Exploring BDSM Play: A BDSM Guide For Beginners

Frequently asked questions (FAQ)

What is a dominant man called in the context of BDSM?

As any basic beginner’s guide to BDSM (bondage, discipline, and sadomasochism or dominance and submission) can attest, in a relationship involving BDSM practices, a dominant male is often called a “dom.” However, the terms “male dominant” and “maledom” can also be used, with some connecting the two, to form “maledom.” According to a standard beginner’s guide to BDSM, a dominant man is a more common trope seen in BDSM relationships, perhaps due to the stereotype of the “alpha male” and other traditionally held ideas about gender roles. These individuals are typically considered responsible for the bondage and discipline elements of the relationship to perpetuate the dynamics of dominance and submission in the relationship.

Dom is responsible for delivering bondage and discipline to his sub (also called a submissive, indicating a submissive partner). However, the full spectrum of this type of relationship involves discipline, dominance, and submission. All of these practices together make up the dominance and submission relationship. A dom—a dominant partner—is responsible for delivering the elements of BDSM (discipline, dominance, and bondage), and the sub—a submissive partner—is responsible for receiving them.

What makes a good dominant in BDSM?

In relationships involving elements of BDSM, the primary driver of the relationship is the desire for consent in the relationship and an interest in exploring one another’s limits and interests—components that might not be clearly laid out or adequately described in a beginner’s guide to dominance and submission, bondage and discipline. A good dom will pay close attention to their submissive partner's needs, which may or may not include involved aftercare routines and strict adherence to all rules and limits set forth before engaging in any practice involving the world of BDSM, including discipline dominance and bondage.

To be a good dominant in a BDSM relationship, the following behaviors must be observed:

• Respect is vital in this type of relationship—self-respect, and respect for your partner. Respect is vital because, to treat your sub with care in the midst of dominance and submission, you must respect their limits and desires and understand that they are your responsibility.

• Confidence is vital for a good dom because the dom is the person in the relationship who is supposed to control the situation and maintain the dynamics. If dom is unsure of themselves and is not confident in their role in the relationship, the entire relationship dynamic can be at risk of falling flat or failing altogether.

• A considerate dom adheres to all agreed-upon limits, conducts appropriate aftercare following an encounter with their sub, and regularly checks in with their sub to ensure all behaviors, dynamics, and limits are being met and respected.

• The dom/sub relationship is one that often involves some amount of creativity. From role-playing activities to presenting new scenarios, doms and subs are often searching for dynamics and situations that are not encountered readily, easily, or at all in day-to-day life, and some foresight is necessary to conduct scenarios with creativity and innovation.

• The dom/sub relationship is built on mutual trust and will quickly degrade (and even result in unwanted pain) in the absence of mutual trust. A good dom must trust their sub and must be trustworthy in return. Because BDSM involves a lot of fantasy play and intimacy, a good dom absolutely must be trusted.

• A dom must be honest in their dealings and must be upfront about all wants, needs, and desires, as well as their limits and the behaviors they are willing to engage in and indulge.

• Kindness (or Compassion). Although the dynamics of dom/sub relationships may appear anything but loving, kind, or compassionate to an outsider, these relationships are actually required to be built on kindness and compassion. A dom must take care of their sub in sexual situations and outside of them, making kindness and compassion essential for this partner in the relationship.

The dominant aspect of a BDSM relationship is not actually a relationship that is primarily in control; instead, the submissive partner is typically considered the person in control, as it is largely their wants, limits, and abilities that are acknowledged and catered to, while a dominant is responsible for putting those practices in place. A good dom understands the appropriate dynamics between does and subs and recognizes their role in the relationship. If you are still unsure about the elements of what makes a good dominant partner, consult a thorough beginner’s guide to BDSM, and make sure you understand what your own motivations and hopes are.

How do you show dominance in a BDSM arrangement?

Depending on the context, there are different ways to show dominance. In day-to-day life, showing dominance has far more to do with displaying confidence and assertiveness. Some more dominant traits include:

• Dominant personalities are confident in themselves and their abilities and are highly unlikely to demonstrate a sense of submission or humility to others.

• Whether physical, emotional, or mental strength is being discussed, most dominant personalities possess strength and are all too happy to demonstrate their strength and leadership abilities.

• Dominant personalities are often extremely competitive personalities. Consequently, dominant personalities are often found in competitive sports and other arenas involving tests and examining someone’s ability and determination.

• Dominant personalities are decisive, and the ability to make decisions with very little hesitation or second-guessing is often a keystone of dominant individuals.

