“Am I Clingy?” Five Ways To Know If You're Too Needy

When in a relationship, you may wonder whether your behaviors and needs are natural, or the product of clinginess. Perhaps your partner has made certain comments, or you’ve noticed patterns about yourself that seem to be negatively affecting the relationship. Giving a relationship a chance to grow organically can be important, but this may be more difficult for those struggling with neediness. Anyone can become over-attached in a relationship, but there are ways to overcome the feeling that you need to cling to a partner to keep them from leaving. Once you recognize your clingy behavior, you can begin to take steps to overcome it.

What is neediness?

Neediness is a pattern of behavior in which an individual requires excess amounts of attention and validation from their partner. It may involve frequently asking for help with tasks, requesting favors, seeking assurances, starting conversations, or simply being physically present. While requesting support from a partner is healthy, frequent attempts to garner attention can be a sign of insecurity or mental health challenges. 

Potential causes of needy behavior

Neediness can arise out of several sources, including the following:

• A past relationship 

• An insecure attachment style

• Social anxiety or a similar mental health challenge

• A lack of experience with relationships

• Inattentiveness from a partner

• Low self-esteem

Five ways to know if you’re too needy 

1. You text your partner excessively 

Needing to be in constant communication with your significant other could be a sign of clinginess. You might find yourself texting them all the time to see what they’re up to or worry when you haven’t heard back from them in a while. You may be prone to asking your friends if you should send a certain message or find that you’re forcing yourself to resist sending the infamous double text. In some cases, the temptation to text might be irresistible. 

If the urge to stay in near-constant contact gets the best of you, you may act on it, despite knowing that your partner might not be available. Twenty minutes later, you might find yourself six messages deep with no response and a knot in your stomach wondering why they aren’t replying. The results you might get from this behavior can vary.  Sometimes, the texts may represent more than just words to the person receiving them. Your partner might perceive constant or numerous texts as a sign that you want a higher level of involvement or commitment than they feel comfortable with right now. Or they may just not have the time for the communication that you’re craving. 

To overcome the problems these behaviors could cause, try to avoid overthinking and over-analyzing the frequency and context of your texts. Instead, view them as a way to communicate what you need to say, not as a gauge of the health of your relationship or the other person’s interest in you. As you get a clearer feel for how the relationship is developing and what the other person’s time commitments and attitudes to their phone are (some people put their phone aside and check it a lot less than others), you might have an improved sense of how much texting seems right for both of you.

Suppose you’ve developed a habit in relationships of not wanting periods to pass between speaking or texting with your partner. In that case, you may find it challenging to let go of constantly thinking of being in touch with them. Trying to do other activities can help distract you from overthinking. You might consider going out with your friends, watching your favorite TV show, catching up with work or things you need to do at home, working out, or doing a new DIY project. The urge to always be in contact with your partner may stem from insecurity. If you can remind yourself that it is okay to be apart and it’s healthy for you to do your own thing, you may find that a strong sense of independence begins to grow, and your worries may decrease.

2. You adopt many of your partner’s interests 

One sign of being over-attached is pretending to be interested in something that you don’t care about or don’t even like. You may try to compromise on what you do and don’t enjoy spending time on to be with your partner as much as possible. A problem with this approach is that if you aren’t genuine, it can be hard for your partner to know the true you. 

One of the most important things you can do when you are in a new relationship—and most every circumstance—is to be yourself. It can be normal and healthy for partners to have different interests. It can also be natural and healthy for partners to want to try to give new things a try if their partner is interested in it. If your partner genuinely wants to introduce you to their interests or if you have a desire to learn more about their interests to get to know them better, trying to do so can be an open-minded gesture. You might find that you like the interest, or you may discover it’s not right for you, and either can be okay. A relationship can be healthy even when partners have separate interests and spend time apart from each other to pursue them.

Pursuing an interest so that you can keep tabs on each other may not be healthy behavior for either you as an individual or both of you as a couple. If you find yourself becoming interested in something new because of your partner, this can be natural. However, in a balanced relationship, you shouldn’t need to fake given interests. Be yourself, and your genuineness can shine through, allowing your relationship to blossom as a result. Being your authentic self can lead to happiness and satisfaction.

