Is it Just Me? Seven Signs You're Being Gaslit In Your Relationship

If your partner seems to be constantly saying negative things about you or trying to manipulate you, you may be wondering if something is truly wrong or if it's just you, and you're reading the situation wrong. Well, it might not just be you—you may be experiencing gaslighting. 

Gaslighting is a term that's growing in popularity as more attention is being shed on this insidious type of emotional abuse. So, if you find yourself one moment thinking your partner is the one with the problem and the next moment questioning if it's you, keep reading to learn how to tell if you are, indeed, being gaslit.

What is gaslighting?

The term gaslighting came from a 1930s play called Gas Light. In the movie, the husband starts to make changes to the house and his wife's environment to try to convince her that she is mentally ill. He does things such as dim the gas lights, and then denies that he did anything. He tries to set up the wife to be declared mentally ill and then committed to an asylum, all so he can take her inheritance.

While this makes for a great movie storyline, gaslighting in real life is a form of emotional abuse. It is hidden and manipulative. Gaslighting behaviors can alter a person’s perception of reality, leaving the victim feeling like they're starting to lose their mind. In one moment, they will know that they are right, and in the next moment, they're questioning if their partner is right instead.

If you're experiencing gaslighting, it can be hard to get the help that you need because you can't quite put your finger on whether there is a problem or not. This can cause people to stay in relationships that they shouldn't be in because they can't figure out if something's actually wrong. They may even feel like they're lucky to have someone that is with them despite all their "problems."

There are many reasons why someone engages in gaslighting behavior – such as a mental health condition like bipolar disorder, a personality disorder like Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), or the desire to hide behaviors like infidelity – but none of them justify their actions.

Signs that you're being gaslit

Because it's hard to recognize if you're experiencing gaslighting, it's helpful to learn the signs. As you read these signs of gaslighting, if they sound even vaguely familiar to you, you should consider seeking help. We will cover forms of treatment and how to get help later in this article. But first, here are signs that you're being gaslit.

1. You're being lied to

You know that they're lying. It might even be something completely ridiculous, but they stick by it no matter what. You don't have a way to prove that they're lying, but you're sure that they are. It's often about very small things that don't make a difference one way or another. It makes no sense that they would even take the time to lie about it. Think back to the play Gas Light as an example.

2. They deny having a conversation that you know you had with them

When you mention a conversation that you had with the person, they deny that you ever had that conversation. There's nothing you can do to convince them that they did, and they start to treat you like you're not in your right mind for believing that you ever told them what you know you told them. Even though you're sure that you did, they seem so convinced that you didn't that you start to believe them.

3. They slowly wear you down

The trick to gaslighting is that it doesn't happen all at once. Some types of abuse happen quickly, and there is no denying it, such as with physical abuse. Gaslighting is done slowly over a long period of time. It's not one thing that happens. It's an accumulation of many small things put together.

4. They are all talk

Watch their actions. Do they actually do the things they say they will? Do they really seem to mean the words they say? Their actions might show you how they really feel about you or what they really intend to do—even though their words are saying something completely different. It's important, if you're in a relationship, that you're able to see that your partner's actions back up their words.

5. They mix in positive messages

When you're being gaslit, it's not all negative. If it were, it would be very easy for you to recognize what was going on. But in between the negative stuff, your significant other will let you know that they love you or they will say other positive things to you or about you.

Doing this makes you doubt that there was real intent behind any behavior that appeared purposely malicious against you. This positive behavior is what reinforces, even more, the idea that maybe you’ve been imagining things. If they were mean, negative, or argumentative all the time, you'd be able to catch on a lot faster.

6. They accuse you of doing what they do

If your partner is gaslighting you, they might project their own problems onto you. So, if they struggle with certain behaviors, they may convince you or try to convince you that you struggle with that as well. Even if you know that it's not something you do, they will accuse you of doing it. And they're adamant that you do, and there's nothing you can do to convince them otherwise.

7. They try to convince you that everyone else feels the same way they do

Your significant other isn't going to want you to reach out for help from other people. So, to keep you quiet and in the position that you're in, they work on convincing you that everyone else feels the same way that they do.

They make you think that no one else would put up with your behavior and that anyone else would think that you're imagining things. In a way, this locks you into your relationship with them because you feel like you don't have any other options. And it makes you fearful of talking about the situation with someone else because you don't want to seem confused, stupid, or be embarrassed.

What should you do?

So, if you know you're being gaslit, or if you are starting to think that you are, what should you do?

Talk to someone!

Because this is one of the main things that your partner doesn't want you to do, it's a good indicator that it's one of the first things that you should do. If you are experiencing gaslighting, you must start talking to someone else.

When it's just you and your significant other engaging in these conversations and behaviors, it's easy to start to believe that you are the one with the problem. But, if you have a strong support system that you can turn to during this time, you can get reassurance from someone else that it's not you that has a problem.

The people you choose to turn to should be those from your support system who are going to be honest with you. You don't want people who are just going to tell you what you want to hear. If there's any chance that you have a problem with insecurity and not your partner, you need to trust that your support system is going to tell you that.

Work on building your self-esteem

As a victim of gaslighting, your self-esteem has probably taken a big hit. It can be beneficial to start working on building your self-esteem and self-confidence back up. If you have been basing your opinion of yourself on the opinion of your significant other, it's time to break that habit.

You may need to have healthy self-esteem to have a healthy relationship. When you start to truly value yourself and have confidence, you might see no place in your life for a mentally or emotionally abusive relationship. You might be able to stand up for yourself and have no doubt that you know exactly what's going on.

Don't engage in their arguments

They have these arguments with you because they are benefiting from it in some way. Even if you don't understand what that benefit is, it's important to stop feeding that behavior. If you know that they said something that they're denying or know that you said something they're saying you didn't, don't waste your time arguing with them. You know from experience that you're not going to make any progress or get anywhere with it, so don't concern yourself with the issue.

If in any way you feel like your safety is in danger, it's important to get out of the relationship immediately. If they threaten you or do anything along those lines, leave the situation or call the police. They will try to convince you that you were the wrong one and that nobody's going to do anything to help, but that's not true.

Online support for defending yourself against gaslighting

Taking action to change or get out of a relationship where you are being gaslit can be hard. If it's a relationship that you've been in a long time, the idea of being without that person can be upsetting—even if you know their behavior towards you is not appropriate.

If you have been the victim of mental or emotional abuse, it may help to talk with a therapist. A therapist from Regain, for example, can help you see what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like and help you take steps to recover from the situation that you have been in. Regain therapists are licensed and trained to work with people in your exact situation.

If you want to get help without making it obvious that that's what you're doing, online counseling can be a good option to pursue, since it's discreet and you can get help anyplace you have an internet connection. Keep in mind that if you have to go behind someone's back to talk to a therapist, it's a good indicator that you need to exit the relationship and get yourself to a safe place.

Takeaway

If you're starting to believe you're being gaslit, it's time to take action and get help. You deserve to be in a healthier relationship, and reaching out for support can be a great first step.