Are We Compatible? 13 Ways To Find Out

When your relationship starts to progress from casual dating to something more serious, it may be natural to ask, “How compatible are we?” After all, not many people want to put in the time and effort to build a long-term relationship if there’s little chance it will work out. You may also want to avoid the emotional risk that entails. It might not always be obvious whether you’re compatible or not. Compatibility can be hard to discern, especially early on when you’re still getting to know the other person. If you’re infatuated with them, you may be blind to any signs of incompatibility. Here’s how to get a sense of how compatible the two of you might be:

Are we compatible: Questions to ask 

You may need to start with a clear idea of what compatibility is. The American Psychological Association Dictionary defines compatibility as “The state in which two or more people relate harmoniously because their attitudes, traits, and desires match or complement each other”. It may sound simple, but that could be a lot to discover about the other person and how you interact with each other.

Perhaps the best way to determine your compatibility is to explore the answers to some important questions. Consider the following questions and observe how you each behave and interact with each other regarding these issues. Here are thirteen compatibility questions you can ask:

Do your interests work well together?

There’s no reason you both have to have all the same interests. In fact, having different interests can make the relationship more exciting and give you reasons to appreciate each other more. Perhaps the important thing is that you give your partner a chance to grow and that you both learn from each other. If both of you are working as a team in your relationship, you might also be intellectually compatible.

Do your values mesh?

You might not need to agree on every value or philosophy to be compatible. Yet, if your values are at complete odds, you may have a lot of arguments in the future. Notice how you interact surrounding your values. If you adhere to different philosophies or religious beliefs, consider whether you respect each other’s beliefs. Do you listen to each other without judging the other for their views? And, when making difficult decisions, do you honor each other’s input and work together to find a mutually acceptable solution?

Do you agree on how much time to spend together?

Spending time together may be an important part of any relationship, but there could be room for variation. Not every couple may need to spend a set amount of time together. If one of you wants to spend all your time together and the other wants to spend time doing independent activities, though, this may bring up conflicts in your relationship.

What does a good sex life mean to each of you?

Being sexually compatible, or having the will to work towards it, could be another key element of a good relationship. It might help if you have similar desires and expectations. You may also want to make sure that sex has a similar meaning for both of you. 

Do you both feel the same way about having and raising children?

Some people may want to know early in the relationship whether the other person wants to have kids or not. If you do decide to have them, a conversation about how you want to raise them could be another way of finding out how compatible you are. Parents who can’t agree on the basics of childrearing may set themselves up for a dysfunctional family life. Again, you might not need to agree on every point. Still, it can be useful to have similar views on parenting and be willing to work out the differences.

Are your views and habits about money similar?

Money issues can be among the biggest hurdles for couples to overcome. For instance, if one of you uses credit cards a lot and doesn’t pay them off at the end of the month, the other may become anxious or angry if they’re primarily focused on saving money. Conversely, a partner who wants to live frugally may frustrate the other one who likes to spend money on nice things. It might also be important to have similar priorities. If one of you wants to buy a fancy apartment while the other wants to use that money for traveling, your compatibility may suffer.

Can you recognize when your partner is stressed and deal with it?

Relationships may be best when you can support each other through hard times. When one of you is stressed or struggling emotionally, the other may need to be able to recognize it. You might want to think about whether you usually notice when your partner is upset. If you do, what do you do about it, and does it seem to help? Consider asking the same questions about how your partner responds to you when you’re stressed.

How do you handle conflicts?

No matter how compatible you are, there might be disagreements in your relationship at some point. With two unique individuals, conflict may be unavoidable. People may handle this conflict in different ways. One person may yell and call their partner horrible names or bring up past issues (which is not healthy or okay). The other may pretend they agree and become resentful. Or they might withdraw from the relationship completely. Some people are more forward and open with communication in relationships. If you’re compatible, you may find it easier to work together to resolve conflicts respectfully.

Do you cheer each other on?

When your partner supports you in your most cherished dreams, they give you an amazing gift. Cheering each other on as you reach for your individual goals can help your relationship flourish. But, if neither of you cares or notices when the other one is facing personal challenges or achieving something important, you may miss out on a kind of closeness that is hard to replace or replicate.

Do you find the best in each other?

Criticizing your partner may be a bad idea. While it might be okay to help them see areas for improvement if they ask for your advice, looking for the worst in your partner can cause arguments, resentment, or damage to their self-esteem. Ideally, you want to see the good in your partner and have them see the good in you. That positivity may go far in helping you forge a healthy relationship where you both feel safe and respected.

Do you both make similar lifestyle choices?

Think about whether you both prefer the same lifestyle. You may need to have similar or complementary preferences if you want to make it work. For example, if one partner is choosing healthy, lean foods and the other likes to have lots of sugary desserts in the house, you may find that you hold each other back from enjoying your chosen lifestyle. Or, if one of you favors minimalism and the other likes to fill their home with treasures, you may have a hard time creating a space where you can both be happy.

Do you feel safe speaking up and existing in the relationship?

Perhaps the most important compatibility issue is whether you both feel safe to be who you are and express yourself freely in the relationship. You need to feel physically safe and know that the other person will not abuse you. The first time you see any hint that your partner will harm you either physically or emotionally, it may be time to take a step back and seriously consider whether the relationship is safe.

If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.

Bonus question: Are you both committed to making it work?

Most compatibility points can be negotiable (with the exception of abuse, which is never okay). You can have many differences and still build a lasting relationship that’s both healthy and satisfying. But this might not be possible without a willingness to work on yourself and the relationship. If you can’t do that, even your most petty disagreements could spell the end of what could have been a happy and fulfilling relationship.

Perhaps you would like help to explore this issue of compatibility. Or, maybe you want to work with your partner to achieve greater compatibility. In either case, a couple’s therapist can be a good resource. Talking with a couple’s counselor may help you see the next steps to improve your relationship now and in the time to come. The question of “Are we compatible?” will fade into the background, and you can enjoy the kind of relationship that benefits both of you.

Couples are sometimes hesitant to seek out therapy, though. You might feel nervous about discussing your relationship issues with a stranger, for instance. Many people report that an online setting helps them feel more at ease during sessions. Online counseling can be accessed from home, so you might also find it more convenient. 

Some people may be concerned about the legitimacy of internet-based counseling, but research in the field of mental health suggests that these concerns are unwarranted. A comprehensive meta-analysis of studies on the topic showed no significant difference between online and in-person counseling. Both types of therapy yield positive outcomes for a variety of mental health challenges and relationship issues. 

Counselor review

“Austa has been wonderful thus far. She has helped my partner and I during an unimaginably difficult time… She has also guided us in communicating effectively and setting appropriate boundaries in our relationship. I was hesitant to pursue counseling at the beginning, but I truly believe that it is making a difference for our relationship. Austa is easy to talk to and she is a great listener. I would wholeheartedly recommend her as a counselor.”

“Sessions with Natalie are very insightful and give practical advice on implementing new habits and changes. Be prepared to engage and be challenged to think in a different way. I know that my partner and I can already see improvements in our relationship and feel more positive about working through our issues together.”

Takeaway

Compatibility, at its core, means that you can live harmoniously as a couple. It may not be set in stone, but rather something you can work on and develop throughout a relationship. Professional guidance and support from a compassionate counselor like those at Regain can help you determine compatibility and build on your strengths. Reach out today and begin your journey to a happy, healthy union. 

Continue reading for reviews of Regain therapists from individuals seeking to work through similar issues.