Premarital Counseling: Using A Premarital Questionnaire Before Marriage Counseling

Every engaged couple would like to believe that they're perfectly matched and willing to do whatever is needed to spend their lives together. Yet, divorce is still a very real possibility. Starting on the right foot is important, and doing this usually means asking hard questions and being ready to accept the answers you will receive.  Some couples are even trying to answer those questions to ask married couples like "Should I get married or when will I get married quiz. But one of the effective ways of doing this is to work through premarital questionnaires together. 

A premarital assessment questionnaire is generally a series of premarital counseling questions or pre-marriage counseling questions. It is not meant to judge whether you should get married; instead, it is meant to see if there’s anything that you can work on to set yourself up for a happy, healthy, lasting marriage pre-wedding. Working through this questionnaire together can help you work through problems before they arise and is a fun way to deepen your relationship. Read on to learn more about how a premarital questionnaire can help prepare you for marriage and more. 

A premarital questionnaire for you and your partner to consider 

When two people are contemplating matrimony, making sure you have the same kind of marriage in mind is an important talking point when making wedding plans. This is why many couples opt for a course of relationship counseling before the big day. A couples therapist can help them discover more about one another, advise on techniques that help keep a marriage strong, and point out potential pitfalls.

Even if you decide not to take this more formal route, it will be worth it to spend some time discussing what you both agree are the most important issues. Have a conversation when you are both relaxed and willing. Eliminate all distractions and commit to taking the task seriously.

The most important thing to remember is that you are practicing your communication skills for the future. Over the long run, you will not be doing yourselves any favors by avoiding contentious topics to spare each other's feelings, so it will be essential to learn how to state your opinions and desires frankly but respectfully and allow your partner to do the same.

Why are you getting married?

This may seem too obvious to be worth mentioning, but this fundamentally important point deserves to be explored fully. What attracts each of you to the other? Has this changed over time, and do you expect it to? Why are you choosing each other instead of some different person? These are all open-ended questions that can lead to a valuable discussion. You could, for instance, try to explain how you think your partner sees you.

What are your respective goals and expectations?

It's easy to forget about discussing goals and expectations when the future seems both bright and far away. You might currently be thinking no more than a few years ahead, or perhaps assume you know what your fiancé wants out of life without ever actually asking.

This would be a mistake. Do you know whether you both desire to live in the big city or the countryside? How much time do each of you think is appropriate to spend at work, together, and alone? Do you want children, and if so, when? Do either of you have aspirations for the future that involve advanced degrees or world travel? This conversation about respective goals and expectations will bring you closer and help you know how to support each other when opportunities to fulfill each other’s dreams and desires arise. 

How do you plan to live together?

Marriages do not only fail because of something dramatic like substance use or infidelity. Sometimes, small issues and a culmination of communication breakdowns pile up. This is tragic, especially because it can easily be avoided. The best time to discuss how household chores will be split up, what time you like to go to bed, and how often you like to see your family is before the wedding. If either of you is annoyed by the other's little ticks and habits, you should be comfortable enough together to discuss this openly.

If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline  at (800) 662-4357 to receive support and resources. Support is available 24/7.

How do you see manage money?

Disagreements about finances are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you must understand how each of you feels about money. Some people save, others spend, some have no problem taking on debt, while others prefer to live frugally. You will have to decide whether one person will be mostly responsible for earning and managing your finances, whether you both will have separate or joint bank accounts, and how much you plan to put aside for a rainy day.

How thorough is your self-knowledge?

Our life experiences shape our core values and fundamental beliefs. Getting married will not change those values and beliefs for either person. You can't be your best self unless you know who you are. Being in love shouldn't change the very fiber of your being. Do you encourage each other to be your best selves? Are you both able to support the other when it comes to standing up for their beliefs and values? Do you know what your core values and fundamental beliefs are? Can your partner answer the same question?

Are you happy in the relationship?

Love relationships begin with an attraction. Relationships grow and build based on a foundation of mutual respect, trust, and kindness. A mutually satisfying relationship brings out the best in each of you. Naturally,  both partners will have some degree of insecurity. Still, avoid basing your relationship on insecurities about finances, fear of being alone, or fear of ending a relationship that will not make you happy in the long term. Why are you in this relationship? Will for better or worse make your life better or worse? Does your partner bring you some sense of happiness every day? While marriage is not always bright and joyous, being sure you both are happy with your relationship and your future together is crucial to your partnership. 

Is your relationship balanced?

