Am I Passive Aggressive? 12 Signs You May Be

Many of us are likely familiar with passive-aggressive behavior, but we may not always easily recognize some of the signs, especially when it comes to ourselves. Put simply, passive-aggressive behavior involves indirectly expressing negative feelings rather than addressing the situation directly and honestly; it’s referred to as “passive-aggressive” because these behaviors do not openly share the directly threatening qualities of typical aggressive behaviors. But beyond this definition, how can you actually recognize passive aggression? In this article, we’ll explore 12 possible signs of passive-aggressive behavior to look out for, and how to seek help if this is a concern in your relationships.

12 possible signs of passive-aggressive behavior

These are some of the most common presentations of passive-aggressive behaviors:

You claim to agree, but you don't

Some people will say that they agree with something or voice their support in other ways and then find ways to sabotage the project or the person who's in charge of it. If you're saying one thing to someone's face and then you're saying or doing something entirely different behind their back, then this could be an example of passive-aggressive behavior. This might be especially true if you're actively trying to stop or counter whatever it is that you said you were in support of.

You feel angry, but you don't say anything

Anger is a natural emotion. Everyone can get angry, and most everyone does at some point in time or another. It can be fine to calmly express your anger to people or let them know what it is that you don't like. But if you're hiding that anger and trying to hold it in, this can be unproductive and can even backfire. The anger that you’re pretending to not feel may emerge as cynicism or hostility, negatively affecting your relationship. 

You brush off anger, but sulk instead

You might brush off your feelings of anger or unhappiness to others by telling them that you're fine or you don't care. But then you go off somewhere else and sulk, or you pull away from the conversation. You might pull away from the situation or from the person entirely, giving them the silent treatment. Then you might stay by yourself and completely shut down, ignoring any attempts at making the situation better or trying to improve what's going on. This can lead to continued conflict or even a fractured relationship between you and the other person since it doesn’t solve anything.

You tell people you'll help, but then put it off

When someone asks you for help, you might tell them that you want to or that you'd be very interested in doing something, but then when it comes time actually to do something, you find ways to avoid it. You might put things off to try to frustrate this person. You might even be intentionally trying to frustrate them so they'll take you off the project entirely, but you didn't want to refuse when they initially asked for your help. Instead, you're trying to turn them into the “bad guy” for removing you.

You don't insult people, but you hide negativity in your comments

If you’re being passive aggressive, you might not directly tell someone what you think of them or insult them, but you may make comments that are designed to dig into their confidence. You might say something that can only barely be considered an insult or that might only be an insult if it's taken in a very specific way. This can allow you to feign surprise when they get offended or to accuse them of being overly sensitive, and you may even be considered in the right by the other people around you—despite you knowing that you did in fact hurt this person intentionally. 

You don't argue, but you stay silent

Aside from sulking, the silent treatment is another way that many people exhibit passive-aggressiveness. You don't explode or get angry. Instead, you ignore the person entirely and refuse to speak to them. You're showing them that you are unhappy with whatever happened, and you're showing them that it's important to you that they know it. But at the same time, you're not giving them the chance to try to make things right or find out what's going on.

You tell other people you're angry, but not the one you're angry with

When you're feeling angry with someone in your social circle, and you tell everyone but the one person that you're angry with, this can be passive-aggressive. The passivity comes in not telling the other person how you're feeling. But you get aggressive when you're trying to turn the rest of your social circle against them. This can be very hurtful because people may believe the person who told them the story first, and they may never even ask for the story from the other person's point of view.

You use humor around others, but in the form of hurtful sarcasm

You might make little jabs and jokes at the expense of someone else, but if they try to call you on it or get angry, then you have the opportunity to claim it was “just a joke.” This is meant to push the blame away from you and to make the other person seem like they just misunderstood what you were saying or that they shouldn't get offended. At the same time, your sarcasm is intended to make them feel bad about themselves.

You let irritating events go in the moment, but then sabotage others later

If you have a friend who has to back out of something, you might just let it go in the moment while speaking to them. You might tell them that it's no big deal or that you'll catch up later, and you’ll pretend that it doesn’t bother you. But you might then find a way to get back at them in the future. Maybe you cancel something on them, or you say negative things about them to others. You may find a way to make sure that they will “regret” cancelling on you in the first place, even if they don't realize you're sabotaging them for that reason.

You ask for things, but couched in reproach

You might try to ask for something or tell someone your opinion in a way that hides what you're thinking or feeling. You might try to hide just how important that thing is to you by calling it “silly” or “not important.” The goal might be to try to get what you want, but without letting someone else have the opportunity to hurt you. It can also be a way to try to convince yourself that if they do reject you, it's not going to be as big of a deal for you (or at least they won't know it is). Then, if the other person doesn’t give you what you asked for, you might hold it against them, even though you made it seem like it didn’t matter to you. 

You ask a lot of questions, but in a leading way

If you’re frequently passive aggressive, you may not want to ask for things often, so instead of having to ask for something directly, you try to lead the other person into offering it through other leading questions. You might ask them if they want something or if they like to do a certain something with the hope that they will make the offer of getting it for you or the two of you doing that thing together. The idea is to keep yourself from making the ask so that you can avoid the possibility of hurt if they reject you. You may also hold it against them if they don’t offer something, even though you never directly asked. 

You express interest, but not directly

You might hear someone talking about a special event that they're going to or something fun that they get to do, and instead of asking directly if you can come (and risking rejection), you say things like “I wish I could do that.” This allows you to create an opportunity for someone else to invite you but without having actually to do the asking. Then, when the other person offers, you can feel good about it, but if they don't, they don't know that you wanted it badly. But, even though you never asked, you may hold a grudge at them for not extending the invitation. 

Getting professional help

While it may not always seem so harmful in the moment, passive-aggressive behavior can negatively impact your relationships and other areas of your life. It may result in ongoing conflict with others and damaged relationships. As the Mayo Clinic notes, while passive-aggressive behavior isn’t considered a mental illness, it can be a feature of various mental health conditions. 

If you want to address these behaviors, online therapy can help. A therapist can help you get at the root of why you might be resorting to passive-aggressive behaviors, address mental health conditions that could be at play, and help you cultivate and implement healthier behaviors instead. In fact, research has found online therapy to be effective in treating a range of mental health conditions.  

When you notice yourself acting passive aggressively, you may find it helpful to reach out for support in those precise moments. You can note the negative behavior you use and what other emotions might be at play to help dissect the behavior and figure out how to adjust in the future. With online therapy through Regain, you can use in-app messaging to reach out to your therapist at any time, and they will respond as soon as they can. 

Takeaway

Being passive aggressive involves indirectly expressing your negative feelings about something to others, rather than directly addressing the situation with your honest feelings. Passive-aggressive behavior isn’t always easy to recognize, so you can review some of the possible signs detailed above to see if this is something you do often. For support in addressing passive-aggressive behavior and incorporating healthier behaviors into your relationships, online therapy can help.