop if either of you reaches your limit.
Communication is crucial
Successful BDSM relationships, play, and dynamics involve extensive communication and negotiation. Partners should frequently talk about their emotions and desires. You should discuss and negotiate your sexual boundaries and rules for the BDSM aspect of your relationship. Consenting to something during a scene doesn't mean you always agree, and you should clarify that.
Start with a fantasy
When you’re looking for a place to begin exploring BDSM, it can be helpful to start with a fantasy. Talk to your partner and discuss what you both like sexually and how to work together to meet your needs. If you're already in a relationship and exploring BDSM with each other, you should have a foundation of trust and communication.
Plan and discuss it ahead of time
One of the most important things you can do with your partner is to discuss and plan scenes and play beforehand. Unlike spontaneous sex, BDSM often requires mental and physical preparation, and it can help both partners to know what to expect. While BDSM can help you expand your sexual horizons, your partner should always respect your boundaries and limitations.
How to explore BDSM play
While much of the available movies, books, and pornography related to BDSM can showcase the more intense, hardcore side of the lifestyle, there are plenty of ways you can explore BDSM play on the lighter end of the spectrum.
Hair pulling
Many D/s couples use hair pulling to provide mild pain and allow the Dominant to exert control. Try to use steady, firm pressure rather than hard, sudden yanks to avoid scalp damage.
Spanking
One of the classic BDSM kinky play methods is spanking. This is a version of impact play, or the practice of using impacts to increase sensation during activity. Depending on the mindset and roles you and your partner use, spanking can be anything from a fun reward to a painful punishment. BDSM blurs the line between pain and pleasure for many people, so remember to apply both sensations. After a few hard spanks, try running gentle fingers over the sensitive skin. If you’re using any kind of implement for spanking, such as a paddle, consider trying it on yourself so you are fully aware of the sensations you’ll be inflicting.
Restraints and light bondage
Handcuffs aren’t the only way to play with restraints. Try silk scarves for a softer introduction to bondage, or purchase a kit specifically designed for the type of restraint you want to try.
Blindfolds and sensory play
A simple blindfold can lead to a wonderfully fun night. Try blindfolding your partner and experimenting with different sensations, such as feathers, ice, leather, the heat of your mouth, or another feeling. Your partner may feel things more intensely when they cannot see.
Edging and orgasm denial
Dominants often assume responsibility for their own pleasure and that of their submissive. Some choose to enhance the final release by repeatedly bringing their sub to the edge of climax before allowing them to orgasm.
Roleplaying
Many couples enjoy roleplaying to act out specific fantasies, sometimes using costumes, asking a partner to use specific phrases, or requesting a particular position beforehand. Roleplaying can be a safe, healthy way to explore fantasies and desires.
Learning the tools of the trade
Sex toys can be a valuable sexual aid, and several unique implements were explicitly developed for BDSM play. Familiarize yourself with the tools at your disposal, and don't be afraid to experiment.
Provide aftercare
BDSM play can be physically and emotionally intense, and aftercare can be an important aspect of a healthy dynamic. Aftercare is often unique to your dynamic but should make your sub feel safe, cared for, and protected. A scene could cause an extreme release of endorphins in the brain, which can sometimes lead to a phenomenon called sub-drop with emotional and physical depression in the sub starting hours to days after a scene. Dominants can also benefit from aftercare.
Recognizing abusive behaviors that aren’t BDSM-related
- Refusing to respect your limits.
- Objecting if you use the safe word.
- Pushing BDSM dynamics beyond your boundaries.
- Blaming, shaming, or punishing you beyond what you consented to.
- Promoting alcohol or drug use during scenes.
Reach out for professional help
Exploring your sexuality with your partner can be a fun and liberating experience. Still, you may not know how to express your desires to your partner because you're afraid they may judge or reject you for what you find arousing. You may benefit from speaking with a qualified relationship therapist for the support and guidance of a mental health professional.
How couples therapy can help you explore BDSM together
If you or your spouse recently expressed an interest in exploring the BDSM lifestyle and activities, consider working with a licensed couples therapist online through a virtual relationship therapy platform like Regain. Therapy can help you identify and express your sexual desires, teach you how to communicate with each other openly, and find ways to explore BDSM while respecting and loving your partner.
Researchers recently released information from studies showing that couples therapy is as effective online and in person. Both methods result in increased relationship satisfaction and communication and decreased symptoms related to stress, depression, and anxiety. If you’d rather speak to a therapist alone, research indicates similar outcomes for online and face-to-face individual therapy. Virtual treatment is often less expensive, has shorter wait times, and provides a connection to a vast selection of licensed therapists.