Relationships will never be equal, including marriage relationships. What you should expect is to receive at least as much from your partner as you offer. One partner should never feel like they do all the work, pay all the bills, and take care of all the problems. One person's way of showing love is letting the other person sleep in and serving them breakfast in bed. Another person's way of showing love is being a great financial provider so they can both spend time doing fun activities. What positive things do you give in the relationship? What things make you feel loved, honored, and cherished on the receiving end? A balanced relationship is a healthy relationship. 

Are you as comfortable together as you are apart?

During the dating phase of a relationship, couples will most likely spend much of their time together. After marriage, your friendship base may change a bit. Most people keep contact with their very close friends, and the distant friendships may fade a bit. Couples will usually begin to gravitate towards friends who are also couples going through a similar season of life. In healthy relationships, partners support the other person by going out and having fun without them occasionally. When they are together, they enjoy each other's company and talk about multiple aspects of their lives. Can you have fun and be responsible when going out without your partner? Can you still have fun together as a couple while managing all the responsibilities of a home, work, and possibly a family?

Do you support each other?

No one knows the trials and stressors that life brings. No one is immune to unexpected hardships or tragedies. This is often where the rubber meets the road in the knowledge that your partner truly has your back. One of you may go through a serious injury or illness. Close family people will pass away. One or both of you could lose a job. Will you be able to uplift and support your partner even when you are struggling to stay positive yourself? Can you count on your partner to do the same? Can you count on your partner to show a united front even when the other person is not around?

How deep does your attraction run?

Almost anyone can be charming on the outside, but this does not mean they are a beautiful person on the inside. At some point, you will see each other age, and the physical attraction may not be what it is today. But these superficial attributes do not define your relationship nor your attraction to your partner in other ways. The long-lasting attraction is based on recognizing the qualities in your partner that make an authentic and wonderful person. What is it about your partner that makes you smile without even thinking about it? Is your partner genuine in thought, word, and deed? If your partner became ill or disfigured, could you still love them as much as you do today?

What am I doing that inhibits our relationship?

It's easy to be set and comfortable in your ways. We all have our routines. Our families have brought us up doing things a certain way. Do you squeeze the toothpaste tube in the middle or roll the end? Was your partner brought up in a household of boys where no one ever put the toilet seat down? Does one of you regularly avoid putting on a new roll of paper towels or toilet paper? Who will be responsible for making the bed in the morning? If both of you are responsible for picking up pet waste, does one person do it most of the time? These are the things that you may have overlooked and don't realize upset your partner to the degree that they do. There's more than one "right" way to do things. Are you pulling up your end? Are you willing to make changes that help your relationship move forward?

Participate in pre-marriage counseling online

Becoming engaged is a huge step in your relationship and you may be experiencing some serious doubts if it is the right step to take for either of you. You may even be having a gut feeling that this marriage may not be the right path for you. Fortunately, you do not have to work through these moments of confusion or doubt alone. We all have intuition and instincts to help ourselves. If something doesn't seem right, it probably is not. Do you feel trapped in the relationship with no way out? Are you getting married because everyone else is, and "it's just time?" Do you find yourself wishing things could be different? These questions can reveal either this marriage is not the right path, or you have relationship work ahead of you before you jump into this life commitment. Either way, counseling is something you should consider to help you decide the best path. 

The benefits of pre-marriage counseling

Premarital counseling is a type of counseling that couples attend before getting married or preparing to get married. For premarital counseling, you will see a professional such as a marriage and family therapist who will help you make sure that everything is in place to have the healthiest, happiest marriage possible. Premarital counseling is proven by research to increase the likelihood that you will stay together after marriage. When you see a counselor or marriage and family therapist for premarital counseling, they are not there to judge the relationship or judge if you should get married. Instead, they will ask you premarital counseling questions or premarital questions and help you with anything that may benefit you in having a long-lasting, healthy marriage. Counseling should always be a non-judgmental environment.

The efficacy of premarital counseling through online therapy

Finding the time to coordinate schedules to meet in person can be especially difficult when you are planning a wedding. In this case, know that you have a highly effective alternative to online therapy. Studies show that online therapy can help premarital couples improve their mutual understanding, and communication skills, and support marriage preparations. Online pre-marriage counseling at Regain is one way to explore some of these questions about the uncertain and unfamiliar areas of marriage and even a long-term relationship. Seeking this mediated counseling can quickly help you find the answers and solutions to help resolve any confusion you have about your relationship or your own individual life in general. 

Takeaway

Being in love and looking forward to spending the rest of your lives together is an exciting time. This beautiful season of life also presents an opportunity to take a deeper look at your partner and yourself and ensure that you are prepared in every way to fulfill the vision of your future lives together. The counselors at Regain are standing by to help you get off to a great start.