3. You places where your partner might be

Overattachment can be powerful. You may begin to crave your partner’s presence, which might motivate you to do some things or go to places that aren’t typical for you. For example, you might show up at a person’s place of work, hoping you can steal a minute of conversation. If you know other places that they frequent, you might show up at those places, too, hoping for a “serendipitous” meeting. Your partner may be flattered or genuinely happy to see you, but, on the other hand, this kind of behavior may feel like an overstepping of boundaries or a lack of trust.

A more authentic way to handle wanting to see your partner can be to let them know that you’d like to get together. The two of you might find a mutually convenient time to go on a date or hang out and talk. Open, honest communication may help you reach your relationship goals and find a solution that feels right for each of you.

4. You maintain proximity to your partner

When you are with your partner, you might feel that you often have a hand on them. This could be a completely healthy expression of attraction that is mutually agreed upon by both of you. On the other hand, if it’s coming from a place of fear of losing them, insecurity, anxiety about the relationship, or attention-getting, it may not be the most effective way to forge a healthy relationship.

Suppose you’re displaying signs of insecurity resulting from childhood, other times in your past, or because a previous relationship has left you vulnerable. In that case, you can try to address those issues. You might let your partner know that you feel insecure, but also try to understand that getting them to fill a void or heal past hurts is not the partner’s responsibility.

5. You keep tabs on your partner through social media

It’s the digital age, and it seems like everyone has social media accounts. If you use your partner’s social media posts to monitor their behavior, you might be letting your over-attachment get the best of you. Dwelling on posts or pictures on their page can be unproductive and social media can elicit a lot of different feelings. You might worry about what your partner is doing, who they’re in pictures with, or why you aren’t with them. Remember that social media isn’t real life; it’s a virtual platform that people often only share their highlight reels on. If you have questions about what your partner posts, you can try respectfully asking them about it. 

Research shows that social media use does lead to FOMO—and this FOMO can apply to relationships, too. There are a variety of practices you can implement to use social media wisely. You might try limiting your time on social media and make more of an effort to live in the moment. Instead of dwelling on posts, you can try to appreciate the time you have with your partner in real life. Living your actual life and detaching from the virtual one can allow you to experience less insecurity and more confidence in your relationship.

Developing a healthy attachment through therapy

If you want to be less attached and more independent but fear or feel you can’t, speaking to a professional may help. A professional may help you understand the causes of neediness,  and some ways to know if you’re being too needy or clingy. 

Asking an online therapist, “What are some ways to know if you’re too needy?”

Regain can connect you with an online therapist who can help you learn how to address these concerns so that you can build healthier relationships. Regain is user-friendly and convenient. You can choose to attend therapy sessions alone, or you can include your partner in the process. Sessions can be performed anywhere with a computer or smartphone and an internet connection, making it a viable option for those with a busy schedule. You may have the desire to foster a happy and healthy relationship. With the right tools, you may find a path to the finish line.

The efficacy of online therapy

Those struggling with clinginess in their relationships may also be experiencing symptoms of anxiety, which online counseling has been shown to be a successful treatment for. In a review of a six-week-long online therapy intervention, researchers found a significant reduction in symptoms of anxiety. Those who participated in the study were treated with cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), an approach that teaches people how to replace their unhelpful thoughts with more helpful ways of thinking. 

Takeaway

Being clingy in a relationship can be a sign of unhealthy behavior. Attachment wounds, past trauma, anxiety, and insecurity can all be causes of clinginess. Overcoming these obstacles in a relationship can be paramount, as left unchecked, they can cause serious problem moving forward. Open communication can help partners express their needs to one another and establish more trust within the relationship. Further, working with a licensed therapist can help people work through the root causes of their clingy behavior. Regain provides an online option for counseling so that you can receive support with ease and begin working toward a healthier, happier relationship with the click of a button. 

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.