Are You Constantly Arguing? Couples Advice For Healthy Ways To Manage Conflicts

Conflict: it’s a common part of relationships, one that even the happiest couples in healthy relationships may experience from time to time. Whether a simple disagreement or a more severe argument, couples may find themselves navigating opposing opinions, desires, or expectations.

As challenging as the conflict in relationships can be, however, there are a variety of strategies couples can use to navigate it in a healthy way. We will explore several of them in this article.

Causes of conflict in relationships

Why do couples fight? Although no two couples are exactly alike, and conflict can have a variety of causes, arguments in relationships often stem from communication challenges. A sense of not being heard or listened to can lead to frustration, anger, and hurt feelings—which, in turn, can lead to further difficulty communicating. In fact, a 2021 study published in the Journal of Family Issues found that, among the couples studied, communication was the most common source of conflict in their relationships.

Other common sources of conflict in relationships may include:

• Behaviors, such as cleanliness and personal habits

• Decisions about parenting

• Division of household chores and responsibilities

• Intimacy

• Finances

• Jobs and careers

• Hobbies and quality time

It’s important to remember that conflict often exists on a spectrum, and that conflict in a relationship can range from a simple disagreement to something more severe and challenging. That said, any area of the relationship where a couple's views, expectations, or opinions aren’t aligned may be a potential source of conflict. 

Effects of conflict on mental and physical health

Conflict in relationships is often unpleasant and stressful, but its effects on couples can go deeper than that. Frequent conflict can put significant stress on both individuals and couples, resulting in a range of effects on their emotional, mental, and physical well-being. 

Without being properly addressed, conflicts can fester, leading to resentment, anger, and further disagreements. A 2023 study even found that those who withdrew from disagreements with their partners experienced higher levels of inflammation and reduced immune system function.

Five healthy conflict management tips

Given the wide variety of conflicts that can exist in relationships, and the potentially wide-ranging effects of conflict on physical and mental health, the importance of healthy conflict resolution between partners becomes clear. With this in mind, what can partners do to best manage conflict in a way that is honest, constructive, and mutually respectful? Here are five strategies:

Make a point to listen

There's a common tendency during arguments to focus only on your position, rather than that of the other person. This temptation to make your counterarguments and opinions known can be natural, but a more productive strategy may be to do the opposite: practicing active listening, in which you seek to actually understand what your partner is saying, rather than just waiting for your turn to speak. By focusing on hearing what your partner is telling you, even if you don't agree with it, you may be able to more easily avoid interruptions, escalations, and anger.

Look for ways to meet in the middle

The ability to compromise is often a large component of successful relationships, and this can play a key role in couples being able to resolve disagreements. When you find yourself in conflict with your partner, consider whether there’s a way to find common ground with them, even if that requires each of you to adjust your expectations a little. If you can change your approach to that of finding a “win-win” solution, you may find it easier to get to a resolution you’re both happy with. 

Give yourself space if you need it

Although addressing conflicts is important, there is often something to be said for giving yourself space to gather your thoughts and process your emotions before discussing a conflict with your partner. This can be especially important in high-stakes situations, such as disagreements about big decisions, which can become very emotionally charged. It may be helpful to give yourself time to compose yourself before attempting to work through these conflicts with your partner. 

Take a diplomatic approach

Similarly, when emotions run high, it's not uncommon to make accusations, use blanket statements, and make things personal, rather than focusing on problem-solving. Consider using “I” statements when expressing your opinions, such as “I feel that…” or “I’m concerned that…”, rather than “you” statements, such as, “You always…” or “You’re being so…”. This can help you make your emotions known without leading to hurt feelings and resentment.  

Seek outside support if necessary

Conflicts between partners can feel fraught, and sometimes it can seem like there's no way to reach a solution, even if you both put in your best effort. In these cases, seeking the advice of a professional, such as a licensed relationship counselor, may be a valuable way to navigate difficult disagreements. A couples therapist can develop a personalized treatment plan aimed at teaching partners the skills they need to communicate and resolve their differences in a constructive and balanced way. 

However, for couples with busy schedules or conflicting responsibilities, attending counseling in person may not always be a feasible option. In these situations, online therapy through a platform like Regain may be a useful alternative, due to the ability to attend counseling from wherever is most convenient. For couples looking for extra support in implementing the conflict management strategies they learn in therapy in their daily lives, the ability to send messages to a counselor outside therapy sessions may also make this an appealing option.

A variety of studies have found online couples therapy to be an effective alternative to in-person couples therapy. For example, a 2022 study published in Frontiers in Psychology found that couples who received counseling via videoconferencing saw similar improvements in relationship satisfaction as those who received counseling in person. 

Takeaway

Conflict can occur in almost any relationship, often as a result of communication challenges or disagreements about topics like parenting, finances, careers, or responsibilities. Left unresolved, conflict can create stress and resentment among romantic partners, potentially even leading to physical health consequences. Strategies for navigating relationship conflicts include practicing active listening, using the “I statement,” giving yourself space and looking for ways to compromise. For couples in need of extra support, relationship counseling, either in-person or through a platform like Regain, may be a valuable tool for learning to constructively manage conflicts.