In sexual relationships involving BDSM (bondage, discipline, and sadomasochism), dominance takes on a different meaning and usually refers to the dominant partner in a dom/sub relationship (though the term may describe anyone who has a commanding personality—or a controlling one). In these relationships, dominance is typically shown through several distinct avenues, which may include:

• Assertive behavior is essential for doms, as assertiveness is part of what differentiates doms and subs. Assertiveness is different from aggression, though, which is important to remember: even a cursory beginner’s guide to BDSM recognizes that doms are not inherently aggressive but are instead committed to taking control and setting the stage for the relationship.

• In keeping with being assertive, doms must demonstrate confidence—confidence in their role, purpose as a dom, and in their role in the relationship. Confidence comes in many forms, but in dom/sub relationships, confidence means being able to take control of a scene or situation and express your role without skipping a beat.

• Although care might not immediately conjure images of a dominant person, care is a core aspect of being a dom. If you cannot show care for your sub, you are not displaying the true attributes of a dominant partner.

• Control is essential for a dom, as the sub in the relationship gives their will and choices over to the dom. If the dom does not take control as it is given, their sub cannot fully trust themselves and their dom, and the relationship is likely to deteriorate.

• Effective Communication. Dom/sub relationships will fall apart without effective communication, and a dom must consistently demonstrate the ability to communicate regularly and effectively. From discussing limits and preferences to identifying potential missteps and mistakes, doms must continually devote time and attention to communicating with their subs.

• Self-Awareness. Good doms must demonstrate self-awareness because there are often past situations, behaviors, and experiences that contribute to their desire to become dominant partners. If those things are not addressed, they may find themselves pushing their submissive partner’s boundaries or growing overwhelmed with the responsibilities of being a dom.

What is a dominant in BDSM?

A dominant is someone who takes the dominant role in a relationship. Although there is often some degree of stigma associated with dominance in intimate relationships, dominant relationships are characterized by respect and care, and a dominant act as a controlled, firm partner who can take control of the submissive partner in whatever way they feel is most appropriate or desirable, involving elements of bondage and discipline. Dominant or submissive dynamics are most often associated with BDSM relationships, involving discipline, dominance, and submission. A beginner’s guide to the practice reveals the reality of bondage and discipline, dominance, and submission. Still, it often fails to delineate the reason for these practices and what they might mean to a dominant partner. A dominant partner is an individual who can deliver discipline, dominance, and bondage through a variety of scenarios that may or may not include role-play, consensual physical behaviors like spanking or choking, and elements of being bound, including handcuffing and rope tying.

A dominant partner takes control of the dominant elements of BDSM. A beginner’s guide to BDSM dictates that BDSM involves bondage, discipline, dominance, and submission but may not go deeply into how those components are presented and experienced. Dominance and submission are the two dynamics involved in BDSM relationships. They are imbued with elements of control, trust, communication, and a sense of freedom, whether they are used largely in sexual situations, in everyday life, or a combination of the two. Bondage and discipline, dominance and submission all come together to create a rich and robust relationship that deeply explores the relationship between control and submission and how the release of control allows a partner to experience pleasure and a sense of freedom.

What is dominance in a BDSM relationship?

This depends on the type of relationship being discussed. In a romantic relationship, relationship dominance can be identified through behaviors. Dominant behavior in relationships is often synonymous with controlling behavior or the desire to exert influence over a partner. Some of this dominance is attributed to “traditional” relationship dynamics. Still, regardless of the tendency for men and women to employ certain roles in the past, dominance in a relationship is not appropriate without consent from the more submissive partner, and dominance can prove problematic without the presence of consent or even understanding of power dynamics.

In sexual relationships, a dominant partner is most often called a “dom” and describes the relationship dynamics during sexual activities. In this context, dominance in the relationship describes behavior that may or may not include certain displays of power, including the administration of pain, the use of restraints, and the illusion of personal power through pretending one partner is in a position of authority, such as an older partner, or even an older relative, in some cases. In essence, to offer a beginner's guide to BDSM, the practice involves discipline, dominance, and submission. According to the couple's preferred behaviors in question, a dom's behavior will vary substantially according to the couple's preferred behaviors. Some couples experimenting or engaging in BDSM will focus their attentions and efforts largely on restraint. In contrast, others will focus primarily on the sensation of pain and having their limits tested.

In either relationship, consent is key; dominance in relationships can be linked to abuse and other inappropriate and unsafe behaviors if consent is not involved. The BDSM community actually consents that it is considered the dividing line between sexual proclivity and assault. The same can also be said of dominant behaviors in a romantic relationship, regardless of sexual preference and behaviors.