Takeaway
Many people want to try BDSM play with their partners, but it can be challenging to know where to start. The information in this beginner’s introduction to BDSM may offer insight into how you can explore new sexual landscapes with your partner.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs):
What is a dominant man called?
As any basic beginner’s guide to BDSM (bondage, discipline, and sadomasochism or dominance and submission) can attest, in a relationship involving BDSM practices, a dominant male is often called a “dom.” However, the terms “male dominant” and “maledom” can also be used, with some connecting the two, to form “maledom.” According to a standard beginner’s guide to BDSM, a dominant man is a more common trope seen in BDSM relationships, perhaps due to the stereotype of the “alpha male” and other traditionally held ideas about gender roles. These individuals are typically considered responsible for the bondage and discipline elements of the relationship to perpetuate the dynamics of dominance and submission in the relationship.
Dom is responsible for delivering bondage and discipline to his sub (also called a submissive, indicating a submissive partner). However, the full spectrum of this type of relationship involves discipline, dominance, and submission. All of these practices together make up the dominance and submission relationship. A dom—a dominant partner—is responsible for delivering the elements of BDSM (discipline, dominance, and bondage), and the sub—a submissive partner—is responsible for receiving them.
What makes a good dominant?
In relationships involving elements of BDSM, the primary driver of the relationship is the desire for consent in the relationship and an interest in exploring one another’s limits and interests—components that might not be clearly laid out or adequately described in a beginner’s guide to dominance and submission, bondage and discipline. A good dom will pay close attention to their submissive partner's needs, which may or may not include involved aftercare routines and strict adherence to all rules and limits set forth before engaging in any practice involving the world of BDSM, including discipline dominance and bondage.
To be a good dominant in a BDSM relationship, the following behaviors must be observed:
- Respect is vital in this type of relationship—self-respect, and respect for your partner. Respect is vital because, to treat your sub with care in the midst of dominance and submission, you must respect their limits and desires and understand that they are your responsibility.
- Confidence is vital for a good dom because the dom is the person in the relationship who is supposed to control the situation and maintain the dynamics. If dom is unsure of themselves and is not confident in their role in the relationship, the entire relationship dynamic can be at risk of falling flat or failing altogether.
- A considerate dom adheres to all agreed-upon limits, conducts appropriate aftercare following an encounter with their sub, and regularly checks in with their sub to ensure all behaviors, dynamics, and limits are being met and respected.
- The dom/sub relationship is one that often involves some amount of creativity. From role-playing activities to presenting new scenarios, doms and subs are often searching for dynamics and situations that are not encountered readily, easily, or at all in day-to-day life, and some foresight is necessary to conduct scenarios with creativity and innovation.
- The dom/sub relationship is built on mutual trust and will quickly degrade (and even result in unwanted pain) in the absence of mutual trust. A good dom must trust their sub and must be trustworthy in return. Because BDSM involves a lot of fantasy play and intimacy, a good dom absolutely must be trusted.
- A dom must be honest in their dealings and must be upfront about all wants, needs, and desires, as well as their limits and the behaviors they are willing to engage in and indulge.
- Kindness (or Compassion). Although the dynamics of dom/sub relationships may appear anything but loving, kind, or compassionate to an outsider, these relationships are actually required to be built on kindness and compassion. A dom must take care of their sub in sexual situations and outside of them, making kindness and compassion essential for this partner in the relationship.
The dominant aspect of a BDSM relationship is not actually a relationship that is primarily in control; instead, the submissive partner is typically considered the person in control, as it is largely their wants, limits, and abilities that are acknowledged and catered to, while a dominant is responsible for putting those practices in place. A good dom understands the appropriate dynamics between does and subs and recognizes their role in the relationship. If you are still unsure about the elements of what makes a good dominant partner, consult a thorough beginner’s guide to BDSM, and make sure you understand what your own motivations and hopes are.
How do you show dominance?
Depending on the context, there are different ways to show dominance. In day-to-day life, showing dominance has far more to do with displaying confidence and assertiveness. Some more dominant traits include:
- Dominant personalities are confident in themselves and their abilities and are highly unlikely to demonstrate a sense of submission or humility to others.
- Whether physical, emotional, or mental strength is being discussed, most dominant personalities possess strength and are all too happy to demonstrate their strength and leadership abilities.
- Dominant personalities are often extremely competitive personalities. Consequently, dominant personalities are often found in competitive sports and other arenas involving tests and examining someone’s ability and determination.
- Dominant personalities are decisive, and the ability to make decisions with very little hesitation or second-guessing is often a keystone of dominant individuals.
