Feeling Unappreciated In A Relationship: How Online Therapy And Gratitude Can Help

Updated November 17, 2024by Regain Editorial Team

You may experience many emotions if it repeatedly seems that your partner doesn’t appreciate you or the efforts you make for them. Knowing how to bring up the subject without starting a fight or what you can do to help inspire meaningful changes can be difficult. Read on to learn more about recognizing when your partner doesn't appreciate you, what you can do when you’re feeling unappreciated, and how therapy can help you learn healthy ways to communicate your needs and feelings.

Does your partner make you feel unappreciated?
Learn to express your concerns in therapy

What does it mean to feel unappreciated in a relationship?

Do you frequently feel undervalued by your partner or go out of your way to do something special for them, only to be met with a lackluster response? If you’re feeling unrecognized in your relationship, there are ways to repair the connection with your partner, feel appreciated, and move forward together.

Signs of underappreciation

They never thank you when you do something for them.
Your partner doesn’t do a fair share of work around the house.
They frequently make plans without asking or including you.
Your partner doesn’t seek your advice or opinion.
They don't try to be romantic or make you feel loved.
Your partner doesn’t celebrate special occasions, often leaving you disappointed.
They are unfaithful to you.
Your partner doesn’t consider your feelings or dismisses your concerns.
They don’t ask about your day.
Your partner makes you feel like you’re not good enough and always need to do more.
They show no regard for your time and don’t mind making you wait.

The role of love languages in expressing appreciation

When you feel unappreciated, one of the crucial steps is to identify what your partner does that upset you. Is it possible that they are showing appreciation in their unique way? Everyone has a love language that reflects how they receive and express love and show gratitude.

Love language refers to how you give and receive love in a relationship. You and your partner don't necessarily need the same love language to be happy together. Try to understand how your partner demonstrates their love and appreciation for you. Identify your own love language and then work together to find ways to adapt so you can love and be loved in the way you both need.

“Matching on love languages was associated with both relationship and sexual satisfaction. In particular, people who expressed their affection in the way their partners preferred to receive it experienced greater satisfaction with their relationships and were more sexually satisfied compared to those who met their partner's needs to a lesser extent.” — I Love the Way You Love Me

Words of affirmation

Spoken words, appreciation, and praise; someone with this love language may enjoy frequent messages to ask about their day, uplifting quotes or memes, kindness, love notes, compliments, and encouragement.

Quality time

Undivided attention where both partners are fully engaged and focused on each other. Turning off electronics and centering the interaction on face-to-face communication can support someone with this love language.

Physical touch

Non-sexual physical affection like hand holding, cuddles, massages, and casual touch may be ideal for people with this primary love language.

Acts of service

Doing things for your partner to make them feel loved and appreciated, such as taking over the chores so they can relax, filling their car with gas, or making sure their favorite snack is stocked, can please people with this love language. These forms of external validation can be one way to show kindness in a loving relationship.

Receiving gifts

Gift-giving indicates affection and appreciation to someone with this primary love language. While the gift itself is part of the pleasure, the time and effort that went into it can also factor into their joy.

Define your expectations for appreciation

A relationship is an emotional partnership where both partners should be able to rely upon each other for love, support, and appreciation. Though “thank you” is such a simple phrase, it can mean the world to some people. However, everyone doesn’t have the same ideas about when and how to show appreciation. It’s part of human nature to want to feel appreciated, but individuals have different ways of showing it. It can help to have an open, honest conversation with your partner about how you both would like to be treated. In a loving relationship, both partners should feel valued and supported through mutual appreciation. If your partner feels unappreciated, they may also withdraw emotionally, so it’s helpful to check in with each other.

Potential effects of feeling undervalued

If you feel like your partner doesn't value you, it can affect your relationship and even your health in various ways.

Mental health impacts

Studies show that healthy, loving relationships support good mental health. However, the opposite can be true. If the connection you share with your partner is harmful or destructive, the stress of the relationship can harm your mental health and lead to chronic illnesses like heart disease, and stress causes many physical symptoms like headache, stomachache, and muscle tension. When you feel underappreciated, it can also negatively affect your self-worth and lead to deeper emotional issues. Relying on external validation to feel appreciated can lead to frustration if your partner doesn’t meet those needs. A lack of appreciation in relationships can lower your self esteem and affect your overall emotional well-being.

Blame

You may blame your partner for not loving you or showing appreciation the way you want. That blame can become anger or resentment if you don’t find healthy ways to express and process it.

Decreased emotional intimacy

The more time that passes as you feel unappreciated and undervalued, the further the emotional intimacy in your relationship erodes. The complex emotional bond you share with your partner is typically the foundation of the relationship; without it, things may get worse. Understanding your own value and worth is essential when confronting feelings of being unappreciated.

How to respond when you’re feeling unappreciated

If you realize your partner takes you for granted and doesn't properly value what you do for them, it doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is doomed. Open, honest communication and a willingness to adapt for each other can help you reestablish your connection and find ways to make each other feel loved and valued.

Discuss the ways that you're feeling undervalued

Talking to your partner and explaining how you feel is crucial to working past the problem and rebuilding your relationship. Addressing negative thoughts early can help you avoid spiraling into resentment or frustration. Try using “I” statements, such as, “I feel unappreciated when..” Be specific and avoid an accusatory tone. Communication and compromise should be the goal. Ask if there are ways they would like you to show your love and appreciation for them and how you can find a balanced middle ground.

Identify areas of improvement

Before you can ask your partner for it, you must first know what you want. Take the time to examine and evaluate your feelings and put them into words. Failing to express your needs may have the opposite effect, leading to more distance in your relationship.

What makes you feel appreciated and valued?
Describe the reaction you expect from your partner in certain situations.
What behaviors from your partner make you feel unappreciated?

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Does your partner make you feel unappreciated?

Learn to express your concerns in therapy

Rebuild emotional intimacy

Some people learn best through demonstration. If you’re feeling unappreciated, you can try modeling the type of behavior you’d like to receive from your partner, giving you an example they’re sure to understand when you talk about how you’d like to be treated.

Prioritize your self-care and practice gratitude

While you should be able to count on your partner for care and support, remember that you are responsible for your own mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Remember that you matter, and taking care of your own emotional well-being is essential. Make self-care a part of your daily routine, ensuring you get plenty of sleep, exercise, and healthy food. Boosting your self worth through self-care can improve how you respond to feeling unappreciated. Practicing self love can help you maintain your emotional balance, even when you feel unappreciated.

Recognize when the relationship is one-sided

If you’ve already expressed your concerns and repeatedly tried to connect with your partner, but nothing seems to make any difference, it can be essential to know when to recognize you’re in an unhealthy, one-sided relationship, and take steps to safeguard your emotional well-being. If efforts to communicate fail, it’s important to set boundaries to protect your emotional health. In such cases, seeking professional help can guide you through the steps needed to reclaim your self-worth. Setting clear boundaries can help protect your emotional well-being if the relationship remains unbalanced.

How online therapy can help when you feel unappreciated

If you feel like your partner takes you for granted, consider working with a licensed therapist online through a virtual therapy platform focused on relationship issues like Regain. Therapy can help you and your partner develop communication skills to effectively express your thoughts and feelings to each other, as well as how to understand each other’s love languages. This is especially true for people pleasers, who may feel drained by constantly giving without receiving appreciation. Ignoring these issues can make you feel worse over time, so addressing them early is key. If your relationship dynamics are affecting other family members, family therapy can provide broader support and healing. You can also learn coping skills to manage stress and conflict resolution to work through problems and start to feel good in your relationship again.

The past few years have sparked a huge interest in various therapy delivery methods. Researchers at the American Psychological Association revealed that online and in-person therapy provide similar results. Virtual treatment is generally less expensive and requires a shorter wait before speaking with a therapist. Studies show that couples therapy is also equally effective virtually and face-to-face. Teletherapy platforms additionally provide connection to a comprehensive selection of mental health treatment providers, making it simple to find a therapist who makes you feel comfortable and fits well with your personality and circumstances.

Takeaway

Feeling unappreciated by your partner can lead to various emotions that may strain your relationship. The information in this article may offer insight into recognizing when your partner takes you for granted, what you can do about it, and how couples therapy can help you communicate effectively.

Frequently asked questions (FAQs)

What does it mean to be unappreciated?

Simply put, this experience means that in one situation or another, you've felt that your value or contribution isn’t enough. Feeling unappreciated means that your efforts are not recognized or valued by others. This manifests in different ways and can spring up from several different contexts. So, the first step to knowing if you’re feeling unappreciated this is assessing the context where you’re experiencing it.

For example, you may be feeling a lack of recognition at work. In this case, you probably felt like you were doing more work than your colleagues, even though you received the same pay or praise as them. Or, you may have felt that you’re always expected to step up and do extra work, even if it’s outside your job description and you’re not getting paid for your extra efforts.

In a partnership, not acting like you're enough can look like your partner always prioritizing other people or tasks above you. For example, instead of spending time with you, they may always be spending time with other friends. Or, you may have felt that in terms of work around the house or in the partnership, they don’t pull their own weight. You may be feeling like you do all – or the vast majority of – the hard work and heavy lifting in the partnership. This can also be a sign of this in your family or home dynamic.