In sexual relationships involving BDSM (bondage, discipline, and sadomasochism), dominance takes on a different meaning and usually refers to the dominant partner in a dom/sub relationship (though the term may describe anyone who has a commanding personality—or a controlling one). In these relationships, dominance is typically shown through several distinct avenues, which may include:
- Assertive behavior is essential for doms, as assertiveness is part of what differentiates doms and subs. Assertiveness is different from aggression, though, which is important to remember: even a cursory beginner’s guide to BDSM recognizes that doms are not inherently aggressive but are instead committed to taking control and setting the stage for the relationship.
- In keeping with being assertive, doms must demonstrate confidence—confidence in their role, purpose as a dom, and in their role in the relationship. Confidence comes in many forms, but in dom/sub relationships, confidence means being able to take control of a scene or situation and express your role without skipping a beat.
- Although care might not immediately conjure images of a dominant person, care is a core aspect of being a dom. If you cannot show care for your sub, you are not displaying the true attributes of a dominant partner.
- Control is essential for a dom, as the sub in the relationship gives their will and choices over to the dom. If the dom does not take control as it is given, their sub cannot fully trust themselves and their dom, and the relationship is likely to deteriorate.
- Effective Communication. Dom/sub relationships will fall apart without effective communication, and a dom must consistently demonstrate the ability to communicate regularly and effectively. From discussing limits and preferences to identifying potential missteps and mistakes, doms must continually devote time and attention to communicating with their subs.
- Self-Awareness. Good doms must demonstrate self-awareness because there are often past situations, behaviors, and experiences that contribute to their desire to become dominant partners. If those things are not addressed, they may find themselves pushing their submissive partner’s boundaries or growing overwhelmed with the responsibilities of being a dom.
Whats is dominant?
A dominant is someone who takes the dominant role in a relationship. Although there is often some degree of stigma associated with dominance in intimate relationships, dominant relationships are characterized by respect and care, and a dominant act as a controlled, firm partner who can take control of the submissive partner in whatever way they feel is most appropriate or desirable, involving elements of bondage and discipline. Dominant or submissive dynamics are most often associated with BDSM relationships, involving discipline, dominance, and submission. A beginner’s guide to the practice reveals the reality of bondage and discipline, dominance, and submission. Still, it often fails to delineate the reason for these practices and what they might mean to a dominant partner. A dominant partner is an individual who can deliver discipline, dominance, and bondage through a variety of scenarios that may or may not include role-play, consensual physical behaviors like spanking or choking, and elements of being bound, including handcuffing and rope tying.
A dominant partner takes control of the dominant elements of BDSM. A beginner’s guide to BDSM dictates that BDSM involves bondage, discipline, dominance, and submission but may not go deeply into how those components are presented and experienced. Dominance and submission are the two dynamics involved in BDSM relationships. They are imbued with elements of control, trust, communication, and a sense of freedom, whether they are used largely in sexual situations, in everyday life, or a combination of the two. Bondage and discipline, dominance and submission all come together to create a rich and robust relationship that deeply explores the relationship between control and submission and how the release of control allows a partner to experience pleasure and a sense of freedom.
What is dominance in a relationship?
This depends on the type of relationship being discussed. In a romantic relationship, relationship dominance can be identified through behaviors. Dominant behavior in relationships is often synonymous with controlling behavior or the desire to exert influence over a partner. Some of this dominance is attributed to “traditional” relationship dynamics. Still, regardless of the tendency for men and women to employ certain roles in the past, dominance in a relationship is not appropriate without consent from the more submissive partner, and dominance can prove problematic without the presence of consent or even understanding of power dynamics.
In sexual relationships, a dominant partner is most often called a “dom” and describes the relationship dynamics during sexual activities. In this context, dominance in the relationship describes behavior that may or may not include certain displays of power, including the administration of pain, the use of restraints, and the illusion of personal power through pretending one partner is in a position of authority, such as an older partner, or even an older relative, in some cases. In essence, to offer a beginner's guide to BDSM, the practice involves discipline, dominance, and submission. According to the couple's preferred behaviors in question, a dom's behavior will vary substantially according to the couple's preferred behaviors. Some couples experimenting or engaging in BDSM will focus their attentions and efforts largely on restraint. In contrast, others will focus primarily on the sensation of pain and having their limits tested.
In either relationship, consent is key; dominance in relationships can be linked to abuse and other inappropriate and unsafe behaviors if consent is not involved. The BDSM community actually consents that it is considered the dividing line between sexual proclivity and assault. The same can also be said of dominant behaviors in a romantic relationship, regardless of sexual preference and behaviors.
How can you tell if someone is Dom or sub?
How do you get a kink conversation?
How do I ask him to be my dom?
What does D S mean in dating?
What are the signs of a submissive?
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