How do you respond when you feel you're being undervalued?

If you’re feeling unappreciated, you should start by examining yourself. Remember, feeling unappreciated doesn’t mean that the people around you don’t notice you. They may not see the patterns in their behavior and they might not understand how their actions are hurting you. So, the first step to dealing with feeling unappreciated is talking to the person who makes you experience these feelings.

This could mean asking to talk to your boss and explaining how the extra work that you felt expected to do is outside the purview of your contract. Talking through the feelings is the first step, because in many cases, the other person wouldn’t have guessed that you felt so unappreciated.

Then, you should talk through and settle on a plan for real behavior change. This means that, in whichever context you’re not being recognized in, you should have some ideas to propose how changing the dynamic could make everyone acknowledge each other more. Also, it’s important to keep in mind that even though you can raise the issue, you cannot force anyone to change their behavior.

What do you say to someone who is feeling unappreciated?

Before you find the right words to say to someone who’s experiencing this, there are definitely a few things that you shouldn’t say and do. Most importantly, you shouldn’t discount their emotions or tell them that they’re incorrect.

In terms of what to tell someone who’s experiencing these feelings, you can start with two simple expressions: “I’m sorry” and “thank you.” Both of these are straightforward ways to address their emotions of being unimportant. They say that you acknowledge how you contributed to their experience, and how you want to show more appreciation towards them.

The most direct way, though, if you want to help someone stop feeling unappreciated, is to simply ask them what they need. They may not have an answer immediately, and they may need some time to think about it. But, when you’re both open and honest about what makes you experience importance in a partnership, both of you can help the other be recognized and loved.

How do you know if you're being taken for granted?

In any partnership, whether it’s at work or home, there’s the chance that you’ll be taken for granted or unappreciated. There are a few key indicators that show up when someone is feeling unappreciated or like they’re being taken for granted. Some of the top ones are:

No one can see (or chooses not to see) you.
Thinking, “If I weren’t here, no one would miss me.”
Interpreting people’s “I’m too busy” as more than excuse, but as something personal.
Resentment towards the other person.
Thinking that you are intruding on the other person’s time, skills, or energy.
Thinking that you don’t add much value or contributions to the other person’s life.

All of these feelings and thoughts have been shown to contribute to depression, so it’s important to assess your emotions seriously and honestly when it comes to feeling this.

Basically, if you're constantly feeling that your presence or contribution in any partnership is going unnoticed or unappreciated by the people around you, then you might be being taken for granted. But remember, just because it's feeling this way doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s true. Of course, the emotions are real. But, the others around you – your colleagues, your partner, your family – might also be having a hard time expressing their appreciation. If this is the case, this imbalance in the partnership can often be solved by talking through their emotions and listening intently and intentionally to their responses. From there, you can build better intentions and better actions towards each other into the partnership.

How do you know if your partner appreciates you?

If you’re experiencing the emotion of being unappreciated, you may want a sign from your partner that they actually cherish you. It’s easy to immediately jump to grand romantic gestures, expensive gifts, and outstanding proclamations of love. And while these things may make you seem more important in a partnership, they are only temporary fixes.

For a long-term and sustainable model, you should look to the day to day life of the partnership. While an expensive gift is great every now and then, having your partner help with the dishes every day or tell you that they love and appreciate you is actually a much better way to find value in the partnership. Maybe your partner isn’t outspoken, and this leaves you feeling unappreciated. However, talking to your partner about how you are feeling can often prompt them to be more open and expressive when it comes to showing you how valuable you are to the partnership.

What do you do when you feel unappreciated?

If you think that no one appreciates you or that you're unappreciated, the first thing to do is to look at the contexts where you felt this way the most often. Then, you should ask yourself, “What would need to change in each of these contexts to make me happier?” In some instances, it may be something that you need to change about yourself. In other cases, it might require an honest conversation with your boss, housemates, or partner about how you're feeling.

It really helps to make a list of these changes that you’d like to see in yourself and others. Then, consider which items on the list are immediately actionable. If there are behavior changes that you need to make, like stepping back from tasks at work that aren’t part of your job description or having a serious talk with your housemates about mutual respect, then start those right away. In many cases, talking out your emotions with your colleagues, partner, or family is the first step to solving this.

How do you make your partner appreciate you?

If your partner seems to be taking you for granted, or if you’re experiencing underappreciation by your partner, there are a few things you can try. First, talk to him. He might not know how you felt; he might be surprised to know that you felt like you’re being taken for granted. When you talk to him, though, be sure to use calm and neutral language, “I” statements, and be totally honest. This isn’t a blame game: it’s an attempt to make your partnership better.

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